Meh just a self-loathing day


I’m on edge today. I almost didn’t go to class because I skipped this class yesterday and I felt awkward. I know the longer I skip a class, the more awkward the return will be. Thankfully, I did go. However, I felt like cutting not long into class because the professor emphasized the importance of turning in polished work that is the product of multiple drafts. I never do more than one draft (hence, my C+ last semester). I feel guilty for procrastinating to such an awful degree.

I feel pathetic because I had a dream where I looked at myself in a mirror and said over and over, “You’re fat.” Wow, you know something is deep-seated when you dream about it! I used to have dreams about treatment. Also, while fasting I had dreams about eating and I always woke up terrified that I’d binged at night!

I might be going out to dinner with the doctor. However, he hasn’t replied about when or where. I’m sure that is making me more anxious. I rarely wear make-up, but I’m wearing it today and I forgot lipstick. HAHAHA, I know in the scheme of things, even the scheme of things within my ordinary life, that is a very small problem. I don’t know, I just feel fat. Granted, I’m on my period, but that also makes me feel fat! Thanks to ED, I rarely have periods more than 2 or 3 times a year. So, periods make me feel fat both because they cause bloat and because it proves I’m “bad” aka not malnourished enough for my body to decide attempting to carry a child is fruitless. Ironically, it is Nation Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I don’t like awareness campaigns. First of all, I don’t want anyone around me who doesn’t know about ED to get suspicious. Second, I think they rarely help. Most articles about EDs inadvertently give tips or expose people to new behaviors.

annoyed buffy

Yeah, sorry there is no real point to this post. I’m just especially self-hating today. And *laughs bitterly* I’m supposed to go eat dinner with someone I like! OH and I forgot to change my earrings. So, I’m wearing mismatching studs.

I want someone to hurt me. Another form of self-injury? Yes. However, I think there is more to it. The idea just occurred to me: if someone is non-consensually hurting me, I am a better person than they are…So, maybe consensual S&M causes a similar feeling? I know I feel proud of the amount of physical pain I can endure. Similarly, I feel superior to other “weak” people when I starve because I can starve myself and they are greedy pigs. (I am well aware this is disordered!) Cutting doesn’t hold any superiority complex. I think, for me, masochism is a self-esteem booster, just like ED. I don’t like all the parallels I’m seeing. Perhaps I’m making them up. Perhaps as everyone keeps saying I should just let my fears go and let myself enjoy what I like… The problem is I’m scared. When I’m sick, I like my eating disorder. So, liking BDSM is not proof that it is not sick for me. At the same time, when I switch from one symptom (ED, SI, BDSM) to another, the other 2 fade away. Maybe BDSM is the lesser of 3 evils? ED kills you and makes you unable to function. SI causes scars and potentially death. Giving someone else control of pain is probably less damaging than my self-inflicted wounds. In fact, I’m positive the harm I do to myself in anger, sadness, or anxiety is worse than what any non-psychopathic sadist would sanely do. I say sanely because the things I’ve done to myself could and have ended in hospital stays. The law here is that people cannot consent to “serious physical injury”, which  means physical injury that creates a substantial risk of death or that causes serious disfigurement or protracted loss or impairment of the function of any part of the body. A number of things I’ve done to myself are in that category. Therefore, a safe and sane sadist would most likely do less damage than I do to myself.

Plus, EDs make relationships almost impossible, with BDSM I can have a trusting, loving relationship. SI is addictive. I suppose BDSM maybe addictive in the same way, but I I’m not in control, that won’t matter.

but, but, but…If it is a maladaptive coping mechanism or another expression of self-hate, can that ever be healthy?

*SCREAMS INTERNALLY* I know I keep asking the same question over and over again. That is because it all boils down to the same problem. Can I ever answer it???

Criminal Minds: Today I Do s6e15


This criminal minds episode hits WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME! Jane, a former Anorexic, now Bulimic, likes dominance. Her boyfriend is into micro-management. After he breaks her jaw, she breaks up with him. Sometime later she moves in with dominant friend. The friend helps her “recover” through taking complete control. They must have talked about sexual fantasies at some point because as soon as Jane sees her friend, after waking up chained to a bed, she stops freaking out. The friend asks why she was freaking out. Jane says,  “I thought I’d been kidnapped by a psychopath. I haven’t done this before. How was I supposed to react?”

jane CM

After that things start going crazy. Jane stops playing the game and asks to go home and this makes the Domme very, very unhappy. So, she reenacts that awful hobbling scene from Misery (1990). The friend is a serial killer. Her previous victim was severely depressed.

