Just so you know I AM ALIVE


Life is just crazy. Things are in upheaval and my depression is awful (like stay in bed all day, don’t shower for days on end bad). I’ll update more by Monday. Sorry I disappeared. It was/is a bad stretch.

 

Depression is like:

no friends

I’m working to reach out to all my family and friends (including you) that I’ve isolated myself from.

 

white tulip fring walter

Forgive me?

If Masochism is Self-Hate…Now What?


I just don’t know. Tonight, I’m almost positive my masochism is just another form of self-harm. How could it not be with the depth of my self-loathing?!

If it is simply another way to express self-hate, is that unhealthy? …I think so… but maybe not…

Fringe_Olivia stressed

If it is unhealthy, where does that leave me? This curse has been inside me since I can remember. My mom suggested sex therapy, to manually learn to enjoy vanilla intimacy more than kink but… I don’t think that will work. So, now what?! A life with no sexual pleasure because intimacy is unhealthy for me because sex equals violence because I really, really, really think I deserve violence?!

 ALSO, TO GO OR NOT TO GO TOMORROW?!?!?!?!

In a Fog


Today will be interesting. I have a paper to write by midnight and I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. THANKS insomnia and anxiety!

insomnia_fringe_olivia

 

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The Evolution of Olivia Dunham


Season 1: (blue)

my first gif

Olivia is serious. She is driven. She does not trust easily and often hides her feelings. She is intuitive and smart. She is good at her job. She is brave. Once she learns about Walter and William Bell’s child experiments and her part in them, she is hurt, scared of herself, and angry at them.

 

Season 2: (blue mostly, travels to red in the last 2 episodes)

imageedit_7_3231508463

She is still guarded (What Lies Below e12, kind of). She is really hard on herself (Grey Matters e10, e14,). She is strong (Bell, first meeting flashback Jacksonville e14), but impatient (Weis, bowling lessons). She wants to be self-sufficient, to do it all on her own (Weis, bowling lessons). She hates her human weakness/ too strong emotions (Grey Matters e10). She does not share her feelings easily; she tries to shield her loved ones (What Lies Below e12), really she wants to protect everyone (Olivia…the Revolver. e16, Brown Better e19, Northwest Passage e20). She is self-sacrificing (What Lies Below e12). She has a good memory, but can’t remember the illegal experimentation she experienced as a child (Jacksonville e14).She does not feel fear anymore; she feels angers, which makes her good at her job (Jacksonville e14). Intimacy scares her; she has trouble forming relationships (e14). She has insomnia and constantly goes over her choices again and again, beating herself up over them (Olivia. In the Lab. With the Revolver. e16). Family is the most important thing to her (Over There: Part 1 e21 – spending her last night with Rachel and Ella and going to the hostile Other Side without a plan to save Peter). “She is always trying to make up for something, right some imaginary wrong” (e22). She switches to begging rather quickly! Then again, who knows what anyone would do when trapped in a strange, hostile universe alone (e22).

 

Season 3: (alternating blue/red, last episode is gray for accelerated, but original timeline)

sunrise

She is spirited. People are always portrayed as talking back, but I don’t know if that is the smartest course of action when someone is trying to break you. I suppose it depends on the situation. If they are trying to get information out of you through torture, that may be smart because it may provoke them to kill you, but if they’re trying to brainwash you into believing a lie, it may be smarter to play along relatively soon. However, the first day would be rather quick and we don’t know how much time passed. (e1) Olivia grows a lot in her ability to trust. Furthermore, by the end, she trusts herself a little more. She is able to tell Peter she loves him!

 

Season 4: (Amber) – re-set timeline, without Peter, after he went in the machine. Fringe_Olivia saves that double agent char

Never having met Peter, even as a child, Olivia is harder, more caustic, less compassionate. For example, she is tough with Lincoln after his partner dies. She also antagonizes Fauxlivia…except for Walter…She is maybe even better with Walter. I assume because it is only her and Astrid taking care of him, not Peter. Eventually she recovers original timeline Olivia’s memories.

