Trying a Different Type of New Year’s Resolution


Usually, my resolutions involve grades or weight. This year I’m shying away from external measures of “success”.

My New Year’s Resolution: Accept myself (the limits of my IQ – potentially crushing 😦 – , struggles with mental illness – eating disorder, anxiety, depression – , kink, bisexuality, appearance, even *gasp* weight)

I need to come up with ways to facilitate this. I cannot remember a time I liked or accepted myself. So far, talking and blogging about my insecurities yields a surprising amount of revelations. I think it forces me to elaborate my thoughts to clarify them for others, exposing fallacies. It also helps limit rumination, which only perpetuates negative emotions and does not lead to solutions. However, I don’t know what else I can do to foster self-acceptance.

What things do you think I should do to encourage self-acceptance?

Torn


Right now I’m coming down on the side of vulnerability and putting myself out there. I am not used to that at all. I don’t share much with people, even people I’m supposed to be close to. I don’t trust easily. I’m terrified of putting my heart out in the open, of letting myself feel.

But if I don’t give people a chance, I’ll always be alone. Love isn’t going to fall in my lap. I have to be open, I may make mistakes, I may wind up with regrets, but the only way to ensure I have no regrets and make no mistakes is by not fully living.

In order to get what I want (love), I have to open myself up to my greatest fear (loss).

When my best friend from PHP left I cried. She was the only treatment friend I cried over. I didn’t cry when anyone from inpatient left. After she left, I remember thinking the pain was not worth it. It was easier to keep myself walled off and not make connections, than it was to lose someone.

I’m standing at a crossroads. On one side there is the chance of great suffering and/or great love, on the other side there is stagnation.

Usually I run away and stop talking to people at this point. I push them away, so I don’t have to get to know them and feel the sting of their loss later. Yet, I yearn to know what love is like. I want to feel the connection songs are made of…but I’m terrified.

I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting them.

*sigh* The irony of my love of physical pain and abnormally high aversion to emotion pain is not lost on me.

  • Torn (itsebunite.wordpress.com)
  • all torn up (newrussell5087.wordpress.com)

Use Your Words


You know how you tell a 2 year old to “use your words” when they start a tantrum? Apparently, this lesson didn’t go much past age 2 in my family. The other night I had a random thought. BDSM involves lots of overt, clear verbal communication. In contrast, my family is the opposite. My mom wanted to spend time just as our nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I) before they left town, but my uncle and grandparents wanted to spend part of their last day with them to. I tried and failed to encourage my mom to express her wants about spending some time as our nuclear family; I even pointed out she spent $100,000+ on hospitalizations to teach me to use my words to express emotions. She refused, saying it wasn’t important. This is a stretch, but maybe my brother and I’s mutual interest in BDSM is partially due to the clear verbal communication, since we grew up in a family that encouraged not expressing your wants, needs, or feelings. Obviously, a lot more would go into anyone’s predilections; it is just an interesting observation.

Dating, Maybe Not…


I felt confident for a few hours, then my sister-in-law told me about friend trouble. The friend has some mental illness struggles and the mental illness is causing relationship strain. The situation brings me back to my fears about dating. I don’t want to be a burden….but then, what? I never get in relationships because I might burden or hurt the other person? That means I will always be alone. Plus, relationships are give and take, as long as I act honorably and do not put undue or unfair burdens on someone, it is okay… but sometimes we crack and maybe we will do things we know are wrong like sending someone a suicide note and then disappearing for hours….. argh…must do more thinking….

*edited a few hours later* Well, confidence didn’t last long. Now I know my sister-in-law has a history of mental illness. I thought they were proof of healthy people enjoying BDSM. Now I’m rehashing all my “does masochism equal an unhealthy coping mechanism and not a true sexual desire?” arguments.

Dating, Maybe…


I’m seriously considering getting back in the game. All of your comments, likes, and talking to my brother and sister-in-law, gives me confidence. I’m even talking to people on Fetlife again. …Shh.

However, school starts again on the 9th. I need to put a lot more effort into this semester. School always causes anxiety or depression. In turn, I brush people off or ignore them, not because I dislike them or don’t care, but because I am too wrapped up in anxiety or sadness. Half of my relationships ended because of the distance I created as a result of school and more than one budding relationship stopped because I accidentally gave the impression that I did not like the person.

Unconditional Love, Coming Out, and Communication


I have no doubt my parents love me unconditionally. I know no matter what I do, they will always love me. God knows I’ve tested that theory enough! Although I knew this for years, for some reason I remembered the realization last night.

I also know my mom loves her brother very much. They are pretty close; they talk a lot. I know she never disowned my uncle. Unlike my grandpa, she accepted him right away. She is more than capable of looking past a moral or political disagreement and loving someone.

My grandpa reconciling with my uncle shows he is also capable of looking past moral or political disagreements and loving someone. In fact, even though it took him a few years to make peace, he showed the most love! He came from the strictest background of any of us. He was a farm boy in the rural Midwest in the 1920s. Do you remember my view of religion? I tend to see all the paths to damnation. He grew up in the hellfire and brimstone era of protestant religion in this region. He probably views the world with more fear than I do!!! He came from a very tightknit, extremely religious family. Furthermore, he grew up in an intolerant time period. Yet, he overcame all this, he wrestled with beliefs he honestly held as part of his personal hope of eternal salvation for at least half a century, and he accepted my uncle. His actions were not out of spite! I believe even while he shunned my uncle, he loved him dearly. I believe my grandpa tried to help my uncle! He believed (believes?) homosexuality is a sin and if a person is not remorseful for their sins, they will be tortured for all time in the afterlife. Therefore, I think he shunned my uncle to try to coerce my uncle into stopping all homosexual behavior. I do not think it was out of anger. I think it was out of love and extreme fear. He believes sexuality is a choice. We may be attracted to one gender or both, but we can choose to focus our attraction toward the opposite gender. Since he believes my uncle has a choice and he believes choosing homosexuality would damn my uncle for eternity, my grandpa refused to talk to him for years, in an effort to encourage him to make the choice my grandpa thought meant everlasting bliss in the afterlife. In time, Grandpa realized my uncle would not change his behavior, even if Grandpa refused to acknowledge him for the rest of his life. Realizing this, I think he decided to salvage his relationship with his son on Earth, despite believing his actions would damn him in the afterlife. In a way, he overcame the most and displayed the deepest love because he had to look past or alter beliefs he held for over 50 years!

All these thoughts came after seeing this picture on Humans of New York:

“At this time in my life, there’s nothing I really value more than interaction with my children, and they’ve just grown so busy that there’s not much of it. All I can really do is trust that they care, even if they don’t communicate it, and reflect on all the times that I didn’t reply to my mother when she sent me things.”

The picture caption made me sad because I know my mom and grandparents all feel this way. As my grandparents approach their 90s, the feeling becomes stronger because they know the time they have left to spend with their children and grandchildren is dwindling. I feel guilty for not spending more of my free time with them either going out for a bite to eat or just calling for a quick chat. Sometimes I’m even mad at my brother for not calling them more because I know it hurts them and they feel unimportant or unloved, like out of sight, out of mind. I also worry in a few years, my brother will regret not picking up the phone once a month. They call him, but they often do not get a response and interpret that as either their calls are unwanted or bothersome. Therefore, they no longer leave messages; instead they wait for a call that never comes.

However, then I realized part of the problem may be he too is hiding a large part of himself from them. While it might be easy to chat about work or the weather, maybe it is painful or awkward to censor himself all the time. Perhaps that is part of why he does not return calls or call on his own. Vulnerability leads to stronger, deeper bonds. He is too afraid to let any of them see the real him, preventing a better relationship.

Although I feel much closer to all three because I live in town, I am guilty of the same thing. I realized we are not giving them the chance to love us for us. They have already proven they can do it with my uncle! It may be painful at first, but in the end, I believe it is best if all of us come out. We have to trust the people who love us and raised us to love us, even when we don’t fit the dreams they had for us. If we don’t trust them, but we underestimated them, we are robbing them and ourselves of truer, more open, real, trusting, close relationships.

Therefore, I am going to come out about BDSM and bisexuality. I hope my brother and sister-in-law come out as well.

That said I am not going to do it until I am financially independent because I do not want the rug pulled out from under me. Acceptance may take time and I am prepared for that, but tuition must be paid. I hope my grandparents are alive to reap the benefits. If they do not, I may regret not risking a few thousand dollars extra in student loans, but in the meantime, I am going to do my best to call or see them more often and talk about school and the weather.

Christmas Carols and Tens Units


Fun fact: My mom got my dad a TENS Unit for Christmas!! It is a massager, but it made me laugh. Plus, all except 2 people in my family tried it and the two who got to the highest settings were the two masochists!

So far, so good with fighting because of different opinions about sexual morality or politics. *crosses fingers*

Love at First Sight


Do you think love at first sight exists? I’ve never been in love. I love my family and friends, but I’ve never experienced romantic love. Therefore, I don’t have abundant knowledge on the subject. I think a parent’s love for their child can bloom at first sight. I don’t think romantic love at first sight exists.

I think lust at first sight exists. For example, I can lust over Bridget Regan, but I don’t love her. I don’t know her! I can’t love someone I don’t know. I can love her acting skills (seriously, go watch “Torn” from s2 of Legend of the Seeker), I can love a character she portrayed, I can love her looks, but without personally knowing her, I cannot love her in the deep, abiding, romantic way. Sure, I may hope good things happen. I may wish her a  happy personal life or I may be sad when she is not cast as Wonder Woman. Still, I believe knowing about someone’s character and intellect is imperative to love. Also, spending time with the person is needed. Therefore, I think romantic love builds over time; it can arise from lust at first sight, but they are not the same thing.

In The Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, Richard essentially falls in love the first time he and Kahlan make eye contact,

“She stood straight and still, her arms at her side. Her eyebrows had the graceful arch of a raptor’s wings in flight. Her green eyes came unafraid to his. The connection was so intense that it threatened to drain his sense of self. He felt that he had always known her, that she had always been a part of him, that her needs were his needs. She held him with her gaze as surely as a grip of iron would, searching his eyes as if searching his soul, seeking an answer to something. I am here to help you, he said in his mind. He meant it more than any thought he had ever had.
The intensity of her gaze relaxed, loosening its hold on him. In her eyes he saw something that attracted him more than anything else. Intelligence. He saw it flaring there, burning in her, and through it all he felt an overriding sense of her integrity. Richard felt safe.”

Such an experience would be amazing, but I don’t think it is realistic.

Do you think romantic love at first sight exists?

