No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell


Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault 😉 ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...

How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )Angel_spine trophies pwr2

How I actually feel…

Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence

What I wish was possible…

BooksDark Willow

Trying to summon strength…

Face of Resolve 

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…

sleepy slayer max tears1

But in the end

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 

care

I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn’t be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe…

thrilling heroics

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I’ll still be online in 5 hours.

BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!


“It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust.” – Echo in Dollhouse s01e09

This is true. It might be a little about the pain. 😉 However, for me, BDSM is about so much more than pain. It is about trust. Giving myself over to someone without reservation is beautiful. Unlike some who call themselves masochists, I do not crave pain, except when I’m very upset as a distraction. Pain as a distracting coping mechanism is not related to BDSM. In general, I don’t like pain. I want it to stop. However, I thrive on pleasing people. I always did. Through masochism, I can give someone a type of pleasure that not many would endure willingly. Through withstanding pain, I show submission and putting someone else before myself. As I said, I do not enjoy the pain. I do not get off on it. I struggle and beg. Yet, when it is over, once I recover, I want more. I like bruises. They’re physical proof of my strength, of my willingness to serve. They can excite me.

Furthermore, pain is inextricably linked to submission. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. Without pain, it feels like a role in a play; it feels like an act.

In order to let someone have that much control over me (I.e., restraints I truly can’t get out of on my own), I must trust them with my life…literally. Once bound, I am s.o.l. if they decide to go past my boundaries. That type of power exchange makes me feel safe, like I’m enveloped in a warm cocoon. I believe this is because of the high level of trust necessary. If I trust them as much as I need in order to put myself at their mercy, I cannot help but feel safe with a collar around my neck.

My favorite female characters confounded me for a while. (Cara from Legend of the Seeker, Echo from Dollhouse, Max from Dark Angel, Sydney Bristow from Alias) If I identified as submissive, why were my favorite characters the strong, self-reliant ones, who often ignored authority? Then I realized, this isn’t about laziness and wanting someone to control my every move so I didn’t have to think. It isn’t about wanting someone to take care of me and it isn’t about weakness. I value self-sufficiency and internal fortitude, in myself and others. This dynamic is about a self-sufficient, whole human being trusting someone, loving someone, enough to give that person control. The only person I could turn myself over to is someone who I knew held my best interest at heart. If my arms are going numb and I signal to them, they will listen and fix the problem to prevent nerve damage, as opposed to continuing their work for their own gratitude.

In turn, that magnitude of trust forms a deeper bond than most relationships. Moreover, trust generates feelings of security, peace, and happiness.

Are those feelings possible in vanilla relationships? Sure. However, my experience is BDSM fosters trust and openness on different playing field, faster than other relationships. It is inevitable. To be safe, you have to talk about everything going on inside you physically and emotionally.

I know there are people out there who use this lifestyle as a smoke-screen for abuse. That is awful. I have been very fortunate to be with people who respect my wishes and value my well-being above their own happiness.

If BDSM is so great, why do I have so much trouble accepting it? Well, I think there are some great aspects to it, but I also fear I have ulterior motives like self-harm. I don’t know how to suss out where genuine kinks begin and self-hate begins. I wish I knew. I don’t know what I’ll do if I decide kinky cannot be healthy for me. Also, for some reason, I feel guilty about it all.

I feel weird that the only time I find pleasure in intimacy is with BDSM trappings. I’m afraid that means something is wrong with me, that I’m not normal. Maybe if I find the right person, pain and submission won’t matter. Who knows. What if this dynamic is all I ever feel comfortable with AND it is unhealthy? I just don’t know. I also don’t know how to go about exploring these things. It feels unfair to experiment with someone. I couldn’t see myself with a vanilla person. Therefore, I’d be exploring the vanilla side of life with another kinky person. Yet, what happens if at some point, I decide BDSM is no healthy for me? What if I realize all these thoughts about pain and trust are simply rationalizations to mask self-loathing? What if it is all about the pain because I think I deserve punishment? I guess I break-up. That sounds simple, but it is not simple for me. I may be young, but I do not take intimacy lightly. I would feel dishonest going in to a relationship to explore non-kinkiness with a kinky person. Dishonesty would destroy the needed trust, making me feel unsafe. Do you see the problem?

