FRAK MY LIFE: Disappointed in Myself (AGAIN)


After all that blather about doing the right thing, I skipped Contracts AGAIN. That makes 4 out of 5 classes skipped in the first 2 weeks of school. OH MY FUCKING GOD. BBT_failure at everything

How I feel:BBT_rage in my heartGI_on inside my head

What I wish I could do to myself:

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Or at least do something to snap myself out of this cycle: Buffy_punches_willow_superstrength_two_to_go

I wish I could make the thoughts go away:

Fringe_shush and calm down

But I can’t…

Supernatural_hate what u see   OUaT_no one could ever love me  Buffy_about willow

*edit* Right after I posted this, my friend burst into the room and asked if I was ok. She was in the room with me earlier in the day. So, she knew where I was likely to be “studying”. I still feel like crap about myself, but she helped me feel a little better.

I am trying to do well; I care about success in law school. I am trying to do the reading. Honestly, I am trying. The problem is my baseline is starting too low. I struggle to get out of bed. Then I struggle to do my Activities of Daily Living. Next, whether of not I did my ADLS, I struggle to get to the law school building. After that I have to rally the effort to actually go to class. Lastly, I have to attempt to read the casebooks or research for my paper and I have to do it after dragging myself around all day, fighting the urge to give up. When getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a fight, and brushing teeth is a rarity, getting to class takes a lot of willpower. I know if I want to be here, I have to be here. I know I am capable of doing this. However, with the way the professors teach, it is impossible to pass, if you miss too much.

Fringe_Peter_head bang

Family Breakfast


I couldn’t sleep last night. In order to keep myself awake while driving I ate breakfast and did not turn the heat on in the car. I didn’t feel cold. My car said it was 12 degrees outside; the radio said it was 10 degrees. I think I was ok because when I shivered at 19 degrees it was late afternoon. So, the sun was low in the sky and this morning it was shining. Also, I forgot my meds a few days last week. Today I remembered and maybe my body is no longer used to the high dose of stimulants.

Anyway, when I was sick my mom instituted “Family Breakfast” because unless someone watched me, I didn’t eat. I saw right through the “spending more time together” lie.

Fringe_toast

Today my mom ate breakfast with me. Usually I don’t eat breakfast, but also she is usually on her way to work when I am getting ready. Eating breakfast with her reminded of “Family Breakfast”, which reminded me of treatment.

In turn, it reminded of me treatment friends. Some of them are dead; others are on disability. One died at 20. I’m now 23, things aren’t perfect, but they could be much worse.

In other news: I’ve only skipped 3 classes this week. Granted, 2 of them were Contracts, meaning I’ve skipped 3 of the 4 class times we’ve had this semester. The other was Civ Pro…Oops! I plan on going to Contracts at 2 pm today. I also plan on actually doing research for the paper due Sunday before the night it is due. Then again, I always plan on studying/ catching up/ reading for class/ etc., but then sleep sounds so much more inviting. Haha, yesterday I was awake for a grand total of 8 hours.

LotS_cara eye roll

Another TED talk: Depression Stigma


He has a great point! He is absolutely right; the only way to destroy the stigma is talking openly about it.

 

However, I’m not ready to let the world know about my depression.

GoT_father told the truth

Yes, Sansa, he was an honest man and look what happened to him!

OK, that was ironic considering this is a blog, but the only people who know me IRL and have any idea this blog exists are people who already know most of this and I trust to accept me with the other stuff (I.e. masochism, bisexuality).

You Don’t have to Fight Anymore


I talked to my Legal Research and Writing Professor for an hour and a half. She is amazing! It turns out that she struggles with depression. We talked about depression, anxiety, perfectionism, medication, therapy, premature birth, support systems, and coping mechanisms. My professor asked if there was a family history of mental illness (there is a minor history, but no one as bad as me) and whether I thought my struggles were genetic or environmental. I said both, but that was why we talked about prematurity. She didn’t say anything new, but she phrased some ideas differently than other people. It was helpful.

What especially stuck with me was “Wow, no wonder you’re a fighter. You have always been a fighter…but you don’t have to fight anymore. I was proud, amazed, that you passed last semester. You’ve clearly proven you can do it and you’re smart enough. Leaving doesn’t equal failure. You need to do what makes you happy. I worry about you because law school is making you this miserable. The first year is tough, but I know many people who struggled with depression in their 3rd year. This, no degree, is worth being suicidal.

But then again, I feel like I still have something to prove. Like this: (4:44 – 5:09)

Is this what you really want? I know it is hard to know this early; if it is, maybe you should fight for it. If it’s not, the degree isn’t worth the pain you’re in. Maybe a leave of absence would help. If you’re much better out of law school that maybe your answer. Also, just because you leave, doesn’t mean you can never come back. I know students who failed their first semester, reapplied, and returned. I see no reason why you wouldn’t be accepted; you have a solid C average. You’ve proven yourself.”

She also said I can help people without a law degree. I said I wanted to do child advocacy; she said there may even be better ways to make a difference because with the law, you feel like you’re fighting unwinnable battles against this giant system. She used to be a child advocate and a juvenile defense attorney, but she became a professor because she burned out.

She said I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to be happy. I shouldn’t do things because like her, “I (she) was the intelligent person who didn’t want to take the MCAT. It was expected because everyone said I’d made a good lawyer…and I made a great lawyer. My perfectionism worked in my favor, but I was miserable.” Also, on one hand, I am depressed and that wreaks havoc on motivation, but on the other hand, is it possible I waited until the last possible moment to do every assignment, barely read the casebooks, and skipped as many classes as possible to still pass because this is really not were I want to be?

I have a lot to think about. If I become suicidal again, I will at least take a leave of absence. Short of that, I don’t know what to do. I am inclined to stay…today.

lilah teasing smile

On stepping away from incrimination and accepting sexuality


“Love as thou wilt.” While reading Kushiel’s Chosen, it occurred to me that love cannot be evil. Sure, love can lead us to do immoral things, but the raw emotion can’t be wrong. How could it?

Perhaps it sounds cliché, but my religion is love. I badly want to believe in the God I grew up with, but I struggle. I do not think our mortal minds are capable of conceiving such grandiose things, if they are true. Therefore, how could a benevolent God punish mere humans for getting it wrong? I do not think he would. That would be like an adult punishing a 3 year old for failing to grasp theoretical physics! So, I believe if there is a God or some, any, force that is immortal and controls our access to the afterlife, he/she/they/it could not reasonably damn us for not grasping the truth of planes beyond our existence. If he is smarter than us, he is most likely wiser and more compassionate because if he is more intelligent, he would have to understand our lack of knowledge and intelligence. As a result, unless he is so far beyond us that we are tiny ants, unworthy of his concern, he would not damn us.

I believe we cannot know the truth of what lies beyond our awareness. We can cast our lot with one religion or another, but we cannot be certain until after death. So, our morals cannot come from religious precepts. Then were do they come from? I am not entirely sure, that would take another post. I do know having a positive impact on others is a good thing.

Yet, things are not so simple. One kind act could have awful implications that we could not possibly be aware of. For example, say a woman is starving and out of kindness I give her dinner. As a result, she is able to survive to get her next meal and eventually she finds her feet and prospers. Ten years later she gives birth to a daughter and twenty years after that the daughter gives birth to Adolf Hitler. Hitler, as your know, goes on to orchestrate the murder of millions of people. My one act of kindness saved a woman’s life, but in the end, brought untold suffering. We cannot know the full ripples of our actions. Therefore, how can we be judged solely on what measurable good we do in life? I do not think we can be judged that way. We could judge based on the immediate consequence of any one action, but even that could turn out poorly.

So, if not our deeds, what is left to judge our worth? I think the only thing left is our intent. If our intent is good, born of kindness, compassion, and love, I think we are good people. We may make wrong choices or we may make seemingly correct choices, which lead to catastrophe, but I think our intent is how we can judge a person’s character.

Assuming that supposition is right, how can love, gay, bi, straight, paraphilias, masochistic, or sadistic be wrong? I do not think it can be wrong! There are exceptions, when your “love” harms another person, it is not love; it is lust. For example, I believe pedophilia is wrong because a child cannot consent to sex and sexual abuse does immense harm to children. If pedophiles really loved children, they would not touch them.

However, as long as actions are between consenting adults and do not impinge on a third party’s rights, I conclude love cannot be immoral. Furthermore, if I am wrong, I cannot see how a just deity would damn me for my lack of perfect comprehension when I did not have all the facts. Faith maybe the best course of action, but we are weak; we are not omniscient. How can we be judged by standards that are beyond us?

In sum, thanks to Jacqueline Carey and Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève, I am another step closer to accepting this part of myself. Thanks to Deej, I accept my bisexuality. In years past, I hated my learning disability and mental illnesses. Truthfully, sometimes I still despise the mental illnesses because they make school, relationships, and life in general, much more difficult. However, I now accept my learning disability is not stupidity or a character flaw. It is a result of extreme prematurity (23 weeks gestation) and an intraventricular hemorrhage I suffered in the first 6 months of life. It is not my fault. Yes, it makes academia tougher and presents unique challenges, but I am stubborn and intelligent; I am capable of persevering. Hell, I already defied doctors’ expectations many times over. One doctor (my mom said she used to wish I’d go to medical school and become his boss in the NICU) told her: You don’t need to worry about her getting into college, or even graduating high school. She’ll be deaf, blind, and retarded. You need to worry about whether she can hold down a job, which is unlikely.