In case you are either uninformed or silly, and don’t know why I would lust after Bridget Regan…

She is hauntingly beautiful
_
B eyes
Her gorgeous bright blue eyes
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Her full, soft-looking hair (regardless of the current color, it is touchable)
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Her legs
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https://i0.wp.com/i630.photobucket.com/albums/uu26/kaymartxD/Decorated%20images/bridget_regan_0001.jpg
Does this one even need a caption?
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B Cheekbones
Her cheek bones
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B dorable
She is adorable! (and funny, if you watch Attack of the Show)
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Her smile, any version, but I’m jealous of the first picture because I can’t pull off a closed-lips smile. Also, her perfect teeth!
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Her complexion
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candid
This looks suspiciously “real”, yet she is still amazing!
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You Know Law School Crushed Your Soul When…


A C+ makes you happy! In fact, not having the lowest grade in the class is a wonderful thing! It can no longer be taken for granted.

lilah teasing smile

Friends’ poor grades make you secretly smile (argh, curve!)lilah paking heat

Going from low “emerging” [aka you are clueless] to “competent”, by 1 point [aka you still have a long way to go before this quality of work would not result in being disbarred], is cause for celebration!

In some classes, simply passing, no matter how low the grade is, becomes a gift from Gods you aren’t sure you believe in. Whereas, you used to cry over B+s…Yes, you were that person and look how you fell.

Lilah you make so much more sense to me! Also, woah! Lilah is a masochist, lending credence to my theory that Law School is for serious Masochists,

cordie to lilah want to punch ulilah to cordie trying to turn me on

The BEST Cara x Kahlan Video on Youtube (embed now works!)!


I’m not biased; I didn’t make it!

Happy Christmas Eve, for your viewing pleasure, the best Cara/Kahlan ship video out there! I CAN SEE YOU AREN’T CLICKING THE YOUTUBE LINK!

http://youtu.be/Tbp5S1vyXQo  All the feels!

*edit* Now the embed function appears to work! Yay! Now you have no excuse for not watching! Just click play and enjoy! 🙂 (as of Jan. 10, 2014)

*sad, apparently I can’t embed this video! It is well worth the click either from the tweet or the video.

Seven Year Anniversary


My most recent suicide attempt was seven years ago today. I was 16 years old. My first suicide attempt was an overdose 4 years earlier. Since then, my parents kept all medication locked in a closet. However, a few months prior to my 2006 attempt, I started stockpiling my medication. It was the day before Christmas Eve, but the date never entered my mind. All I thought about was the unbearableness of the unending, painful, and exhausting rollercoaster ride of my emotions.

I don’t remember much after taking the first few pills, until waking up in a hospital 45 minutes away from home two days later. I vaguely recall a woman holding me down, saying, “You can’t fight it, sweetie.” The next thing I know, I’m in a hospital bed, with an IV, catheter, baby-sitter, and a very sore throat. It took more than a week for my throat to stop hurting from the “Garden Hose” the hospital used to pump my stomach. By far the worst thing about my attempt was seeing my parents for the first time. Seeing their tear-stained faces and finally realizing the depth of anguish my suicide would cause, is one of 2 things that stopped future suicide attempts.

Depression lied to me. I did not think my actions were selfish. I truly believed my family and friends, in fact, the entire world, would be better off without me. I thought I was doing them a favor. I thought all I did was cause stress and heartache; if I was dead, everyone else would be happier. Plus, I believed living would always be as painful as it seemed in that moment.

Seeing my parents in the hospital helped bring me back to reality. No matter how bad, evil, awful, horrible, mean, pathetic, or weak I thought I was, I hurt them the most by killing myself and that was the opposite of my intention.

Yet, even at this point I was not sorry. I wanted to die. People say once a person jumps, kicks over the chair, or swallows the pills, they regret their actions and realize all their problems are solvable. I was not that person. When I woke up, I was angry they stopped me. I was angry I was still alive. In fact, I disconnected my IV, hoping I was not too late.

It took a few weeks for the depression to clear, but while in the hospital, despite guilt, I still wanted to die. Over the years, the image of my parents crying at my bedside stopped me when I felt suicidal again.

…………

And then I took a shower and realized, this post is morbid. I learned some important life lessons as a result of that attempt and I still have a long way to go, but focusing on the present is more important. For example, the loving, accepting family surrounding me! I don’t know why they put up with me; I wouldn’t.

The Positive Coming Out Experience


Sometimes Vulnerability is Good. After admitting my bisexuality to my sister-in-law, my brother, sister-in-law, and I ended up talking for 2 hours and there were a few mutual comings out. Here are some things I learned…

1. My big brother is kinky and knew it at age 7.

Sawyer surprised

I’m not alone! I always thought I was weird because I had masochistic fantasies from such a young age, whereas according to research and anecdotal evidence, most people don’t realize they are kinky until they are older. It worried me; I felt something must be wrong with me. Knowing my brother is similar lifts a huge burden. As usual, I can accept things as good or fine for others, but not in myself. I’ve always looked up to him. So, knowing his truth and knowing how normal and good he is, normalizes me.

2. Whether or not masochism is sick for me is a tough question, how do you know if someone drinks a lot or is an alcoholic? The difference is whether their drinking interferes with their life. Perhaps that is a good way to think about this.

3. Lesbian relationships question – Is it “ok” to purposefully ignore same-sex attraction because homosexual relationships are still tough societally? There is no right answer, it isn’t wrong to ignore female attraction for fear of reprisal, especially now (I am financially dependent on my parents). However, obviously it would mean I miss out on potentially wonderful relationships. It is about happiness maximization.

That was Anti-Climactic (coming out)


My brother and sister-in-law are here! My sister-in-law saw one of my Sapphic GIFs and asked me about it when we were alone for a moment. So, I told her.

How I felt before:

How she reacted:

How I felt after:

No one else knows. I’m sure she’ll tell my brother, but that is okay. I told her I was scared to tell my uncle, in case my mom and uncle fight, but she said he was a safe person to tell secrets.

Coming Out or Chickening Out?


I planned on telling my gay uncle about my bisexuality because I know he understands. However, as soon as my mom got home last night, she ranted about my uncle refusing to attend church on Christmas Eve and refusing to let anyone talk about politics or religion. She said she isn’t going to let his sensitivities prevent her from talking about her personal views. I can see it now… She says something that offends him, he gets red and starts yelling and in anger, tells her my secret! 😦

CD1

Bondage and Love

CD Bondage7 CD Bondage6

It is mutual Myka! After all, many of H.G.’s lovers were women. 😉 love

Best. Couple. EVER.

Tara I am you know Tara_YoursI will always find youonce more with feeling

Sensory Deprivation


My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c

[youtube.com=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c]

In case youtube takes it down:

via http://io9.com/5829343/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-sensory-deprivation-tanks

While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

Olivia Dunham: Fandom Explored


In an earlier post, BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!, I mentioned my love of strong female characters. Although I dismissed a potential contradiction, I do find it a bit odd. My favorite TV characters have similarities; they’re mostly tough, independent, fighters. To try to find more common characteristics, I’m going to do quick character analyses.

Olivia Dunham from Fringe.

Oh, Olive! At first, I didn’t like you. I think it was because you remind me too much of myself. You grew on me though! You are insecure at times (okay a lot of the time), you have trouble letting people in, you’re too serious, but…

First of all, you are a BAMF all the way! Who else could survive this?

Second, you are emotional, maybe too emotional, and you know it.

Yet, you play your hand close to your vest. You hide your emotions as much as possible, you do not trust easily. Your ability to bluff and hide is a type of strength.

Third, you risk everything for the people you love and the principles you hold dear. You would sacrifice yourself for others. There is no greater love.

Fourth, you can take care of yourself! Left behind in a hostile alternate dimension? Not a big deal! You can problem solve like a champion! Plus, you can fight and shoot a gun rather well!

Fifth, you are empathetic and instead of letting it make you weak, you learn to harness it and make yourself a better FBI Agent.

Sixth, you dedicate your life to helping others and putting away the bad guys.

Seventh, I love your sense of humor!

Eighth, you stand up for what you believe in, even against people in power. You don’t mince words.

Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads


The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

 

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.

I Am Not a Victim


“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”  Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist  saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

Kiera Cameron: Fandom Explored


In an earlier post, BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!, I mentioned my love of strong female characters. Although I dismissed a potential contradiction, I do find it a bit odd. My favorite TV characters have similarities; they’re mostly tough, independent, fighters. To try to find more common characteristics, I’m going to do quick character analyses.

Kiera Cameron from Continuum (Thanks for the introduction Netflix!)

Kiera is smart, good at her job, and principled. She is also adaptable. She is a police officer in 2077. While guarding condemned prisoners’ high profile execution, she is pulled back in time to 2012 during their escape attempt. Even though she wants her son and husband back, she is willing to save lives or do what seems right at the moment despite potentially altering the future. She is independent and resourceful, lying her way onto the police force. Granted she has some high-tech help. She is a BAMF.

Urge to Purge


Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.

Compassion and Mental Illness Or Friends Who Accept All of You


I have a theory, people with mental illness tend to be more compassionate and understanding of other people’s flaws. For example, the first person to romantically accept me, every secret, every scar, and every contradiction, had a history of depression. Furthermore, I have many friends with various mental illnesses, some of that is by design like meeting people in treatment and I suppose the others are because we attract people similar to us.

Tonight I had dinner with a wonderful friend; we’ve known each other since high school. We met online and discovered we lived in the same town. At the time, we were both mired in our eating disorders and we did some rather disordered things together. The first time we met in person, we bought diet pills together. We ended up going to the same university and living on the same dorm floor (not by accident). Now we’re both in grad school! Tonight we ate dinner at the same place we met 6 years ago. Talk about full circle! She is one of two RL people who I sent a link to this blog. I sent her the Feminism link because I knew she came from the same world and might understand what I tried to convey. I feared there would be a lot of negative feedback. So, I wanted some affirmation. She did understand, but I did not need to worry. No one replied negatively.

Apparently my friend read more than just that one post. So now she knows more than most people. My family may not understand, but she is fricking awesome! She (as far as I know) does not share my proclivities, but she was not weird about them at all!

I realize the people who understand me on the most fundamental level and forgive my mistakes the easiest are the people in my life with a history of mental illness. That doesn’t mean I plan on actively seeking out others with mental illnesses as mates because I fear for any future children’s genetics; nonetheless, I think it is an interesting observation.

Reasons for NOT coming out…


1. Once you tell someone, not in the lifestyle, you are a masochist, it becomes a joke. For example, while baking 2 days ago, one item needed to be rolled in powdered sugar right after it came out of the oven. My mom said, “Ok, we need the masochist!” *she laughs*

Now, that is not especially hurtful or rude, but would it be socially acceptable to say, “Ok, we need the lesbian!” No, I think not. I don’t know, I’m probably being overly sensitive.

2. Once you tell someone, it becomes okay to randomly hurt you. For example, After someone pinches me hard enough to break skin, I say, “What are you doing?” They reply, “What? You shouldn’t care; you’re a masochist.”

Um…That is not how it works…   LotS_Cara's WTF face

The Remnants of Fear


I say I am not Christian; I don’t believe in God, but I still have many ideas stuck in my head. Despite hearing, “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-34) as a child, like I said in my last post, I do not believe all women should be submissive. I identify as a submissive, but not because I am female.

However, I still have a lot of fear bottled up inside. I do not think my family or church intended to instill fear; I think they meant to give me hope of salvation, but all I see are paths to damnation. In some ways it works in my favor. For example, 1 of the 2 things that stopped me from attempting suicide since age 16 is a fear of Hell. I don’t think a just God would damn a broken human for his or her weakness, but I cannot be sure.