I suppose to the solution is to develop a more relaxed view of sex. I doubt that will happen. *sigh*

If anyone is reading this, do I make sense at all? My own mind confuses me; therefore I imagine others would find it convoluted as well.

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.

Masochism and Me


It isn’t that I believe I am worthless. I believe I have worth. I believe I have potential. I do not believe I am a good person. Given that I have an innate drive to punish myself, can masochism be anything but self-destructive for me? Is my self-hate the driving force for my masochism? If it is the driving force, is that okay? Is it fair to my partner? If masochism is the only way I find pleasure in intimacy, where does this leave me? Why am I this way? Can I fix it? Does it need to be fixed? If self-hate is a driving force, but not the only reason I enjoy masochism, is it still okay to participate or will it always be unhealthy? Can it be healthy if I still hate myself? What are the reasons, other than self-hate, that I enjoy masochism? Was I born this way? Am I meant to be a sub? Is that the only way I can be happy in a relationship? If kinky relationships are the only romantic type that I like, and they are unhealthy for me, what do I do?

I don’t have the answers to all these questions, but I intend to think about them.

One thing I know is that this is a part of me. The first masochistic fantasy I remember was at age 5! I did not know what it was called back then and there was no sexual component until puberty, but these thoughts have always been with me. Did I hate myself at age 5? I don’t think so, but maybe I did. If I did not, that speaks in favor of masochism as not wholly involved with self-hate.

I feel kind of guilty talking about all this because I know there is a misconception that all kinsters are crazy. I don’t want to feed in to that misconception, but I need to work through this.

Sometimes…

Lost_Sawyer some of us meant to be alone

Not everyone deserves to live


Angel_a good personAngel_kill me

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

 I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

 So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

 I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

 Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

    Angel_humanityAngel_weak

Mea Culpa


Oops, stayed in bed all day again. …After just telling the Dean I was getting better. Grr.

I’m currently skipping therapy. I skipped class. I’m afraid I may have met my get kicked-out limit by skipping today!

I know hypersomnia is part of depression, but sometimes I stay up extremely late doing random things online or reading for fun, knowing I will have trouble getting up in the morning with less than 8 hours of sleep. I’m beginning to think it is a form of self-injury or at least, self-sabotage. I’ve also started driving without heat in 30 degree weather. I’m suspicious of that behavior as well.

I really should shower and get dressed before my mom gets home. On Friday she threatened to commit me. On one hand, I feel like I’m not a danger to myself at the moment. On the other hand, in the very recent past, I was, I’m also not showing up were I’m supposed to (school, therapy), not going to treatment (I skipped Friday to), not doing my Activities of Daily Living, and she  used to work for the Courts to commit people. Therefore, she knows what to say. If she counted my meds, she would realize I’m not taking Lamictel. I stopped when my psychiatrist worried I was swinging toward mania. I would rather be manic than depressed. So far, no dice.

Link


It is tough to find active blogs revolving around Legend of the Seeker (or many of my off-air fandoms). This one is still posting and it is wonderful! http://mordsithwisdom.tumblr.com/

This is their most recent post: 😉 Look familiar? This is Cara, not Denna, but their outfits are similar, they’re both being tortured, and they both have blonde hair.

I’m not the only Doll


Alas, as far as I know, the technology for imprints and mind-wipes does not exist yet. Ever since the first episode of Dollhouse, I loved the idea of becoming a doll. I’m too tired to think, but I’ll explain my reasoning later. The main point is most people don’t understand the attraction and think it is weird.

A few of the post on the tumbler blog Dollhouse Confessions surprised me.

