Meh just a self-loathing day


I’m on edge today. I almost didn’t go to class because I skipped this class yesterday and I felt awkward. I know the longer I skip a class, the more awkward the return will be. Thankfully, I did go. However, I felt like cutting not long into class because the professor emphasized the importance of turning in polished work that is the product of multiple drafts. I never do more than one draft (hence, my C+ last semester). I feel guilty for procrastinating to such an awful degree.

I feel pathetic because I had a dream where I looked at myself in a mirror and said over and over, “You’re fat.” Wow, you know something is deep-seated when you dream about it! I used to have dreams about treatment. Also, while fasting I had dreams about eating and I always woke up terrified that I’d binged at night!

I might be going out to dinner with the doctor. However, he hasn’t replied about when or where. I’m sure that is making me more anxious. I rarely wear make-up, but I’m wearing it today and I forgot lipstick. HAHAHA, I know in the scheme of things, even the scheme of things within my ordinary life, that is a very small problem. I don’t know, I just feel fat. Granted, I’m on my period, but that also makes me feel fat! Thanks to ED, I rarely have periods more than 2 or 3 times a year. So, periods make me feel fat both because they cause bloat and because it proves I’m “bad” aka not malnourished enough for my body to decide attempting to carry a child is fruitless. Ironically, it is Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I don’t like awareness campaigns. First of all, I don’t want anyone around me who doesn’t know about ED to get suspicious. Second, I think they rarely help. Most articles about EDs inadvertently give tips or expose people to new behaviors.

annoyed buffy

Yeah, sorry there is no real point to this post. I’m just especially self-hating today. And *laughs bitterly* I’m supposed to go eat dinner with someone I like! OH and I forgot to change my earrings. So, I’m wearing mismatching studs.

I want someone to hurt me. Another form of self-injury? Yes. However, I think there is more to it. The idea just occurred to me: if someone is non-consensually hurting me, I am a better person than they are…So, maybe consensual S&M causes a similar feeling? I know I feel proud of the amount of physical pain I can endure. Similarly, I feel superior to other “weak” people when I starve because I can starve myself and they are greedy pigs. (I am well aware this is disordered!) Cutting doesn’t hold any superiority complex. I think, for me, masochism is a self-esteem booster, just like ED. I don’t like all the parallels I’m seeing. Perhaps I’m making them up. Perhaps as everyone keeps saying I should just let my fears go and let myself enjoy what I like… The problem is I’m scared. When I’m sick, I like my eating disorder. So, liking BDSM is not proof that it is not sick for me. At the same time, when I switch from one symptom (ED, SI, BDSM) to another, the other 2 fade away. Maybe BDSM is the lesser of 3 evils? ED kills you and makes you unable to function. SI causes scars and potentially death. Giving someone else control of pain is probably less damaging than my self-inflicted wounds. In fact, I’m positive the harm I do to myself in anger, sadness, or anxiety is worse than what any non-psychopathic sadist would sanely do. I say sanely because the things I’ve done to myself could and have ended in hospital stays. The law here is that people cannot consent to “serious physical injury”, which  means physical injury that creates a substantial risk of death or that causes serious disfigurement or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any part of the body. A number of things I’ve done to myself are in that category. Therefore, a safe and sane sadist would most likely do less damage than I do to myself.

Plus, EDs make relationships almost impossible, with BDSM I can have a trusting, loving relationship. SI is addictive. I suppose BDSM maybe addictive in the same way, but I I’m not in control, that won’t matter.

but, but, but…If it is a maladaptive coping mechanism or another expression of self-hate, can that ever be healthy?

*SCREAMS INTERNALLY* I know I keep asking the same question over and over again. That is because it all boils down to the same problem. Can I ever answer it???

Blah Blah Woof Woof


Ah, repetition… I’ve texted back and forth with the same guy the past few days. He wants to get together again and I do to. I really like him. It scares the hell out of me. I’m not stupid, I know it isn’t love. It could be lust, but I don’t think so. It is different from the feeling when I just want someone’s body. That sounds callous, doesn’t it? C’est la vie. What else is there to judge a stranger by?

Callous and strange

I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I want him. AND I DON’T LIKE IT. I don’t like it because good feelings don’t last and the better the feeling, the harder the fall. I’m emotionally vulnerable and I barely know him! What happens if I spend more time with him? The feeling might wither and I’ll be safe or it will get stronger and I’ll be weaker.