You know what? My parents are f**king right when they call me a miracle. At the time of my birth, no baby born as early as I ever survived the NICU at the hospital I was transferred to after birth. Child magazine ranked the hospital in the “top 10 best hospitals in the nation” 4 times in a row. It is considered 3rd in the nation for neonatal care according to U.S. News and World Report. Furthermore, the hospital received the nation’s highest honor for nursing excellence, the Magnet designation from the American Nurses Credentialing Center (ANCC). To date, only 170 of almost 5,000 hospitals nationwide – 3 percent – have Magnet status. In January 2010, it was redesignated as a Magnet hospital by the ANCC Magnet Recognition Program. Only 2 percent of hospitals nationally have achieved Magnet re-designation. In other words, it is a fricking good hospital and it was good in 1990 to. So, their inability to save a baby born at 23 weeks gestation says something about the state the neonatology at the time. I’m not perfect; there are immutable challenges I must live with, but I am freaking awesome when you consider everything.

some parts of me are awesome

As for the mental illnesses, I believe they are due, in part, to my first 6 months of life. Numerous longitudinal studies show NICU graduates have higher rates of mental illness, including mood disorders like anxiety and depression. I do not know if recovery is possible for me. I know Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can literally rewire the brain, maybe I can recover. However, whether or not I can gain remission from my mental disorders, I must believe I can manage them better. I can surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, I can utilize my support systems, and I can use coping skills to the best of my ability. Managing emotions does not come readily to me. I did not learn to healthily self-sooth and perhaps my emotions will always be more intense than most people’s, but I can learn to use the coping skills therapy taught me.

I used to think I did not have a “right” to be sick. I used to believe my life was perfect, I had a good school, nice friends, a loving family, and I wanted for naught; so, I thought I had no reason to struggle. Now I realize those things, while I am blessed to have them, do not negate my internal world. For whatever reason, I have these problems; they are my burden to bear. I wish it was not so, but I am what I am. I can be no more and no less. I have a right to my feelings, even my irrational ones, but I can learn to harness them. Moreover, I have a right to love who I want and how I want, so long as I am not taking away someone else’s rights.

*edit* While I acknowledge my prematurity had am impact on my development (if nothing else, I endured surgeries until I was 16 to correct certain problems), I do not agree with psychodynamic theory. They believe the unconscious governs most, if not all, mental illness, expressing some unknown need from our forgotten childhood. In contrast, I admit neonatal trauma can physically alter brain development, for example, my stroke.

It is possible that my former therapist is correct and I am substituting masochism for self-injury or my eating disorder, maybe it is unhealthy. At the same time, it gives me peace, security, and happiness. Again, as long as I am not harming others (For example, if shooting random people made me happy, I still could not morally do it.), and it is not detrimental to me wellbeing, I ought to be able to conduct myself as I want. I do not think peace, security, and happiness can be wrong. Granted, my eating disorder gives me those things, after a fashion, but it also harms my long-term health, which when all is said and done, takes away happiness. Masochism, done safely and sanely, does none of those things.

In conclusion, there are still ways I can better myself. Everyone is capable of self-improvement. Bisexuality and masochism do not make me a lesser human being or weak. They are part of who I am. In truth, so are my mental illnesses because they’ve given me more compassion and understanding of others. They’ve shaped me. The harm of mental illnesses can go, but they are not a character flaw or weakness on my part and in a way, I am grateful for them. Bisexuality and masochism are not diseases; they are not immoral. I…I am okay; I am not bad because of them. Alt and Olive_happy to see you Fauxlivia_happy to see you

B smile2 Felicia Day_satisfied smile

Starting Fires


Fringe_Angry pyro

Yesterday my therapist/psychiatrist said, “You’re doing it again; you’re manufacturing the next catastrophe. We’ve only had short times of in-depth therapy because you divert attention from the underlying problems to the next big crisis.”

First of all, props to me for going to therapy for the first time in over a month! Second, he is right. I do create catastrophes in my life. The ironic thing is my first therapist told me that 10 years ago after seeing her for a year and a half. She said I had a habit of “starting fires (metaphorically! I’m not a pyromaniac!) to avoid the real problems.” I’ve seen my current therapist for 9 years! My mom said she switched my treatment providers because she thought I was manipulating my therapist and the therapist didn’t know it.

I don’t remember ever intentionally manipulating her. Lol, apparently she had me better figured out than my mom realized. Honestly, I don’t do this consciously. Two therapists saying the same thing about me makes it more convincing though. I’m not sure how they can tell the difference between “starting fires” and having mental illness flare ups because many people with mental illness have bouts of remission and relapse.

Then again, I do shoot myself in the foot a lot. There are certain warning signs and I often knowingly ignore them. Plus, many times I do stupid/bad things for no good reason. In other words, I do them when I’m not in the vice-grip of mental illness. So, maybe they’re both right.

I’d be less skeptical if his comment wasn’t followed by, “I realized you’re repeating what happened to you as a little girl.” …OMFG, psychoanalysis is stupid! While I can see how my birth trauma impacts me (I was born at 23 weeks gestation in 1990), I don’t think I’m unconsciously repeating the past, which I can’t even remember. Furthermore, I think that is a stupid theory.

None of you know me and I’ve only blogged for 3 months. Therefore, I know you only have a limited snapshot of me. Despite that lack of knowledge, given what you know, do you think they’re right? Either way, why? If they are correct, what do you think I can do to change the pattern?

First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

What should I do with my life?


Ah, skipping school again. On the bright side, I took my meds today. Oh, and I’m awake before 4 pm!

sunrise

I want to help people. I want to ultimately leave the world a better place than when I left it. Am I an altruist? No. I bet this comes from the same part of me that believes I’m evil, always atoning for some nameless sin. Since my motives are less than pure, I don’t think I am doing true good works. Nonetheless, I want to make a positive impact.

I despise law school. Yesterday I said I’d wait until my meds had a chance to kick-in again, but seriously this sucks!

snow_text

Jobs that have a positive impact:

  1. Justice (Prosecutor, Child advocate, Forensic psychologist)
  2. Healer (Doctor, EMT, Nurse, ultrasound technician, MHT, Therapist)
  3. Protector (Armed Forces, FBI, CIA, Police Officer, ICE, DoD)
  4. Knowledge (Researcher – Psychological, medicine, physics)
  5. The Next Generation (Teacher)

The first thing I remember wanting to do is to work for the CIA as a spy. My parents quickly discouraged that because of the danger. All of the jobs listed above are job I’ve considered. In fact, when searching for undergrad universities I looked at teaching and nursing programs. I entered undergrad as a nursing student, but shadowing students scared me away (they were doing a microbiology lab at 10:30 on a Sunday night) and I switched to psychology before Freshman year even started. Realistically, I don’t think any of the careers I listed as protectors would accept me. Theoretically, I could work on nutrition and fitness to pass their various fitness exams, but they all require in-depth psychiatric evaluations and my dad, who dealt with government agencies in the past, says they don’t take people with depression.

Scoop: Anna Torv Eyes TV Return as Jennifer Jason Leigh’s Lover in Ryan Murphy’s Open


And the only reason I’m watching Open on HBO is…Anna Torv. 😉

TVLine

Anna Torv Open HBOAnna Torv is entering a new alternative universe: The former Fringe star is joining Ryan Murphy’s sex-and-relationships pilot Open as the lesbian lover of Jennifer Jason Leigh, TVLine has learned.

RELATED | 30 Actors TVLine Readers Want Back on TV Now

The provocative script, which was penned for HBO by Murphy and Dexter co-executive producer Lauren Gussis, revolves around five characters.

Torv will play Windsor, a yoga instructor in a longterm relationship with Holly (Jennifer Jason Leigh), but upon meeting Grace (casting TBD) feels an instant connection. They join the previously cast Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley.

[pmc_twitter_followme username=”MichaelAusiello”]

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A Bad Day or A Couple of ’em


I haven’t been to school since last Thursday. As a result of MLK Jr. day and my schedule that means I only really skipped 2 days, but still… I’ve spent the last 2 days in bed. I got up after 5 pm today and maybe 4:30 pm yesterday. I have homework due at midnight. I’m obviously behind in reading. I’m miserable again I hate this! I’m doing it hoping next semester will be better, hoping I’ll like the job I eventually get, and hoping the student loans will be worth it. I’m more and more convinced I should quit. Why am I doing this to myself?

At the same time, everyone says the first year sucks and it gets better. Plus, I haven’t taken my meds in a few days. We aren’t even 2 full weeks into the semester. I can still turn things around, easily! Right now I’m telling myself I won’t make a decision until I’ve been back on my meds for a few weeks and I’m caught up in school. Otherwise, I fear I’m making a rash choice out of feeling, not reason.

I had an awful nightmare. I haven’t had nightmares in a while. I was supposed to meet with a new lab for the first day of psychology grad school in L.A. Apparently, I went to UCLA in my dream? I got lost and freaked out, then I made a wrong turn onto a broken bridge. However, I didn’t realize it was broken until it was too late to decelerate. I flew through the air, a good 200 feet above the ground. I was certain I’d die, but then 20 feet from death, I stopped. My car got lodged on a beam above the ground. I sat there, paralyzed in fear, afraid any  movement would destabilize me. Paramedics got there in what seemed like over a half hour and they freed me. We rushed into the hospital and they quickly took stock of my injuries. Once I was out of danger, they wheeled me to a locked psychiatric unit, even though I swore up and down that I was really just lost, that was not a suicide attempt. They said it was an eating disorder unit because my electrolytes clearly indicated I was engaging in dangerous ED behaviors. It sucked, it was worse than any psych ward I’ve experienced or even seen (I.e. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Girl, interrupted). Everyone hated me…

20 Signs You Really, Really Hate People


LOL, I don’t hate people, but I don’t enjoy being with lots of them either…Also, #16 = law school life!!!