 

Season 5: time jump 24 years in the future

Fringe_olivia surprised

Things are strained between Peter and Olivia because when the Observers invaded and kidnapped their daughter, Peter refused to stop looking and left Olivia. On the other hand, after searching, Olivia grieved for her daughter, but joined Walter and Astrid in attempting to stop the Observers. As a result of Peter leaving Olivia, she regresses a little bit in her inability to trust. She also finds seeing her adult daughter awkward. Of course she loves Etta, but Olivia was stuck in amber for 20 years. As far as she was concerned, 3 year old Etta disappeared without a trace only months ago. Now Olivia has to adjust to the idea of her daughter as an adult. Furthermore, like the others Olivia not only missed out on Etta’s childhood, but also missed out on all world developments for the past 20 years. The world is strange, even compared to the world they knew. Peter seems to adapt to adult Etta better than Olivia, but he always had an easier time with emotions. In the end, Olivia and Peter reconcile and turn to each other for comfort.

Change is Good: Over the past 5 years, Olivia has undergone an immense transformations. The time jump caused some regression in her emotional development; nonetheless, she blossomed at Fringe division. She remains rather serious, but her smile comes easier. She (understandably) has trust issues, but she learns to let herself be vulnerable. She conquers her fear of letting someone into her heart. She accepts her flaws and she accepts her past. Olivia is not perfect; after all, she is human, but she made a lot of progress.

Fringe_olivia run fingers through hair

MAKING yourself depressed, LETTING your eating disorder come back


Mom said those words to me. She claims I’m self-sabotaging. There might be some merit to that statement because I can see myself going downhill as behaviors increase and I do nothing to stop it. sad olivia

If I cared more I would tell my parents or my treatment team about the increase in behaviors. Failing to heed warning signs is like letting my eating disorder come back, which could be self-sabotage. Technically, I make myself depressed. My depression is almost always a result of distorted thinking, as opposed to a random chemical imbalance. While thoughts can alter brain function (For example, brain imaging shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on changing problematic thought patterns, can re-wire the brain), I can sort of control my thoughts or at least work harder to catch them, challenge them, and change them. Failing to try to change irrational thought patterns is similar to making myself depressed…except, it isn’t something I consciously do. Unlike with ED, I don’t consciously ignore thoughts, they just seem natural and pass under the radar.

On the other hand, sometimes it looks like I’m not trying because I’m falling, but in reality, I am trying. She just can’t see it. Plus, I don’t want to be depressed I want to learn what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad

and I don’t want to have an eating disorder (most days I don’t want ED). Often she says things like, “Ok you have an altered HPA access, what can we do to fix the behavior?” I know this is adaptive, focusing on the cause, when I can’t change the cause is pointless. However, the way she says that type of comment always comes off as blaming me for mental illness. Now, if a schizophrenic purposefully goes off their meds and has a psychotic break, can we blame them for the break? Assuming they did not go off their meds because of a thought distortion, perhaps we could blame them for a psychotic break because they knew the risk of relapse. However, I don’t think anyone should blame them for having schizophrenia. There is a difference between blaming someone for not following their treatment plan while not acutely ill (acute illness negates blaming them for not following their treatment plan because they’re not in full control) to minimize their symptoms and blaming someone for having a mental illness in the first place. Logically, when I take a step back, I know she means the former, but it always sounds like the latter.

On the subject of EDs, I got the “You need to be careful about loosing more weight; you’ll never see yourself as thin enough” lecture. Also, whenever my parents go out during dinner, she insists on making me dinner before they leave. *sigh* I knew the lies could only last so long. She wants to believe my lies and so she just looks at me with suspicion, but at the certain point the symptoms are undeniable. Plus, I swear she has superpowers; she can always tell if I’ve purged within the last week. I rarely wear makeup, so my eyes often look tired and puffy, but somehow she can always tell the difference between circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and circles under my eyes from burst blood vessels. The tiny red dots are indicative of purging, but they’re not always present.