To Die or Not to Die


**TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDAL IDEATION**

That is the question. I would have killed myself last night, except if I attempt suicide again, I need to be 100% sure I won’t wake up in the hospital again and that is tough to ensure with the methods available to me on an impulse.

I talked to my mom about whether or not to quit law school. Before the conversation I was fine, during and after the conversation I was suicidal. I was not suicidal because of law school. This has never been about law school. In the end, it is about me. The urges began when Mom admitted something to me… She is frustrated and she has been frustrated for years because she is sick and tired of the crises I manufacture for myself and my enumerated character flaws. She said she was sick of me all four years of undergrad and she almost didn’t want me to go to graduate school because I’m too emotionally weak. She is tired of mental illness and seeing me shoot myself in the foot. The facts don’t bother me. I know I am weak. I know I forge the shackles that hobble me with my own mind. I know the only thing holding me back is me. I know I have plenty of character flaws. I know I sabotage my own success. Her words hurt because she is the main reason I abjure suicide. I stay because I know what my suicide would do to her. There are other reasons like the rest of my family and friends and a lingering fear of hell. However, I believe everyone else would get over it with time. I am afraid of hell for suicide or for any of the innumerable ways I fall short as a human being, but sometimes I think I deserve hell. Furthermore, a large chunk of me thinks there is no hell or God wouldn’t damn me specifically for suicide. My mom is the only person I am certain would not recover from my suicide. Everyone else would move on.

So, when she said she was frustrated and sick of me and my problems…My first thought was that I could easily remove the source of her anger. The past two times I did not write suicide notes. This time I would. In essence, I’m doing it for them, for everyone. There maybe sadness and anger, but there won’t be any more fear, worry, frustration, disappointment, sadness, or anger. That will be the end of my story. She won’t have to worry about whether I’m eating or sleeping or going to class. She can do whatever she wants because she won’t have to worry about me being alone when I’m struggling. If I finish what I started 11 years ago, everyone else will have a better life with me gone. All I do is cause hurt and chaos. Ah hell, GOD started it 23 years ago. Everyone knows I shouldn’t have survived. I contribute nothing positive, or at least not nearly enough positive things to outweigh all the negatives.

My existence only causes heartache. Could I change that? Theoretically, but as my mom said last night, what makes me think I will change? I can say I’ll do better all I want, but so far, I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Therefore, I have no logical reason to believe I will be a better person in the future. I always say I’ll do better, I’ll be better, and I’ll try harder. But I am never enough and I never will be. There is no point in prolonging their suffering.

Ironically, I don’t want to die.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Yet, I am an unwelcome burden on the people I love and I cannot abide by that. I say unwelcome because while I would feel guilty if I had ALS and my family members cared for me as my health declined, I would not be suicidal if they wanted me around, while I could still draw breath.       Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

But no one does, not really. Sure people would say flowery words, claiming they miss me, but actions speak louder than words. As I said, I admit there would be initial grief and I regret that, but everyone (except perhaps Mom) has their own, separate, vibrant, full life. Taking me out of the equation will not hinder them in the long run. They don’t need me now; so, postmortem platitudes are just that…Empty words. They’ll go back to school, work, family, loved ones, and heal. As I live, all I do is compound the pain. If I die, it would hurt them for a while, but that would be the end of their burden.

I would need to somehow assuage guilt. That is the toughest part. I am capable of killing myself (provided I am uninterrupted) for sure. The worst possible outcome would be interruption and brain damage. I can make sure I am uninterrupted though. Teenage me didn’t think about the interruption part. I expected I’d fall asleep and no one would notice until it was too late. Apparently, I stayed conscious and obviously drugged. No more mistakes. I am certain grief will heal and they’ll experience less pain overall. I have no dependents to worry about. The afterlife will be whatever it is… The only remaining problem is I know suicide makes people feel guilty and guilt can be tougher to overcome than grief. It can tear people apart and I don’t want that.

I know everything in my life, including my death, should I chose it, is my fault and if they could see it rationally they would understand they couldn’t make a difference. However, I of all people, know emotions are not rational. The only way to solve the problem is writing very thorough notes or deciding the risk of guilt is less than the continued pain caused by my presence.

Speaking of my presence, I said I didn’t want to die, but I can’t just disappear to remove my influence because then they will always wonder what happened to me. I imagine that gnawing hole would be worse than my annoyance. A dead body puts that question to rest.

This is all awful because I don’t actually want to die. As much as my loved ones try to understand, they blame me for my shortcomings.