In other ways, the ideas I can’t seem to dislodge, despite my lack of belief in their religious tenants, are unhelpful. For example, I am technically a virgin. In other words, I have no experience with penile vaginal penetration. Why does this one act mean more to me than any other genital skin contact? Obviously there is a pregnancy fear, but birth control can easily take care of that. I also worry about STDs, but other sexual contact can transmit STDs.

In my mind there is something special about vaginal penetration. I can’t logically explain it, so I think it is a vestige of my upbringing. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about vaginal intercourse before marriage. I do not feel guilt about the other sex acts I’ve done. It is so frustrating! Clearly, I find alternatives stimulating. Yet, people hold it up at the Holy Grail of intimacy. So, maybe that is what I’m missing in vanilla intimate contact?

I hate how the very thought of an action can create guilt! It is absurd! It probably did not help matters when my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…like my brother was at the time. He is still in the family, but she said she would be angrier at me because I am female and would risk more.

I read this blog post and it made me feel a little better because it reminded me of Deej’s West Wing Clip about homosexuality and the Bible. Both arguments mention relying on some sections of the Old Testament to decry behavior, while selectively ignoring other sections (ex. human trafficking). The earlier conversation helped me accept part of my sexuality in a new way. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this fear. It is illogical, right?! If the statistic on the linked blog post are true and 9 out of 10 women in 1940 had premarital sex, certainly a just God would not damn each of those people. After all, I believe the Bible says somewhere that all sin is equal and we’re all sinners. Therefore, lying to my mom every day about restricting my food is no better than premarital sex.

But then…WHY DO I EVEN CARE what the Bible says if I don’t believe?!? I think I care because I afraid it is true. Yet, if it is all true, then there is forgiveness. So, why am I so fearful?

I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to regret losing my virginity. I don’t want to look back and feel sad on my wedding night that I can’t give my virginity to my partner.

Oddly, since coming to terms with bisexuality, I don’t get the same sense to guilt over female-female fisting. WTF brain?!?! That would break the precious piece of skin your worrying about to!!

Firefly_going mad

Christian Domestic Discipline


Admittedly, my knowledge is limited. However, I don’t like the idea. Perhaps I should not care are the reasons behind a Dom/me’s motivation, but I do.

I do not believe anyone (…except myself…) is worse or better than anyone else. I do not believe women are less than men. I do not believe women should be subservient or men must be dominant. I believe there are differences between genders which may predispose someone to certain roles, for example, caregiving. However, I do not think that means anyone is relegated to a certain position. Women do not have to be stay at home mothers, women do not even have to be mothers, and men can make great stay at home dads! I believe submission is right for me. I do not think it is right for all women, nor do I think it is wrong for a man to be submissive.

With this in mind, CDD bothers me because proponents teach that God gives men the right and obligation to discipline and guide his wife. I do not believe any deity gives someone the right to dominant me. I submit because it feels right to me, not because I think God or the universe or society demands it. If I chose, I can submit to a woman and that makes me no less human. In fact, I would rather submit to a woman who earned my trust and devotion than a man who did not.

Zedd_PrincessCara_no such thing

The idea that God gives someone the right to punish their spouse on the basis of gender or any other reason bothers me. No one has the right to do anything to me; they earn the right to hurt me and teach me because they prove themselves intelligent, trustworthy and caring.

I feel hypocritical vetting someone else’s motives, when I am not so sure my masochistic/submissive motives are pure, but CDD does not sit well with me.

Do you have thoughts about Christian Domestic Discipline or any type of religion-sanctified gender role?

Masochism is Not a Disease


“For example, heavy masochists enjoy pain intensities  that most players cannot tolerate, such as canings or single-tailed whippings. Canings and intense whippings are performed by very experienced players and can leave welts, small cuts, and bruises, but these are generally considered acceptable as long as these marks can heal on their own. Some heavy masochists are proud of their markings following a scene.

Wait….That is abnormal?! I assumed all masochists felt this way.

“Therapists should be aware that dominant–submissive relationships, particularly those that are long term, may be characterized by levels of trust, intimacy, and sharing that  may be unmatched by many conventional relationships.”

*nods* This is my experience.

“Although it may be common to assume BDSM participants are psychosocially maladjusted, many have been found to be well-educated and well-adjusted”

“Probably the most important point is that sexual masochism appears to be more common among successful, individualistic people” (p. 120). According to Baumeister, such unconventional behaviors seem to be a way to temporarily escape from the Self. Indeed, we live in a fast-paced society with high stress and many demands, but also restrictions, on different aspects of our identities. Perhaps BDSM play is a safe way for many individuals to creatively escape, whether it be through means such as letting go of control (submission), experiencing pain or extreme sensation (focus on the body and/or natural endorphin rush), or temporarily become a different identity (fantasy/role play).”

Awesome, he doesn’t think that is a bad thing! I kept reading different theories of masochism and therapists kept mentioning escape for self as a bad, self-destructive reason.

“Again, the issue is not whether or not certain behaviors are morally okay, but whether or not certain behavioral patterns warrant inclusion as legitimate mental disorders based on solid empirical evidence and scientific inquiry. As has been pointed out, the evidence supporting BDSM as being objectively and necessarily pathological is lacking. To the contrary, the available evidence suggests BDSM participants generally are healthy, educated, well-adjusted and successful. However, it is unfortunate that many participants must remain silent about their lifestyles for fear that misperceptions, cultural and religious biases and judgments by others could lead to severe problems in social and occupational functioning.”

Who knows, maybe by the DSM-VII we won’t be considered mentally ill (for this reason 😉 ) I think I’m going to talk to my uncle about all this. I used to talk to him about my eating disorder when I was a kid. I want to talk to someone, really talk to someone, not just type my thoughts to people who don’t respond. I know I’ll talk to him about bisexuality because he is gay. Therefore, I know he will have no qualms about that. I may bring up the submissive/masochistic side to. After all, he knows me and should be able to judge if my motives are self-destructive or not.

Apparently DJ Williams is a Sociologist, not a Psychologist. I suppose I can forgive him!

Reviewing Childhood


Now that the law semester is over, I’m busier than I was in school because I’m expected to help cook and clean again. Last night my parents had a dinner party and I helped all night. While serving dinner, I realized I perfected being seen and not heard at age 5. O.o Anyway, got to go, I’m only grabbing something from upstairs.

Scientific Research on Masochism


Finally I can research psychology journals or create fandom music videos without feeling guilty for procrastinating!

So far, my research is comforting! Then again, I am purposefully biased in paper selection. Since I’m not doing this research for a dissertation or a lab, I am okay with that! However, you should know I am ignoring papers that are negative. Yet, the ability to find any positive published papers on masochism is exciting!

I wanted to wait until I read all the articles I saved, but I can’t wait to share this beautiful prose from a PhD psychologist, “The sexual relations found among the clients cited above are not about people who are running away from intimacy, notwithstanding the unusual nature of their sex lives; it is about choosing an extraordinary level of intense, erotic intimacy and of mutual trust. Once one enters the power exchange with a trusted partner, there is no going back, literally or figuratively. To put oneself in another’s hands is not about escapism but rather about being uncovered, exposure and discovery. To be held,appreciated, embraced and loved despite being (or because of having the courage to be) vulnerable and known intimately can lead to self-discovery and acceptance that is transforming. This is living on the edge. It may entail placing oneself in suspended animation, changing one’s pain threshold and intensely focused concentration.”

This paragraph gives me warm and fuzzies. 🙂 Yay for knowledgeable people making it okay and NOT pathological to be me.

And

“Whereas many people conceal themselves during sex, extraordinary lovers deliberately seek out the anxiety provoking. That which creates embarrassment, trepidation, a sense of foreboding, or provokes uneasy nervous laughter, curiosity, a titillating sense of risk and/or a compelling hint of arousal (Mahrer, 1996/2004) may suggest the potential for growth resides there. Rather than trying to dampen, modulate, contain and ignore (i.e., “bypass”) the anxiety that interferes with “functioning,” such lovers explore and exploit sensitive areas and use them as an avenue towards personal development and erotic intimacy. They may not know what lurks in their own shadows but the attitude is of welcoming unknowns.”

Both quotes are from “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” by Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz

BDSM: Maybe it IS about the Pain


I have a few different ideas about pain. Of course, not all pain is equal and circumstances matter a great deal, but that is another post.

This video contains fictional examples of some of my thoughts about pain. The clips are from V for Vendetta and Legend of the Seeker. If you’d rather not watch it, I’m also going to list them and explain the ideas in the post.

http://youtu.be/rut1ONumlks

1. Pain gives us pride. This is a large aspect for me. I am proud of the amount of pain I can endure. I look at bruises or other marks, lightly touching them to make my nerves dance, and smile because I see proof of my inner strength.

2. Pain makes us powerful. I feel pride because of this power. Withstanding pain makes me powerful because the more pain I willingly endure, the less anyone or anything can truly hurt me. I am powerful because blows glance off me.

3. Pain teaches us control. Biting back a scream, forcing my body to remain still as the whip mars my flesh, or resisting the urge the cry, enables self-control. Sometimes I may not be able to control my emotions, but this helps. It gives me a measure of control that few people can match without drugs. If I can master my body, I can master my emotions.

4. Pain makes us resilient. Withstanding brutal bodily assault means lesser hurts, physical and emotional, are like minor annoyances. Once you’ve been though hell, everything else seems inconsequential.

5. Pain clarifies what is important to us. Taking yourself to the edge brings clarity. What are you willing to endure torture for? An ideal, such as honesty? Your life? Someone else’s life? It may even give you a will to live. Pain shows us there is more to life; it opens our eyes. What are we willing to sacrifice? What means more than our life?

6. Pain takes away our fear. This is the same idea as resilience. Once you’ve shown the limits of your will, there is nothing more to fear in this life.

7. Pain reveals our true selves. It strips away the veneer, the masks we put on, the image we try to project… It takes us to our base self. It shows who we really are without the trappings we live with.

8. Pain bonds us. Pain not only bonds a couple engaging in S&M, it also bonds us to others. Pain creates a new depth of intimacy. The trust and faith required to submit wholly to another person is unparalleled. This is how masochism is sexual for me. Pain has all these functions, but this one is purely about connecting with your partner on a new level. I am capable of strong, loving emotional connections, but pain brings something new to the equation. Yet, it also deepens our empathy towards everyone because pain is something all people experience.

9. Pain is transformative. Through all these ways, pain transforms our being. Once we have this knowledge of ourselves, once we are purified through the fire, we emerge as new people.

But if pain is transformative than why would someone need more than one intense scene in their life?

Because we can always become stronger, more self-controlled, more powerful, more centered. Furthermore, pain has value in the moment.

