Afraid of Growing Up Stereotype


I fit so many stereotypes for eating disordered people; it hurts.

  • White
  • High socioeconomic status
  • Afraid of growing up
  • Female
  • Relapse-Recovery-Relapse-Recovery-Relapse
  • Emotionally dysregulated
  • Cutter
  • Selfish
  • Emotionally immature and childish
  • Co-morbid mood and personality disorders (I remember joking with a friend that once we turned 18, if we still had an ED we’d be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder because it seemed like everyone we knew from treatment over 18 had that Dx. Surprise! We both have that diagnosis. My most recent treatment team disagrees, but nonetheless, one person diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder)
  • Distorted body image
  • Control issue
  • Perfectionist

Today I argued with my mom about doing my fair share of the chores around the house. Perhaps argued is not the right word. We weren’t yelling. My mom was perfectly nice about it, until I started getting defensive. I cried. The argument I had with my dad yesterday was about taking responsibility for myself (Ex. getting my headlight fixed, making doctor appointments, waking up at reasonable hours). I’m avoiding all those things for specific reasons. The headlight- money, doctor’s appointments – I’m afraid of the results, and sleeping is just more peaceful than being awake.

There was no reason for me to cry while talking to my mom. As I said, she was nice and reasonable. She didn’t understand why I started crying and I didn’t want to admit the real reason. So, I was just a jerk.

I cried because I am afraid of growing  up. That entails so much. I’m afraid I can’t handle living on my own. I’m afraid my depression and eating disorder will consume me so completely that I won’t function at all and I’ll lose my job. Losing my job means losing health insurance and income. If I’m not making money, I can’t pay bills. All the responsibilities of living on my own and financial independence seem overwhelming. I don’t want to try and then fail. I’d rather let my ED handicap me, so that I never have to try. If I never have to try, I never have to face failure.

Yesterday, my first inclination was to dive so far into my ED that no one expects anything from me. Today, I wanted to cut enough to wind up in the ER. If I’m in the ER for psychiatric reasons, no one would pressure me about school or being a fully functional adult.

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I feel like a pathetic, weak piece of shit admitting this function of my ED and I don’t know how to get over it.

 

Jealousy


A co-worker, in another program, posted some PECs (pictures non-verbal kids point to in order to communicate) she made online and the speech therapist, occupational therapist, and my boss all *liked* her picture and commented. Granted we don’t report to the therapists and my boss isn’t her boss… but I’m still jealous and angry and paranoid because she is coming over to our program soon.

…AND I sound like a petty bitch again. The funny thing is I like the girl. I’m just so damn insecure that any “threat” to what little I do feel I contribute to the team is a huge deal to  me. I remember when the assistant behaviorist was hired I was jealous before I even knew her because I felt listened to and I felt that my opinions were valued because my boss and others asked for my opinions on potential behavioral interventions. I feared my opinions and ideas wouldn’t matter anymore because someone more qualified was joining us. It turned out OKAY. I like her and I feel like people, including her, still care about my ideas and thoughts…I used to feel more needed and wanted for other reasons too.

Damn that voice in my head. I can’t turn it off. “No one likes you. No one cares about the tokens or coping skill crap you make. She is better at crafty things and she is in school. You can’t hack school. She is better than you. You don’t belong there. You’re useless.”

Idk how to explain the feelings I get when I’m jealous (which is honestly fear). It is like… Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

I can see the future and I can see I’ll be unwanted.

I am a FAILURE


Supernatural_Dean_90 percent crap - Copy

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I didn’t make it to work. 😥 I’m furious at myself and sad and disappointed. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. I don’t know why I’ve been up this long. I just couldn’t sleep. I hate myself. I hate myself, so fucking much! I feel like I’m letting everyone down (even though I simultaneously feel like they don’t need me, lol). However, even if I am not important, they were counting on me as a staff person today. FUCK ME.