Buffy_dou think I chose to be like this

Last night I paraphrased the above GIF saying, “Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you think I do this on purpose? Do you think I want to make the same mistakes over and over again? Do you think I want to be miserable?!?” She sort of understood what I was saying, but correctly dismissed it. They rightfully blame me. After all, I do make excuses. As my Mom said last night, my failures aren’t from some magical mental illness I can’t control; I let myself be weak and I dodge blame saying I can’t help it. That isn’t true. I can help it, but I won’t. There is something wrong with me because I don’t have the willpower to do things for myself. I’m motivated by pleasing others. I will go through hell for other people, but getting out of bed in the morning for my own gratification feels impossible. I am capable of it, but unless someone else has the expectation that I get out of bed and they’ll know if I don’t get out of bed, and I care about them, I will stay in bed all day.

Buffy_it's hard it's painful and it's everyday

I tried to tell her that while technically I made choices, which led to outcomes I disliked, and technically I have the ability to make different choices, things are not so black and white. Buffy_not that simple

Why would anyone chose this? They would not!! At the same time… she is right. The simple truth is: I am too weak. I could / would / should do a lot…but I’m too weak emotionally.

Buffy_no control just pain

It feels like internal chaos. In reality, I hold the reigns; I can do better. I am simply not strong enough.

Buffy_sleepwalk through life

She said there is no point in doing the bare minimum again and barely passing. It is a waste of time, effort, anguish, and money. That is so true. Nonetheless, part of me holds out hope that I can finish the semester and give new classes a chance. She is correct. I’m foolish. As always, I’m telling myself what I want to hear, but doing nothing to create change.
Buffy_too much for me want it to be over

*breathes deeply* I cried while typing this, big surprise… *sigh* For now I’m trying to persevere. Buffy_moment by moment

But then I think… I’m just kidding myself. I am nothing. I am no one. I am a moment in eternity. I am a red dwarf in a sky full of blazing suns. I could better myself, but I don’t have the energy, the willpower. At least if I died in the next 24 hours, my mom would get 70% of this semester’s tuition back.

I can’t withdraw because that admits defeat and stagnation. Also, as I already said, as boring as I find the material, this all comes down to me and nothing about my circumstances. Plus, quitting dooms me to a lifetime of worrying other people. So, I stay and pass or I kill myself. Doing it sooner rather than later means my family gets some money. So, am I reducing the value of my life to about $9,500? I guess so. That seems callous, but I believe it is worth less than that.

*laughs bitterly* Now I am frustrated! I still don’t want to die. There are places I want to see and things I want to experience, but they come at the cost of other people’s happiness. I feel sad; my heart is heavy.

I won’t kill myself, unless on impulse because some small part of me knows even though I can’t fathom it at the moment, my suicide would hurt the people I care about more than I can imagine.

Here is to spending the next 2 hours reading for a class I think I may have already failed because I missed too much class. I may have miscalculated the number of allowed absences because I forgot to take the credit hour change into account. Although my classes are all the same as last semester, their respective number of hours changed this semester and the maximum allowed absences is a function of how many hours a class is worth.

I guess in the interim, I’ll make do with imagining violence happening to me. (…which is why I fear masochism is an outlet of self-loathing…but then it is the only way I am aroused…but then this is clearly related…Ugh, FAIL…)

Dean_Supernatural_stabbing you in my mind

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Psychosomatic Mental Illness?!


Don’t get the stake and pitchforks yet! I’m not saying everyone imagines mental illness. I’ve seen plenty of brain scans, which show otherwise. Plus, I realize psychosomatic refers to physical symptoms arising from emotional or mental issues, not physical causes. Therefore my use of the word is technically incorrect. Nonetheless…

Despite my swing from positive to negative in minutes yesterday, apparently I was more serious than I realized. Last night I told my mom a little about my ED relapse, including that I think I should go back on a meal plan. To her credit, for once, she did not automatically suggest a higher level of care. At the moment, it is unnecessary, but usually when she learns I’m using ED behaviors she says, “Do you want to end up hospitalized?”

However, ever since I told her, I feel like crawling out of my skin! I feel 1,000x more uncomfortable in my body! Realistically, nothing changed; no matter how much “accountability” she provides, we both know she can’t stop my behaviors. Yet for some reason, that one act of defiance (of ED) is terrifying me. Logically, I know my body didn’t grow overnight, but I feel monstrous! I feel more fat and repulsive than usual. It is as if defying ED and reaching out focused my attention all the more on my body/ how I experience being inside my body.

