Awful Morning


I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

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NOOOO!!!!


I’m not in love. I KNOW that. However, I sense my feelings slipping. As much as I like someone else to take control in various areas of my life, I detest not being able to control my emotions!

Angel_weak

I find my fantasies changing from faceless amoral kidnappers, to him. Of course, there is still violence, but it is different. There is less of the foolhardy kind I can indulge in the safety of my mind and more of the safe and sane kind. Worse still I find my fantasies sometimes revolving around the future, like kids and normal family things. I had a tough time sleeping last night.

Angel_humanity

I know I am not in love. It is impossible. I am in lust. As I said earlier, I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and it terrifies me. I want to reign in my emotions. I can see getting too close and feel my heart breaking. I’m afraid.

This sucks! I want so badly to fall in love, have that deep connection with someone, and grow old together. At the same time, I’m scared to let myself be emotionally dependent on someone, to be too enamored, and then they’ll leave and I’ll be bereft. ugh people red orange is the new black

At the same time, I am afraid this feeling will fade. In fact, from other’s descriptions, I believe it will fade. Yet, I fear it will not be replaced with whatever affection keeps people in long-term relationships going. I know he isn’t the only person in the world, but in terms of necessary qualities for a spouse, he is damn near perfect in every  important way.

On the bright side, I told him about self-injury and he didn’t seem too fazed.

*edit* I asked him why he wasn’t bothered by the SI. His response was incredible. I’ve never had a more understanding response, except from people who also self-injure. Quoting this will remove all doubt of my identity if he ever reads this blog, which would be unfortunate because depression and ED are still hidden. However, there is already more than enough here to identify me to someone who knows me personally.

“It’s not that it was something anyone wants their sub doing, but I’m realistic and understand that going through the normal struggles of life, plus your innate desires for pain, plus having to cope with accepting this side of yourself was a huge pressure, and that happens. There are plenty of angsty teens who cut without having to deal with the latter two pressures. You’re only human.”

Tara_surprised

Dinner with the Doc


It was great! We talked for 3 and a half hours this time. He made it clear he wants to see me again. Also, he paid for dinner. I wasn’t expecting that because to me this wasn’t a date yet. He didn’t pick me up anywhere; we met at the restaurant. However, I associate men paying for things with dates. So, now I’m confused…

baelish confused

He is being patient, which I love. We haven’t even touched. Or maybe I’m just used to lecherous men. 😉

You Already Have Too Many Labels


I broached the topic of Avoidant and Dependent personality disorders with my psychiatrist and he agreed with me! In fact on some of the criteria I said I wasn’t sure whether they fit, he laughed and gave examples! dean supernatural facepalm

So, then I asked him why he never told me. He said some people are simple and they only have a personality disorder (or 2) and in that case he would diagnose them with a personality disorder. However, when there are multiple issues that need to be addressed, such as my eating disorder and depression, he diagnoses people with them because insurance doesn’t pay for personality disorder treatment. Plus, there is a lot of stigma around personality disorders, worse than other mental illnesses. So, it is better not to have it in my medical charts. I didn’t ask him about depressive or masochistic personality disorders because the DSM no longer uses them as diagnoses.

Also, I brought it up with my mom because psychoanalysis is not exactly the standard treatment for personality disorders. She didn’t care about it, but suggested I could bring up seeing a CBT therapist on the side. The interesting thing is she thinks my dad is avoidant. So, maybe it is genetic or learned. However, she also pointed out that I was gregarious until I was 4 years old and then something changed. She said anxiety dampens my personality, which makes her sad. She also said she knew the ability to be confident and outgoing was inside me, I just lost it somehow and became scared of people.