Non-Violent Communication? Here? LOL!


Emotions are running high lately because of me.

A half hour ago…

Mom: “When are you planning on getting up?”

Me: “Soon.”

Mom: “You’ve wasted almost half the day already.”

Me: “I’m planning on getting up soon.”

Mom: *attempts to slam door* (It won’t slam because it is already broken – not by me)

Me: *sighs and starts getting up*

Meanwhile down stairs I hear thrashing, banging, pots hitting the ground, and possibly china…more things thrown on the ground…”

Fringe_Peter hit head bang

Me: “Are you throwing a temper tantrum like a child or are you trying to wake me up? I can’t decide.”

Mom: “I’m NOT trying to wake you up.”

*banging stops, so I venture downstairs*

As I eat Mom is stomping around and sighing heavily.

Me: “When I start working, can you please stop throwing things or I can leave the house.”

Mom: “Working? You’re not working.”

Me: “Yes, but when I start studying can you please stop throwing things and slamming doors?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ha, I realize I’m a tough person to deal with, but seriously?! What are you, 5 years old?I’m beginning to think the woman has anger issues outside of dealing with a mentally ill daughter. Usually I would say more mean things right back, but I’m very serene this morning. I suppose it is because I just woke up. It was sweet, I didn’t get angry feeling her anger.

I can also see more of why my brother and I developed our coping skills. Mom throws things and yells when she is upset. Dad refuses to speak to you or runs away and on rare occasion hits. My brother, I have no idea what he does! He withdraws like my dad and I, but somehow he remains calm. I guess it is because he remains detached somehow? I withdraw and hide my emotions to, but I can’t hold them in like my brother. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m weaker or maybe his detachment is real and he just doesn’t care. I get caught up in the emotions of people around me; he does not. I don’t let them see my emotions because I’m afraid of their reaction. Yet, they fester inside me and I must lance their wounds. So, I cut myself, starve, binge, purge, or let someone else hurt me to erase the emotions. (The interchangeability of these mechanism is why I fear masochism is secretly an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and not just a sexual proclivity.) It is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to burst from being too full of air, instead of letting it pop.

Family Breakfast


I couldn’t sleep last night. In order to keep myself awake while driving I ate breakfast and did not turn the heat on in the car. I didn’t feel cold. My car said it was 12 degrees outside; the radio said it was 10 degrees. I think I was ok because when I shivered at 19 degrees it was late afternoon. So, the sun was low in the sky and this morning it was shining. Also, I forgot my meds a few days last week. Today I remembered and maybe my body is no longer used to the high dose of stimulants.

Anyway, when I was sick my mom instituted “Family Breakfast” because unless someone watched me, I didn’t eat. I saw right through the “spending more time together” lie.

Fringe_toast

Today my mom ate breakfast with me. Usually I don’t eat breakfast, but also she is usually on her way to work when I am getting ready. Eating breakfast with her reminded of “Family Breakfast”, which reminded me of treatment.

In turn, it reminded of me treatment friends. Some of them are dead; others are on disability. One died at 20. I’m now 23, things aren’t perfect, but they could be much worse.

In other news: I’ve only skipped 3 classes this week. Granted, 2 of them were Contracts, meaning I’ve skipped 3 of the 4 class times we’ve had this semester. The other was Civ Pro…Oops! I plan on going to Contracts at 2 pm today. I also plan on actually doing research for the paper due Sunday before the night it is due. Then again, I always plan on studying/ catching up/ reading for class/ etc., but then sleep sounds so much more inviting. Haha, yesterday I was awake for a grand total of 8 hours.

LotS_cara eye roll

Starting Fires


Fringe_Angry pyro

Yesterday my therapist/psychiatrist said, “You’re doing it again; you’re manufacturing the next catastrophe. We’ve only had short times of in-depth therapy because you divert attention from the underlying problems to the next big crisis.”