Plus, food instantly became scarier. I struggled to eat breakfast, whereas last weekend I was fine. I’m almost always okay on weekends because even though I eat more than I want to, I know I “have to” in order to keep up appearances. However, this morning I didn’t want to eat. In fact, now I feel like crying. …Hahaha, I talk so much about crying, but I rarely break down in tears in real life >.< …

The last time I cried over eating food was as a senior in high school.  I think it was September and the school year started in August. For a few weeks I went to school in the morning and returned to treatment for lunch, PM snack, and dinner. This was my first full day back at school. I sat alone in the locker room, staring at my lunch. With a heavy sigh, I opened an applesauce cup and dipped my spoon in it. Then I started crying. It is difficult to describe the fear an eating disorder creates. We know we need food to survive. We know most people, given the opportunity, eat every day, more than once a day! But when we look at food we see all our shortcomings manifested. Taking a bite equals admitting or giving into our weakness. It means magically expanding fat cells and everyone you love turning against you because food will make you so hideous that no one can stand to be around you. Food is the enemy; it horrifies you. I literally had nightmares about eating. Eating causes a huge spike of anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. This disease is one thing you’re good at; one thing you can do right. After all, despite your teachers and parents insisting you’re smart and capable, you know the truth. You know you’re inadequate and you’re terrified if you eat, they will finally see the monster you see in the mirror. Illogical? Yes. Insane? Yes. Irrational? Of course. But the feelings and thoughts are as real to you as your grief at your grandmother’s funeral.

Right now, I’m a tight knot of dread and misgivings. I feel nauseous and bloated. I want out of my body.

And why? Just because I committed the cardinal sin, I admitted my human weakness and asked for help. There are a million eating disorder blogs on the internet; it may seem like we’re fine with expressing emotion and needs, but there is a huge difference between anonymously ranting online and using your words to ask someone in your life for help.

Now off to try to kill the other law students with studying…

willow_fake smile

…I lied, one more thing:

Remember how I said when we eat, we imagine we’ll immediately gain weight? I meant it. In my first week of inpatient treatment, I felt my clothes get tighter on my body. I saw my body getting larger in the mirror. If someone wanted to bet me that I wasn’t gaining weight, I would laugh in their face and agree to a million dollar bet. I was at “fat camp”, on a weight gain meal plan and I could see and feel the differences! However, I would be a million dollars in debt because a few days later they put me back on bathroom monitoring. Apparently, I lost weight in my first 2 weeks and they thought I purged in the bathroom. So, while I was sick, not only did my mind whisper lies in my ears and my emotions skyrocket, but also my perception of reality was skewed. My clothes felt tighter on my body and I saw myself gain weight because I believed that was what was happening.

Perhaps the fact that it is happening again is a testament to this being a real relapse? I don’t know because I call these  blips relapses, but it always gets better before I get too sick and even as my least disordered, the thoughts are still in my head. They never left. Therefore, have I ever been in recovery?

Oh, for the record, I was not purging. I was hypermetabolic, a state of increased metabolic rate, usually in response to a significant bodily injury. Sometimes when malnourished people, in starvation mode, begin re-feeding (FYI, a normal or even overweight person can be malnourished! Health is not simply calories consumed, it also quality.) their metabolism re-boots when it gets adequate calories again and it revs up before settling to a normal level. It is a terrible irony for re-feeding anorexics or underweight bulimics because the treatment team gives you a high weight gain meal plan to begin with and then your body makes it doubly hard to gain weight with hypermetabolism. I was lucky, my metabolism calmed down in a month. I knew some girls forced to eat 5,000 – 6,000 calories PER DAY for months and they still struggled to gain weight. It might sound wonderful, eat all you want and don’t gain weight! But it is hell when you’re used to only eating small amounts or throwing up larger amount of food. I remember times when I honestly thought my stomach would burst because it hurt so badly (Yes, anyone’s stomach can burst from too much consumption). Your body acclimated to less food and even got used to regurgitating after large intake. It is uncomfortable to eat and keep down a normal sized meal, much less a menu that would satisfy a 300 lbs football player! In that regard, even normal weight or overweight bulimics struggling in treatment because even though they don’t have to gain weight, they may not be used to keeping normal-sized meals down; therefore, it is physically painful.