10. Pain overwhelms the brain and blissfully obliterates emotion. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Lonely? You don’t have to be. Maybe it isn’t the healthiest way to deal with emotion, but it works. I don’t have to feel. I don’t have to scream at someone in anger. All I have to do is get rid of the emotion with another sensation. That is why I self-injure. It has nothing to do with sex. I’m not saying anger does not have a place. All emotions have a time and a place; confrontation is sometimes necessary to. You have to be able to express your needs within any relationship. Needs and wants and emotional reactions are normal. It is good to be able to talk about your feelings. Otherwise you can’t have a relationship because relationships, even D/s relationships, are two-sided. A sub or slave is not a doormat, he or she has wants, needs, and feelings just like any other human being. However, some people, submissive or masochistic or none of the above, have emotional reactions  that they know are disproportionate or irrational. Sometimes those emotions have nothing to do with a legitimate want or need, they just spring up and engulf someone. In those cases, when there is no need that must be met or underlying root, and the emotion causes so much turmoil that it threatens to overwhelm the person, using pain to slay the beast makes perfect sense.

11. Pain sates the darkness. As Goodkind eloquently put it,

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421 of Faith of the Fallen

Clearly, self-hate reigns here. This aspect is probably the most dangerous and unhealthy part. However, as long as the self-hate exists, it is safer to satisfy the demon within through pain from someone else’s hand than one’s own. Otherwise, the feelings of self-loathing may become overwhelming and awful things like suicidal ideation can result. Obviously, you have to pick a partner who cares about your wellbeing more than you do. If you chose a sociopath, you may be no safer than in your own hands. For me, submission fulfills this to. Serving someone else give me a purpose. Subjugation feels like something I deserve. It feels right and proper. Just like pain, submission has many other facets like showing love. However, that is for another post.

 

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And I thought I had issues!


LOL! Someone is bitter…

Photo_00008

I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, “Finals monster is coming…to kill…your future in law!” I’ll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn’t see it as an omen!

I’m much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don’t care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m ashamed of my procrastination and I’m an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I’m one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, “I just failed because I didn’t study.” as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough!  It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can’t seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

“14 Signs Your Perfectionism has Gotten Out of Control” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

and

Body Love, I Know Girls, and Self-Acceptance


More and more I think if it makes me happy, why shouldn’t I do it? Why should I care what other people think? Why should I care about the antecedents?

Perhaps it is true there are more dangerous people who are sadists or more mentally ill people who are masochists, but I also know here are amazing, compassionate, caring, intelligent people on both sides of the coin.

Yes, I have mental illnesses, they are part of who I am today. Even when I am in remission, they’ve shaped who I am. It is clear I function optimally when in a D/s relationship. The last time I remember liking my body and feeling confident since I was 9 years old was during a D/s relationship. Why should I give up that peace and security because of societal expectations?

Someone once told me even if I work through the antecedents, this will most likely always be with me. Why am I fighting so hard against part of myself? Why can’t I just accept it?

Mary Lambert ❤ makes me want to cry in a good way. “I only know how to exist when I am wanted.” 😦 FYI, I’m jealous of her girlfriend; she seems amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7tlFfKCESg

Masochism does not have to be self-destructive. There may be an element of self-hate, but it is so much more than that.

Criminal Minds – Does it inspire crime?


I couldn’t say for sure, but I can tell you it inspires my fantasies and a few scenes. I remember talking to my Dom one night when he said, “Turn on the TV! You’d like what is going on in Criminal Minds!” So, I did and he was right. 😉 Maybe that makes me a sick, twisted freak. In real life, the story lines would turn my stomach, but in the hands of a person I care about, some otherwise depraved, evil actions become hot. Oops…

However, if the ideas on that show inspire two consenting adults like us, why is it out of the realm of possibility that the storylines would inspire someone who doesn’t care about SSC or RACK (Safe, Sane, and Consensual; Risk Aware Consensual Kink)  to do awful things?

This post comes to you because it is Wednesday night and that means CM! 🙂 My favorite character is Spencer because he is geeky and extremely intelligent. Also, welcome to my brain Dr. Reid… I just wanted to hug him and the poor boy in the episode.

I hear prosecutors grumble about the CSI effect, CSI gives people unrealistic expectations for evidence or worse, gives criminals ideas on how to hide their deeds. Therefore, we know TV can effect real life crime and justice. Do you think Criminal Minds inspires crime?

But I don’t want to think


Do you ever have moments where you just don’t want to think? For example, I have a few different post drafts, but they all require serious consideration. One is “Romantic Notions of Pain”, I don’t want to just spout off my ideas and not adequately explain them. Listing them is easy; however, delving deep into those notions requires analytical thought. Sometimes, like now, I simply don’t feel like expending the effort, even though creating a cohesive thought pattern (as opposed to the jumbled mess in my mind) is supremely important to me.

Does anyone relate? If so, how do you get out of it?

Odd Epiphany of the Day


Perhaps I like the idea of 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) because complete obedience reminds me of a pet and people tend to love their pets unconditionally. (Though, I don’t like puppy or pony play it is too weird for me. Ha, don’t worry, I know I have no room to talk about weird practices!)

Anyway, while watching Denna with almost-broken Richard, a strange thought occurred to me. She is kind, affectionate, caring, and sympathetic once he obeys. Of course, she calls him pet, but her actions also remind me of how people treat their pets. No one hates their pets. People love their pets because they never judge or talk back.

Does that mean I think in order for someone to love me I have to always obey them?

…Actually, that may very well be the origin of my extreme people-pleasing which extends beyond kink and into my everyday life. Or maybe I’m over-thinking everything and I should just enjoy what I enjoy and let it be…

Geez, the more I explore my thought processes behind my kinks, the more disturbing thoughts I uncover.

What do you think about this possible reason behind TPE? Do you think others are similarly motivated? Do you think this idea couldn’t possibly be anyone’s motivation for TPE?

I went to a Catholic Girl’s School and I’m Not Catholic


…but I loved that school I entered the school in 9th grade. At first, I was nervous because the vast majority of students were Catholic, we had to take theology classes, and we had mandatory mass every month. I know this is random, but a girl I went to high school with just posted a link to an article about Catholic girl’s schools and it made me nostalgic!

All my nerves were unfounded. Yes, most girls were Catholic, but our religion almost never came up. Freshman year I invited my best friend to a church lock-in. Her parents knew I was not Catholic and they were okay with that as long as I didn’t belong to a certain non-Judeo-Christian religion, which I did not So, all was well. We prayed every morning during assembly, but no one looked at me oddly for not making the sign of the cross. It was okay if I did not say the prayers along with the others. All anyone expected was for me to be polite during the prayer and not disturb those who prayed. In other words, If I was quiet no one cared.

I was nervous about theology classes, not because I was afraid to be exposed to new belies, but because I figured the others would have a leg up on me and I’d do poorly. Again, this concern was unnecessary! First of all, Theology classes may be a loose term. Freshman year amounted to sex ed, which surprisingly, was not limited to abstinence or heterosexuality. Sophomore year was about the Bible, but the teacher presented outside information. Sure knowledge of the basic stories was helpful, but not needed because the teacher explained the plots while teaching. Junior year was comparative religions. That was interesting! No one had a sure grasp of every religion we studied, so no one had an advantage. Senior year was the best, it was a social justice course It wasn’t so much about Catholic tenants anymore, as it was about what you, individually, believed were moral actions and why. As long as you could articulate your beliefs and support them logically, it did not matter whether you agreed with Catholic teachings or not. It was helpful to me because it forced me to really think about why I believed what I believed.

The first couple of times I was in mass, I was nervous. However, there were procedures for people who were not Catholic Again, the only real expectation was that you did not ruin anyone else’s time. So, when they had communion I could approach the priest if I wanted to, instead of making the sign of the cross I crossed my arms across my chest in an X, like I was doing one of those faith falls where you trust the people behind you to catch you. In that case, the priest would bless me and I’d go back to my seat. After taking communion, people knelt in the pews. I could do this and use the time for my own contemplation, or I could not. No one ever chastised me. In fact, if I felt like it, I could remain in my sea the entire time, neither approaching the priest during communion, nor kneeling.

I’ll always be grateful to my high school! They were uncharacteristically understanding and compassionate. You know those crazy stories of administrators suspending kids for imaginary gun fights? My school was level-headed. At 16 I used the school computers to research Gor and I joined a forum using my school email address because at the time, I was clueless about technology. An administrator on that website contacted my school, even though I lied about my age! I was terrified!! I thought I would get kicked out! Instead the school talked to my parents and asked if they wanted the school to block my internet access until I could use it safely. My parents agreed and it was a reasonable consequence. They were not punishing me, they were keeping me safe!

During junior year, I relapsed with my eating disorder. I barely made it through the 2nd semester before being hospitalized. I was still in treatment during the beginning of my senior year. M school was absolutely wonderful! They worked in concert with my treatment programs to ensure I got all my work. They were understanding about due dates and tests. They did not penalize me for missing half days. For a time, I did half days, starting at going to school once a week for a half-day and then working up from there. I did not reach full time until November! Yet, I graduated on time because my school was so understanding and helpful. I remember more than one girl I was in treatment with did not have helpful schools and some had to repeat grades or fight tooth and nail just to have communication between the treatment center’s tutors and their school. I would not have graduated with my class if my school was not amazing! Plus,, we had a senior year retreat before classes started. I missed it because of treatment and they had a bag of notes made for me. 🙂

Things weren’t perfect but I loved that place. I miss it! If I have daughters and I can afford private school, I will send them there, even though I’m still not Catholic! Sure there was normal teenage behavior, like rumors. Apparently, everyone knew about me. When I got to PHP in my home town, I met a girl from my school who was a year younger and she said she was not surprised to see me there because people talked about me last year. Honestly, with my symptoms and rapid weight loss, it was hard to miss. Gossip is a normal thing for teenage girls.

Yes, I wore a uniform and it was freaking easy! I miss that to! I barely had any clothes during high school because I only wore other clothes on the weekends. It was great to wake up every week day and not have to worry about what I was going to wear or if I’d look stupid or what clothes were clean. It was quick and easy. Going to college, buying a wardrobe, and wearing a new outfit every day was tough! I don’t mean I didn’t  know how to fit in, I mean it was easier to have a uniform! Some people think uniforms are the great equalizer, making it unclear whose parents are wealthy and whose are not. Eh, that is not always true. Our shoes and socks were regulated, but some girls had designer purses or cars for their 16th birthday. Whatever. I still like uniforms! Also, every was relaxed. No one cared about how the looked because there was no one to impress. Almost no one worse make-up. Some girls cared more than I cared and did wear make-up or hair accessories, but no one thought poorly of either choice. The only time I ever wore make-up in high school was for special occasions. It irks my mom now that I continue that habit at 23!

Contrary to popular belief, the nuns at my school were sweet, non-judgmental old ladies who taught a few subjects and lived at the school. I never had a class taught my the nuns, but I never heard a bad word whispered about them ad they always greeted us cheerfully.

I know all girl’s schools have a catty reputation, but there really was not drama! At times people would argue or create drama, but it was rare. Our class was small, 70 girls per grade. If anything, we were very supportive of one another. I’m friends with all of them on Facebook. Last November one girl invited all of us to her house for a get-together. This Christmas season, another girl suggested we all – yes, all – go out clubbing. That is not my idea of fun, but my point is even though I may not be best  friends with all of them, we are friendly. If I was in dire straights, I could ask any one of them for help and they could do the same. Also after hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans school was closed for some time and many of the other Sacred Heart schools in the U.S., including my own, took their girls in until the school was repaired.