First of all, props to me for going to therapy for the first time in over a month! Second, he is right. I do create catastrophes in my life. The ironic thing is my first therapist told me that 10 years ago after seeing her for a year and a half. She said I had a habit of “starting fires (metaphorically! I’m not a pyromaniac!) to avoid the real problems.” I’ve seen my current therapist for 9 years! My mom said she switched my treatment providers because she thought I was manipulating my therapist and the therapist didn’t know it.

I don’t remember ever intentionally manipulating her. Lol, apparently she had me better figured out than my mom realized. Honestly, I don’t do this consciously. Two therapists saying the same thing about me makes it more convincing though. I’m not sure how they can tell the difference between “starting fires” and having mental illness flare ups because many people with mental illness have bouts of remission and relapse.

Then again, I do shoot myself in the foot a lot. There are certain warning signs and I often knowingly ignore them. Plus, many times I do stupid/bad things for no good reason. In other words, I do them when I’m not in the vice-grip of mental illness. So, maybe they’re both right.

I’d be less skeptical if his comment wasn’t followed by, “I realized you’re repeating what happened to you as a little girl.” …OMFG, psychoanalysis is stupid! While I can see how my birth trauma impacts me (I was born at 23 weeks gestation in 1990), I don’t think I’m unconsciously repeating the past, which I can’t even remember. Furthermore, I think that is a stupid theory.

None of you know me and I’ve only blogged for 3 months. Therefore, I know you only have a limited snapshot of me. Despite that lack of knowledge, given what you know, do you think they’re right? Either way, why? If they are correct, what do you think I can do to change the pattern?

What should I do with my life?


Ah, skipping school again. On the bright side, I took my meds today. Oh, and I’m awake before 4 pm!

sunrise

I want to help people. I want to ultimately leave the world a better place than when I left it. Am I an altruist? No. I bet this comes from the same part of me that believes I’m evil, always atoning for some nameless sin. Since my motives are less than pure, I don’t think I am doing true good works. Nonetheless, I want to make a positive impact.

I despise law school. Yesterday I said I’d wait until my meds had a chance to kick-in again, but seriously this sucks!

snow_text

Jobs that have a positive impact:

  1. Justice (Prosecutor, Child advocate, Forensic psychologist)
  2. Healer (Doctor, EMT, Nurse, ultrasound technician, MHT, Therapist)
  3. Protector (Armed Forces, FBI, CIA, Police Officer, ICE, DoD)
  4. Knowledge (Researcher – Psychological, medicine, physics)
  5. The Next Generation (Teacher)

The first thing I remember wanting to do is to work for the CIA as a spy. My parents quickly discouraged that because of the danger. All of the jobs listed above are job I’ve considered. In fact, when searching for undergrad universities I looked at teaching and nursing programs. I entered undergrad as a nursing student, but shadowing students scared me away (they were doing a microbiology lab at 10:30 on a Sunday night) and I switched to psychology before Freshman year even started. Realistically, I don’t think any of the careers I listed as protectors would accept me. Theoretically, I could work on nutrition and fitness to pass their various fitness exams, but they all require in-depth psychiatric evaluations and my dad, who dealt with government agencies in the past, says they don’t take people with depression.

How we Measure Progress


I belong to a pro-ana Facebook group. Give or take a few girls leaving for recovery, the same 50 girls have belonged to the group for over 2 years. One of my best friends there asked how I was doing because I hadn’t posted in a while. I told them about school, coming out, and my weight. The overwhelming response?

“WOW, you’re doing so well!”

Not surprising from a bunch of eating disordered girls. But it got me thinking about priorities. Is this, our weight, really the most important measure of our worth or success? I would like to say no.Fringe_its all just nubmers

It makes me sad that we put so much emphasis on our appearance. Let’s see… I almost killed myself more than once last semester, I cried – a lot, I was almost involuntarily hospitalized, I barely passed my classes, I rarely attended class or read material, and I lost my scholarship…but WOW, you lost a lot of weight in an unhealthy amount of time!!