First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

How we Measure Progress


I belong to a pro-ana Facebook group. Give or take a few girls leaving for recovery, the same 50 girls have belonged to the group for over 2 years. One of my best friends there asked how I was doing because I hadn’t posted in a while. I told them about school, coming out, and my weight. The overwhelming response?

“WOW, you’re doing so well!”

Not surprising from a bunch of eating disordered girls. But it got me thinking about priorities. Is this, our weight, really the most important measure of our worth or success? I would like to say no.Fringe_its all just nubmers

It makes me sad that we put so much emphasis on our appearance. Let’s see… I almost killed myself more than once last semester, I cried – a lot, I was almost involuntarily hospitalized, I barely passed my classes, I rarely attended class or read material, and I lost my scholarship…but WOW, you lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time!!

Why does it always have to be about looks

Maybe it is because we hate everything about ourselves and our weight is at least something we can change, whereas other things are relatively immutable like intelligence.

When your cousin offers to go to a munch


with you…

buffy willow hug

This just keeps getting more and more interesting. At this rate, the kinksters will outnumber the vanilla people in this family.

Screw Writing Strong Women


Complicated women3 women who kick asswomen who cry women who want but don't need

The OP makes a wonderful point! Writers should create real women! They should also write real men. Human beings are complicated. It really hit home for me because I realized I sometimes judge unfairly. For example, while re-reading Legend of the Seeker, all the difficult, stressful events Kahlan faced struck me. Maybe she cries a lot and maybe there are other women in the story who are in similar situations and do not cry, but no other woman in the series had the same burden. Kahlan essentially ruled numerous countries and felt responsible for the people of all those nations. Furthermore, she was the last of her kind, Confessors. Kahlan and other women like Olivia can be strong, powerful, and brave, even while crying.

One of the best things about Game of Thrones is that the characters, women included, are complicated! They neither “good” nor “bad”. They are a mixture; they are human. They have weaknesses and strengths. Sometimes they do “the right thing”, but not always. In contrast, Richard Cypher/ Rahl is almost perfect. I’m having difficulty thinking of a time when he made a mistake or did the immoral thing. The only event that comes to mind from 14 about 1,000 page books is when he felt betrayed by Kahlan for enjoying sex when she thought it was his brother. While I can understand why he felt betrayed, he almost refused to return to the land of the living! First of all, the sex wasn’t with Drefan, it was with him. Who knows if she would be aroused by him. Second, she did not enjoy it. She equated it to rape. Third, she had no choice. She detested the first time, but acquiesced because the spirits demanded it. She waited for the spirits to come take Richard to the Temple of the Winds. When they did not, she realized she had to enjoy it. So, she worked to get over her mental block (losing her “virginity” to Drefan, not Richard/ having sex with anyone other than Richard) and did what she needed to, in order to climax. If she hadn’t, the spirits would never open the door for Richard to the Temple of the Winds. Fourth, people have involuntary physical reactions to stimuli. So, while I think he had the right to be angry, I think he did not fairly look at the situation and her predicament.

In fact, one of my favorite characters in the Whedonverse is the one who changed the most over their series: Spike. He went from pure evil, to starting to care about Buffy, to attempting to rape her, to recognizing his soullessness, to being the one person Buffy turns to when she is alone, and finally (in Buffy) to sacrificing himself to save the others. Even at his best, Spike it not one-dimensional. He has quirks, flaws, and positive attributes.

I know many of you write fanfiction and some of you want to write your own stories. Please write complicated women and men and don’t lose a character’s humanity while trying to defy stereotypes.

Pictures and original post via http://wildheart71.tumblr.com/post/67892540097/screw-writing-strong-women-write

Thankfulness and Sarah Michelle Gellar


My grandma told me for years to think of something your grateful for every day. I decided to give it a try after reading “How a Year of ‘Grateful’ Facebook Posts Changed This Woman’s Life” on Yahoo. Haha, oops…

Don’t worry in the future, I’ll tack them on the end of posts. I won’t add an extra post to your dash every day!

Day 1: I’m grateful for my sister-in-law because she never treated me differently after various problems. She isn’t blood (and therefore “obligated” to deal with me), but she knows my score and accepts and loves me anyway. At their wedding reception I told her I already considered her family because she’d been through so much with me and was always….human. Not everyone is understanding and I’m lucky my brother found a compassionate, amazing, girl! Happy 1 year and 3 month anniversary guys!

buffywillowtacklehug

 

While searching for a proper hug GIF for this post, I found a GIF of Sarah Michelle Gellar at The People’s Choice Awards this year! It made me smile and it fits the theme of the post!