Rossi: “Your daughter is specifically vulnerable to this suspect because of her private emotional issues.”

Errr…..AWKWARD….

They also talk about how all these things boil down to control. Mayhap I have control issues? :p

Papers, Always Papers


I have a paper due tomorrow at 11:59 pm. For once, I began before the day it is due! However, I’m not nearly as far as I should be. I’m trying to focus; I didn’t even go on tumblr until an hour ago, but my mind is starting to do that paralyzing anxiety thing already.

Healthy thoughts: focus

Unhelpful Self-Talk: ahahahaha no focus for you

 

Aversive Stimuli: To Quit Law School


This weekend my dad and I spoke about my “demons”. (his words, not mine) Just like my mom comparing eating disorder behavior to self-control, my dad asked how I could stand to cut my arms and yet I couldn’t read a few pages in a boring book. My mom referring to restricting or purging as self-control bugs me because they aren’t displays of self-control. If anything, they’re a lack of control. She, of all people, should know that! At first, his similar question bugged me because I thought he was downplaying self-injury.

He explained himself saying the first time I cut myself it had to hurt. However, I kept doing it and the more I cut, the deeper the cuts became. I got “better” at it. I learned to withstand an increasing amount of pain, despite its aversive nature. Thinking about it, he has a point.

Why is scarring my arm easier than reading a stupid book? What is so aversive? Well, it is boring. That hardly seems like a good enough reason. I think the problem is I’m imagining a lifetime of exceedingly boring work. It isn’t just a chapter because it represents years, which scares me. Overcoming a semester or 2 of boredom would be simple, but a lifetime is different.

Why is class so aversive? Right now, I’m sitting 30 feet away from the classroom I should be in. Why is sitting through an hour and 15 minute class so awful that I can’t bother to walk 30 feet to endure it?

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

Well, my self-concept as an intelligent person is shaky. It is one of the few things I like about myself, but for most of my life I didn’t believe it. So, the belief is easily upset. Classes confuse me because I skip most of them and don’t read. Therefore, class is aversive because it makes me feel stupid. However, logically I know if I skip, I only become more lost. So, what is really keeping me from going to class? I am more terrified of others seeing me as an imposter than discovering I’m not good enough on my own. If I don’t read, I will look stupid if I am cold called. I’ll look especially stupid; reading doesn’t guarantee a good answer.

I think my problem is I cannot face people thinking I am not good enough. Here, that means my IQ. I’d rather hide and leave the possibility that I’m intelligent. It is a vicious cycle because the more I avoid class, the more lost I feel, and the more lost I feel, the more painful class becomes. At the beginning of each day, I tell myself I’ll do the right things. I’ll read for class  and go to all my class regardless. Yet, every day I procrastinate thinking I’ll begin reading in an hour, after the next article, or after I read all my open tabs. As soon as that happens, I invent some other excuse. Since I don’t read, I feel increasingly anxious about class and true to form, I skip it. Then I feel guilty. When I get home I know I should study, but I feel awful and the mounting absences and unread pages, makes it feel overwhelming. Therefore, I avoid beginning the task and it all starts over…

Supernatural_every wrong move_Dean

How can I fix the problem? Get more real will power? I need to change how I think and/or feel. The thoughts cause the feelings. I could manually alter the feelings with my usual coping “skills”. In fact, at the moment, I very much want to cut. Yet, even though the coping mechanisms help wash the pain away, I usually still don’t want to study because all of them tire me. So, the best road is to change my thoughts, but that is a long journey. It is difficult to catch, challenge, and change all incorrect thoughts. Plus, it takes time to actually begin to believe the changed thoughts.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? Accountability doesn’t work, at least not with my parents, because I lie to them so they aren’t disappointed. I have the next 3 days to do better. If I can’t at least read and go to every class for the next 3 days, I’m quitting. A leave of absence is pointless because law school is the environmental factor creating my depression! Other than the inevitable ego loss from failure, I think my depression will abate if I leave. The only way a leave of absence would help is if I fixed all my maladaptive thought patterns and then tried again. I don’t think I can. I think I’m stuck like this.

Supernatural_dean crying better

I don’t know what else to do that could help me do the right things in the next 3 days/ the rest of the semester.

Psychosomatic Mental Illness?!