Also, one of my teachers volunteered, without my parents even asking, to sit with me at lunch when I first started eating lunch at school again to give me accountability. She was awesome! 🙂

I’m a Daughter of the Sacred Heart and I have the ring to prove it at convents around the world. My family went to Italy and at the Church at the top of the Spanish Steps in Rome is run by Sisters of the Sacred Heart. There is a miraculous painting there. I wanted to see it because I’d heard about it in school, but it was after hours. The painting was located in a school adjacent to the Church and it was closed to the public during the time of day we arrived. I found a nun who spoke English and asked about the painting when she told me it was off limits. I explained where I went to high school and showed her my ring. She got keys, unlocked the building and led me to the painting! ❤ According to the Wikipedia page I looked up for the correct name of the Spanish Steps, it is no longer run by the Sacred Heart, but in 2008 (after the Wikipedia page claims it was turned over to others) the Sisters of the Sacred Heart were still there and in charge.

I was wrong; it isn’t the end of the world


irefly_KayleeOMG1

Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

Now is the Time to PANIC!


Fraking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to check my exam software though, hence I am online. I decided not to use it. I ran into a really sweet janitor. She said, “Good luck!” I said, “Thanks! I’ll need it!”

She replied, “Come here sweetie.” and she gave me a hug. 🙂 Then she said, “It will be okay! You have to be positive.” I replied, “I’ll try.” Anyway, she was kind! I’ve run into her before. Once I was waiting outside a professor’s office and she was cleaning near me. I asked if she needed me to move so she could get to my spot. Apparently, it is unnecessary to get out of the way for janitors in this building. So, maybe she recognized me. I doubt it because that was a month ago. She said I was “dragging”. Haha, I don’t feel too tired! I know I got less than 6 hours of sleep because I couldn’t sleep. At least, I didn’t try to read The Sword of Truth. I was extremely good and only read 2 short chapters before trying to sleep, then I tossed and turned all night. Right now, I am nervous, but not extremely anxious because I don’t expect to do well. I’ll try my best with what I have, but at this point…what will be, will be! Plus, everyone in my family, other than  my dad, assures me I’m still loved, no matter what. I’ll deal with the self-concept fallout later. Right now, I’m going to focus on cramming for an hour.

That Bisexual BDSM chick…not so fast


No self-harm urges right now! I’m feeling wonderful. I wish I could freeze time and give myself more hours to study, but c’est la vie.

I had a wonderful, uplifting conversation with the woman who runs this hilarious blog! Conclusion? I’m 95% sure I’m bisexual and that is fricking okay! 🙂 She shared this awesome The West Wing clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1-ip47WYWc

I need to let myself explore. It isn’t wrong.

I’m not coming out anytime soon offline. The day after we had that awkward conversation about BDSM, my mom told me homosexuality would be a lot worse and she was glad my problem was BDSM, not homosexuality.

Cara rolling eyes

Plus, my family didn’t react kindly when my uncle came out. My grandpa wanted to disinherit him and they didn’t speak for years. I know my mom thinks it is wrong. At least, everyone is on speaking terms now.

Since my family is not accepting and exams are looming, it may seem weird that I feel happy. However, I had some realizations during my conversation with Deej and I’m one step closer to accepting part of my sexuality. That is a wonderful thing! Now if only I could hold on to this good feeling tomorrow morning.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia


Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I am most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended 😉

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

  I'm trying to get rid of that feeling

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. 😡

I hate myself and I hate the things I do

On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

The 6 Stages of Final Exams As Told by Harry Potter


This post is similar to my stages of procrastination post. (To see them, scroll all the way down to the girl, River Tam, holding a gun.) They are in the first paragraph under that picture.

The reblogged post is horrifyingly accurate, yet funny! My version? Not so funny, more whiney. :p

I’m currently procrastinating for law school exam. The first one is on Tuesday. I’ve passed through all these stages and I’m on apathy. Although, knowing me, tomorrow I’ll revert to cramming!

As Told by Laura

1. Denial

Finals? Hahahahaha! Please. I’ve still got an entire week left. Do you have any idea what I can accomplish in that short amount of time? Seriously, there’s nothing to worry about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go paint my nails like little zebras.

2. Anger

Okay, it’s not like I’m mad about finals or anything, but seriously? A comprehensive test? How unfair is that?! And it’s worth, like, 96 percent of my grade. I’m too mad to study. School is so stupid. No, everything is stupid. LET’S START A REVOLUTION!

3. Procrastination

I’m just gonna’ go over to Tiffany’s for a quick study session. I always do my best work in groups. Oh, and Jennifer, Michael and Josh will be there too, but we’re definitely gonna’ get stuff done. Definitely…

4. Cramming

Okayokayokay. Two hours left until the test. I have four Redbulls in the fridge…

View original post 71 more words

2 TedTalks: Mental Illness in Law School and Mental Illness is Feeling Deeply


1. Glennon Doyle Melton (TedTalks) agrees, many people with mental illness feel deeply! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY

Some of the quotes that resonated with me:

“People think of us addicts as insensitive liars, but we don’t start out that way. We start out as extremely sensitive truth-tellers. We feel so much pain and so much love and we sense that the world does want us to feel that much and doesn’t want us to need as much comfort as we need. So, we start pretending. We try to pretend that we’re the people we’re supposed to be. We numb and we hide and we pretend and that pretending does eventually turn into a life of lies. To be fair, we thought we were supposed to lie. They tell us since we’re little, the only appropriate answer is, ‘Fine, and you?'”

This is SO SO true! Yes, that is right, so true, it requires a repeated word!

“So, in private with the food or the booze…we tell the truth. We say, ‘Actually, I’m not fine.’ Because we don’t feel safe telling the truth in the real world, we make our own little world: addiction.”
“I did not want to deal with the discomfort and messiness of being a human being.”

YES! Unfeeling, strong Mord-Sith all the way! Remember these Illyria from Angel GIFs? Angel_humanity Angel_weak

“And in the mental hospital, for the first time in my life, I found myself in a world that made sense to me…and we had to learn about ancient Rome when all we really wanted to learn was how to make and keep a real friend. But in the mental hospital there was no pretending. The jig was up…Everybody was worthy just because she existed and so in there we were brave enough to take off our capes of [addiction]…In there, people wore their scars on the outside so you knew where they stood and they told the truth.”

I think this is why people tend to form endurable bonds in treatment. We tell the other patients thoughts or past events we would never reveal to our closest friends and loved ones on the outside. We are open and honest in a way we have not experienced. Furthermore, we understand where the others are coming from. We understand them on a level that non-mentally ill people cannot. We accept each other unconditionally.

2. Elyn Saks: A Tale of Mental Illness – from the inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6CILJA110Y

She had her first schizophrenic break in law school! She was involuntarily hospitalized, but she gained control and went back. It was her first year; I don’t know if it was her first or second semester. Either way, Yale law school was nice enough to give her medical leave. I’m not bitter at all! 😉 Anyway, with schizophrenia she completed law school at the top of her class and now she is a professor at the University of Southern California Gould Law School. It is a well respected law school, ranked 18th in the country!! Her story gave me hope one night when I was dealing with suicidal urges.

*updated Dec. 9 youtube clip* Alive, but Sad, Angry, and Afraid


I’m safe. I didn’t even self-harm, which was a minor miracle. I have a half hour until my meds kick in, then I’ll work. …No, really, I will! *laughs bitterly*

I’m already on the verge of tears. My first words this morning were a lie. “Are you ok emotionally?” Me: “Yes. I’m good.” *smiles* I’m not a half bad actor, maybe I should go to L.A. 😉

If I worked 18 hours today, I could still listen to all my Contracts recordings. Ahahahaha. That is not going to happen. Even though I skip class all the time and avoid all social things, I have one amazing acquaintance/friend. She always texts me when I miss and asks if I’m okay. She encourages me. I told her about the depression and I was nervous. Her reaction was great! She was so understanding and kind! I’m considering asking for her outline. She might give it to me, after all, I am far from a threat in the curve.

I can’t decide if I should try to power through it all for hours on end or if I should try to learn specific sections in detail. That is if I even work today. 😦

I hate that my school doesn’t give medical leave to 1st semester students. My only options are voluntarily withdrawing before I take the exams or attempting to pass and let the chips fall where they may. If I pass, yay! Let’s attempt a second semester. If I fail, I’m out, but I can reapply in 1 year to another law school or 2 years to my law school. For some reason the thought of re-starting the semester is not that bad, but the thought of going through the entire admissions process again is daunting. I doubt I’d do it. However, even if I voluntarily withdraw, I have to reapply. The odds are not in my favor.

Last night I thought about other life options: Wal-Mart cashier again, psychology masters or PhD, ultrasound technician, Costco cashier (they pay more, but I’m certain Wal-Mart would re-hire me), or something I haven’t thought of yet. It isn’t the end of my life, unless I make it so. At least if I’m alive I still have hope of becoming a better person. If I’m dead, I’ll probably be tortured for all time, not a pleasant idea.

At the same time, most of what little self-worth I have comes from academia. If I fail this will shatter my fragile self-concept. Nothing worthwhile will be left. Technically I can “blame” depression; there was a point in the semester where my psychiatrist was evaluating daily whether to hospitalize me. It was a serious relapse. However, I *let* it happen.

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses Angel_I'm better than that

The right thing to do is try as best as I can, but at this point, it feels hopeless. I keep thinking, “Why even bother? You won’t pass.”

Also, I feel sad because I know my dad will be disappointed. He said he was afraid I’d let my fear of failure overwhelm me and I’d settle for mediocrity. My mom and brother each reassured me they’d still love me, even if I flunk out, but not him. 😦

I’m sorry I’m repetitive, but right now my life is repetitive: wake-up, feel guilty, think I should study, avoid studying at all costs, feel more guilt, gratefully go to bed, promise tomorrow will be different.

Lately I’ve thought maybe my ideas of slavery are escapist. I think of it like Denna, a slave in her own way as Mord-Sith, thinks of it.

Denna: “I think you’ll find it quite liberating wizard. For so long, you’ve been burdened with all the world’s concerns. Once you’re broken, you’ll have only one: pleasing me.”