SMG thanks buffy fans Source: Jarett Wieselman

Et tu, Tara?! or Only Broken People Submit


So much for Tara’s submissiveness being a good thing or even neutral. willow suprised

I re-watched “Family” yesterday. More love to Tara! *hugs fictional character tightly*

In combination with instances like this

Tara_I am you know. Yours

I think her general demeanor shows Tara is submissive. However, as usual in mainstream TV, it is not healthy for her. Buffy has a sadomasochistic relationship with Spike, but it is also unhealthy. Furthermore, it culminates in Spike attempting to rape Buffy. Back to Tara…

Tara’s family finds her in Sunnydale. Clearly, she is afraid of them. It turns out (I assume you’ve realized by now, my blog is full of spoilers for my fandoms, stop now if you don’t want to know what happens!) her family lied to her about the origins of her magic. They told her it came from being half-demon and her entire childhood they emotionally abused her, berating her, terrifying her, and feeding her self-loathing. Her male family members, especially her father, are obviously dominant. For Tara it seems her self-consciousness and fear of herself translated into a shy, quiet, easygoing, submissive demeanor. Her female cousin implores her to return saying Tara is selfish because with her gone, her father and brother must take care of the house by themselves. Her dad says demeaning things like, “I won’t be threatened by two little girls.” Her brother threatens her with violence. Earlier Tara even responded to an order with “Yes, Sir.”

Her submissive nature stems from childhood emotional abuse. This episode occurred in the 5th season. From then on, until her untimely, tragic, death in season 6, she becomes less and less submissive and more outspoken.

To me, her character background, coupled with her character arc, implies submission is for broken, wounded, scared people. Once they conquer their fear, they will no longer be submissive.

Do you think Tara is submissive? If not, why not? If you do, do you think my interpretation of Tara’s submission is correct? If not, why not? If so, do you think it was intentional?

On Super Powers


This GIF  got me thinking…As much as I adore bad asses with magic or science so advanced it looks like magic, some of the most heroic people in the fictional worlds the aforementioned characters come from, are the people without super powers.

Case in point, in the above GIF, Xander Harris confronts Dark Willow. Willow is a powerful, extremely angry, revenge and grief motivated Wiccan trying to destroy the world. Xander is her childhood friend with no super-human ability whatsoever. Yet, he confronts her. One could argue if he had not confronted her, he would die anyway. Therefore, his actions were not heroic, they were self-preserving. However, he risks his life countless times for his friends and innocent people. Unlike Willow’s magic or Buffy’s super strength, Xander has no supernatural help when fighting monsters. Although they all risk death, Xander has no extra weapon. He is more vulnerable. As a result, he risks more than the others each time he fight evil. Yay Xander (and other non-gifted, normal, but brave humans)!

Xander_snoopy dance

My Worth or Lack Thereof


I’m feeling worthless today. I’m not really sure why. The only salient “reasons” I can think of are I overslept by 3 hours, last night I went into the study and apparently my parents still have those damn print outs of IMs from when I was 13-14, I’m considering prostitution again, I don’t feel like going to therapy even though I’ve skipped for weeks and deserve firing as a patient and I’m contemplating skipping again. Also, my fantasies literally made me sick to my stomach last night.

1. I feel guilty about oversleeping because it meant I did not respond to a message about a meeting today until 2 minutes before one of the suggested times.

2. I don’t think this was the cause because I’ve stumbled across those papers before. I didn’t even think about it until after I felt worthless and began thinking of all the possible reasons I’m a bad person. Also, I was 13 years old! That was 10 years ago! Teenagers are idiots. Their brains aren’t fully developed. Most importantly I would not impeach a friend if I learned of similar or more drastic behavior in his/her childhood. That last one has no bearing on my thought processes and self-worth because I often beat myself up over things I would tell someone else not to worry about. I’m simply attempting to justify some self-compassion here…

3. Oh dear… This really deserves its own post, but there are a myriad of distorted thoughts around prostitution. I have a friend who was a teenage prostitute because one parent died and the other was negligent as a result of their own mental illness. She was involved with DFS, but the system let her fall through the cracks. Some men are awful and don’t care whether the person they’re paying is a child and unable to consent. Abusing people who can’t stand up for themselves is the worst crime in my opinion; thinking about it makes my blood boil.