On the flip side of the coin…

Why the Doll state appeals to me:

  1. Dollhouse_did I fall asleepI  could escape my life for 5 years
  2. In Doll state I would have a higher drive to take care of myself than I do on my own. (I.e. exercise to peak physical fitness, eat healthily, sleep a normal amount) As a result, my body would most likely be healthier than when I went in.
  3. I could be emotionally at peace for 5 years.
  4. I’d live in a beautiful, comfortable environment. I know I wouldn’t remember it, but I still like the idea!
  5. I would get to live ever life and do things I am not capable of doing. Granted, I wouldn’t remember it, but it would still be cool!
  6. I would have skills that are beyond me. Think about it! Instant muscle memory! How awesome would that be? You could become an Olympic athlete overnight.
  7. If any of those things were morally wrong, I wouldn’t remember them. Even if I did somehow remember, I bet I could reason my way out of guilt, by saying I had no choice.
  8. I would have great wealth at the end of 5 years. Hell yes I would give away 5 years of my life if I was 210% financially secure for the rest of my life.
  9. Heck, I would even become of Doll for no money if they would fix my silly brain! Topher thought he could fix Priya’s schizophrenia. He did fix Anthony’s PTSD. Take away all my mental illnesses and you can have my mind and body for 5 years! Although, I’d need assurance that my body would be taken care of.
  10. I might get to retain those skills either like Echo through a composite event, or like Anthony by becoming a Tech Head. I would even sign the dotted line if they just let me keep some skills that would otherwise take years to learn.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Related Quotes

Topher: “They volunteered for this.”

Boyd: “So we’re told.”

I would volunteer…

Topher: “Look at Echo. Not a care in the world. She’s living The Dream.”
Boyd: “Whose Dream?”
Topher: “Who’s next?”

Considering how the programming works, she is living “her” dream as far as she is concerned.

Ballard: So this is it. This is where you steal their souls.”
Topher: “Yeah, and then we put ’em in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides him?” (indicates Boyd)
I do not think, if there is a soul, you can steal it. True, memories make up who we are, memories form our perceptions of the world, our beliefs, our thought processes, who or what we love, but I believe some part of us are inborn, little specks of personality that show up in babies.
_
Woman being interviewed (by a reporter breaking the Dollhouse case) : “The only reason someone would volunteer to be a slave is that they is one already.”
Well, *shrugs* I do think if I ever found someone I could trust enough for that type of relationship dynamic, I would enjoy an M/s relationship. In that sense, am I, at heart, already a slave? Perhaps.
_
Boyd: “What about those things we program them to do? Even if they did sign up, they didn’t know what they were signing up for.”
Topher: “Lay down your burdens, old man. They have what everybody wants. They live every life, have every skill, every experience. They fall in love. Hey, real love with unreserved passion.”
Boyd: “There’s nothing real about it. They’re programmed.”
Topher: “Does that tie keep you warm?”
Boyd: “What? No.”
Topher: “No, it’s just what grown-up men do in our culture. They put a piece of cloth around their necks so they can assert their status and recognize each other as non-threatening kindred.”
Boyd: “So what is this, the ’60s? Are we gonna burn our draft cards?”
Topher: “You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net. You feel guilty, maybe a little suspicious, every time you see that Salvation Army Santa. You look down for at least half a second if a woman leans forward. And your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a big golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Dollhouse_everybody's programmed
Boyd: “Damn. You really spent some time on your self-justification.”
Topher: “Not the case. I don’t care. This is an awesome gig. This is cutting-edge science in a house full of hot chicks. Morality is programming, too.”
I see the inherent ethical problems here. For example, if you consent to something without knowing the full meaning of what you’re consenting to, your consent is invalid. However, I think I should be able to waive my rights. I think, if I don’t care, I should be able to say, “Yes, I acknowledge I will have no say in my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I acknowledge I will have no memory of any events and I know I may not be able to envision all possible scenarios for the next 5 years, but that is okay. As a capable human being, of my own free will, I accept this contract.” I know, I know, there is always the possibility of coercion. It is rife with opportunity to abuse people in other ways. Once you’re in a doll state, you have no guarantee they will ever wake you up again. For instance, they tried to force Priya to be a doll forever. Furthermore, the way consent works in the U.S., you have the ability to withdraw it at any time. In doll state, you lose free will and awareness. Once wiped, you can no longer consent. Anything done to you is technically without consent, it is as if you are unconscious. I understand all this. I promise! I understand the thorny issue of consent, I understand how easy manipulation and abuse would be, and I understand that once in Doll state, I would be helpless. However, for MYSELF, I don’t see why I cannot say I am okay with all these unknowns. You have my life for 5 years.
_
Topher: “We’re great humanitarians.”
Boyd: “Who’d spend their lives in jail if they ever found this place.”
Topher: “We’re all so misunderstood… Which great humanitarians often are.”
Oh Topher, I freaking love you! 🙂 He grows so much. Also, he is a genius and a geek! Smart + geeky = best men.
_
Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Would you be a Doll?
_