Natalie-Kay-Es-El

1. The idea of getting your ass out of bed, dressing up and stepping out of your front door is just

Michael scott no

2. When you take public transport, you can’t help but think:

theres-too-many-people-on-this-earth-we-need-a-plague

3. You’re on your way to meet a friend and then you get a text from her saying she’s brought a tag-along.

This is your reaction:

dont need another friend

4. You find yourself praying that plans get cancelled all the time.

cancelling plans

5. When you get invited to a house party, you pray to God they’ve got a pet so you can act busy and not interact with actual human beings.

6. When people tap you on the shoulder, or try to do that cheek-kissy thing that white people love, or touch you in any way:

you-dont-know-me-like-that

7. When someone whips out a camera and everyone squeals in delight, you’re just like:

Robert Downey Jr Pained Photo Taking

8. You loovvvveee the internet. And the invention of mobile phones…

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Controlling the Curse


I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?

Frozen_so much fear

There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person

Frozen_Conceal Don't Feel

2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person Frozen_you're not safe here

3. I’m worthless. Even if, by some miracle, someone fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.

Frozen_the cold never bothered me anyway

4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.

Frozen_can't be free

5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. Frozen_no escaping the storm inside

6. Opening myself emotionally is dangerous and scary.

Frozen_love will thaw

7. I’m incapable of trust. 8. Premarital sex is wrong and I’m bad for considering it.

Frozen_be the good girl

9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her) 10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

Frozen_can't control the curse

or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…

I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or 3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.

2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.

3. Ehh, I’m almost positive I don’t believe this.

4. I suppose this is possible, but…

I wish I had Elsa’s attitude here

How we Measure Progress


I belong to a pro-ana Facebook group. Give or take a few girls leaving for recovery, the same 50 girls have belonged to the group for over 2 years. One of my best friends there asked how I was doing because I hadn’t posted in a while. I told them about school, coming out, and my weight. The overwhelming response?

“WOW, you’re doing so well!”

Not surprising from a bunch of eating disordered girls. But it got me thinking about priorities. Is this, our weight, really the most important measure of our worth or success? I would like to say no.Fringe_its all just nubmers

It makes me sad that we put so much emphasis on our appearance. Let’s see… I almost killed myself more than once last semester, I cried – a lot, I was almost involuntarily hospitalized, I barely passed my classes, I rarely attended class or read material, and I lost my scholarship…but WOW, you lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time!!

Why does it always have to be about looks

Maybe it is because we hate everything about ourselves and our weight is at least something we can change, whereas other things are relatively immutable like intelligence.

Why Are Lawyers Killing Themselves?


http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/19/us/lawyer-suicides/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Oh, CNN, THAT is a stupid question! The law is stressful. If you screw up, you may potentially ruin someone’s life. It is boring and it is cut-throat.

First Meet


later this week! I’m not nervous because I decided I’m not in the right place for a relationship, but the person is cool enough to be friends with.

Day 6: I’m grateful for friends who forgive my foibles and just pick up where we left off. I finally got in touch with a good friend, after being AWOL from everyone in my life for months.

awkward_regan

I found the perfect Mistress!


I want Melisande Shahrizai.

so pretty longest night

She is extremely intelligent and cunning. She knows how to read people. She knows how to get what she wants. She is a true sadist, but she cares in her own way. For example, she uses aftercare and makes sure Phedre is medically sound. In our world that is par for the course, but peeking into this fictional world and seeing more, it is clear she cares about Phedre. Yes, she sells Phedre illegally, but her intention was getting rid of her as a threat, yet keeping Phedre alive. Given the stakes of the Game of Houses, I do not think selling Phedre was unforgivable. Melisande is human; she has ambition. Phedre’s knowledge threatened her life and she knew she couldn’t trust Phedre to keep her secret. Most people in that circumstance would kill Phedre. It doesn’t hurt that she is described as gorgeous and rich.

I haven’t finished Kushiel’s Dart yet, so maybe Melisande does something reprehensible and unforgivable, but I do not think drugging and selling Phedre counts.

Picture source.

*edit* Gratefulness Day 5: I’m grateful for sadists because they’re the yin to my yang. Plus, if I can accept them as healthy, maybe I can accept myself.

When your cousin offers to go to a munch


with you…

buffy willow hug

This just keeps getting more and more interesting. At this rate, the kinksters will outnumber the vanilla people in this family.

There is something in the water…


IS MY WHOLE FREAKING FAMILY KINKY AND NO ONE TOLD ME?!

LOL, it would be a bit funny since I feel so much shame, guilt, and conflict over it! Last night I noticed my very conservative, religious cousin *liked* Jacqueline Carey on Facebook.

This was my face:

Cara's DANG or OH WOW face

Gratefulness experiment day 3: I’m grateful for this Legend of the Seeker fandom video; yep, it still evokes warm and fuzzy feelings! 🙂

Screw Writing Strong Women


Complicated women3 women who kick asswomen who cry women who want but don't need

The OP makes a wonderful point! Writers should create real women! They should also write real men. Human beings are complicated. It really hit home for me because I realized I sometimes judge unfairly. For example, while re-reading Legend of the Seeker, all the difficult, stressful events Kahlan faced struck me. Maybe she cries a lot and maybe there are other women in the story who are in similar situations and do not cry, but no other woman in the series had the same burden. Kahlan essentially ruled numerous countries and felt responsible for the people of all those nations. Furthermore, she was the last of her kind, Confessors. Kahlan and other women like Olivia can be strong, powerful, and brave, even while crying.

One of the best things about Game of Thrones is that the characters, women included, are complicated! They neither “good” nor “bad”. They are a mixture; they are human. They have weaknesses and strengths. Sometimes they do “the right thing”, but not always. In contrast, Richard Cypher/ Rahl is almost perfect. I’m having difficulty thinking of a time when he made a mistake or did the immoral thing. The only event that comes to mind from 14 about 1,000 page books is when he felt betrayed by Kahlan for enjoying sex when she thought it was his brother. While I can understand why he felt betrayed, he almost refused to return to the land of the living! First of all, the sex wasn’t with Drefan, it was with him. Who knows if she would be aroused by him. Second, she did not enjoy it. She equated it to rape. Third, she had no choice. She detested the first time, but acquiesced because the spirits demanded it. She waited for the spirits to come take Richard to the Temple of the Winds. When they did not, she realized she had to enjoy it. So, she worked to get over her mental block (losing her “virginity” to Drefan, not Richard/ having sex with anyone other than Richard) and did what she needed to, in order to climax. If she hadn’t, the spirits would never open the door for Richard to the Temple of the Winds. Fourth, people have involuntary physical reactions to stimuli. So, while I think he had the right to be angry, I think he did not fairly look at the situation and her predicament.

In fact, one of my favorite characters in the Whedonverse is the one who changed the most over their series: Spike. He went from pure evil, to starting to care about Buffy, to attempting to rape her, to recognizing his soullessness, to being the one person Buffy turns to when she is alone, and finally (in Buffy) to sacrificing himself to save the others. Even at his best, Spike it not one-dimensional. He has quirks, flaws, and positive attributes.

I know many of you write fanfiction and some of you want to write your own stories. Please write complicated women and men and don’t lose a character’s humanity while trying to defy stereotypes.

Pictures and original post via http://wildheart71.tumblr.com/post/67892540097/screw-writing-strong-women-write

Kushiel’s Dart


I’d happily live in Terre D’Ange; I wish masochism was revered and made someone worth more. I’m trying, I really am trying to accept myself, but I still think it makes me a freak. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind the lack of technology, if only I could see myself through the eyes of Melisande Shahrizai.

Perhaps things would be different if I’d read Carey when the book came out and I was 12.

I don’t know how the others who were essentially born this way accept it. I wouldn’t feel like a freak if a significant other introduced me to BDSM as a teenager and I found it alluring. Most stories I hear are people discovering it after puberty. I feel like a creep for having these proclivities since my earliest conscious memory. Those childhood fantasies, unbidden by someone explaining the nature of pleasure and pain such as in Valerian House, are literally my earliest memory. I cannot adequately explain why, but that makes me feel dirty and wrong and sick and disgusting. I compare it to the difference between Phedre and Adepts of Valerian House. For her, it was inborn and nothing she did could change it. For them, if they could understand the concept of pain and pleasure intermingling, their education commenced with paired pain and pleasure. For them it was conditioned. I’m not saying people who needed a partner to introduce them to BDSM are not real masochists, sadists, Masters, or Mistresses, yet somehow I draw a distinction. For Phefre, her natural “gift” was seen as a rare blessing.

I want to live in a world where my disease is seen as a gift (Yes, masochism and sadism are still in the DSM V. In contrast, homosexuality was removed from the DSM before I was born. So, technically my sexuality is a disease, yay!)

Day 2 of Gratefulness Experiment: I am grateful for everyone who accepts all types of sex between consenting adults because hearing other people accept this as simply a fact and not a burden help push me ever closer to acceptance. Jacqueline Carey is included here. 🙂 She made masochism a powerful, Angel-granted, gift. I love Goodkind, but if you didn’t notice, the sadists and masochists are evil or broken (Darken Rhal, Mord-Sith)

On that note, I’ve been thinking about finding someone I care about and having sex because I’m terrified of guilt and regret, yet the two things I feared the most caused the greatest leaps in self-acceptance. Those 2 things: 1.) My first real life BDSM exposure years ago and 2.) Telling my brother and sister-in-law about bisexuality, masochism, and submission less than a month ago. I was frightened before each of them, but they both helped foster acceptance more than any therapy ever has. If I could accept myself, I think a lot of my depression, anxiety, and disordered eating would cease.