I blame 13-year-old me despite the age of consent because 13-year-old me was an idiot and had no reason for her actions, whereas my friend was trying to feed herself, stay in high school, and find a place to sleep at night.

I brought up my friend because I know it is not a pretty picture. Also, ironically, I’ve encouraged her many times not to go back to that life by outlining the dangers and drawbacks, along with reminding her of all she has accomplished/ her worth as a human being. In other words, stay in school! You have a full academic-based scholarship because you’re smart and you have a chance to graduate with a degree and do some good in the world. Also, you deserve someone who will cherish you and love you as a whole person, not an object, etc… but I can’t convincingly tell myself that.

Lastly, I know it is ironic that I’m talking about prostitution when earlier I spoke about my hang-ups about virginity. I’m a very all-or-nothing person. Yay, thought distortions! As unreasonable as it sounds, maybe I fear loosing my technical virginity because I fear the flood gates would open and I’d lose all boundaries. I might fear the same thing about my masochism. So far, despite my lack of vetting, I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to only deal with people who cared more about my wellbeing than I did. Therefore, nothing dangerous occurred. I don’t know that I could guarantee safe/sane actions if I was with someone who didn’t care about hospital visits…or dead bodies.

On one hand, few people’s sadism can match my brand of masochism. On the other hand, the people who do, tend to be dangerous. One person, I never met him, turned out to be connected with the disappearance of 2 girls and 2 women.

You see, other people get involved in police investigations because life circumstances lead them to certain behaviors. That doesn’t excuse all actions, but I am different. I come from an upper middle class family who love me and don’t abuse me. I have no excuse or reason to do the stupid things I do. I bring all the trouble in my life on myself. That is one reason why I despise myself. However, as sometimes happens with journaling, writing out my thoughts caused more reflection. I was not thinking in all this detail before sitting down to write this post. My only conscious thought was, “prostitution could work.”

Of course, living in a country where sexual contact for money is illegal almost everywhere, complicates things now that I am over 18, but that is another story.

4. Meh, I’ve done this so many times… I feel guilty, but it isn’t something that would make me feel worthless. It is wrong and unfair to my doctor and unhealthy, but I do it a lot. I doubt it contributed to feeling worthless.

5. This one was kind of new. It only happened for the first time a few nights ago. I often scare or disgust myself with my own depravity. Thank God I am a submissive/masochist, otherwise I’d have so much more cognitive dissonance! I’d probably be even more convinced I am evil and I’d probably have many more attempted suicides under my belt…If I was still here.

Anyway, two nights ago was the first time I remember feeling sick to my stomach after fantasizing. At the time I attributed it to the disturbing level of violence, but it just occurred to me that the series of scenes were the first in years that were only female. Usually, my fantasies involve only males or a combination of males and female. This night, it was only women. Maybe that is why I felt sick? To reiterate, I have no issues with other people’s sexual behavior provided it is between consenting adults. I hold myself to different, illogical, standards. Lately the violence has been bad, as in horror movie bad, as opposed to just it-would-be-smart-to-go-to-the-hospital bad. I don’t know why. This sort of goes along with my fear of crossing the SSC boundaries. The more I explore masochism in the real world, the more pain I realize I can handle, and the more dark my fantasies become. While I can draw a distinction between the type of fantasy that remains fantasy (I.e., drugs and BDSM) and the type of fantasy that I might act out, part of me fears as I explore more offline, I’ll adjust the lines in the sand. Apparently the only people who match my level of violence, or at least, who are willing to admit to even fantasizing about it are serial killers.  https://i2.wp.com/img.pandawhale.com/95182-felicia-day-cringe-reaction-gi-tbxp.gif

Note: My fantasies never involve death.

Well, I think I know what spurred the feelings of worthlessness. After writing the paragraphs on BDSM fantasies and prostitution I felt like cutting because I feel guilty. Although the other things make me feel guilty, the level of recrimination associated with the extremity of my BDSM thoughts and prostitution seems to rise to a higher level. Either I feel the need to be punished for thinking/doing bad things or I want to get rid of the feeling of guilt. Punishment would absolve me and therefore I’d feel less guilty, but the two options are dissimilar. On one hand, I’d be redeemed and “good”, whereas on the other hand, nothing would change, but cutting pushes the feelings away.