Clip at http://youtu.be/JUYNJPfs5vs

I don’t have the fate of the world on my shoulders. Except, I sort of do, in that I have great expectations of helping others and if I don’t succeed I feel worthless. Of course, it is self-imposed. However, if I was a sadist’s slave, my life would at least be devoted to helping and pleasing one person. That is worth something, right? In addition, as Denna said, I’d only have one concern. I would have focus; I would have a purpose. Since my Master would be a sadist, I would be tortured and as you know, I deserve punishment. *sigh* I am well aware that this line of thinking is fraking insane. 😦

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM


Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

Crazy Really Means Feeling Deeply


She’s always been Suzanne in my mind. The way I use ‘crazy’ is
she’s crazy-good, crazy-fun, crazy-fun-to-play, for sure. But she’s
definitely been ‘Suzanne’ to me because I didn’t want to get trapped in
the one layer of just playing ‘crazy.’ When I was approaching the
material, I thought of her as somebody who just feels deeply. This is
someone who loves passionately. Every side of her life is a ’10.’ She
gets mad at a 10, she loves at a 10 and she’s gonna pee at a 10. That’s
how I approach Suzanne,” Aduba said. (via idigitaltimes, “Orange is the New Blacks Season 2 Spoilers”)

🙂 I like this conceptualization of crazy. In some ways I think it is spot on! I think many people with mental illness, especially mood disorders and other disorders like eating disorders, are unusually sensitive. We feel deeply. We may scare easier than others, we may feel lonely a lot, but when we love, we love passionately. In fact, emotions being too strong is why anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar, etc. are a problem! The emotions are normal, but their strength is too much to handle. Therefore, we act “crazy”. We feel so sad that we want to sleep all day or we are so terrified of whatever that we can only cope through self-harm.

…Still not working. 😡 On the bright side, lunch wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t hungry or interested in food at all when it was ready, but I ate without complaint. I feel full, but not sick-full. Sick-full is like that feeling you get after a large Thanksgiving meal, you’re overstuffed, you think you couldn’t possibly eat another morsel for a month, and you feel ill. When I’ve been restricting for a while, normal meals start to create that feeling, which is a problem since I’m living at home again.

I hope by the time I publish this (It was saved as a Draft for a few hours), I am diligently working!

can do it

Also, I forgot to show you …because I have so many people who care, comment, and read this blog 😉 … the shirt I’m wearing today! I wore it hoping it would inspire me to concentrate on studying. So far, no dice.

Photo_00009

Green-eyed Law Students: Interviews, Self-esteem, and Hope


Every time someone in the Sword of Truth mentions Kahlan’s green eyes, I feel a swell of pride and confidence. It makes me feel pretty!

“The intelligence, the nobility, the life in those green eyes was riveting. This was a woman the equal of Richard” Nicci (aka my mind twin!) spellbound by Kahlan’s green eyes in Confessor, by Terry Goodkind.

I know that is silly, but I think it is because I usually find blue eyes the prettiest. Plus, authors often focus on the beauty of blue eyes. It seems most characters have blue or brown eyes. Therefore, Terry Goodkind focusing on the image of her green eyes makes me feel good. In fact, my iris color is one of the only aspects I like about myself physically.

Bridget Regan’s Fricking Gorgeous BLUE eyes:

How can someone be so gorgeous?!? *cries jealous tears*

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/338614465704430659/

My Green eyes:

Photo_00011

While searching for a good book quote about Kahlan’s eyes I came across an interview with Bridget Regan. I’m falling in love. 😉 which reminds me, there used to be a fandom trend called Gay for Kahlan. The author hasn’t posted on that website in a while, but she is still active on Twitter and Tumblr!

Anyway, the interview from http://www.sword-of-truth.com/?page=24 via The TV Chick. The questions are quotes to, I’m just too lazy to correctly use ‘ and ” throughout.

What originally attracted you to the show?

“Well, it was the role. The character of Kahlan was not like any part I had ever auditioned for or played. So, I was immediately drawn to it. I thought that she was really tough and kind of timeless, epic and theatrical which I really was drawn to. I went to a drama school and I grew up doing theater, so I quite liked that the show was kind of heightened and it wasn’t the sort of low energy, common chit-chat show, it was big and epic and exciting and high stakes and all that which I loved.”

This is why I love epic fantasies like Legend of the Seeker/ The Sword of Truth, Lord of the Rings, and The Wheel of Time; the scale is grand and everything is high stakes!

Are you a fan of fantasy?

“I wasn’t at all, actually. (laughs) It was pretty embarrassing when I moved to New Zealand, because the fact that I hadn’t seen Lord Of The Rings, I thought that they were going to turn me around and not let me into the country. But, once I got into [it], I really enjoyed it. The fans are really passionate, and have really strong opinions about things, which I like. You know, we had a fan base before we even started filming the show, which was so cool and bizarre. People had thoughts and feelings about what color my hair should be and my eyes and that was totally new to me.”

Yes, yes we are all a bit cult-ish and kind of amazing, aren’t we? :p In case you can’t tell, I love my geekiness.

Have you read the books or met the author?

“I have not met Terry Goodkind. You know, my parents have because they went to Comic Con in San Diego. That’s where I grew up. I’ve read some of the books. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but I’ve been skipping around. The series isn’t really following the books perfectly, and so you know, I find them really helpful. But sometimes I find it frustrating, because I’ll read something and I’ll be like ugh I really wish we would do this in the show. Or there’s an episode coming up — the one I’m going back to film right after I leave the states — is totally an escape from the book and nothing like that’s happened in it, and I’m so excited to do it because Kahlan gets split into two different bodies…almost like a yin and a yang sort of thing. One of her is the confessor in her, you know, [is] magical, has the powers and everything. And the other is just a woman. And without having both of them in check, things kind of go crazy and it’s such a cool episode for me, and I’m so excited to do it, but it’s not in the book, so you know I’m kind of thankful that we do stray because we get so many cool other opportunities.”

Haha, her parents went to Comic Con! How awesome is that? Plus, I’m jealous of them; I want to meet him!! I love that she read the books. I agree there are some things from the books I wish happened in the TV show (and vice versa!). For example, Cara’s trial from the TV show was neat. Also, the episode she talks about is amazing! (Torn, Season 2, Episode 11)

You were saying before how Kahlan is such a tough character. What does it mean to do you to play her? Do you think it sends a powerful message to women?

“I actually do. This season even more than last, because this season, we introduce a lot of other characters as well. It’s not just me, there are a lot of really kick-butt chicks. The light, the dark and all the mord-siths and everything. But I have a hard time playing the weak ingenue. I wouldn’t get cast as that when I first moved to the city. And I don’t even know, maybe it was because I’m pretty tall and I’m not a tiny little thing. And I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I love it when Kahlan gets to be really strong. I had a dream actually — it’s funny — I haven’t told this to anybody. I had this dream where we were doing a scene and it was a massive, big, war/fight scene. And we were fighting — Kahlan and Richard were fighting all these mord-siths, and we had these resistance fighters who were these scrappy guys. And I was all upset because they cast all these big massive guys to be the D’Harans and all these kind of small, hungry looking guys who were all weak and disheveled to be the resistance guys. None of this really happened in real life, but I dreamt it. So we’re fighting all the mord-siths, and the choreography was that we were supposed to lose. And I was supposed to get beaten, and we were supposed to get captured. And I changed the choreography, confessing all these mord-siths, making them fight with us so that we would win. (laughs) So I was refusing to lose.”

Hmm, this explains why I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than Kahlan in the books. That said, I’m re-reading the books and I think I need to give her more credit. As I re-read the books, I realize she is strong. I may be biased because I saw Legend of the Seeker before reading the books, but Bridget Regan is exactly how I imagine Kahlan. I used to think Bridget’s version was tougher, but now I think she exemplifies Goodkind’s Kahlan perfectly. She brings a spark to the character. I think it is her acting ability and the power of visual media, not a difference in the character’s strength. In other words, bringing the character to life onscreen made her strength more clear; it was not a change in portrayal. Terry Goodkind’s Kahlan is just as strong.

Well, maybe we will see it in a future episode!

“I know! I actually told one of our directors, and he laughed at me. Because in the dream I was looking over to him being like “look see, I got her, she’s on our side now!” Because once I confess someone, then they immediately change, and they’ll do anything to defend my life. So I was totally cheating.”

Ahahahahahahahaha. For someone who isn’t into fantasy, I love how she got so into the character, even dreaming about the plot. 🙂

Is there anything specific you do to get into character or does it just sort of happen when you put on the costume and makeup?

“It’s amazing. I’ve never played a character this long before. But when I put on the dress and the corset, I immediately feel different. It’s not like throwing on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Everything about the costumes are really authentic. There’s no zippers, or buttons or hooks or anything. So to get in that dress it takes twenty minutes of just lacing. And it’s kind of like a ritual in the morning. And that helps. I often go back and read Wizard’s First Rule. I have it in my trailer, my old beat up copy. I have little parts marked. And I really love the sections when it’s in — because the book changes narrative — sometimes it’s in Richard’s head, sometimes it’s in Kahlan’s. I love it when it goes into hers, because it’s like a little cheat sheet, you get to get some ideas. So those sort of things. I listen to a lot of music as well. I have a lot of playlists on my iPod that I bring on set to get me in the mood.”

Yes, her costumes are wonderful! They are intricate and great! Her white Mother Confessor’s dress was the first cosplay I considered! It is cool how simply taking the time to get into costume helps put her in character. It kind of reminds me of wearing a collar. Of course, collars can be practical as a restraint, but mostly I enjoy them because they set the mood. They remind me of my place; they’re like big strong arms, enveloping me in a secure, comforting hug. …around my neck :p I love how she took cues from the book sections in Kahlan’s point of view.

What’s your favorite song that you listen to?

“Oh my God. I really want to do an iTunes playlist! I talked to some people about that. You know it’s actually kind of dark, sad music. It’s a lot of Radiohead, and some White Stripes, too. I like the kind of aggressive, kick ass…sometimes you need that empowering sort of stuff. You know, Kahlan went through a lot of stuff last season…really, really heavy things. And so it was a lot of sad music.”

Oh my God!!! She listens to Radiohead!!!!! 😀 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Well, that makes sense. And what has been your favorite part of filming so far?

“I think — I have to say, it’s really simple. But I love acting every day. It’s so simple, but that’s always what I dreamed of doing, was being an actor, since I was a little kid. And the fact that I get to wake up every morning, and do that, when I have so many friends that are really talented and are living here in New York and in LA and they can’t seem to get that break where they get to do it, so I mean that’s a joy. And playing a part that I love as much as I do is pretty cool — pretty awesome.”

I don’t know her friends, but maybe she got her break because she is better, in other words, freaking epic!

And you were talking about last season being pretty serious. But have there been any funny moments on set?

“Oh my God, there’s lots. I actually was talking about this with Craig just a little while ago. We always want to cut up and play jokes and things like that, but we’re so pressed for time. Because we’re trying to do feature film quality special effects, on a really fast television turnaround schedule. So constantly I want to make him break and do something silly, but we feel like we have to reign it in. But a lot of the girls in wardrobe love to play pranks on Bruce Spence, and I sometimes try to get in on them. But one day, they were all waiting in Bruce’s trailer, wearing pajamas, watching “Dirty Dancing” and eating popcorn. (laughs) And he walked in and thought he was in the wrong room.”

Haha, this is hilarious! They sound like a fun, tight-knit group. I wish LotS could have reigned for years. 😦 I MISS IT!! I have an idea though, if someone amazing network decided to bring it back, they could open with an episode like Home (Season 1, Episode 12) where Richard is tangled in a spell cast by Darken Rhal and he reveals parts of their journey so far, almost including a big secret: The location of the last Box of Orden. Clearly, I would want them to employ Bridget Regan Craig Horner, Tabrett Bethell, and Bruce Spence!