Knowledge is a destination.


Still no work done today. 😦 Haha, my mom always asks why I have enough “self-control” to starve myself nearly to death, but not enough to study.

Well… eating disorders are mental illnesses, not “self-control.” She should know that considering she is a psychologist! Case in point: I’m trying to set aside my anxieties and focus on school. That means eating throughout the day, not obsessing about eating disorder related things, and not going over the same fears in my mind ad nauseum. I know to be successful, I need to focus solely on law school for the next 3 weeks. Despite a conscious effort to ignore my eating disorder, I constantly catch myself thinking about losing weight or feeling fat.

I know what she means though. Most people can’t subsist on water for 5 days or force themselves to throw up any food they consume, pushing past dizzy spells, pain, and blood. It doesn’t take self-control; it takes a depth of self-hate few people understand. I wish my “self-control” extended to other areas of my life. In a way, through perfectionism, it does enter other areas of my life. However, the self-loathing and fear coming from my self-concept destroy any benefit of perfectionism. Ironically, I procrastinate because of it.

While searching for a title, I came across the quote in my title: “Knowledge is a destination. Truth, the journey.” Again it is from Zeddicus Z’ul Zorander. I’m going to try to think of Law School this way. All those foreign words and new ideas seem overwhelming and tedious. However, if I learn them all, I will end up with the knowledge needed to discover the truth (of cases). Yet, right now, I need to write a paper.

We all can be only what we are


Ugh! I barely did any work yesterday. I skimmed over the reading for one of Monday’s classes. Granted, I rarely even do that. However, in order to pull this miracle off, I need to do much more than that paltry amount of studying.

The paper worth 40% of my grade is due at midnight. I have a sad, pathetic draft. Last time I had the worst grade in the class on the paper because I didn’t start it until the day it was due. I knew the work I was turning in was sub-par. I knew it was awful! However, I underestimated my classmates because I have a $40,000 merit scholarship and my LSAT score was above the 75 percentile for my school. I’m not used to having to work for grades. I made it to Psi Chi without working hard and I maintained my academic scholarship all 4 years undergrad.

God, I know I sound horrible. How can I complain about not having to work hard for grades and getting a bad grade because I underestimated my peers? I knew my classmates were smart, but despite my self-loathing and insisting I am “stupid”, I’m not used to being compared to people as smart as me. I went to academically excelled schools throughout my education, but still…by virtue of the bell curve, 90% of the people I meet are not as smart as me. I know you can’t tell from my word choice and grammar. :p Therefore, I relied on the forced academic curve to maybe give me a B- for my bad paper. Nope… it was barely a C-. Now I fear I am not smart enough for law school. Actually, logically I know that is false. I am smart enough for law school. I don’t know if I am smart enough to pass the semester after not reading for almost the entire semester and cramming it all in 2 weeks. Plus, mental illness is evil and I don’t react to emotions the same as others.

*sigh* I know my self-pitying rambling is pointless. It won’t help me pass. The only thing that will save me is focusing on the solution and not the problem. It is so fraking hard to do that though! My mind gets consumed with fear and I freeze. I am simultaneously afraid of failure and success. AHAHA, if I didn’t have mental illnesses, I’d be unstoppable. I need to stop feeling sad about what could be and focus on what IS.