 

EDIT:

It is officially over 24 hours. I’ve never had this problem before. The only times I’ve stayed up this long was pulling all-nighters in college. I have some sleeping issues; occasionally, I struggle falling asleep. Usually my sleeping problems are more like this:

pretend I have insomnia inadequate respect for tomorrow

AND SO it has come to a pathetic point indeed… I am about to log off and play Brahms’ Lullaby, hoping it will lull me to sleep.

 

When you feel like no one cares


buffy_faith_no one wants to be alone we all want someone who cares

I feel hurt because my friend read my message and has ignored it for over a day. It was an unimportant message… I guess I’m hurt because I was trying to be normal, ya know? NOT go to her in an emotional crisis. So, I just asked how her trip was… This is beyond stupid and petty. I know. I’m still anxious about work tomorrow and I don’t deal well with rejection. Part of me doesn’t want to go to work.

I wish I could make this part of my brain shut up! I take any insignificant thing and latch onto it as proof that the voice in my head is right. “See?? She doesn’t like you! No one likes you! You’re useless. No one needs you at work. No one wants you. You’re pointless. They’ be better off without you, the kids would be too.”

All anyone says is that I”m being stupid, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help. 😦

 

EDIT: YAY! My persistence paid off! She replied and we talked about normal stuff, also she noticed my drop off in negative emotional communication and appreciates it. I pointed it out and explained that I was consciously making an effort to be less emotionally draining because I wanted her to know I was trying. *does happy calorie burning dance* 😀

Electroconvulsive therapy


My mom wants me to consider Electroconvulsive Therapy.

yuck jack sparrow pirates

 

I’m extremely suicidal, but some things are better. I have a job; I’m working with mentally ill kids (irony!!). I’m still isolating myself from everyone. Most conversations with my mom involve screaming and crying. Some depression symptoms have gotten worse. I’ve had a flat affect lately.

*sigh* At least, I’m posting something

Clearly, it isn’t Monday


dean supernatural laughs then gets serious

Oops. As usual…failure on my part.

I’m actually feeling up to writing a little bit, yay! There are some long stories involved, but for now, I’m just going to run down the litany of changes in my life over the past 2-ish months.

1. Took a medical leave from law school because passing was impossible with how far behind I was and I really don’t know what I want to do…

2. Looking for a full-time psychology job to try to determine if that is what I want to pursue. Since I only have a Bachelor’s degree, my job options are limited to Mental Health Technician (glorified baby-sitter) or entry level research tech. I’ve applied for about 10 of those positions around town. I’ve had 2 interviews, but no job offers.

3. I broke up with the Doc. Honestly, of all the people I’ve dated or even had a crush on, I liked him the best. I clicked with him on a different level. I’m not sure how to describe it. I broke it off because he couldn’t accept my limits. For example, he didn’t want to use safe words.

4. I’ve had lots of suicidal ideation and I’m still struggling with basic things on most days, but despite threats, no hospital yet.

5. My family is disappointed and angry because I’m ruining my life, I want to fail, I can do so much better, I’m just a personality-disordered mess, etc.

6. I’m still giving dating a shot. Since breaking it off with the Doc, I’ve had 2 dates. I skipped one (with a plausible lie because I was freaking out too much). They were with different men. The one I didn’t skip was fine. (Given #4, I find even 1 date is miraculous)

7. I’m making a concerted effort to rekindle friendships and familial relationships that I’ve damaged through isolating

8. I told my mom about IT and… her reaction was surprising and I wish I hadn’t told her. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t blame me, but she won’t let it go.

 

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Just so you know I AM ALIVE


Life is just crazy. Things are in upheaval and my depression is awful (like stay in bed all day, don’t shower for days on end bad). I’ll update more by Monday. Sorry I disappeared. It was/is a bad stretch.

 

Depression is like:

no friends

I’m working to reach out to all my family and friends (including you) that I’ve isolated myself from.

 

white tulip fring walter

Forgive me?