Do all of the cast hang out during your downtime?

“We do. It’s actually such a small town, even if I’m not planning to see Craig [Horner], I run into him all the time. Because we live really, really close to each other. But we do hang out. We get brunches here and there. Bruce and I go to see plays when they come into town. We went and saw this Italian play together with our significant others. We hang out, we do. We have a great time together. It’s like we work really hard, and the crew is really terrific. And honestly all of my friends down at that end of the world are friends from work. The girl that was my dresser, she finally took her maternity leave, and she’s having her baby I think right now. I just got an e-mail that she was in contractions. They’re all my dearest friends down there, all people from work, and they’re gorgeous people who have a real down-to-earth outdoorsy sort of feel to them. They all like to rough it, because we do, we schlep up these mountains to work and they all are really good sports.”

Adorable! I wonder if she is still in contact with any of the cast or crew. I hope so! It would be sad to make such connections and then lose them because the show got cancelled. I suppose that would be no different than going away to college and inevitably losing closeness to high school friends, but it is still sad. I love that they’re really outdoorsy people! I think it is interesting that a lot of geeky people love camping and hiking. *raises hand* I don’t know why, but I noticed a trend. Perhaps it is because our epic fantasies are set in such gorgeous surroundings that we’re pulled from our gaming systems and out into the real world.

You were saying how there has been fan reaction to the show since before it started shooting. What has been the fan reaction to your character and the show? How was your reception at Comic Con?

“Oh, I didn’t go to Comic Con. I did Armageddon, in Auckland, which is kind of like their version of Comic Con. But every time I come home, there’s just all this beautiful letters from fans and things like that. The best compliment that I get is when people say to me ‘You’re how I envisioned Kahlan,’ or ‘How you played her is just how like how I pictured her,’ things like that is just like wow. That’s amazing to me, because for one person to read something and another person, and then my interpretation — for me to bring it to life, that’s really bizarre and has kind of a cosmic-y, spooky kind of feel, because in your mind — when you read something, you get your own picture. And for someone to write to me and go ‘now when I read the books I picture you,’ it’s like wow, that’s so cool.”

😀 That is what I said!!

And can you give a little teaser, without spoiling too much of what’s coming up in season two?

“Hmm…well honestly I don’t really know too much further than a few episodes ahead of us. Because Ken Biller, he keeps a lot of it under wraps, he won’t let us know all the time. I think he changes it often, because I think he’s just got so many ideas. We do have a lot — we’ve had so many good guests from the states, like we have Charisma Carpenter in the first episode, and then we have Jolene Blaylock coming up from “Star Trek,” Amy Teegarden from “Friday Night Lights,” Gabriel Mann from “Mad Men.” I mean, some really great talent has come down to have a little play with us. But, it’s going crazy. I will tell you that on Tuesday, when I go back to work, I have a love scene, a sex scene, and I’m nervous…another one! This season’s been really racy, I can’t believe it, it’s really sexy and cool. I think it’s also Tabrett — because Tabrett’s new, she has some really hot, steamy scenes.”

Season 1 was great, season 2 was amazingly wonderful and spectacular! Cordelia Chase was a bonus!  Lol, there were hot steamy scenes in abundance!

And I’m sure it’s too early to know, but has there been any word on a possible season three?

“Everybody talks about it. It’s so funny, the second you finally hear you’re doing two, it’s like is there going to be three? I don’t know. The show has been sold in something like 130 some countries, so we’re doing pretty well in terms of interest all around the world, which I can imagine is quite a good sign of the studio wanting to continue. I don’t know, I think it’s just a matter of people tuning in. I know that it is hard for us, because I think a lot of our air times are up against a lot of sports and things like that. And I know a lot of people watch our show on Hulu and iTunes, and things like that, which don’t really count for our ratings on TV. I mean, I don’t really understand all this stuff that much but I do know there’s a lot of factors that go into it, other than us just having a good time. But I kind of hope we go to a third. I’m really enjoying my life down there, but you know it’s one of those things where sometimes it seems like it’s going by really slow, and then you go Oh my God, we’re halfway through the season, where’d this year go? Then it goes by really fast.”

😦 COME BACK TO ME! Alas, all I can realistically hold my breath for is Terry Goodkind’s newest Richard and Kahlan book.

I know you were saying you weren’t really a fan: of fantasy before you started this project. So what would you tell viewers who might not watch a lot of fantasy — why should they tune into this show?

“Well what drew me to it was, I guess you could say, the romance: the relationship of Richard and Kahlan. I mean, to me it’s like Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of forbidden love thing. And I really think that’s part of the show, more than sort of magic and wizards and things like that. Maybe to some people it could be distracting, but I really find it to be kind of like, just an escapism sort of thing, where you get to go home, and forget about your day, and just kind of go into this other world — literally. It’s not reality.”

Aw, yes, Kahlan and Richard (and Cara ;P) forever! I love the dynamic between Richard and Kahlan. She is a strong, knowledgeable, opinionated woman, but she is clearly submissive to Richard. The problem is in real life, I need someone I could trust! I don’t have the Seeker of Truth!!! I think Fantasy is the best escapism genre. It is like taking a vacation without leaving home. I like magic; I’ve always had a fascination with the occult. In 8th grade I printed out over 300 pages of spells from the internet and created my own Book of Shadows, it “mysteriously” disappeared one day. However, often authors use it as a catalyst for heroism.

What other projects do you have coming up?

“I did a film in between the two seasons called The Best and The Brightest, and it’s with Neil Patrick Harris, and Amy Sedaris and Christopher McDonald, and Bonnie Somerville. It’s a really fun, great movie. I’m actually going to do ADR for it this afternoon, and I haven’t seen it yet so I’m really excited. That will be coming out sometime in 2010.”

After catching Legend of the Seeker, post-syndication sadly (not that my one view would make a cancellation difference), on Netflix, I looked for other things Bridget Regan was in. I saw The Best and The Brightest. It is hilarious! She is currently in White collar on USA. I’m going to check it out (after exams!) purely because she is in it.

What’s it like filming in New Zealand?

“Every scene that we do that’s outside, it’s all on location all over Auckland, and we’ve gone to the South Island a few times to shoot there as well. It’s really remarkable. It can be energizing as well, you know on a Wednesday in the middle of the week when you’re really tired. And I go to work in the dark usually, around four thirty. And then I come out of the makeup bus, with all the makeup on and everything, and there’s the most insane sunrise you’ve ever seen. And it’s pretty beautiful. I notice the air being so different, as soon I got off the plane in Los Angeles. I take one breath in, and I’m like wow, that did not smell nearly as fresh as it does down at that end of the world. But it’s remarkably beautiful.”

O.O The air smells fresh! 🙂 It sounds divine. The scenery is spectacular, just like in Lord of the Rings. New Zealand is one of the top 3 countries I want to visit before I die.

I did not intend to quote the entire interview! Well, technically, I did not quote the whole thing. I left out one or two questions.

~ ~ ~

Even though I have 0 views today and so I should probably post twice, I’m off to study. I hope, for the whole day. :/ Thanks to my abysmal procrastination, to review all my lecture recordings, I’ll have to study at least 12 hours per day until Tuesday! Somehow I doubt that will occur. There is still hope. It is only 11:30 am. Twelve hours only puts me at 11:30 pm. However, it is the weekend; as a result, my mom will expect me to eat lunch and dinner. Boo weekends! BOO food! I know I need glucose and protein to adequately study, but it just takes time. I still have some Ensure, but somehow I doubt my mom will accept it as a meal replacement. Plus, by the time I publish this it will be well past 11:30 am because I have to go search for a proper picture.

Despite this stress, I am in a good mood so far. I’m not sure why. I took the medication I’ve been skipping for weeks last night. Also, I took all my meds this morning. I accidentally forgot them the other day. Furthermore, I got 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual insomniac 5 hours. Also, I showered, yay Activities of Daily Living! When I’m anxious or my depression is bad or I’m just busy, they suffer. All these things could contribute. Or who knows, maybe I’m happy because I know no matter the outcome, the first (maybe only) semester of 1L hell will be over!

That reminds me, I had a dream I worked at Wal-Mart again. Geez, you know things are bad when you fondly dream of working at an entry-level job at Wal-Mart!

Preposterously Manly Fantasy Series!


http://io9.com/5977682/11-preposterously-manly-fantasy-series

I wonder if it says something about me that my 3 favorite fantasy book series are on a list of 11 “preposterously manly fantasies”?

“What makes a book series manly? Is it the action? The violence? The lack of female characters? Is it male wish-fulfillment? Misogyny? Or a combination of all these things?

I don’t know the answer for sure, but I do know that these 11 fantasy series are all in their own unique way, very, very manly. This is not necessarily a good thing… but neither is it necessarily bad. Just grab your axe and your favorite loin cloth while we journey to the manliest realms fantasy fiction has to offer.”

Since most of my fantasy writing is similar, does that mean I write in a manly fashion? Or does it mean I give men more power or time than women? I don’t know what writing in a manly way really means. I don’t believe I give men more power or story time than women. Even though, I enjoy submission in my personal life, I do not admire or like weak women. Submission does not equal powerless or weak. Furthermore, while some of my conceptions about gender roles may be considered archaic, I do not believe it is a woman’s place to submit to her husband. It is my place to submit to my partner. I do not believe a woman is obligated to submit either because of her nature or because any deity said she must. I think anyone, male or female, should have the right to submit to their partner.

Besides, unless I’m purposefully writing erotica, I don’t think any of that enters my writing. What else could it mean?

3rd on its list, the article says, “…wizard makes Richard Cypher a Seeker of Truth, he gets a Sword of Truth, he fights the evil tyrant Darken Rahl, who [spoiler] ends up being Richard’s dad. And then he fights some other folk. Along the way he falls in love with Kahlen, who isn’t awful or evil, but does end up a damsel in distress approximately 18 bazillion times over the course of the series. It’s traditionally manly!” about the Sword of Truth.

True… I decided I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than the book’s portrayal. In the books, she gets upset too often. Granted, I’ve never been in love and I’ve never faced the adversities she faced, but compared to every other book character (who faced similar events!) she seems emotionally weak. She is strong in some ways, she is the ruler of multiple nations and when she puts her mind to something, she is unrelenting. In LotS she seems more well-rounded.

Talking about the Wheel of Time, “The women have just as much power and political agency as the men – perhaps moreso, since women rule most of the main kingdoms, cultures and magical societies in the series. Unfortunately, this means while the women are constantly screwing around with politics, the men are the ones generally busy saving the world. This would be less grievous if the women in The Wheel of Time weren’t generally only bearable when they’re sleeping with the male characters. The rest of the time they’re scheming on a macro level or tormenting men with insults and general bitchiness on the micro, so that the male characters spend most of their time thinking about how awful women are, if not being outright befuddled by their insanity. Oh, and the main character, Rand Al’Thor, gets to have sex with three separate women, all of whom are just totally okay with sharing him. Aggravatingly manly!”

