Awful Morning

I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

16 thoughts on “Awful Morning

  1. Are you ok? I’m a bit concerned because I haven’t read nor seen anything from you since March 5th. Today is the 16th. I haven’t seen any activity from you on the internet since March 5th. Can somebody tell me if she’s ok? Or at least ok enough or safe enough?

    I know I’ve never commented on your blog. But I want you to know that you’re the one who lead me to wordpress. If you want to know how, email me because I need it to stay private and I think you will want it to stay between us too.

    • Hi love, Thanks for checking in! You’re sweet. I can email you. I’m planning on changing my comment settings so that the one person I know irl can tell people I’m ok if I do this again. :/

      • Hi. Sorry that I’ve fallen off the face of WordPress. I still would like you to email me, if you feel comfortable doing so. I’d like to reconnect. Though I’m pretty sure you have no idea who I am. Actually- do you have an idea? A simple yes or a simple no will be enough on Hope you’re doing a bit better now. I’ve read your last two entries. Sorry ’bout the doc. I’m glad you’re taking a leave of absence from school. You really needed it. K, email me or whatnot.

  2. Mind twin, please feel better.

    Look, we all have things to do. You take them one by one and you do them. I know it’s difficult, I know the horrible feeling in the chest about everything that could go wrong, but we have to do it, right?

    Please don’t consider suicide. Now you have people around the world who will be affected by it, so I am going to be selfish and say that for my sanity, please do not consider it.

    I know that we focus on our shortcomings, it’s how we keep ourselves feel like everything that happens around us is our fault. But, it isn’t. We can fix whatever little we can.

    You don’t have to be guilty about having sex. It is what it is. You have hormones, you have needs – it’s biology. There is absolutely nothing shameful about it. I am horny all the time. What’s a girl to do?

    Cry it out if it makes you feel better. It helps me, when I can manage to cry. I’m here if you need to talk.

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