We may not all be capable of being the Mother Confessor, but I must heed her words…

"We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less." - Kahlan Amnell

“We all can be only what we are, nothing more, or less.” – Kahlan Amnell

I’ve made mistakes. I’m not perfect. Yet, I need to look past my flaws and not let my fears paralyze me.

Actions betray lies


*edit* This should show up as the most recent post because it was created last. For some reason it is showing up 3rd. Therefore, to clarify, I was talking about the IQ bell curve in another post. Back to this post….

“Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.” The Wizard’s 5th Rule from Soul of the Fire, Chapter 28, page 205.

To make sure I was not misleading anyone, I looked up IQ percentiles. I was right. However, it made me think of something a therapist once told me. I don’t remember specifically what I was saying to her, but I told her I was not good enough because of some action. She asked if I would think my friends were bad people for doing the same thing I did. I did not think they would be bad people for doing the same thing I did. Yet, I condemned myself for whatever action. She said, “You can’t hold yourself to stricter standards than you hold the rest of the world. You don’t get to make up rules for yourself.”

Since then I repeat the idea to myself when I know I am being too hard on myself. However, my previous post made me reconsider. Why shouldn’t I be held to a higher standard than most people? Yes, people may work hard at Wal-Mart. Someone is no lazy because they work at an entry level job. However, for me, with my IQ and educational opportunities, it is lazy to work at a non-skilled job. I can say I am not lazy until I am blue in the face, but if all I do is work at Wal-Mart forever, my actions betray a lie. Perhaps I am correct to expect more from myself than from people around me.

There is still a disconnect though. Imagining this scenario, I do not conceptualize someone with the same IQ and educational opportunities as lazy simply because of their job. At the same time, I specify person X as me and I see the person as lazy and bad. Therefore, the standards I hold myself to are not based on my IQ and background.

What are those standards based on? I don’t know. They are internal. I find it ironic that I hate myself in almost all respects, yet I expect my thoughts and actions to be better than other people’s thoughts and actions. If I am worthless, why should anyone expect outstanding results from me?

Are my personal standards too high? I know some of them are too high. It is unreasonable to expect perfection at all times, in everything. After all, no human is perfect. That is impossible. Others….I am not sure.

Regardless, I need to stop thinking and start DOING. I can think all I want after exams. Right now my brain power needs to be devoted to school, not thinking of all my shortcomings. I am awful at dwelling on problems. I ruminate over how bad I am and fail to look at the solution. Perhaps I need to tattoo that quote to my arm. Or since  my main emotion is overwhelming anxiety, maybe “”When you are out numbered, and the situation is hopeless, you have no option–you must attack”  (From The Adventures of Bonnie Day in Stone of Tears, Chapter 49, page 511) is more apt.

The Solution, Not the Problem


How Law School makes me feel...

How Law School makes me feel…

3 weeks. I have exactly 3 weeks until the end of the semester. I am paralyzed by fear because I’m a perfectionist. I’m extremely behind in reading and I don’t really know what to expect out of law school.

This week is the last week of classes. I have a paper worth 40% of my grade due tomorrow. I also have a court observation report due on Tuesday. I haven’t observed yet, oops! After Thanksgiving, I have until December 10th to cram a semester’s worth of legal knowledge into my brain. My last exam is on the 13th. The work feels overwhelming. I’m desperately trying to remember to “Think of the solution, not the problem.” – Richard Rahl (in Blood of the Fold, by Terry Goodkind)

I have no choice. Since I am a first semester 1L, I cannot medically withdraw this semester. If I want to be a lawyer, I must pass this semester. If I fail, no law school will accept me as a new student.

One desperate act after another


Yeah, creative post title. I know. It is 5 am and I can’t sleep. I’ll make a better post when I can think. I thought the blog looked weird without a post.

I’m using this blog to write about my sexuality because I’m not at peace with it yet. However, since my sexuality may be linked to other facets of my personality and environment, I will also write about school and mental health.

*edit* The original title was “First…” I changed it to a quote from Zeddicus Zu’l Zorander. “Sometimes that’s all life is: one desperate act after another.” Stone of Tears, Chapter 22, page 259

It perfectly captures my feelings at the moment.