Hahaha, I never noticed anyone being unbearable. I did not see scheming as unbearable; I saw it as intelligent. Also, in part, politics drives countries’ decisions. Therefore, the women are orchestrating how the men must act. For example, if all the Wise Ones decided to stay in the Waste, Rand would never have a chance to command the clans.

Speaking about Lord of the Rings it says, “You could drop all the female characters from the books and lose probably less than 50 pages. In fact, there are only three female characters of note: 1) Arwen, who is Aragorn’s mostly off-page love interest, 2) Galadriel, who is the mightiest of all the Elves (according to Tolkien) but who really doesn’t do anything other than giving each member of the Fellowship a pep talk and lembas bread, and 3) Eowyn, who actually does kick some Nazgul ass, although she has to disguise herself as a man to get the opportunity. There’s a reason Peter Jackson increased the roles of all three female characters in the movies. And that reason? An overabundance of manliness!”

*nods* I have no rebuttal here. Eowyn is the best of the three!

BDSM Stigma or When family recommends sex therapy


Last night my mom was still harping about the online dating idea. She would not accept my excuses. Finally, I said I was not in a place to date. She wouldn’t let it go So, I told her I needed to figure out some things about myself. The first thing she asked was, “Are you gay?”

I said, “No.”

Her response? “Are you sure?” Hahaha. I did not mention is bi issue because I know she thinks non-heterosexual behavior is morally wrong. Sometimes she talks about how she is worried about my gay uncles’ souls (her brother and his partner).

However, she still wouldn’t give up, saying, “Now I’m worried.”

Since I give her plenty of other reasons to worry. I gave-in and said, “Do you remember the BDSM thing? …” Thankfully, I did not have to explain it to her. However, it was awkward. Her reaction hurt my feelings, but  it could have been a lot worse.

Last night I learned:

1. My mom does not think BDSM in inherently wrong.

Yay!

2. She associates sadism and masochism with antisocial personality disorder (aka sociopaths).

First, she questioned out loud whether I was a sociopath. She didn’t really consider it. After all, she has known me forever and knows, if anything, I have too much empathy. However the idea that she would even consider for a moment, that I lack empathy, along with all the other implications of anti-social personality disorder, because I identify as a masochist or submissive saddens me. If the woman with a PhD in clinical psychology, who has known me longer than anyone on Earth, associates BDSM with antisocial personality disorder and other stigma, so strongly that she reconsiders my personality make-up, how can I expect anyone to accept this? Granted, I don’t go around talking about this IRL. However, knowing there is a huge part of me that I can never reveal to others for fear of reprisal also makes me sad.

Also if she thinks so poorly of sadists, what can she possibly think of me?

3. She thinks masochism will kill me.

She told me a story of a man in our town who was convicted for something (obstruction of justice? involuntary manslaughter? I don’t know), after his wife died during breath play and he burned the house down to try to cover it up. I don’t know if this is the same couple my previous Dom warned me about. He never mentioned a fire to hide evidence. He said they were too afraid to go to the E.R. because of stigma and she died. It sounds like a different couple. Regardless, I don’t feel too bad for the guy, setting his house on fire was a stupid move that made him look guilty of murder. My mom associates sadomasochism with accidental death and sociopaths. She says sadism is a symptom of antisocial personality disorder and there are more “messed up” people in this community than in the general population. Therefore, she thinks either I will die in an accident, or I will meet up with a serial killer or abuser. I told her I am not an idiot I know to meet people in public places and tell someone who I am meeting and where. She replied, “Great, so we know where to start looking for your body. That is comforting.” Also, she seems to forget that I’m not exactly the picture of mental health. If I don’t want someone who is “messed up”, why would anyone want me?! As far as accidents, yes sadomasochism can be dangerous, but well-informed people can take precautions.

4. She doesn’t seem to understand that sadism does not equal masochism.

Damn you Freud! There are masochists without any sadistic tendencies.

5. She thinks it is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.

I’m not sure about this. I did a few hours of research and it seems man masochists do not know of their proclivities until young adulthood. Where the hell did 5 year old me learn such things?! Since it began so young for me, I tend to think it is inborn. I asked why she thought it needed therapy, if she thought there was nothing wrong with it. She explained her fears about the difficulty of finding a kind, mentally healthy life partner.

Since she believes finding a good husband would be more difficult in the BDSM world and BDSM is prone to accidental death, she thinks if I can chose not to be another way, I should because BDSM invites trouble. She suggested vanilla dating and then more therapy if I find vanilla is not for me.

6. She believes I have an abnormally high pain threshold. Therefore, it makes sense to her that “normal” sensation may not appeal to me.

Yes, I agree.

7. She thinks I should date 24+ vanilla men and see if I am capable of non-kinky arousal.

She thinks I have not had a enough vanilla experience to know that I’m really not aroused by vanilla things. She is correct, most of my experience has been kinky. It still seems dishonest to get into a relationship purely to explore. She thinks I need to try becoming emotionally attached to vanilla dates and see if physical intimacy has a spark when I care about someone. I see her point here. Yet, it seems like a lot of work. She pointed out that people break-up all the time, just because I may break-up with someone because of this doesn’t make it unfair to them. Essentially, she suggests the opposite of my commenters suggest, instead of exploring more kink, she thinks I should try to ignore it and explore vanilla. I’m not sure why, but her idea gives me a negative feeling, while the opposite does not.

She insists she sees nothing wrong with BDSM on its face, but she also thinks I should get therapy to fix this if I try more vanilla things and nothing works.

Alone? Want a new mom for the Holidays?


I’m a little late, considering Hanukkah is over tonight. This is a heart-warming project geared toward LGBTQ people without family for the holidays,

http://www.yourholidaymom.com/

“Hello Dear Friends And Supporters!

This season, supportive moms (and dads, sisters, brothers, grandparents and friends too!) have gathered to send a holiday message to all LGBTQ children, teens and adults who are without family support and who would like a “stand-in Holiday family.” Knowing that not every parent is ready to accept her own LGBTQ child exactly as-is (as hard as this is for us to imagine), we have written to extend our love beyond that of our own family.

We are not celebrities. We are everyday friends and family from everyday homes. Many, but not all, have LGBTQ  children of our own (hence, some use full names and photos, and some do not). Many, but not all, are straight. In other words, even our writers here represent diversity. The vast majority of us came together because they heard about the project in our 2012 season, and many have never met me or each other. The common bond we share is that we are so full of love and pride for our own children–LGBTQ and straight–we wanted to extend ourselves beyond our own families and do something more.”

Online Dating and Law School


Haha, my mom mentioned online dating today. I told her I had nothing against online dating. In fact, I’d already done it. However, I do not have the time to date right now, maybe I’ll consider it if next semester goes well. What I did not tell her was I feel I cannot date until I do a lot more soul searching. They know a little bit about my proclivities because when I was 13 I tried to meet men online and one of them introduced me to BDSM. As I mentioned in Masochism and Me, these thoughts have been in my head since before I can remember, but before that online chat, I did not know there was a name for people like me. Anyway, before handing my chat logs to detectives who investigate internet crimes against children, they read every word. As a result, they have known for years. Plus, when I was 16 I was caught on a Gor website. The only reason I was caught was because despite lying about my age (you were suppose to be 21), the only email address I owned was my school email address and some do-gooder admin took it upon themselves to email my school administration! Luckily, my high school was freaking amazing, but it was still embarrassing. My parents now knew it was more than a phase at age 13. *awkward* Also, they suspect I am bi or gay or something alternative. When I signed up for Pride at school they confronted me about it. They had these understanding looks in their eyes, as if all my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) made sense. I told them they were wrong. Pride was also PFLAG at my school.

I am not about to explain any of this to them. They might understand. When they found out about my continuing interest at 16, in an attempt to make me feel less awkward, one of them confided bondage fantasies. However, they’re religious and stressed it was “okay if I wanted my husband to tie me up in bed…” In other words, sex before marriage was not okay. I don’t know if it is possible to find my truth without surpassing oral sex. I know people engage in sexualized BDSM without literal sex, but I don’t know if that is enough to explore this anew.

I think it is unfair to enter a relationship without deciding who I am first. At the same time, I do not believe in vaginal penetration without love. This presents an obvious problem. *sigh*

The point is I am not ready to date anyone right now, especially a potentially vanilla person.

These are problems for another day though…

I’m going to try…No, I’m going to study today. To that end, I’m going to log-off and hopefully stay offline all day. I only have 5 days to study now; this is obviously my fault. Nonetheless, I am getting increasingly anxious.

I figured out there are 5 stages of procrastination. Perhaps if I get through this semester, I will explore their meaning and how to stop them like a Behavior Chain Analysis in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

One last thing: Darn it! I’m contributing to more stereotypes! For example, people who use online dating are crazy or weird or there is something wrong with them. 😦 Sorry universe! I swear there are normal, wonderful, kind, amazing people using online dating.

I’m insane because of Feminism


I FIGURED IT OUT! I was born in the wrong time period! I’m currently watching “Princess”, the Legend of the Seeker episode where Cara/Tabrett Bethell must pretend to be a princess. There is an impromptu curtsy-off over who can bend the lowest. I thought to myself, “I’d already fail, cotillion and Maypole dancing failed to teach me a proper curtsy!” To check my spelling of cotillion I Googled it and ended up reading the wikipedia pages about it and Maypole dances. They’re both old. Cotillion dates to the 1700s in France and May Day is ancient, but Maypole dances in the U.S. date back to 1628.

On one hand, as I stated, my curtsies are not pretty. On the other hand, I live in the U.S. in the 21st century, yet belong to a culture where cotillion, Maypole dances, and debutant balls still exist. Here, Maypole dances involve ribbons, pole, and teenage or pre-teen girls in white dresses.

Although no one ever told me women were less than or different, I grew up with clearly defined gender roles. For example, women work in the kitchen and men work the yard. Until, my sister-in-law came along, everyone silently obeyed the unspoken rules.

At the same time, outside society keeps pushing ideas down my throat like “having it all”.

So, I have factions at war. On one side, I want a protector. On the other side, I want to be independent and self-sufficient. I grew up in a world that said, “the man takes your coat, stands up when you leave the table, leads you by the arm, etc”, but I face a world that says “you must be the same to be equal.”

I know equality does not have to equal sameness. I do not view myself as less than men or anyone else, other than the whole I-hate-myself-thing. Yet, I do not think division of labor has to equal a hierarchy.

What if, my uncertainties are because I’m trying to fit into the world at large, while still holding on to the world I grew up in? And somehow, that was twisted into bdsm? It might be a contributing factor. I do feel guilty for submissive tendencies because people keep saying woman are equal and therefore, should not submit.

I believe everyone should have the right to chose their own path. My feminism: Fighting for the right to chose any path, whether that means no kids and no partner, stay at home mom, or something in between. It is like that scene in Mona Lisa Smile.

Note: I don’t really blame feminism or my upbringing for my issues! Also, Alice Paul is my hero! Yes, I like the right to vote, own property, etc. I’m just trying to explore my personal motives in life…