Source

Thankfulness and Sarah Michelle Gellar


My grandma told me for years to think of something your grateful for every day. I decided to give it a try after reading “How a Year of ‘Grateful’ Facebook Posts Changed This Woman’s Life” on Yahoo. Haha, oops…

Don’t worry in the future, I’ll tack them on the end of posts. I won’t add an extra post to your dash every day!

Day 1: I’m grateful for my sister-in-law because she never treated me differently after various problems. She isn’t blood (and therefore “obligated” to deal with me), but she knows my score and accepts and loves me anyway. At their wedding reception I told her I already considered her family because she’d been through so much with me and was always….human. Not everyone is understanding and I’m lucky my brother found a compassionate, amazing, girl! Happy 1 year and 3 month anniversary guys!

buffywillowtacklehug

 

While searching for a proper hug GIF for this post, I found a GIF of Sarah Michelle Gellar at The People’s Choice Awards this year! It made me smile and it fits the theme of the post!

SMG thanks buffy fans Source: Jarett Wieselman

Art Therapy


I tried looking for my Affirmation Book (at the end of inpatient, everyone got a small journal where patients and staff wrote well wishes and encouragement) last night, instead I found a stash of art therapy pieces. In some ways, not much changed over the past 6 years. I still suck at art and I still feel the same way about myself.

This the battle for recovery symbolized by two stick figures playing tug-of-war. And look! I’m winning!

art therapy

This is the cyclone of emotions and thoughts that I used my eating disorder to silence.

MM art ed11MM art ed8MM art ed9MM art ed7

This represents my identity; without my eating disorder I am no one/nothing/nobody.

MM art ed10

This is the program for an impromptu talent show we put on. Surprisingly, they let a few of the girls do a short gymnastics routine and they did not supplement them for the lost calories. Usually, they were very strict about movement. If you were redirected more than twice about frequently shaking your leg, sitting up too straight, etc., they gave you 60 CCs Ensure.

MM art ed1

For the 4th of July we had an extra Nutrition Group, yay! The topic was managing recovery around the holidays. I also wrote some notes from my dietician. According to her, I disliked eating because it meant being around family. Oh, treatment teams and their propensity to blame others, especially family, for mental health problems!

Firefly_Saffron eye roll

Photo_00023

Since we weren’t allowed books, magazines, TV, radio, etc., the only things we were allowed to do when not in groups was make up silly things like the following words set to The Twelve Days of Christmas, color on Disney coloring pages the nurses printed for us, and make friendship bracelets.

MM art ed6 MM art ed4 MM art ed3

All the help I got for discharge meal planning! Haha, it didn’t matter because I went straight to PHP, but they didn’t know what my discharge plans were until the day before I left because some people thought I should stay longer.

MM art ed2

Um…I’m not sure what this is! I think it represents the confusion and chaos created by emotions.

emotions

Lol, I have no idea what the shriveled, psychedelic Eye of Sauron, afflicted with pink eye, floating on its side means!

eye

This looks like pure boredom, not an assignment. I see a green balloon that says “Happy Birthday” (I spent my 18th birthday in treatment). I also see an unhappy purple ghost (A Monster? That one purple gaseous Pokémon? Something else?)

bday

Who the hell is Stella?!?! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not much of an artist! :p I doubt I drew this.

stella

Reflections on Buffy Episode s05e06 “Family”


I wrote this post at the same time as “Et tu Tara?!“, but I went on a long tangent; I decided to separate the topics. This is the product…

I mean, every parent threatens to beat their kids in anger. My parents spanked me as a kid, but that is not the same as abuse (hitting or beating). I’ve been hit before, but a couple of mistakes does not equal a pattern of abuse. Monsters are evil. Therefore, in essence, my dad called me evil. Blah, I make them sound awful! They aren’t bad people! They love me a lot! I love them! We get along well. People get angry, especially when they have stupid kids like young me, and say things they don’t mean. Too bad kids are impressionable and if they hear something enough, sometimes they start to believe the words. It wasn’t like they were mean to me; I just did stupid things a lot.

My brother doesn’t thinks “blood kin” are important. He thinks the emotional bonds you have with people, regardless of blood, is what makes family. I’m not sure why. In Tara’s case, when family completely rejects you, finding your own “family” makes sense. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that he doesn’t view us as important. Well, he views us as important but not necessarily important. In other words, our place in his life is replaceable. I think except in cases of out right rejection, abuse, or other extenuating circumstances, blood family always has a place in your life. Sometimes family is unhealthy to be around. For example, I know a woman recovering from her eating disorder who refuses to see her family because they trigger her so much with incessant body shaming of others, etc. That to is a different case. In my opinion, barring unhealthiness/abuse/rejection, just because you don’t care for or dislike certain members does not mean the family ceases to hold value in your life. Fyi, I like everyone in my family! I think my brother hold himself at a distance because he is afraid of true open communication and he learned as a child that voicing his needs and emotions was not okay. To be fair, non-violent communication rarely occurs in my family.

I’m not sure where he learned that. I learned it to, but differently. I attributed my interaction style to teachings that nice people go along with what others want, good people don’t make a fuss, etc. Taken to the extreme, you get children who don’t know how to express emotions because you punish them for it.

I never saw it with him. I thought it was directed at me because I was overly emotional or bad. However, it is possible that by the time I was old enough to understand these messages, it was already ingrained in him. Therefore, the stoicism I took as inner strength, which I lacked, was really a learned behavior.

Furthermore, I’m a submissive masochist, but he is a Dominant sadist! So, it would not follow that our upbringing influenced my submissive side, unless there really was a difference in their attitude towards us because I was overly emotional, bad, or female. My parents made adhere to some gender roles (nothing inherently wrong with that!) and they do treat us differently in some ways. For example, my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…while my brother was living with my future sister-in-law. She explicitly said as a female, it would be worse for me to live with a man, than my brother living with his girlfriend. However, my parents never said or implied women were less than men or incapable of anything, just different. In fact, since I can remember, I’ve been told I can do anything I want in life and it is important to be able to take care of myself. Haha, I guess that means I can’t be a painter!

The problem with this theory is that we were never punished for minimal expressions of emotion. So, I’m not sure where we got the idea. I know my dad’s family does not express emotions or needs because my aunt is overbearing, temperamental, and abusive when angry. (Yes, that is right, I said abusive. I can recognize abuse even in my family. My nuclear family is not abusive though.) Therefore, the other kids learned to never express their desires for fear of setting her off. This interaction style persisted in adulthood. My mother on the other hand, has no problem expressing her desires. In fact, I’m envious of her ability to sway people’s decisions with reasoned arguments. So, maybe our dad was an example of non-adaptive communication, but our mom was not. In that case, why didn’t we learn from her? She certainly did her best to course-correct us both prior to middle school.

Maybe I am over thinking things. Maybe my emotional issues are only mine. That is perhaps no matter how I was parented, I would turn out the same way. I’m jealous of my brother. He grew up in the same home and came from the same gene pool, yet he has no diagnosable mental illness. Why am I so weak? Why could he adapt, while I could not?

Dean--WTF photo dean-annoyed.gif

I wonder how my brother views our childhoods. Does he see any maladaptive interactions? If so, what? Did they affect him? Is that why he never calls/ returns calls? Or is there another reason? Does he think we were treated differently? Regardless of our upbringing did he notice different attitudes toward gender? Did Mom or Dad ever hit him (spanking doesn’t count) or was that just me? Did they ever threaten to hurt him? Did they ever call him names?

Most of the hitting and name calling occurred after he left for college. He left for college when I was 13. I don’t remember any hitting or name calling before age 11. So, he was not around for most of it. Mostly, he stayed in his room. So, he wouldn’t be present anyway. Also, this wasn’t frequent by any measure! The hitting and name calling I speak of are isolated incidents, arising from specific behaviors on my part. In fact, the only reason I remember each time so clearly is because it was rare!

I think we were treated differently, but I think it was because he was the first child. Therefore, in general, they were tougher on him and more relaxed with me. If there were any negative messages, he heard them louder and more clearly. As a result, he should be worse off than I am, if our upbringing had anything to do with who I am. At the same time, since I was about 11, my parents said certain things about me, but only after I did inexplicable things. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Meh, I’m over thinking things again. Every family has foibles. No person, and parents are people, is perfect. My family is no better or worse than any other non-abusive, healthy family. I take that back, my parents were fricking heroic when I was born early. Family is not to blame. No one is, this is just me.

Fear of Vulnerability and Trust


I am capable of forming relationships; I’m not a sociopath. I want strong bonds. There are a few people in my life who I would die for and who I do not think could ever be replaced. I like people, but they scare the hell out of me. I’m not shy because I am arrogant, aloof, or unfeeling. The opposite it true. I feel too much, too strongly, too often. I resist letting people in because the more I let them in, the more they can hurt me.

It sucks because I want the bond everyone dreams of: The 60 year marriage, where the couple enjoys each other’s company, stands together through the storms of life, and takes care of each other to the end. Yet, I’m terrified of letting anyone in because that gives them true control.

incaoable2

The illusion of control seen in SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) BDSM scenes may appear scary, abusive, or coercive from the outside, but using RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)/SCC guidelines the submissive is the one with the real control. She says the word and everything stops.

Emotional vulnerability is infinitely more terrifying. When you let someone know your deepest emotional pain or fears and they do the same, that person leaves an indelible mark on your heart. No matter how much time or distance separates you, a special bond remains. It is almost as if you gave part of yourself to them.

