Things I’d Rather Do than Go to Law School…


1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)

imageedit_175_4284171935

3. Become stranded in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration

imageedit_177_5444974273

5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I already elucidated my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!

Advertisements

I Am Not a Victim


“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”  Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist  saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

*updated Dec. 9 youtube clip* Alive, but Sad, Angry, and Afraid


I’m safe. I didn’t even self-harm, which was a minor miracle. I have a half hour until my meds kick in, then I’ll work. …No, really, I will! *laughs bitterly*

I’m already on the verge of tears. My first words this morning were a lie. “Are you ok emotionally?” Me: “Yes. I’m good.” *smiles* I’m not a half bad actor, maybe I should go to L.A. 😉

If I worked 18 hours today, I could still listen to all my Contracts recordings. Ahahahaha. That is not going to happen. Even though I skip class all the time and avoid all social things, I have one amazing acquaintance/friend. She always texts me when I miss and asks if I’m okay. She encourages me. I told her about the depression and I was nervous. Her reaction was great! She was so understanding and kind! I’m considering asking for her outline. She might give it to me, after all, I am far from a threat in the curve.

I can’t decide if I should try to power through it all for hours on end or if I should try to learn specific sections in detail. That is if I even work today. 😦

I hate that my school doesn’t give medical leave to 1st semester students. My only options are voluntarily withdrawing before I take the exams or attempting to pass and let the chips fall where they may. If I pass, yay! Let’s attempt a second semester. If I fail, I’m out, but I can reapply in 1 year to another law school or 2 years to my law school. For some reason the thought of re-starting the semester is not that bad, but the thought of going through the entire admissions process again is daunting. I doubt I’d do it. However, even if I voluntarily withdraw, I have to reapply. The odds are not in my favor.

Last night I thought about other life options: Wal-Mart cashier again, psychology masters or PhD, ultrasound technician, Costco cashier (they pay more, but I’m certain Wal-Mart would re-hire me), or something I haven’t thought of yet. It isn’t the end of my life, unless I make it so. At least if I’m alive I still have hope of becoming a better person. If I’m dead, I’ll probably be tortured for all time, not a pleasant idea.

At the same time, most of what little self-worth I have comes from academia. If I fail this will shatter my fragile self-concept. Nothing worthwhile will be left. Technically I can “blame” depression; there was a point in the semester where my psychiatrist was evaluating daily whether to hospitalize me. It was a serious relapse. However, I *let* it happen.

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses Angel_I'm better than that

The right thing to do is try as best as I can, but at this point, it feels hopeless. I keep thinking, “Why even bother? You won’t pass.”

Also, I feel sad because I know my dad will be disappointed. He said he was afraid I’d let my fear of failure overwhelm me and I’d settle for mediocrity. My mom and brother each reassured me they’d still love me, even if I flunk out, but not him. 😦

I’m sorry I’m repetitive, but right now my life is repetitive: wake-up, feel guilty, think I should study, avoid studying at all costs, feel more guilt, gratefully go to bed, promise tomorrow will be different.

Lately I’ve thought maybe my ideas of slavery are escapist. I think of it like Denna, a slave in her own way as Mord-Sith, thinks of it.

Denna: “I think you’ll find it quite liberating wizard. For so long, you’ve been burdened with all the world’s concerns. Once you’re broken, you’ll have only one: pleasing me.”

Clip at http://youtu.be/JUYNJPfs5vs

I don’t have the fate of the world on my shoulders. Except, I sort of do, in that I have great expectations of helping others and if I don’t succeed I feel worthless. Of course, it is self-imposed. However, if I was a sadist’s slave, my life would at least be devoted to helping and pleasing one person. That is worth something, right? In addition, as Denna said, I’d only have one concern. I would have focus; I would have a purpose. Since my Master would be a sadist, I would be tortured and as you know, I deserve punishment. *sigh* I am well aware that this line of thinking is fraking insane. 😦

Redemption through Service


Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I
linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little
sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a
religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite
using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious.
Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that
teaches salvation through good works.

You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, my title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki

Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.

It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki

:(

There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.

I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?

This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.

This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell’s 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website.)

Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!

So many questions, no answers.

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell


Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault 😉 ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...

