Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!
This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.
How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.
I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.
Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.
Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.
Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.
*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.
Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.