Why does it always have to be about looks

Maybe it is because we hate everything about ourselves and our weight is at least something we can change, whereas other things are relatively immutable like intelligence.

Screw Writing Strong Women


Complicated women3 women who kick asswomen who cry women who want but don't need

The OP makes a wonderful point! Writers should create real women! They should also write real men. Human beings are complicated. It really hit home for me because I realized I sometimes judge unfairly. For example, while re-reading Legend of the Seeker, all the difficult, stressful events Kahlan faced struck me. Maybe she cries a lot and maybe there are other women in the story who are in similar situations and do not cry, but no other woman in the series had the same burden. Kahlan essentially ruled numerous countries and felt responsible for the people of all those nations. Furthermore, she was the last of her kind, Confessors. Kahlan and other women like Olivia can be strong, powerful, and brave, even while crying.

One of the best things about Game of Thrones is that the characters, women included, are complicated! They neither “good” nor “bad”. They are a mixture; they are human. They have weaknesses and strengths. Sometimes they do “the right thing”, but not always. In contrast, Richard Cypher/ Rahl is almost perfect. I’m having difficulty thinking of a time when he made a mistake or did the immoral thing. The only event that comes to mind from 14 about 1,000 page books is when he felt betrayed by Kahlan for enjoying sex when she thought it was his brother. While I can understand why he felt betrayed, he almost refused to return to the land of the living! First of all, the sex wasn’t with Drefan, it was with him. Who knows if she would be aroused by him. Second, she did not enjoy it. She equated it to rape. Third, she had no choice. She detested the first time, but acquiesced because the spirits demanded it. She waited for the spirits to come take Richard to the Temple of the Winds. When they did not, she realized she had to enjoy it. So, she worked to get over her mental block (losing her “virginity” to Drefan, not Richard/ having sex with anyone other than Richard) and did what she needed to, in order to climax. If she hadn’t, the spirits would never open the door for Richard to the Temple of the Winds. Fourth, people have involuntary physical reactions to stimuli. So, while I think he had the right to be angry, I think he did not fairly look at the situation and her predicament.

In fact, one of my favorite characters in the Whedonverse is the one who changed the most over their series: Spike. He went from pure evil, to starting to care about Buffy, to attempting to rape her, to recognizing his soullessness, to being the one person Buffy turns to when she is alone, and finally (in Buffy) to sacrificing himself to save the others. Even at his best, Spike it not one-dimensional. He has quirks, flaws, and positive attributes.

I know many of you write fanfiction and some of you want to write your own stories. Please write complicated women and men and don’t lose a character’s humanity while trying to defy stereotypes.

Pictures and original post via http://wildheart71.tumblr.com/post/67892540097/screw-writing-strong-women-write

Fear of Vulnerability and Trust


I am capable of forming relationships; I’m not a sociopath. I want strong bonds. There are a few people in my life who I would die for and who I do not think could ever be replaced. I like people, but they scare the hell out of me. I’m not shy because I am arrogant, aloof, or unfeeling. The opposite it true. I feel too much, too strongly, too often. I resist letting people in because the more I let them in, the more they can hurt me.

It sucks because I want the bond everyone dreams of: The 60 year marriage, where the couple enjoys each other’s company, stands together through the storms of life, and takes care of each other to the end. Yet, I’m terrified of letting anyone in because that gives them true control.

incaoable2

The illusion of control seen in SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) BDSM scenes may appear scary, abusive, or coercive from the outside, but using RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)/SCC guidelines the submissive is the one with the real control. She says the word and everything stops.

Emotional vulnerability is infinitely more terrifying. When you let someone know your deepest emotional pain or fears and they do the same, that person leaves an indelible mark on your heart. No matter how much time or distance separates you, a special bond remains. It is almost as if you gave part of yourself to them.