So, armed with this emotional bond and secrets, they can twist a knife in your soul. They can hurt you more than any blade, brand, or whip ever could. It may not even be intentional! I still remember the day my best friend from PHP discharged. I cried, as in hyperventilating sobs… I did not cry when I left treatment or when anyone else before or after left any of my higher levels of care. This was a girl who knew what it was like inside my mind. She knew and she still liked me. She saw greatness where I only saw mediocrity. She knew things I’d told no other human being and vice versa.

Haha, we were in the art room, sitting next to each other after one of the last groups of the day and I don’t know when it happened, but we both started crying. When it was time for dinner a nurse came into the room, saw tears running down my face and asked, “Is it about the lasagna?” I laughed through my tears and explained I was crying because my best friend was leaving that night. Staff were nice, we had name cards and they set them out before dinner at four tables. Therefore, you never got to chose who you sat with. We got to sit next to each other that night. Plus, our favorite nurse was the table monitor. I don’t remember what I ate or didn’t eat, but I do remember my friend was too upset to finish her meal, which worried everyone because not finishing your last meal before discharge is a bad sign. I’m awful at keeping up with anyone from anytime in my life, even family! If I don’t live in the same house with you, it is unlikely I will reach out on a regular basis. I feel bad about it. I think about various friends often, but somehow I never get around to writing a letter. I still send a message to her occasionally and we chat like old times, but then inevitably, I get sucked away and into some life crisis like a major depression relapse or law school exams and suddenly months have flown by. I’m going to go write her a note as soon as I finish this post.

Anyway, her therapist wrote a long letter in my goodbye book. They had a tradition of giving each patient a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go” with encouraging handwritten notes from staff, therapists, and other patients. Her therapist’s note took an entire page of that book! He said I helped her open up. That made me happy.

However, I still remember crying and thinking (maybe I even said it in therapy later?) while I did not regret our relationship, getting that close to anyone else in treatment and losing them again was not worth the pain.

At the time, there were only 3 teenagers in the program. The other 16+ were adults. A nurse always waited with us until our parents came to pick us up after dinner. I was still crying and my mom couldn’t understand why it mattered so much. Obviously, we were friends, but she didn’t understand how I could become so incredibly close to someone I’d known only a month. She didn’t understand what spending 10 hours/day in the same room with someone, talking about things you never said out loud before, and sharing similar thought patterns can do for a friendship.

Granted some of those thought patterns and fears were part of the disease, but I think they leave behind traces even after recovery. In my experience, eating disorders affect people with similar personalities. I don’t know if ED makes us that way or we all already had the same thoughts in our heads. I imagine it is a little of both. Nonetheless, even those who recover usually remain compassionate, intuitive, quiet, unassuming, and kind. It is almost scary how thoughts from so many people from treatment could easily come from my mind!

…Not everyone is like that…Oh drama created by malnourished, angry, terrified teenagers. Haha, actually, from the adults to…

Argh, sorry long tangent!

The point of telling the story of my friend from treatment is getting close to people yields great rewards, but at great personal risk! If I knew I would end up with the relationship I want, I would be willing to crash and burn a few times, but no matter how many people I date, I cannot guarantee I’ll find that lifelong bond.

On one side, vulnerability leads to stronger bonds. For example, I feel closer to my brother and sister-in-law than I’ve ever felt. On the other side, the fall is bone crushing.

I don’t feel lonely right now. I have friends, I have people I could go out to a movie with tonight if I wanted to. I have family. I have potential significant others. I’m afraid of winding up alone because people move on, move away, lost touch, or die. Yet, for the moment, the fear of loss and vulnerability outweighs the fear of loneliness and the loss of never feeling romantic love.

Interesting pictures I found while search for quotes:

and finally, ouch!

BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i1.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛

Legend of the Seeker News!


OMG, this was posted December 2013! While a third season would be ideal, I realize time has passed and people move on. *sobs* I’d be happy with a movie if that is all I can get.

happy girls

I know Bridget Regan is one of the busy cast members, but I’d totally watch the “Kahlan and Cara kick-ass and take names in the Midlands” movie! I love Terry Goodkind and the Sword of Truth, but Legend of the Seeker has its own special place in my heart and those epic TV show writers can keep going with whatever non-cannon plot they like!  Kahlan swordplay saving Kahlan

Reposted from the SMGO Blog.

Hi all, small update here specifically for the LOTS fans.
You guys and gals are amazing! You just surpassed 21,000 votes – that’s 6,000 more individuals since we hit our first milestone. Congratulations! (Right now, if everyone who voted pledged the site’s average of $91, you’d have enough for a direct-to-video movie) Awesome.We wanted to give you another update before the holidays, and since we heard from many of you that our last one was a bit of a debbie-downer, we wanted to give you a an uplifting post 🙂
As you’ve read in our previous post,we hit a roadblock with a couple of the Legend of the Seeker producers. The good news is that we’ve still had the opportunity to knock on a bunch of other doors. We’ve been working actively with SOS to help come up with an alternative solution – and we think we might have a good plan that works for everyone. It’s still early, and we’re working on it, but hopefully we’ll be able to share more details after the holiday season.
We’ve also been working closely with some key members of the Legend of the Seeker cast. Because more than a few of them are busy with new projects, they’ve expressed a strong preference towards a Legend of the Seeker movie. At the moment, it looks like we might try to follow in the same footsteps as Firefly/Serenity and Veronica Mars, which might be a better outcome for the series.
We’ll let you know more when things get more solid. Thanks for being awesome, keep going.
Rest assured that we’re still working hard to bring back Legend of the Seeker and that the show cast and crew are still open to the idea.
Happy Holidays all!
Dave, Laura, the SMGO team, & SaveOurSeeker.com

What to Do When Non-Violent Communication Doesn’t Work?


What do you do when non-violent communication does not work in your family?!Felicia Day_don't know how to respond to that

Before school started, Mom was already constantly asking me about work habits, etc. On one hand, considering last semester, she has valid concerns. On the other hand, her constant nagging is frustrating, unhelpful, and anxiety-provoking. I attempted to express myself using the DEAR MAN cognitive behavior therapy skill, which I learned in inpatient treatment because (as I’m realizing more and more!) my family fails at communication. It helped a tiny bit for the first day, but Friday and last night she was at it again, with renewed vigor. I appreciate her advice. Also, I realize she knows more than me. However, I resent her micro-management. It is one thing to suggest I start homework on Saturday morning instead of Sunday night. It is an entirely different thing to suggest that once and then continue suggesting and/or asking how much work I completed every few hours all night! I was mad, but I tried using skills. When you ask me the same question numerous times and make the same suggestions over and over, I feel annoyed, angry, and resentful. I need you to only make a suggestion once and let me decide whether or not to heed your advice and please ask about progress less often. Fine, I did not include the “please”, but that is the essence of my plea.

It didn’t work. She just got angrier and yelled at me, hitting the table hard enough to break some fragile glass ornaments left there from Christmas. Then I started crying, yelling, and cursing. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at my parents. I feel like a teenager! On one hand, I am living under her roof rent-free. Plus, I admit the eating disorder stunted my emotional growth because once I started using eating disordered behaviors, I stopped learning to deal with emotions healthily. Therefore, although I’ve made tremendous progress over the years, I still view myself as a little behind my peers in emotional maturity. I’ve had more than one therapist tell me this and I know my parents agreed, but no one has said it for a few years. Perhaps I am on par with other early 20-somethings now.

On the other hand, I am 23! I am not a teenager! I am old enough and capable enough to make my own mistakes. Hell, I made a ton last semester, but I am aware of that! I know what I need to do differently and just because I did not study last night, does not mean I am not fixing my mistakes!

I feel suffocated. At the moment, when I see her my first thought is: Regina_don't talk to me

It wasn’t just last night. If it was just one night of needling, I wouldn’t be angry. Even so, I don’t know if I am right to be annoyed or not. Maybe this is that whole teenage-rebellion stage coming a few years late and I should simply listen to her…BUT I am not a teenager and I should be able to make my own choices. I know I owe a lot to her, I know my parents are extremely kind to pay for my first year of grad school and let me live at home without rent. Yet, their generosity doesn’t change the fact that I am an adult.

Ha, the problem is this post feels so whiney! It IS whiney and that is characteristic of a teenager. On the other hand, sometimes people have legitimate reasons to complain.

Last night moving out sounded nice. At this point, it is not worth the extra few thousand in student loans. Inevitably, I’ll have student loans, but I can avoid ~$12,000/year by living at home until the end of school.

I know I can’t give an objective view of all our interactions, the scope, or the frequency of the interactions, but based on what little albeit biased information you have, what should I do differently? Did I do something wrong in my initial attempt to use non-violent communication skills? How can I make things go more smoothly (I.e., no fighting, yelling, screaming, hitting of tables – or people)?

Her advice has merit. In fact, I know it is the best course of action. The way she tried to change my behavior is irritating. Should I do what she says, don’t procrastinate, just to avoid conflict?

I think I’m over-reacting. Then again, I wasn’t the first one to yell, cry, etc.!

