Awful Morning


I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

Criminal Minds: Today I Do s6e15


This criminal minds episode hits WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME! Jane, a former Anorexic, now Bulimic, likes dominance. Her boyfriend is into micro-management. After he breaks her jaw, she breaks up with him. Sometime later she moves in with dominant friend. The friend helps her “recover” through taking complete control. They must have talked about sexual fantasies at some point because as soon as Jane sees her friend, after waking up chained to a bed, she stops freaking out. The friend asks why she was freaking out. Jane says,  “I thought I’d been kidnapped by a psychopath. I haven’t done this before. How was I supposed to react?”

jane CM

After that things start going crazy. Jane stops playing the game and asks to go home and this makes the Domme very, very unhappy. So, she reenacts that awful hobbling scene from Misery (1990). The friend is a serial killer. Her previous victim was severely depressed.

Rossi: “Your daughter is specifically vulnerable to this suspect because of her private emotional issues.”

Errr…..AWKWARD….

They also talk about how all these things boil down to control. Mayhap I have control issues? :p

Why We Choose Suicide


The 3rd leading cause of death for people ages 15 – 24 is suicide. No one commits suicide because it is not a crime; it is a symptom of mental illness. 90% of people who died by suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death.

Supernatural_Cass_deserve to die

Enhanced by Zemanta

Oops, Wrong Medication Dosage


Fun fact: The mood stabilizer I’ve been taking for the past 7 years, which I started after my last suicide attempt, has been at the wrong dose for almost a year. I’m supposed to take 200 mg; I’ve had 100 mg since April 2013.      loki_facepalm_by_foxedpeople-d56xo5a

 

Theoretically, mood stabilizers decrease the number of depressive or manic episodes and make the lows less low and the highs less high. The psych ward doctor put me on it after diagnosing me with bipolar type 2. No one else has ever agreed with the diagnosis, but no one changed the medication either. I have no idea how this happened. I didn’t notice the change because I think I figured it was the generic version of the medication. I didn’t even think to make sure it was the same dose! My doctor only figured it out because the pharmacy called him to authorize a refill and he said he was refilling 200 mg of the  medication. The pharmacist said, “She isn’t taking 200 mg. She has been on 100 mg since April.” My doctor thinks this is a contributing factor to my state in the past few months. Unfortunately it takes 5 months to reach its full effectiveness. Nonetheless, the 24 hour window of 70% tuition refund has passed. I decided to fight and stay in school.

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

To Die or Not to Die


**TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDAL IDEATION**

That is the question. I would have killed myself last night, except if I attempt suicide again, I need to be 100% sure I won’t wake up in the hospital again and that is tough to ensure with the methods available to me on an impulse.

I talked to my mom about whether or not to quit law school. Before the conversation I was fine, during and after the conversation I was suicidal. I was not suicidal because of law school. This has never been about law school. In the end, it is about me. The urges began when Mom admitted something to me… She is frustrated and she has been frustrated for years because she is sick and tired of the crises I manufacture for myself and my enumerated character flaws. She said she was sick of me all four years of undergrad and she almost didn’t want me to go to graduate school because I’m too emotionally weak. She is tired of mental illness and seeing me shoot myself in the foot. The facts don’t bother me. I know I am weak. I know I forge the shackles that hobble me with my own mind. I know the only thing holding me back is me. I know I have plenty of character flaws. I know I sabotage my own success. Her words hurt because she is the main reason I abjure suicide. I stay because I know what my suicide would do to her. There are other reasons like the rest of my family and friends and a lingering fear of hell. However, I believe everyone else would get over it with time. I am afraid of hell for suicide or for any of the innumerable ways I fall short as a human being, but sometimes I think I deserve hell. Furthermore, a large chunk of me thinks there is no hell or God wouldn’t damn me specifically for suicide. My mom is the only person I am certain would not recover from my suicide. Everyone else would move on.