Why Tara Maclay is My Role Model *updated Jan. 11, 2014*


“It is  hard to find positive role models today. Especially ones that you can relate too.” Erik R. Voshel

Tara doesn’t fit the same overt BAMF mold most of my favorite characters fit, but I love her! I just want to give her lots of hugs and love! She is another character that reminds me of myself, but unlike Olivia Dunham, I loved Tara from the beginning!

Tara was afraid of herself. She never really fit in. She thought she was a demon, to save other people she stayed in the background, but she persevered.

Tara_Afraid

She feels useless. I mention this because I feel the same way. While feeling useless is not good, someone who feels bad about themselves, but makes progress, is a worthy role model.

Tara_surprised

…but she totally isn’t! Tara is wiccan.

Tara_magic

Tara has style! Considering this is her first BtVS scene, her style is the first thing I noticed!

She is shy, but cute about it. Also, she overcomes her stutter. Shyness isn’t good or bad, but sometimes it is debilitating. I’m shy to, shy enough that it interferes with adaptive expression of needs/wants. Unlike below, I’m not freaking adorable about it!

Tara is kind. She embodies non-judgmental, unconditional love. She teaches the Scooby Gang how to be wise and self-compassionate.

tumblr_m02lhq0TcU1r8gsqgo3_250Tara_role model Tara_it is ok to be worried

While Tara is kind and respectful, woe unto anyone who threatens the people she loves!

tara_go through me

Her loyalty is undying. (I’m sensing a submissive vibe. 😉 Look who is on top in the second to last picture!)

She is self-sacrificing. Tara lets Glory crush her hand and destroy her mind to save Dawn.

tumblr_m44wf59EB41qgmt5yo2_250toughlove

Tara sticks to her morals, even when it hurts.

tumblr_mi9eg2xSp41qmtytko1_r1_250tumblr_mi9eg2xSp41qmtytko2_r1_250

She beat the messages of her childhood and became an amazing woman.

… It makes me proud. It makes me love you more.”

Plus, Tara is the first positive lesbian character I remember. She and Willow helped make it okay to love who I wanted…And make an amazing lesbian couple you did, Amber Benson…

tumblr_mvnxjgCEmi1r0pbyyo6_250willowtarahug-1

I wish I was her. I’m still afraid of myself. I still hear “monster” reverberating in my mind. I don’t know if I can overcome the messages my family instilled about sexuality, intimacy, and self-worth.

The only difference is that I wasn’t lied to my whole life. She thinks she has a legitimate reason to fear herself, but she doesn’t. I do… Nonetheless, showing her deal with the messages of her childhood is powerful!

I don’t have her strength yet. I wonder if she is like me, nice because she feels she has nothing more to offer. The most common thing people say about me is that I’m “nice”, “kind”, “sweet”, “flexible”, “not argumentative”, “easy-going”. I pride myself on these attributes, but sometimes I think I’m just nice and laid back because I’m afraid no one will like me, if they see me. Tara and Nicciare the two fictional characters I identify with the most. I wish I knew more about their character development from Joss and Goodkind. Plus, I wish magic, the type of magic that makes an immediate clear impact on the physical world, existed.

*edit* How could I forget?! Amber Benson is (was?) body positive! I know there were silly haters about her body, but I think she was and is gorgeous at any size. I think her body appeared average on BtVS. By average, I do not mean average beauty; I mean average size when compared to the sickly thin, eating disordered Hollywood ideal.

Coming Out or Chickening Out?


I planned on telling my gay uncle about my bisexuality because I know he understands. However, as soon as my mom got home last night, she ranted about my uncle refusing to attend church on Christmas Eve and refusing to let anyone talk about politics or religion. She said she isn’t going to let his sensitivities prevent her from talking about her personal views. I can see it now… She says something that offends him, he gets red and starts yelling and in anger, tells her my secret! 😦

CD1

Bondage and Love

CD Bondage7 CD Bondage6

It is mutual Myka! After all, many of H.G.’s lovers were women. 😉 love

Best. Couple. EVER.

Tara I am you know Tara_YoursI will always find youonce more with feeling

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM


Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell


Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault 😉 ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...

How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )Angel_spine trophies pwr2

How I actually feel…

Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence

What I wish was possible…

BooksDark Willow

Trying to summon strength…

Face of Resolve 

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…

sleepy slayer max tears1

But in the end

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 

care

I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn’t be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe…

thrilling heroics

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I’ll still be online in 5 hours.

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.

Not everyone deserves to live


Angel_a good personAngel_kill me

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

 I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

 So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

 I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

 Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

    Angel_humanityAngel_weak