How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )Angel_spine trophies pwr2

How I actually feel…

Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence

What I wish was possible…

BooksDark Willow

Trying to summon strength…

Face of Resolve 

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…

sleepy slayer max tears1

But in the end

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 

care

I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn’t be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe…

thrilling heroics

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I’ll still be online in 5 hours.

BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!


“It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust.” – Echo in Dollhouse s01e09

This is true. It might be a little about the pain. 😉 However, for me, BDSM is about so much more than pain. It is about trust. Giving myself over to someone without reservation is beautiful. Unlike some who call themselves masochists, I do not crave pain, except when I’m very upset as a distraction. Pain as a distracting coping mechanism is not related to BDSM. In general, I don’t like pain. I want it to stop. However, I thrive on pleasing people. I always did. Through masochism, I can give someone a type of pleasure that not many would endure willingly. Through withstanding pain, I show submission and putting someone else before myself. As I said, I do not enjoy the pain. I do not get off on it. I struggle and beg. Yet, when it is over, once I recover, I want more. I like bruises. They’re physical proof of my strength, of my willingness to serve. They can excite me.

Furthermore, pain is inextricably linked to submission. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. Without pain, it feels like a role in a play; it feels like an act.

In order to let someone have that much control over me (I.e., restraints I truly can’t get out of on my own), I must trust them with my life…literally. Once bound, I am s.o.l. if they decide to go past my boundaries. That type of power exchange makes me feel safe, like I’m enveloped in a warm cocoon. I believe this is because of the high level of trust necessary. If I trust them as much as I need in order to put myself at their mercy, I cannot help but feel safe with a collar around my neck.

My favorite female characters confounded me for a while. (Cara from Legend of the Seeker, Echo from Dollhouse, Max from Dark Angel, Sydney Bristow from Alias) If I identified as submissive, why were my favorite characters the strong, self-reliant ones, who often ignored authority? Then I realized, this isn’t about laziness and wanting someone to control my every move so I didn’t have to think. It isn’t about wanting someone to take care of me and it isn’t about weakness. I value self-sufficiency and internal fortitude, in myself and others. This dynamic is about a self-sufficient, whole human being trusting someone, loving someone, enough to give that person control. The only person I could turn myself over to is someone who I knew held my best interest at heart. If my arms are going numb and I signal to them, they will listen and fix the problem to prevent nerve damage, as opposed to continuing their work for their own gratitude.

In turn, that magnitude of trust forms a deeper bond than most relationships. Moreover, trust generates feelings of security, peace, and happiness.

Are those feelings possible in vanilla relationships? Sure. However, my experience is BDSM fosters trust and openness on different playing field, faster than other relationships. It is inevitable. To be safe, you have to talk about everything going on inside you physically and emotionally.

I know there are people out there who use this lifestyle as a smoke-screen for abuse. That is awful. I have been very fortunate to be with people who respect my wishes and value my well-being above their own happiness.

If BDSM is so great, why do I have so much trouble accepting it? Well, I think there are some great aspects to it, but I also fear I have ulterior motives like self-harm. I don’t know how to suss out where genuine kinks begin and self-hate begins. I wish I knew. I don’t know what I’ll do if I decide kinky cannot be healthy for me. Also, for some reason, I feel guilty about it all.

I feel weird that the only time I find pleasure in intimacy is with BDSM trappings. I’m afraid that means something is wrong with me, that I’m not normal. Maybe if I find the right person, pain and submission won’t matter. Who knows. What if this dynamic is all I ever feel comfortable with AND it is unhealthy? I just don’t know. I also don’t know how to go about exploring these things. It feels unfair to experiment with someone. I couldn’t see myself with a vanilla person. Therefore, I’d be exploring the vanilla side of life with another kinky person. Yet, what happens if at some point, I decide BDSM is no healthy for me? What if I realize all these thoughts about pain and trust are simply rationalizations to mask self-loathing? What if it is all about the pain because I think I deserve punishment? I guess I break-up. That sounds simple, but it is not simple for me. I may be young, but I do not take intimacy lightly. I would feel dishonest going in to a relationship to explore non-kinkiness with a kinky person. Dishonesty would destroy the needed trust, making me feel unsafe. Do you see the problem?

I suppose to the solution is to develop a more relaxed view of sex. I doubt that will happen. *sigh*

If anyone is reading this, do I make sense at all? My own mind confuses me; therefore I imagine others would find it convoluted as well.

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.