So, when she said she was frustrated and sick of me and my problems…My first thought was that I could easily remove the source of her anger. The past two times I did not write suicide notes. This time I would. In essence, I’m doing it for them, for everyone. There maybe sadness and anger, but there won’t be any more fear, worry, frustration, disappointment, sadness, or anger. That will be the end of my story. She won’t have to worry about whether I’m eating or sleeping or going to class. She can do whatever she wants because she won’t have to worry about me being alone when I’m struggling. If I finish what I started 11 years ago, everyone else will have a better life with me gone. All I do is cause hurt and chaos. Ah hell, GOD started it 23 years ago. Everyone knows I shouldn’t have survived. I contribute nothing positive, or at least not nearly enough positive things to outweigh all the negatives.

My existence only causes heartache. Could I change that? Theoretically, but as my mom said last night, what makes me think I will change? I can say I’ll do better all I want, but so far, I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Therefore, I have no logical reason to believe I will be a better person in the future. I always say I’ll do better, I’ll be better, and I’ll try harder. But I am never enough and I never will be. There is no point in prolonging their suffering.

Ironically, I don’t want to die.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Yet, I am an unwelcome burden on the people I love and I cannot abide by that. I say unwelcome because while I would feel guilty if I had ALS and my family members cared for me as my health declined, I would not be suicidal if they wanted me around, while I could still draw breath.       Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

But no one does, not really. Sure people would say flowery words, claiming they miss me, but actions speak louder than words. As I said, I admit there would be initial grief and I regret that, but everyone (except perhaps Mom) has their own, separate, vibrant, full life. Taking me out of the equation will not hinder them in the long run. They don’t need me now; so, postmortem platitudes are just that…Empty words. They’ll go back to school, work, family, loved ones, and heal. As I live, all I do is compound the pain. If I die, it would hurt them for a while, but that would be the end of their burden.

I would need to somehow assuage guilt. That is the toughest part. I am capable of killing myself (provided I am uninterrupted) for sure. The worst possible outcome would be interruption and brain damage. I can make sure I am uninterrupted though. Teenage me didn’t think about the interruption part. I expected I’d fall asleep and no one would notice until it was too late. Apparently, I stayed conscious and obviously drugged. No more mistakes. I am certain grief will heal and they’ll experience less pain overall. I have no dependents to worry about. The afterlife will be whatever it is… The only remaining problem is I know suicide makes people feel guilty and guilt can be tougher to overcome than grief. It can tear people apart and I don’t want that.

I know everything in my life, including my death, should I chose it, is my fault and if they could see it rationally they would understand they couldn’t make a difference. However, I of all people, know emotions are not rational. The only way to solve the problem is writing very thorough notes or deciding the risk of guilt is less than the continued pain caused by my presence.

Speaking of my presence, I said I didn’t want to die, but I can’t just disappear to remove my influence because then they will always wonder what happened to me. I imagine that gnawing hole would be worse than my annoyance. A dead body puts that question to rest.

This is all awful because I don’t actually want to die. As much as my loved ones try to understand, they blame me for my shortcomings.

Buffy_dou think I chose to be like this

Last night I paraphrased the above GIF saying, “Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you think I do this on purpose? Do you think I want to make the same mistakes over and over again? Do you think I want to be miserable?!?” She sort of understood what I was saying, but correctly dismissed it. They rightfully blame me. After all, I do make excuses. As my Mom said last night, my failures aren’t from some magical mental illness I can’t control; I let myself be weak and I dodge blame saying I can’t help it. That isn’t true. I can help it, but I won’t. There is something wrong with me because I don’t have the willpower to do things for myself. I’m motivated by pleasing others. I will go through hell for other people, but getting out of bed in the morning for my own gratification feels impossible. I am capable of it, but unless someone else has the expectation that I get out of bed and they’ll know if I don’t get out of bed, and I care about them, I will stay in bed all day.

Buffy_it's hard it's painful and it's everyday

I tried to tell her that while technically I made choices, which led to outcomes I disliked, and technically I have the ability to make different choices, things are not so black and white. Buffy_not that simple

Why would anyone chose this? They would not!! At the same time… she is right. The simple truth is: I am too weak. I could / would / should do a lot…but I’m too weak emotionally.

Buffy_no control just pain

It feels like internal chaos. In reality, I hold the reigns; I can do better. I am simply not strong enough.