Don’t get the stake and pitchforks yet! I’m not saying everyone imagines mental illness. I’ve seen plenty of brain scans, which show otherwise. Plus, I realize psychosomatic refers to physical symptoms arising from emotional or mental issues, not physical causes. Therefore my use of the word is technically incorrect. Nonetheless…

Despite my swing from positive to negative in minutes yesterday, apparently I was more serious than I realized. Last night I told my mom a little about my ED relapse, including that I think I should go back on a meal plan. To her credit, for once, she did not automatically suggest a higher level of care. At the moment, it is unnecessary, but usually when she learns I’m using ED behaviors she says, “Do you want to end up hospitalized?”

However, ever since I told her, I feel like crawling out of my skin! I feel 1,000x more uncomfortable in my body! Realistically, nothing changed; no matter how much “accountability” she provides, we both know she can’t stop my behaviors. Yet for some reason, that one act of defiance (of ED) is terrifying me. Logically, I know my body didn’t grow overnight, but I feel monstrous! I feel more fat and repulsive than usual. It is as if defying ED and reaching out focused my attention all the more on my body/ how I experience being inside my body.

Plus, food instantly became scarier. I struggled to eat breakfast, whereas last weekend I was fine. I’m almost always okay on weekends because even though I eat more than I want to, I know I “have to” in order to keep up appearances. However, this morning I didn’t want to eat. In fact, now I feel like crying. …Hahaha, I talk so much about crying, but I rarely break down in tears in real life >.< …

The last time I cried over eating food was as a senior in high school.  I think it was September and the school year started in August. For a few weeks I went to school in the morning and returned to treatment for lunch, PM snack, and dinner. This was my first full day back at school. I sat alone in the locker room, staring at my lunch. With a heavy sigh, I opened an applesauce cup and dipped my spoon in it. Then I started crying. It is difficult to describe the fear an eating disorder creates. We know we need food to survive. We know most people, given the opportunity, eat every day, more than once a day! But when we look at food we see all our shortcomings manifested. Taking a bite equals admitting or giving into our weakness. It means magically expanding fat cells and everyone you love turning against you because food will make you so hideous that no one can stand to be around you. Food is the enemy; it horrifies you. I literally had nightmares about eating. Eating causes a huge spike of anxiety, fear, and self-loathing. This disease is one thing you’re good at; one thing you can do right. After all, despite your teachers and parents insisting you’re smart and capable, you know the truth. You know you’re inadequate and you’re terrified if you eat, they will finally see the monster you see in the mirror. Illogical? Yes. Insane? Yes. Irrational? Of course. But the feelings and thoughts are as real to you as your grief at your grandmother’s funeral.

Right now, I’m a tight knot of dread and misgivings. I feel nauseous and bloated. I want out of my body.

And why? Just because I committed the cardinal sin, I admitted my human weakness and asked for help. There are a million eating disorder blogs on the internet; it may seem like we’re fine with expressing emotion and needs, but there is a huge difference between anonymously ranting online and using your words to ask someone in your life for help.

Now off to try to kill the other law students with studying…

willow_fake smile

…I lied, one more thing:

Remember how I said when we eat, we imagine we’ll immediately gain weight? I meant it. In my first week of inpatient treatment, I felt my clothes get tighter on my body. I saw my body getting larger in the mirror. If someone wanted to bet me that I wasn’t gaining weight, I would laugh in their face and agree to a million dollar bet. I was at “fat camp”, on a weight gain meal plan and I could see and feel the differences! However, I would be a million dollars in debt because a few days later they put me back on bathroom monitoring. Apparently, I lost weight in my first 2 weeks and they thought I purged in the bathroom. So, while I was sick, not only did my mind whisper lies in my ears and my emotions skyrocket, but also my perception of reality was skewed. My clothes felt tighter on my body and I saw myself gain weight because I believed that was what was happening.

Perhaps the fact that it is happening again is a testament to this being a real relapse? I don’t know because I call these  blips relapses, but it always gets better before I get too sick and even as my least disordered, the thoughts are still in my head. They never left. Therefore, have I ever been in recovery?

Oh, for the record, I was not purging. I was hypermetabolic, a state of increased metabolic rate, usually in response to a significant bodily injury. Sometimes when malnourished people, in starvation mode, begin re-feeding (FYI, a normal or even overweight person can be malnourished! Health is not simply calories consumed, it also quality.) their metabolism re-boots when it gets adequate calories again and it revs up before settling to a normal level. It is a terrible irony for re-feeding anorexics or underweight bulimics because the treatment team gives you a high weight gain meal plan to begin with and then your body makes it doubly hard to gain weight with hypermetabolism. I was lucky, my metabolism calmed down in a month. I knew some girls forced to eat 5,000 – 6,000 calories PER DAY for months and they still struggled to gain weight. It might sound wonderful, eat all you want and don’t gain weight! But it is hell when you’re used to only eating small amounts or throwing up larger amount of food. I remember times when I honestly thought my stomach would burst because it hurt so badly (Yes, anyone’s stomach can burst from too much consumption). Your body acclimated to less food and even got used to regurgitating after large intake. It is uncomfortable to eat and keep down a normal sized meal, much less a menu that would satisfy a 300 lbs football player! In that regard, even normal weight or overweight bulimics struggling in treatment because even though they don’t have to gain weight, they may not be used to keeping normal-sized meals down; therefore, it is physically painful.