So, armed with this emotional bond and secrets, they can twist a knife in your soul. They can hurt you more than any blade, brand, or whip ever could. It may not even be intentional! I still remember the day my best friend from PHP discharged. I cried, as in hyperventilating sobs… I did not cry when I left treatment or when anyone else before or after left any of my higher levels of care. This was a girl who knew what it was like inside my mind. She knew and she still liked me. She saw greatness where I only saw mediocrity. She knew things I’d told no other human being and vice versa.

Haha, we were in the art room, sitting next to each other after one of the last groups of the day and I don’t know when it happened, but we both started crying. When it was time for dinner a nurse came into the room, saw tears running down my face and asked, “Is it about the lasagna?” I laughed through my tears and explained I was crying because my best friend was leaving that night. Staff were nice, we had name cards and they set them out before dinner at four tables. Therefore, you never got to chose who you sat with. We got to sit next to each other that night. Plus, our favorite nurse was the table monitor. I don’t remember what I ate or didn’t eat, but I do remember my friend was too upset to finish her meal, which worried everyone because not finishing your last meal before discharge is a bad sign. I’m awful at keeping up with anyone from anytime in my life, even family! If I don’t live in the same house with you, it is unlikely I will reach out on a regular basis. I feel bad about it. I think about various friends often, but somehow I never get around to writing a letter. I still send a message to her occasionally and we chat like old times, but then inevitably, I get sucked away and into some life crisis like a major depression relapse or law school exams and suddenly months have flown by. I’m going to go write her a note as soon as I finish this post.

Anyway, her therapist wrote a long letter in my goodbye book. They had a tradition of giving each patient a copy of “Oh the Places You’ll Go” with encouraging handwritten notes from staff, therapists, and other patients. Her therapist’s note took an entire page of that book! He said I helped her open up. That made me happy.

However, I still remember crying and thinking (maybe I even said it in therapy later?) while I did not regret our relationship, getting that close to anyone else in treatment and losing them again was not worth the pain.

At the time, there were only 3 teenagers in the program. The other 16+ were adults. A nurse always waited with us until our parents came to pick us up after dinner. I was still crying and my mom couldn’t understand why it mattered so much. Obviously, we were friends, but she didn’t understand how I could become so incredibly close to someone I’d known only a month. She didn’t understand what spending 10 hours/day in the same room with someone, talking about things you never said out loud before, and sharing similar thought patterns can do for a friendship.

Granted some of those thought patterns and fears were part of the disease, but I think they leave behind traces even after recovery. In my experience, eating disorders affect people with similar personalities. I don’t know if ED makes us that way or we all already had the same thoughts in our heads. I imagine it is a little of both. Nonetheless, even those who recover usually remain compassionate, intuitive, quiet, unassuming, and kind. It is almost scary how thoughts from so many people from treatment could easily come from my mind!

…Not everyone is like that…Oh drama created by malnourished, angry, terrified teenagers. Haha, actually, from the adults to…

Argh, sorry long tangent!

The point of telling the story of my friend from treatment is getting close to people yields great rewards, but at great personal risk! If I knew I would end up with the relationship I want, I would be willing to crash and burn a few times, but no matter how many people I date, I cannot guarantee I’ll find that lifelong bond.

On one side, vulnerability leads to stronger bonds. For example, I feel closer to my brother and sister-in-law than I’ve ever felt. On the other side, the fall is bone crushing.

I don’t feel lonely right now. I have friends, I have people I could go out to a movie with tonight if I wanted to. I have family. I have potential significant others. I’m afraid of winding up alone because people move on, move away, lost touch, or die. Yet, for the moment, the fear of loss and vulnerability outweighs the fear of loneliness and the loss of never feeling romantic love.

Interesting pictures I found while search for quotes:

and finally, ouch!

BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i1.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛

Things I’d Rather Do than Go to Law School…


1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)

imageedit_175_4284171935

3. Become stranded in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration

imageedit_177_5444974273

5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I already elucidated my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!

To Stay in Law School or Not To Stay?


Serious life decisions, boo…

Angel_Grr

I passed the first semester of law school despite missing 20% of the classes, reading less than 25% of the time, and seriously briefing 2 cases. I never made an outline. I spent a grand total of 3 hour studying for exams. In other words, depression and fear swallowed me whole, but I survived. That tells me I am capable of surviving law school and more than likely I can thrive. Since I gave about 10% effort, if I gave 100% of my effort, assuming most people gave close to 90% or more effort, I have no reason to believe I would be in the bottom 80% of my class.

That semester was hell. I was close more than once to a serious suicide attempt. I don’t want to go through that again.

 

I know myself well enough to know if I got straight As I would decide I “loved” law school and I’d be excited to go back. Right now I am dreading the 9th.

I was .07 GPA points away from keeping my scholarship. If I raise my GPA by .07, I can appeal to reinstate my scholarship going forward.

What do I want out of life? A stable career that I enjoy and feel helps others. Law could give me that. Even before I got the news about the scholarship, I’ve been thinking about my true love: science. I chose law over grad school because I feared the GRE more than the LSAT. The LSAT played to my strengths. Also, I feared the strange interview process PhD schools utilize. Candidates list labs they’re interested in and if the school thinks you may fit, they invite you to a mass open house weekend, where you have to hang out with the current lab students, professors, and your competition. The current students write reports about you, basically you’re on display 24/7. I dislike meeting new people, much less a bunch of smart new people who I know are judging me!

Those weren’t the only reasons, I talked to a lot of current lawyers about what I wanted out of life, my strengths, what I love, and I asked many question about their day-to-day life. I had reason to believe I would enjoy the law.

I’m scared because I still think I could enjoy law, but I won’t get a chance to experience the areas I think I may enjoy for another year. If I go on and decide I still hate it, I wasted another year and $1,000s. Yet I don’t want to quit and lost the opportunity because maybe I will love it!

https://i1.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/2ae0457dfc4f781a855971cc9403feff/tumblr_mghyc8sYky1qb8iico6_500.gif

I am nervous because it is an awful sign that I’m dreading going back. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do.

please no olivia

It feels like I’m giving up and I hate that. I don’t want to give up, if there are rewards ahead, but I can’t know that at this point.

Olivia_Scared

 

https://i2.wp.com/29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhhvirvMVM1qbc0rko1_500.gif

Welcome Back to the Roller Coaster from Hell


Yesterday was not so great. I felt like I was thrown back 7 or 8 years to paralyzing fear, emotional abuse, scarring self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Today is a wash so far. I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm.

I’m ignoring people again (I know I need to reply to some of you); I feel guilty. When I feel any negative emotion I withdraw. I realized the reason I’m not in a relationship isn’t a lack of interest or ugliness, it is because I push people away.

I also realized in order to give a relationship a chance, I need to let go of my eating disorder. The idea scared the hell out of me and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.

Will I be ready to let go at 114 lbs? I doubt it. I know from experience once I reach x weight, the acceptable goal weight lowers again.

Anger and sadness swirl in my heart, but right now they’re veiled by exhaustion-fueled apathy.

Ha, that reminds me, yesterday my mom said, “Are you going to be some weird hermit?” …Um…maybe, but when she asked the question I just spent a week with family and a night with high school friends.

Also, 1 hour until my law school grades are posted!

Sometimes I like myself


Olivia_laughing about ella

Happy 2014! I looked back through my posts to make sure there was nothing too objectionable and as I read the Evil Lawyers post, I smiled and thought, “Yes! All these GIFs are perfect! Your geekiness is awesome!”