Buffy_sleepwalk through life

She said there is no point in doing the bare minimum again and barely passing. It is a waste of time, effort, anguish, and money. That is so true. Nonetheless, part of me holds out hope that I can finish the semester and give new classes a chance. She is correct. I’m foolish. As always, I’m telling myself what I want to hear, but doing nothing to create change.
Buffy_too much for me want it to be over

*breathes deeply* I cried while typing this, big surprise… *sigh* For now I’m trying to persevere. Buffy_moment by moment

But then I think… I’m just kidding myself. I am nothing. I am no one. I am a moment in eternity. I am a red dwarf in a sky full of blazing suns. I could better myself, but I don’t have the energy, the willpower. At least if I died in the next 24 hours, my mom would get 70% of this semester’s tuition back.

I can’t withdraw because that admits defeat and stagnation. Also, as I already said, as boring as I find the material, this all comes down to me and nothing about my circumstances. Plus, quitting dooms me to a lifetime of worrying other people. So, I stay and pass or I kill myself. Doing it sooner rather than later means my family gets some money. So, am I reducing the value of my life to about $9,500? I guess so. That seems callous, but I believe it is worth less than that.

*laughs bitterly* Now I am frustrated! I still don’t want to die. There are places I want to see and things I want to experience, but they come at the cost of other people’s happiness. I feel sad; my heart is heavy.

I won’t kill myself, unless on impulse because some small part of me knows even though I can’t fathom it at the moment, my suicide would hurt the people I care about more than I can imagine.

Here is to spending the next 2 hours reading for a class I think I may have already failed because I missed too much class. I may have miscalculated the number of allowed absences because I forgot to take the credit hour change into account. Although my classes are all the same as last semester, their respective number of hours changed this semester and the maximum allowed absences is a function of how many hours a class is worth.

I guess in the interim, I’ll make do with imagining violence happening to me. (…which is why I fear masochism is an outlet of self-loathing…but then it is the only way I am aroused…but then this is clearly related…Ugh, FAIL…)

Dean_Supernatural_stabbing you in my mind

Related articles

Enhanced by Zemanta

The (AWFUL) Reasons I’m Staying in Law School


I’m 97% sure I’m going to slog through the rest of the semester. It seems I hate law school with more passion than most of my peers, but I am staying. Here is why:

  1. To prove I can
  2. To make my professor’s proud
  3. In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later

(To prove I can) Objectively this makes no sense. I already passed last semester while battling depression. There is nothing to prove…except, to prove to the scholarship committee that I am capable of getting good grades. This should not matter at all, if I’m planning on quitting law school at the end of this semester. It matters to me because what positive views I hold about myself come from outside sources (IQ tests, scholarships, grades). Losing the scholarship by .07 of a GPA point makes me angry at myself. I feel the need to prove I can get great grades in law school, even if I’m not finishing.

boromir facepalmFyi, this is Ned Stark in The Game of Thrones (note the Hand of the King pin on his vest), not Boromir from Lord of the Rings

(To make my professors proud) This makes no sense either. I’ve spoken to 2 out of my 3 professors and they both said they were impressed that I got the grades I got last semester with my lack of class attendance and procrastination. They both also said I should have higher grades in their class based on raw ability. Lastly, they both expressed concern about my health, saying I am more than capable of being at the top of my class, but maybe not right now. They both suggested a leave of absence. On one hand, despite my failings, they think I’m smart and they both said they were proud. On the other hand, they both think I can’t do it. Well, I’ve proven I can get straight Cs in law school with depression. They mean they think straight Cs are no indicative of my potential and I should take time off to get healthy before coming back and kicking ass. I want to prove I can get As and Bs with depression. I suppose that is idiotic. Why does it matter that I can still pull off good grades while mentally ill? That is like someone saying, “I want to prove I can still get straight As while undergoing cancer treatment.” It matters because if I am as smart as they think I am, I should be able to get good grades in spite of depression. I want to prove them wrong in a good way. They think I’m intelligent, I want them to be happy when they think of me, not sad or disappointed. If I get the grades I “deserve“, they’ll be happy.