Et tu, Tara?! or Only Broken People Submit


So much for Tara’s submissiveness being a good thing or even neutral. willow suprised

I re-watched “Family” yesterday. More love to Tara! *hugs fictional character tightly*

In combination with instances like this

Tara_I am you know. Yours

I think her general demeanor shows Tara is submissive. However, as usual in mainstream TV, it is not healthy for her. Buffy has a sadomasochistic relationship with Spike, but it is also unhealthy. Furthermore, it culminates in Spike attempting to rape Buffy. Back to Tara…

Tara’s family finds her in Sunnydale. Clearly, she is afraid of them. It turns out (I assume you’ve realized by now, my blog is full of spoilers for my fandoms, stop now if you don’t want to know what happens!) her family lied to her about the origins of her magic. They told her it came from being half-demon and her entire childhood they emotionally abused her, berating her, terrifying her, and feeding her self-loathing. Her male family members, especially her father, are obviously dominant. For Tara it seems her self-consciousness and fear of herself translated into a shy, quiet, easygoing, submissive demeanor. Her female cousin implores her to return saying Tara is selfish because with her gone, her father and brother must take care of the house by themselves. Her dad says demeaning things like, “I won’t be threatened by two little girls.” Her brother threatens her with violence. Earlier Tara even responded to an order with “Yes, Sir.”

Her submissive nature stems from childhood emotional abuse. This episode occurred in the 5th season. From then on, until her untimely, tragic, death in season 6, she becomes less and less submissive and more outspoken.

To me, her character background, coupled with her character arc, implies submission is for broken, wounded, scared people. Once they conquer their fear, they will no longer be submissive.

Do you think Tara is submissive? If not, why not? If you do, do you think my interpretation of Tara’s submission is correct? If not, why not? If so, do you think it was intentional?

Death’s Mistress


Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper.https://i2.wp.com/stream1.gifsoup.com/view/568540/lots-nicci-being-fierce-o.gifnicci gets Rahl

Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, we did a Vulcan mind meld, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker: http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

_

Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind)

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421

^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, “YES, EXACTLY!! “

Show affection for me? Bad Confessor!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287

Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212

I’ve had this exact thought.

“Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

I don’t believe in religious salvation through good works. I believe in redeeming my value as a human being through good work, which do as much as possible to offset the nameless evil inside me.

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

Yep, I’ve thought this as well. I don’t think the government has a right to force people to help others, but I believe people who are given more (intelligence, wealth, etc) are morally obligated to help others who cannot help themselves. I would not condemn someone for enjoying the spoils of their work. In fact, in regards to other people, obligation maybe too strong a word. I think I have an obligation to use my intelligence to do something positive for other people. Failing to do something good for others is a waste of my intelligence. Since wanton waste is bad, spending my life doing something that does not utilize my capability to help others, makes me worthless. For example, if I go back to Wal-Mart and work as a cashier forever; I am bad. Anyone else is not bad for working at Wal-Mart, but since I am capable (intellect) and able (wealth) to get more education and make a larger impact, choosing to ignore that is wrong. Here is an interesting though exercise from one of my undergrad classes: Does a heart surgeon who is the only one in the world who can perform a certain life saving surgery for sick kids have the right to retire early? If s/he retires early, all the children currently dying of X disease will die and every child born with X disease in the future will die, unless and until some other capable person is trained. I think s/he has a moral obligation to work as long as they are able and to attempt to teach someone else to do the surgery. That doesn’t mean s/he can never take a vacation or relax or even that s/he must spend 80 hours/week performing surgery. Furthermore, no one else, the government included, should force him/her to work. S/he is an independent individual and ought to be allowed to make their own choices, no matter what I or anyone else thinks. However, if I had the ability, I would not retire until I was incapable of performing the surgery because letting someone die if you can save them is the same as killing them in my book. Well, not identical, because if it was identical in my mind I would think society could force him/her to continue working. I believe we can enact laws such as punishment for murder. Therefore, if I truly believed letting someone die was the same as killing them, I would believe we could create laws forcing gifted people in certain areas like medicine to work until they were not longer able.

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did.

Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch?

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe.

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

Related articles

On Super Powers


This GIF  got me thinking…As much as I adore bad asses with magic or science so advanced it looks like magic, some of the most heroic people in the fictional worlds the aforementioned characters come from, are the people without super powers.

Case in point, in the above GIF, Xander Harris confronts Dark Willow. Willow is a powerful, extremely angry, revenge and grief motivated Wiccan trying to destroy the world. Xander is her childhood friend with no super-human ability whatsoever. Yet, he confronts her. One could argue if he had not confronted her, he would die anyway. Therefore, his actions were not heroic, they were self-preserving. However, he risks his life countless times for his friends and innocent people. Unlike Willow’s magic or Buffy’s super strength, Xander has no supernatural help when fighting monsters. Although they all risk death, Xander has no extra weapon. He is more vulnerable. As a result, he risks more than the others each time he fight evil. Yay Xander (and other non-gifted, normal, but brave humans)!

Xander_snoopy dance

My Worth or Lack Thereof


I’m feeling worthless today. I’m not really sure why. The only salient “reasons” I can think of are I overslept by 3 hours, last night I went into the study and apparently my parents still have those damn print outs of IMs from when I was 13-14, I’m considering prostitution again, I don’t feel like going to therapy even though I’ve skipped for weeks and deserve firing as a patient and I’m contemplating skipping again. Also, my fantasies literally made me sick to my stomach last night.

1. I feel guilty about oversleeping because it meant I did not respond to a message about a meeting today until 2 minutes before one of the suggested times.

2. I don’t think this was the cause because I’ve stumbled across those papers before. I didn’t even think about it until after I felt worthless and began thinking of all the possible reasons I’m a bad person. Also, I was 13 years old! That was 10 years ago! Teenagers are idiots. Their brains aren’t fully developed. Most importantly I would not impeach a friend if I learned of similar or more drastic behavior in his/her childhood. That last one has no bearing on my thought processes and self-worth because I often beat myself up over things I would tell someone else not to worry about. I’m simply attempting to justify some self-compassion here…

3. Oh dear… This really deserves its own post, but there are a myriad of distorted thoughts around prostitution. I have a friend who was a teenage prostitute because one parent died and the other was negligent as a result of their own mental illness. She was involved with DFS, but the system let her fall through the cracks. Some men are awful and don’t care whether the person they’re paying is a child and unable to consent. Abusing people who can’t stand up for themselves is the worst crime in my opinion; thinking about it makes my blood boil.

I blame 13-year-old me despite the age of consent because 13-year-old me was an idiot and had no reason for her actions, whereas my friend was trying to feed herself, stay in high school, and find a place to sleep at night.

I brought up my friend because I know it is not a pretty picture. Also, ironically, I’ve encouraged her many times not to go back to that life by outlining the dangers and drawbacks, along with reminding her of all she has accomplished/ her worth as a human being. In other words, stay in school! You have a full academic-based scholarship because you’re smart and you have a chance to graduate with a degree and do some good in the world. Also, you deserve someone who will cherish you and love you as a whole person, not an object, etc… but I can’t convincingly tell myself that.

Lastly, I know it is ironic that I’m talking about prostitution when earlier I spoke about my hang-ups about virginity. I’m a very all-or-nothing person. Yay, thought distortions! As unreasonable as it sounds, maybe I fear loosing my technical virginity because I fear the flood gates would open and I’d lose all boundaries. I might fear the same thing about my masochism. So far, despite my lack of vetting, I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to only deal with people who cared more about my wellbeing than I did. Therefore, nothing dangerous occurred. I don’t know that I could guarantee safe/sane actions if I was with someone who didn’t care about hospital visits…or dead bodies.

On one hand, few people’s sadism can match my brand of masochism. On the other hand, the people who do, tend to be dangerous. One person, I never met him, turned out to be connected with the disappearance of 2 girls and 2 women.

You see, other people get involved in police investigations because life circumstances lead them to certain behaviors. That doesn’t excuse all actions, but I am different. I come from an upper middle class family who love me and don’t abuse me. I have no excuse or reason to do the stupid things I do. I bring all the trouble in my life on myself. That is one reason why I despise myself. However, as sometimes happens with journaling, writing out my thoughts caused more reflection. I was not thinking in all this detail before sitting down to write this post. My only conscious thought was, “prostitution could work.”

Of course, living in a country where sexual contact for money is illegal almost everywhere, complicates things now that I am over 18, but that is another story.

4. Meh, I’ve done this so many times… I feel guilty, but it isn’t something that would make me feel worthless. It is wrong and unfair to my doctor and unhealthy, but I do it a lot. I doubt it contributed to feeling worthless.

5. This one was kind of new. It only happened for the first time a few nights ago. I often scare or disgust myself with my own depravity. Thank God I am a submissive/masochist, otherwise I’d have so much more cognitive dissonance! I’d probably be even more convinced I am evil and I’d probably have many more attempted suicides under my belt…If I was still here.

Anyway, two nights ago was the first time I remember feeling sick to my stomach after fantasizing. At the time I attributed it to the disturbing level of violence, but it just occurred to me that the series of scenes were the first in years that were only female. Usually, my fantasies involve only males or a combination of males and female. This night, it was only women. Maybe that is why I felt sick? To reiterate, I have no issues with other people’s sexual behavior provided it is between consenting adults. I hold myself to different, illogical, standards. Lately the violence has been bad, as in horror movie bad, as opposed to just it-would-be-smart-to-go-to-the-hospital bad. I don’t know why. This sort of goes along with my fear of crossing the SSC boundaries. The more I explore masochism in the real world, the more pain I realize I can handle, and the more dark my fantasies become. While I can draw a distinction between the type of fantasy that remains fantasy (I.e., drugs and BDSM) and the type of fantasy that I might act out, part of me fears as I explore more offline, I’ll adjust the lines in the sand. Apparently the only people who match my level of violence, or at least, who are willing to admit to even fantasizing about it are serial killers.  https://i2.wp.com/img.pandawhale.com/95182-felicia-day-cringe-reaction-gi-tbxp.gif

Note: My fantasies never involve death.