Use Your Words


You know how you tell a 2 year old to “use your words” when they start a tantrum? Apparently, this lesson didn’t go much past age 2 in my family. The other night I had a random thought. BDSM involves lots of overt, clear verbal communication. In contrast, my family is the opposite. My mom wanted to spend time just as our nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I) before they left town, but my uncle and grandparents wanted to spend part of their last day with them to. I tried and failed to encourage my mom to express her wants about spending some time as our nuclear family; I even pointed out she spent $100,000+ on hospitalizations to teach me to use my words to express emotions. She refused, saying it wasn’t important. This is a stretch, but maybe my brother and I’s mutual interest in BDSM is partially due to the clear verbal communication, since we grew up in a family that encouraged not expressing your wants, needs, or feelings. Obviously, a lot more would go into anyone’s predilections; it is just an interesting observation.

Dating, Maybe Not…


I felt confident for a few hours, then my sister-in-law told me about friend trouble. The friend has some mental illness struggles and the mental illness is causing relationship strain. The situation brings me back to my fears about dating. I don’t want to be a burden….but then, what? I never get in relationships because I might burden or hurt the other person? That means I will always be alone. Plus, relationships are give and take, as long as I act honorably and do not put undue or unfair burdens on someone, it is okay… but sometimes we crack and maybe we will do things we know are wrong like sending someone a suicide note and then disappearing for hours….. argh…must do more thinking….

*edited a few hours later* Well, confidence didn’t last long. Now I know my sister-in-law has a history of mental illness. I thought they were proof of healthy people enjoying BDSM. Now I’m rehashing all my “does masochism equal an unhealthy coping mechanism and not a true sexual desire?” arguments.

That was Anti-Climactic (coming out)


My brother and sister-in-law are here! My sister-in-law saw one of my Sapphic GIFs and asked me about it when we were alone for a moment. So, I told her.

How I felt before:

How she reacted:

How I felt after:

No one else knows. I’m sure she’ll tell my brother, but that is okay. I told her I was scared to tell my uncle, in case my mom and uncle fight, but she said he was a safe person to tell secrets.

Sensory Deprivation


My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c

[youtube.com=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c]

In case youtube takes it down:

via http://io9.com/5829343/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-sensory-deprivation-tanks

While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

Olivia Dunham: Fandom Explored


In an earlier post, BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!, I mentioned my love of strong female characters. Although I dismissed a potential contradiction, I do find it a bit odd. My favorite TV characters have similarities; they’re mostly tough, independent, fighters. To try to find more common characteristics, I’m going to do quick character analyses.

Olivia Dunham from Fringe.

Oh, Olive! At first, I didn’t like you. I think it was because you remind me too much of myself. You grew on me though! You are insecure at times (okay a lot of the time), you have trouble letting people in, you’re too serious, but…

First of all, you are a BAMF all the way! Who else could survive this?

Second, you are emotional, maybe too emotional, and you know it.

Yet, you play your hand close to your vest. You hide your emotions as much as possible, you do not trust easily. Your ability to bluff and hide is a type of strength.

Third, you risk everything for the people you love and the principles you hold dear. You would sacrifice yourself for others. There is no greater love.

Fourth, you can take care of yourself! Left behind in a hostile alternate dimension? Not a big deal! You can problem solve like a champion! Plus, you can fight and shoot a gun rather well!

Fifth, you are empathetic and instead of letting it make you weak, you learn to harness it and make yourself a better FBI Agent.

Sixth, you dedicate your life to helping others and putting away the bad guys.

Seventh, I love your sense of humor!

Eighth, you stand up for what you believe in, even against people in power. You don’t mince words.

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM


Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell


Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault 😉 ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...

How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )Angel_spine trophies pwr2

How I actually feel…

Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence

What I wish was possible…

BooksDark Willow

Trying to summon strength…

Face of Resolve 

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…

sleepy slayer max tears1

But in the end

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 

care

I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn’t be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe…

thrilling heroics

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I’ll still be online in 5 hours.