Nothing Good can come of hiding who I am

Sometimes I get so sick of hiding who I am. I feel as though I hide almost everything about myself offline. The mental illness, bdsm, sexuality, everything. I think no one knows me, which makes me feel very alone. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone knew all of it and accepted me despite it. I uploaded part of two scenes (from the same episode, s1e19, “Cursed”) that resonated with me because of my necessity to hide myself. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the sentiment is true for me, especially with mental illness. Perhaps it is true in regard to masochism or submission. I don’t know.

I fear I can’t trust myself. I don’t know what my truth is. I wish I viewed it as a gift, as part of who I am, as something I should not deny. I want to embrace it, control it, but is that safe or wise? I feel sad when I hear her say, “Nothing good can come of hiding who I am”; I will always have to hide who I am.

Just for fun, this is a version where I added audio from another episode (s1e18, “Mirror”) and clips from a third episode (s2e09, “Light”) to imply BDSM was Kahlan’s secret. πŸ˜‰

For some people, eye contact during painful parts of scenes is like
saying, “Mmm, I like it! Give me more!!” πŸ˜‰ Not to mention that smile on
her face afterwards!!

2 thoughts on “Nothing Good can come of hiding who I am

  1. I came across you blog after doing some thinking on my own. I use too cut my self in high school and some into college never really got professional help. To me, I just grew out of it. Just recently after watching a couple of BDSM videos and the talk about controlling your body/pain I have done some googling for recent post relating to the connection between SI and BDSM. It i where to cut my self only to try to push the psychical pain away. I guess i have really do direction I am going with this I am just trying to think past the barrier of Metal Illness and SI and trying to get the point of expanding my mind. If you can understand me what are your view points on my scrambled thoughts.

    • Hi! Do you mean you also fear BDSM is a coping mechanism like SI? Or it is unhealthy? Yet, you are trying to look at BDSM through a clear lens, not clouded by your past of SI and mental illness? No need to apologize for scrambled thoughts. It sounds like we’re on a similar journey and my thoughts are extremely scrambled, confusing, and even contradictory at times! That is why I like the blog format. I can ramble and even if what comes out does not make complete sense, it is a step forward in my understanding. I hope through lots of writing and conversation with others like you, I can find peace with this. Good luck!

Please share your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s