First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

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What should I do with my life?


Ah, skipping school again. On the¬†bright side, I took my meds today. Oh, and I’m awake before 4 pm!

sunrise

I want to help people. I want to ultimately leave the world a better place than when I left it. Am I an altruist? No. I bet this comes from the same part of me that believes I’m evil, always atoning for some nameless sin. Since my motives are less than pure, I don’t think I am doing true good works. Nonetheless, I want to make a positive impact.

I despise law school. Yesterday I said I’d wait until my meds had a chance to kick-in again, but seriously this sucks!

snow_text

Jobs that have a positive impact:

  1. Justice (Prosecutor, Child advocate, Forensic psychologist)
  2. Healer (Doctor, EMT, Nurse, ultrasound technician, MHT, Therapist)
  3. Protector (Armed Forces, FBI, CIA, Police Officer, ICE, DoD)
  4. Knowledge (Researcher – Psychological, medicine, physics)
  5. The Next Generation (Teacher)

The first thing I remember wanting to do is to work for the CIA as a spy. My parents quickly discouraged that because of the danger. All of the jobs listed above are job I’ve considered. In fact, when searching for undergrad universities I looked at teaching and nursing programs. I entered undergrad as a nursing student, but shadowing students scared me away (they were doing a microbiology lab at 10:30 on a Sunday night) and I switched to psychology before Freshman year even started. Realistically, I don’t think any of the careers I listed as protectors would accept me. Theoretically, I could work on nutrition and fitness to pass their various fitness exams, but they all require in-depth psychiatric evaluations and my dad, who dealt with government agencies in the past, says they don’t take people with depression.

Scoop: Anna Torv Eyes TV Return as Jennifer Jason Leigh’s Lover in Ryan Murphy’s Open


And the only reason I’m watching Open on HBO is…Anna Torv. ūüėČ

TVLine

Anna Torv Open HBOAnna Torv is entering a new alternative universe: The former Fringe star is joining Ryan Murphy’s sex-and-relationships pilot Open as the lesbian lover of Jennifer Jason Leigh, TVLine has learned.

RELATED | 30 Actors TVLine Readers Want Back on TV Now

The provocative script, which was penned for HBO by Murphy and Dexter co-executive producer Lauren Gussis, revolves around five characters.

Torv will play Windsor, a yoga instructor in a longterm relationship with Holly (Jennifer Jason Leigh), but upon meeting Grace (casting TBD) feels an instant connection. They join the previously cast Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley.

[pmc_twitter_followme username=‚ÄĚMichaelAusiello‚ÄĚ]

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A Bad Day or A Couple of ’em


I haven’t been to school since last Thursday. As a result of MLK Jr. day and my schedule that means I only really skipped 2 days, but still… I’ve spent the last 2 days in bed. I got up after 5 pm today and maybe 4:30 pm yesterday. I have homework due at midnight. I’m obviously behind in reading. I’m miserable again I hate this! I’m doing it hoping next semester will be better, hoping I’ll like the job I eventually get, and hoping the student loans will be worth it. I’m more and more convinced I should quit. Why am I doing this to myself?

At the same time, everyone says the first year sucks and it gets better. Plus, I haven’t taken my meds in a few days. We aren’t even 2 full weeks into the semester. I can still turn things around, easily! Right now I’m telling myself I won’t make a decision until I’ve been back on my meds for a few weeks and I’m caught up in school. Otherwise, I fear I’m making a rash choice out of feeling, not reason.

I had an awful nightmare. I haven’t had nightmares in a while. I was supposed to meet with a new lab for the first day of psychology grad school in L.A. Apparently, I went to UCLA in my dream? I got lost and freaked out, then I made a wrong turn onto a broken bridge. However, I didn’t realize it was broken until it was too late to decelerate. I flew through the air, a good 200 feet above the ground. I was certain I’d die, but then 20 feet from death, I stopped. My car got lodged on a beam above the ground. I sat there, paralyzed in fear, afraid any¬† movement would destabilize me. Paramedics got there in what seemed like over a half hour and they freed me. We rushed into the hospital and they quickly took stock of my injuries. Once I was out of danger, they wheeled me to a locked psychiatric unit, even though I swore up and down that I was really just lost, that was not a suicide attempt. They said it was an eating disorder unit because my electrolytes clearly indicated I was engaging in dangerous ED behaviors. It sucked, it was worse than any psych ward I’ve experienced or even seen (I.e. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Girl, interrupted). Everyone hated me…

20 Signs You Really, Really Hate People


LOL, I don’t hate people, but I don’t enjoy being with lots of them either…Also, #16 = law school life!!!

Natalie-Kay-Es-El

1. The idea of getting your ass out of bed, dressing up and stepping out of your front door is just

Michael scott no

2. When you take public transport, you can’t help but think:

theres-too-many-people-on-this-earth-we-need-a-plague

3. You’re on your way to meet a friend and then you get a text from her saying she’s brought a tag-along.

This is your reaction:

dont need another friend

4. You find yourself praying that plans get cancelled all the time.

cancelling plans

5. When you get invited to a house party, you pray to God they’ve got a pet so you can act busy and not interact with actual human beings.

6. When people tap you on the shoulder, or try to do that cheek-kissy thing that white people love, or touch you in any way:

you-dont-know-me-like-that

7. When someone whips out a camera and everyone squeals in delight, you’re just like:

Robert Downey Jr Pained Photo Taking

8. You loovvvveee the internet. And the invention of mobile phones…

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Controlling the Curse


I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative¬†dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?

Frozen_so much fear

There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person

Frozen_Conceal Don't Feel

2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person Frozen_you're not safe here

3. I’m worthless.¬†Even if, by some miracle, someone¬†fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.

Frozen_the cold never bothered me anyway

4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.

Frozen_can't be free

5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. Frozen_no escaping the storm inside

6. Opening myself emotionally is dangerous and scary.

Frozen_love will thaw

7. I’m incapable of trust. 8. Premarital sex is wrong and I’m bad for considering it.

Frozen_be the good girl

9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I¬†believe her)¬†10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

Frozen_can't control the curse

or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…

I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or 3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I¬†believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.

2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.

3. Ehh, I’m almost positive I don’t believe this.

4. I suppose this is possible, but…

I wish I had Elsa’s attitude here

How we Measure Progress


I belong to a pro-ana Facebook group. Give or take a few girls leaving for recovery, the same 50 girls have belonged to the group for over 2 years. One of my best friends there asked how I was doing because I hadn’t posted in a while. I told them about school, coming out, and my weight. The overwhelming response?

“WOW, you’re doing so well!”

Not surprising from a bunch of eating disordered girls. But it got me thinking about priorities. Is this, our weight, really the most important measure of our worth or success? I would like to say no.Fringe_its all just nubmers

It makes me sad that we put so much emphasis on our appearance. Let’s see… I almost killed myself more than once last semester, I cried¬†– a lot, I was almost involuntarily hospitalized, I barely passed my classes, I rarely attended class or read material, and I lost my scholarship…but WOW, you lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time!!

Why does it always have to be about looks

Maybe it is because we hate everything about ourselves and our weight is at least something we can change, whereas other things are relatively immutable like intelligence.