Well, I think I know what spurred the feelings of worthlessness. After writing the paragraphs on BDSM fantasies and prostitution I felt like cutting because I feel guilty. Although the other things make me feel guilty, the level of recrimination associated with the extremity of my BDSM thoughts and prostitution seems to rise to a higher level. Either I feel the need to be punished for thinking/doing bad things or I want to get rid of the feeling of guilt. Punishment would absolve me and therefore I’d feel less guilty, but the two options are dissimilar. On one hand, I’d be redeemed and “good”, whereas on the other hand, nothing would change, but cutting pushes the feelings away.

I Found My Limit


Thanks to the Polar Vortex, I found my temperature limit for driving without heat: 19 °F

Of course I feel the need to justify that temperature!

 

Silly competitive nature! I can withstand more, but at 19 degrees I began shivering. I decided shivering endangered myself and more importantly, others on the road.

Why should I Miss Out on a Relationship to Pass as Straight?


While watching my favorite Kahlan x Cara video again *squee*

I thought to myself, ” If I could have the dynamic I seek with a woman, why should I settle just so I can continue passing as straight?”

If I wanted to, I could chose to ignore any same-sex attraction because I am attracted to both genders. It would make life easier. My parents and grandparents would be blissfully ignorant and I wouldn’t need to worry about discrimination. Then I thought, my family would get over it. At least I’m pretty sure my mom would eventually. She accepted my uncle quickly when he came out, but I bet accepting your child would cause different issues than accepting your brother. As for other people, why would I want to work for bigots or surround myself with mean people? I should not have to deny how I love, like with BDSM, OR who I love to please other people.

Things I’d Rather Do than Go to Law School…


1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)

imageedit_175_4284171935

3. Become stranded in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration

imageedit_177_5444974273

5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I already elucidated my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!

Would You Date a Celebrity?


This is random, but the question occurred to me because I’ve been very GIF-happy lately. As much as I talk about crushes on actors and actresses, if I saw someone IRL I’d never approach them.

For one, my biggest crush is married.

(Apparently she and Craig used to watch fanvids to get in the mood for their romantic scenes!)

Second, and seriously, I could not deal with the media attention. I have enough insecurities without strangers around the globe commenting on every flaw. It seems celebrities’ significant others and friends are often scrutinized as well. The idea gives me shivers. Third, I want kids and I am certain growing up surrounded by all that media pressure is unhealthy. Fourth, I’d never get a chance to know them as a person because I’d never attempt to converse with them if we ever met by chance. I bet it is awful to never be able to go to a Barnes and Noble and browse books for fun without people pestering you for pictures or trying to talk to you. It would suck! I wouldn’t want to contribute to that feeling.

In fact, part of the reason I write-off local actors/actresses as partners is because most of them have bigger aspirations. If they’re successful, the uber-fame would come. It is unfair to want your partner to be unsuccessful! Yet, no amount of money is worth the personal invasion.

On the other hand, I don’t feel too bad for current celebrities because they knew what they were getting in to. That sentiment does not apply to their kids. I feel sad for their children, they had no say about their parent’s identities.

To Stay in Law School or Not To Stay?


Serious life decisions, boo…

Angel_Grr

I passed the first semester of law school despite missing 20% of the classes, reading less than 25% of the time, and seriously briefing 2 cases. I never made an outline. I spent a grand total of 3 hour studying for exams. In other words, depression and fear swallowed me whole, but I survived. That tells me I am capable of surviving law school and more than likely I can thrive. Since I gave about 10% effort, if I gave 100% of my effort, assuming most people gave close to 90% or more effort, I have no reason to believe I would be in the bottom 80% of my class.

That semester was hell. I was close more than once to a serious suicide attempt. I don’t want to go through that again.

 

I know myself well enough to know if I got straight As I would decide I “loved” law school and I’d be excited to go back. Right now I am dreading the 9th.

I was .07 GPA points away from keeping my scholarship. If I raise my GPA by .07, I can appeal to reinstate my scholarship going forward.

What do I want out of life? A stable career that I enjoy and feel helps others. Law could give me that. Even before I got the news about the scholarship, I’ve been thinking about my true love: science. I chose law over grad school because I feared the GRE more than the LSAT. The LSAT played to my strengths. Also, I feared the strange interview process PhD schools utilize. Candidates list labs they’re interested in and if the school thinks you may fit, they invite you to a mass open house weekend, where you have to hang out with the current lab students, professors, and your competition. The current students write reports about you, basically you’re on display 24/7. I dislike meeting new people, much less a bunch of smart new people who I know are judging me!

Those weren’t the only reasons, I talked to a lot of current lawyers about what I wanted out of life, my strengths, what I love, and I asked many question about their day-to-day life. I had reason to believe I would enjoy the law.

I’m scared because I still think I could enjoy law, but I won’t get a chance to experience the areas I think I may enjoy for another year. If I go on and decide I still hate it, I wasted another year and $1,000s. Yet I don’t want to quit and lost the opportunity because maybe I will love it!

https://i1.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/2ae0457dfc4f781a855971cc9403feff/tumblr_mghyc8sYky1qb8iico6_500.gif

I am nervous because it is an awful sign that I’m dreading going back. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do.

please no olivia

It feels like I’m giving up and I hate that. I don’t want to give up, if there are rewards ahead, but I can’t know that at this point.

Olivia_Scared

 

https://i2.wp.com/29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhhvirvMVM1qbc0rko1_500.gif

Thin-Skinned: The Truth about Some People with Eating Disorders


I disagree whole-heartedly with the other messages of this person, but the following interview excerpt is intriguing. It falls in line with my idea that “crazy” is really feeling deeply and that TedTalk “Lessons from the Mental Hospital”.

“Women who struggle with eating disorders are what I call thin-skinned and what I mean by that is they’re very emotionally sensitive and highly intuitive.

If you’re born thin-skinned into a world that values being thick-skinned which is the culture we, the Western culture we live in today that values, oh no big deal, water off a duck’s back, doesn’t bother me, then what happens is you get this idea, oh my gosh is
something wrong with me?

And so begins the process of trying to be thick-skinned when you’re not and that’s the function of the eating disorder because it blocks your awareness of very deep, intense
emotions.

So what has to happen is they have to develop the skill set for how to be a thin-skinned person in a thick-skinned world and it is a skill set. You don’t need to change your DNA, anybody can learn it, but it does take practice and it does take being able to go some place where it’s taught.”

This is true for me and true for every girl I’ve known in treatment. It means sometimes we are oversensitive, but it also means we’ll do anything for the people that stick by us. I can’t change who I am, but maybe I can find a way to turn my character traits into positive aspects.

SometimesbecauseFringe_feelints

I’m More Sexist than I Thought?


I tend to judge Domme’s profiles as bitchy, rude, and arrogant.

I’m not sure why. My assessments may be unbiased. However, since I view almost every Domme’s profile that way, I think it is unfair. On one hand, many Domme’s seem to write in a similar style because that is what is accepted or wanted by others. I think most Financial Dommes and many pro-Dominatrixes are not genuinely kinky and maybe their writing style influences the others. On the other hand, maybe I am so suspicious they’re all Fin Dommes that I view their profiles through a lens. Another possibility is that I’m attributing the same characteristics I see as positive in Doms, as negative in Dommes because of social conditioning.

Examples…

“I am Bitch Goddess…Those that come to Me should do so on their knees, with fear and adoration in their eyes. I want to rend and tear that which is delicate, I want to rake My nails along soft flesh and leave blood filled trails, I want to look into your eyes and know that I am feared and loved above all others…”

“Come into My realm and let your self be free from the vanilla world that surround us and judge us. Now a little introduction about Myself. I love Myself and those around Me so if your lucky enough for Me to grace you with My presence then you should do whatever it takes to stay there. I have a No nonsense attitude about how I train and allow sub/slaves serve Me.”

versus

“My name is _____. I’ve been pretty heavily involved in the real world kink community within Ontario since 2008 and joined [this website] in late 2007, after hearing about it on another BDSM/Ds message board. If there’s anything you want to know about me, kink in general, or how to get the most out of [this website]…ask!”

“I am a dominant male as my profile says, I am not necessarily looking for an LTR 24/7 situation at this time, however that doesn’t mean I am not open to it if it were to work out that way. I am however always looking for playmates to enjoy, explore and expand my knowledge with. I find it far more fun enjoyable to talk to someone else about interests instead of just writing them down, so take a look at my pics and if you are interested send me a message and let’s get in touch.”

The above four examples were not a result of selection bias. They are all in their 20s or 30s, with Master or Mistress in their name from North America. Except the profiles of women who admitted they were pro-Dommes or people in relationships, these were the first profiles I came across in a quick search.

Based on this, maybe I’m not more sexist than previously thought! There is a huge difference in their tone. Sure I get presumptuous messages from men demanding I call them Master or graphic descriptions of what they want to do to me, when we’ve never spoken before, but it seems more common among the Dommes.

What do you think? Maybe they feel they have to put on a front for people to accept them as Dominant women? Maybe Dominant women tend to be like that? Maybe straight Dominant men feel the same way, but don’t feel socially able to express themselves so boldly on their general profile for fear of appearing misogynistic? Maybe Dommes have enough looking subs that they can afford to act that way, but Doms do not?

I don’t have a problem with appellations, rituals, or graphic descriptions, but I do not submit to someone I just shared a few IMs with on a kinky website. I submit to someone when they’ve earned my trust and obedience. Overly familiar or unrealistic demands and detailed stories directed at me from someone I don’t know are a huge turn off. In the right context, all these are wonderful, but not from someone (Dom or Domme) I don’t know.

If they had magical powers like a Confessor, this would not be a problem. 😉

a confess dalhia

Have you noticed a difference in tone from Doms versus Dommes? If so, what do you attribute it to? If not, what do you think I am missing?