(In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later) I still hold hope that I can find a niche in the law, but as of now, I’ve only taken 3 classes because the classes I’m taking right now are continuations of last semester. If I can just struggle through the next 3 months and pass, I’ll be able to try classes I might actually enjoy. I’m scared of regrets. If I can make it through this semester and at least try some classes that align with what I believe I want to practice, I won’t have to wonder “what if…?”

In the meantime, here is my life:The Hulk_Avengers_I'm always angry

Enhanced by Zemanta

Crying in Least Favorite Professor’s Office


*this happened two weeks ago, I’m not sure why it is in my Draft folder*

I just met with my Contract’s professor. I don’t know if I can call him my least favorite professor anymore. I was certain he hated me, but he was sweet.

He said sometimes it isn’t a question of whether you can make it in law school, but whether right now is the right time to go to law school.

He also said a C (which is literally average because they force the curve) in Contracts does not reflect my capability. Furthermore, I’m extremely smart based on my essay answers and my answers in class (WHEN I COME TO CLASS). Therefore, it makes him sad that I got a C last semester because he is sure based on raw intelligence I should be at the top of the class. In addition, he worries because I’m already struggling again and as a result of missing 5 out of 6 classes so far this semester, I am already in a hole again. He doesn’t want me to have to dig myself out of a hole.

He said I have an interesting choice. On one hand, I could quit, get better, wipe the slate clean, and get the grades I deserve. He said it was “unfair” and used words like “deserve”, but I don’t see myself as entitled to a certain grade because I’m smart. I didn’t do the work or show up to class. Of course my grades did not reflect my capability. I deserved to fail. I didn’t say any of this. I was too busy wiping tears from my face because I know he, my LRW professor, and my friend are right.

*****warning lots of cursing ahead*****

I know a C average (I got a C+, C, and C-, which equals a straight C average) does not reflect my capability. I know based on the LSAT scores of my classmates, subjective impressions of professors, and the general population bell curve (Granted it would be different in law school because theoretically only smarter people go to grad school of any type. So, most likely I wouldn’t be as high on an IQ bell curve of my law school peers versus an IQ bell curve of the general population), I should be at the top of my class. In fact, using those measures, a C equals failure…like seriously, since I’m objectively intelligent, a C is abysmal. If I’d gone to class, read for class, done homework before the night it was due, and made an attempt to study for the exams, I should have easily gotten As. I know they’re correct when they say I am not living up to my capability and my grades do not indicate my ability. The problem is I have to at least SHOW UP TO FREAKING CLASS, read for class or FOR GOD SAKES AT LEAST OPEN THE BOOK, start a research paper before FOUR FUCKING HOURS before it is due (seriously?!?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! We’re given weeks to work on it and even class time off and I start it 4 hours before it is due. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!), and study for more than a FRIKING HOUR (Again, what the hell, you stupid fucking bitch?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You have no school from Thanksgiving to December 10th because they expect you to STUDY a semester’s worth of material. What does the lazy idiot do?!? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING…until 1 hour before the exam begin.)

I don’t know what my fucking problem is!! I’m not lazy. Honestly, I am not. I used to be on the Dean’s List in college, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh I know….fucking depression. But the fucked up thing is I WASN’T DEPRESSED the summer between senior year and law school or during Winter break. Law school makes me depressed!!!!!! So, what the fuck can I do? If I quit, I believe my depression will lift. I don’t think I’ll need a higher level of care. If I begin again or take a leave of absence and start where I left off, I think the same thing will happen all over again.

Right now I am miserable. I cannot take 3 more years of this fucked up madness. I’ll go more insane. So, why stay?

Because I hold out hope that when I am interested in the course material, I’ll like law school.

He said on the other hand I could decide to stay and push through it, but if I decide to stay I need to camp out near his office and get help to make sure I understand all I’ve missed. Also, if I miss even one more class, I can’t take the exam. In other words, I fail the class.

On the bright side, I feel a little better after crying and cursing a lot while ranting. Ha, if you knew me, you’d know I rarely curse, even in anger. I’m 23 and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at someone. Apparently, it helps to release my self-hatred.

Enhanced by Zemanta