Meh just a self-loathing day


I’m on edge today. I almost didn’t go to class because I skipped this class yesterday and I felt awkward. I know the longer I skip a class, the more awkward the return will be. Thankfully, I did go. However, I felt like cutting not long into class because the professor emphasized the importance of turning in polished work that is the product of multiple drafts. I never do more than one draft (hence, my C+ last semester). I feel guilty for procrastinating to such an awful degree.

I feel pathetic because I had a dream where I looked at myself in a mirror and said over and over, “You’re fat.” Wow, you know something is deep-seated when you dream about it! I used to have dreams about treatment. Also, while fasting I had dreams about eating and I always woke up terrified that I’d binged at night!

I might be going out to dinner with the doctor. However, he hasn’t replied about when or where. I’m sure that is making me more anxious. I rarely wear make-up, but I’m wearing it today and I forgot lipstick. HAHAHA, I know in the scheme of things, even the scheme of things within my ordinary life, that is a very small problem. I don’t know, I just feel fat. Granted, I’m on my period, but that also makes me feel fat! Thanks to ED, I rarely have periods more than 2 or 3 times a year. So, periods make me feel fat both because they cause bloat and because it proves I’m “bad” aka not malnourished enough for my body to decide attempting to carry a child is fruitless. Ironically, it is Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I don’t like awareness campaigns. First of all, I don’t want anyone around me who doesn’t know about ED to get suspicious. Second, I think they rarely help. Most articles about EDs inadvertently give tips or expose people to new behaviors.

annoyed buffy

Yeah, sorry there is no real point to this post. I’m just especially self-hating today. And *laughs bitterly* I’m supposed to go eat dinner with someone I like! OH and I forgot to change my earrings. So, I’m wearing mismatching studs.

I want someone to hurt me. Another form of self-injury? Yes. However, I think there is more to it. The idea just occurred to me: if someone is non-consensually hurting me, I am a better person than they are…So, maybe consensual S&M causes a similar feeling? I know I feel proud of the amount of physical pain I can endure. Similarly, I feel superior to other “weak” people when I starve because I can starve myself and they are greedy pigs. (I am well aware this is disordered!) Cutting doesn’t hold any superiority complex. I think, for me, masochism is a self-esteem booster, just like ED. I don’t like all the parallels I’m seeing. Perhaps I’m making them up. Perhaps as everyone keeps saying I should just let my fears go and let myself enjoy what I like… The problem is I’m scared. When I’m sick, I like my eating disorder. So, liking BDSM is not proof that it is not sick for me. At the same time, when I switch from one symptom (ED, SI, BDSM) to another, the other 2 fade away. Maybe BDSM is the lesser of 3 evils? ED kills you and makes you unable to function. SI causes scars and potentially death. Giving someone else control of pain is probably less damaging than my self-inflicted wounds. In fact, I’m positive the harm I do to myself in anger, sadness, or anxiety is worse than what any non-psychopathic sadist would sanely do. I say sanely because the things I’ve done to myself could and have ended in hospital stays. The law here is that people cannot consent to “serious physical injury”, which  means physical injury that creates a substantial risk of death or that causes serious disfigurement or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any part of the body. A number of things I’ve done to myself are in that category. Therefore, a safe and sane sadist would most likely do less damage than I do to myself.

Plus, EDs make relationships almost impossible, with BDSM I can have a trusting, loving relationship. SI is addictive. I suppose BDSM maybe addictive in the same way, but I I’m not in control, that won’t matter.

but, but, but…If it is a maladaptive coping mechanism or another expression of self-hate, can that ever be healthy?

*SCREAMS INTERNALLY* I know I keep asking the same question over and over again. That is because it all boils down to the same problem. Can I ever answer it???

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6 thoughts on “Meh just a self-loathing day

  1. You know, it’ll seem like I stalk your blog because I am all over it, but I really had to reply to this one.

    First, breathe. I have these days too. In fact, I feel bloated today for no apparent reason (I am not anywhere near my period). You know and I know that it’s a bad day and you need to just slowly try to get through the day.

    I feel like a hypocrite, but don’t self-injure, yeah? I see how bad a frame of mind I was in the other day, and you helped me.

    The other thing is, you don’t have to answer these questions immediately. If you think BDSM is a maladaptive coping mechanism, then you should try to live vanilla (I couldn’t imagine doing that, though). However, I will say this, ED and SI harm you in a much worse way. From whatever little I’ve read on other blogs, with BDSM, the extent of pain/hurt (for us masochists) is in someone else’s hands, and if that person is a good D-type, we connect that pain in a sexual setting and it remains limited to that.

    Mismatched studs are cool and you know it. Don’t stress over the dinner. The doc will call and tell you when and where. If we focus on your papers, you could try finishing them early (but I just suck at that, so I am not going to say anything else).

    For now, I need you to breathe and just go to your mental happy place. You can, for the time being, avoid everything else (this is my maladaptive coping mechanism 😛 )

    • Hahaha, NO you’re awesome! Stalk away! 🙂

      You’re right mind-twin.

      I did try, it didn’t work. But could it still be a maladaptive coping mechanism AND my sexuality? If it is, what the hell do I do then?

      Ha, really? I didn’t know that. :p Mostly it happens when I’m lazy.

      Lol, obviously, same here. I wish I sucked less at it though!

      OK, I can do that. Thanks. It is crazy what some well reasoned reply can accomplish 🙂

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