Why Tara Maclay is My Role Model *updated Jan. 11, 2014*


“It is  hard to find positive role models today. Especially ones that you can relate too.” Erik R. Voshel

Tara doesn’t fit the same overt BAMF mold most of my favorite characters fit, but I love her! I just want to give her lots of hugs and love! She is another character that reminds me of myself, but unlike Olivia Dunham, I loved Tara from the beginning!

Tara was afraid of herself. She never really fit in. She thought she was a demon, to save other people she stayed in the background, but she persevered.

Tara_Afraid

She feels useless. I mention this because I feel the same way. While feeling useless is not good, someone who feels bad about themselves, but makes progress, is a worthy role model.

Tara_surprised

…but she totally isn’t! Tara is wiccan.

Tara_magic

Tara has style! Considering this is her first BtVS scene, her style is the first thing I noticed!

She is shy, but cute about it. Also, she overcomes her stutter. Shyness isn’t good or bad, but sometimes it is debilitating. I’m shy to, shy enough that it interferes with adaptive expression of needs/wants. Unlike below, I’m not freaking adorable about it!

Tara is kind. She embodies non-judgmental, unconditional love. She teaches the Scooby Gang how to be wise and self-compassionate.

tumblr_m02lhq0TcU1r8gsqgo3_250Tara_role model Tara_it is ok to be worried

While Tara is kind and respectful, woe unto anyone who threatens the people she loves!

tara_go through me

Her loyalty is undying. (I’m sensing a submissive vibe. 😉 Look who is on top in the second to last picture!)

She is self-sacrificing. Tara lets Glory crush her hand and destroy her mind to save Dawn.

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Tara sticks to her morals, even when it hurts.

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She beat the messages of her childhood and became an amazing woman.

… It makes me proud. It makes me love you more.”

Plus, Tara is the first positive lesbian character I remember. She and Willow helped make it okay to love who I wanted…And make an amazing lesbian couple you did, Amber Benson…

tumblr_mvnxjgCEmi1r0pbyyo6_250willowtarahug-1

I wish I was her. I’m still afraid of myself. I still hear “monster” reverberating in my mind. I don’t know if I can overcome the messages my family instilled about sexuality, intimacy, and self-worth.

The only difference is that I wasn’t lied to my whole life. She thinks she has a legitimate reason to fear herself, but she doesn’t. I do… Nonetheless, showing her deal with the messages of her childhood is powerful!

I don’t have her strength yet. I wonder if she is like me, nice because she feels she has nothing more to offer. The most common thing people say about me is that I’m “nice”, “kind”, “sweet”, “flexible”, “not argumentative”, “easy-going”. I pride myself on these attributes, but sometimes I think I’m just nice and laid back because I’m afraid no one will like me, if they see me. Tara and Nicciare the two fictional characters I identify with the most. I wish I knew more about their character development from Joss and Goodkind. Plus, I wish magic, the type of magic that makes an immediate clear impact on the physical world, existed.

*edit* How could I forget?! Amber Benson is (was?) body positive! I know there were silly haters about her body, but I think she was and is gorgeous at any size. I think her body appeared average on BtVS. By average, I do not mean average beauty; I mean average size when compared to the sickly thin, eating disordered Hollywood ideal.

First Semester of Law School as told by Felicia Day


Before the semester starts you’re excited! You think you’re opening the doors to a solid pay check and a great way to help people.

Felicia Day_satisfied smile

 

As the first day draws near, anxiety creeps in, but you remain relatively confident. After all, you’ve never really had to work hard in school.Felicia Day_start with a smile

 

After the first day, you’re upset; you’re already overwhelmed.Felicia Day_smarter than me

 

Two weeks in and things begin to unravel…

Felicia Day_don't know how to respond to that

 

But at least you have friends.

Felicia Day_it is easy to bond over hating something together

 

The weeks pass quickly. You’re getting worried. You’re further behind in reading.Felicia Day_am i a zombie now

 

Finally exams week is here! At least the end is in sight.

 

You procrastinate…

Felicia Day_i think that is why I like video games

 

then panic…

 

24 hours before exams begin you start making an effort.Things seem so pointless; you aren’t scared because you know you’ll fail.

Felicia Day_Peace out Bs

 

Right before the exam you get nervous. It turns out you do care!

Felicia Day_this is madness

 

You try to put on a brave face and take the exam.

 

You vow to study more for the next exam. You don’t. In fact, you don’t study at all.

 

Yet, you feel strangely confident before your last exam.

 

..Then you wait weeks for your grades…

 

YOU PASSED the first two classes!

 

What about the class you didn’t study for?

Felicia Day_happy danceFelicia Day_happy dance1

 

Wait, if I can pass without studying, reading, or attending 20% of the classes, what can I do if I stay on my meds and don’t give in to maladaptive behaviors?!

Welcome Back to the Roller Coaster from Hell


Yesterday was not so great. I felt like I was thrown back 7 or 8 years to paralyzing fear, emotional abuse, scarring self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Today is a wash so far. I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm.

I’m ignoring people again (I know I need to reply to some of you); I feel guilty. When I feel any negative emotion I withdraw. I realized the reason I’m not in a relationship isn’t a lack of interest or ugliness, it is because I push people away.

I also realized in order to give a relationship a chance, I need to let go of my eating disorder. The idea scared the hell out of me and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.

Will I be ready to let go at 114 lbs? I doubt it. I know from experience once I reach x weight, the acceptable goal weight lowers again.

Anger and sadness swirl in my heart, but right now they’re veiled by exhaustion-fueled apathy.

Ha, that reminds me, yesterday my mom said, “Are you going to be some weird hermit?” …Um…maybe, but when she asked the question I just spent a week with family and a night with high school friends.

Also, 1 hour until my law school grades are posted!

Law and Order: SVU Psycho/Therapist


I’m still sad Detective Rollins wasn’t kinky, since her friends were into BDSM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPtaKPA0u4c

PLEASE, oh please let there be flashbacks with new footage in the next Law and Order: SVU episode! I was disappointed by this season’s opener (Surrender Benson). The writers and producers built up so much hype and then very little happened. It was Undercover all over again. Undercover was great and on its own Surrender Benson is great, but after already doing the “Olivia-almost-raped” plot in Season 9, Undercover, and leaving Season 14 on a high-drama cliffhanger, I expected more.

Emotional Incest


2014 started out wonderfully with flashbacks of my early teen years. The times when Dad would disappear for days or months at a time without a word. I never felt safe. Things could appear normal for long stretches and then seemingly out of nowhere, Mom would come home with puffy eyes, screaming about Dad and his whore again. Last night I heard some of the same phrases I used to hear, “I’d never in a million, no billion, years want you to marry a man like your father” or “If it weren’t for you and your brother, I’d have left years ago.” Images of slamming doors, yelling, and sliding to the kitchen floor in tears after Dad stormed out of the house, raced through my mind last night…memories I thought were in the past. The things he did to her, not just cheating, are unconscionable and inexcusable. I thought I quelled the anger, but since hearing my mom last night, it’s bubbled up inside me again.

Faith_hurt the showerFaith_hurt the shower

On one hand, I told my mom years ago she had my blessing if she wanted a divorce, even if that meant years later when things seemed “okay” because I knew what he had done to her. On the other hand, over the past few years, I let the anger and fear slip out of my grasp. I let my guard down. I thought things were healing between them. So, I am sad.

Worse still, I fear the revolving door…Every time he was emotionally manipulative and/or abusive or she caught him cheating, she would swear it was the last time, this time they would get divorced. Yet, a few weeks or months later, before the final divorce papers were signed, he would come back, apologizing and promising to do better. And around and around we go… I fear the cycle restarting more than I fear their divorce.

Maybe this is why my brother never talks to us. 😦

I also fear her pain. My mom and I are close. Doctors use the word “enmeshed”. Yet, just like instances of alleged physical or verbal abuse, things are never simple. In a house with 4 bathrooms, we’ve shared a bathroom since I was 11. The change happened when they realized I was purging. For a time, we shared a bed. That is not as disturbing as it sounds. She made me sleep in her bed for a few months because she was afraid I’d hurt myself at night. I only went back to my own bed when my dad came home. Coincidentally, my most recent suicide attempt was a few weeks after my dad returned from “business” and my brother returned from school for the holidays.

The definition of emotional incest:

“Other scholars have used the term ‘enmeshment,’ ‘co-dependency,’ and ’emotional abuse’ is another related concept as well. For the sake of this short series of posts, I will use the term ’emotional incest’ because I think that if you can get past the ‘ick’ factor of the word incest, this construction is actually very descriptive.

Emotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional ‘spouse’ to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son. Here are a couple definitions, some using the term ‘covert incest’ and others using the term ’emotional incest.’

Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child.  The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development.

 

Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner.

 

This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child’s age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent. While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.

You get the idea. Emotional incest takes place when the (emotional, not sexual) relationship between a parent and a child becomes like that between two spouses, except that given the immaturity of the child the relationship is one-sided and the parent feeds off the child emotionally while the child ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the parent.” via patheos.com

Yep. That was us. I still feel responsible for her well-being. In fact, thinking about it, I remember feeling jealous, even resentful, that my brother did not feel responsible for her.

Is it still emotional incest now? Back then I was 15 – 17 years old, now I’m 23. I am an adult.

 

Sometimes I like myself


Olivia_laughing about ella

Happy 2014! I looked back through my posts to make sure there was nothing too objectionable and as I read the Evil Lawyers post, I smiled and thought, “Yes! All these GIFs are perfect! Your geekiness is awesome!”