Double Standard in Weight Loss


We all know it exists! After all, there is a huge outcry over The Biggest Loser of season 15’s weight loss. Yet, all the others did the exact same UNHEALTHY behaviors to lose as much weight as they did. No one is saying bad things about them. People only care if you’re “too thin”.

I suppose I can’t blame the average person; freaking eating disorder specialists do it!

For example, soon after I was weight restored from Anorexia, talking about going to 3 cycling classes per day would get me shrewd glare and a lecture about moderation! Conversely, if I went to the gym for 3 hours at my high weight, people would congratulate me for my will power! The Biggest Loser competitors are body-shamed, humiliated, and screamed at to get them to exercise for hours every day!

This hits close to home because last semester of school I lost 50 pounds. No one said a word for months. Until last week my mom’s only comments were compliments. It is impossible to lose the amount of weight I lost, in the time I lost it, in a healthy manner. However, since I began overweight (not morbidly obese), no one expressed concern or batted an eye lash when I skipped lunch and breakfast every day. After all, when you’re fat, losing weight is good! Right?!?! Not even the numerous people in my life who know I have a long history of diagnosed eating disorders and hospitalizations said anything. Fuck people. NOW they want me to stop losing weight? Yeah right, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

To clarify, I am fine that no one tried to stop me. I’d be content for them to remain silent!!

Supernatural Bobby SHHH

I am angry that they are saying something now, as though it was inconsequential at a higher weight, but now my behavior is the end of the world.

*edit* And this, folks, is why nothing changes…Minutes ago I thought, “I’ll get back on a meal plan and focus on school for a week.” I meant what I wrote in my last post; in the moment I wrote it, I was committed. Shortly after posting, my good spirits faded and I thought, “Screw this! I have to keep losing weight!

Everything You Want is on the Other Side of Fear


on the other side of fear

This is SO true for me! My life is ruled by fear. Yesterday someone on my inpatient alumni group posted this picture and it is now my desktop background. So, in an effort to see what happens when I ignore my unhelpful cognitions and behaviors, I am going to put myself back on a meal plan *shudders* with 3 meals and 3 snacks per day. Every time I catch a distorted thought like, “You’re fat”, “No one likes you”, “You’re a failure”, “Maybe you should quit law school and….”, “I’ll just do this one more thing online before starting homework *4 hours later* I’ll just do this one more…”, etc. I’m going to challenge the thought and change it, or if it is an anxiety provoking thought like quitting law school, I’ll just shut it down. I’m going to pass no judgment on my thoughts, just let them occur, but challenge the maladaptive thoughts. I’m going to wake up and go to sleep at normal times regardless of my class schedule. I’m also going to do homework/reading before the day of. Since I’m a few hundred pages behind, I may not be online much. Although, working 16 hours straight is an unreasonable expectation for law school. I think I’ll start off with a half hour of full concentration of school equals 15 minutes of free time.

 

In other words, 5 years later I’m starting to implement all those CBT and DBT skills Remuda tried to teach me.BBT_hit sheldon with pillow

MAKING yourself depressed, LETTING your eating disorder come back


Mom said those words to me. She claims I’m self-sabotaging. There might be some merit to that statement because I can see myself going downhill as behaviors increase and I do nothing to stop it. sad olivia

If I cared more I would tell my parents or my treatment team about the increase in behaviors. Failing to heed warning signs is like letting my eating disorder come back, which could be self-sabotage. Technically, I make myself depressed. My depression is almost always a result of distorted thinking, as opposed to a random chemical imbalance. While thoughts can alter brain function (For example, brain imaging shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on changing problematic thought patterns, can re-wire the brain), I can sort of control my thoughts or at least work harder to catch them, challenge them, and change them. Failing to try to change irrational thought patterns is similar to making myself depressed…except, it isn’t something I consciously do. Unlike with ED, I don’t consciously ignore thoughts, they just seem natural and pass under the radar.

On the other hand, sometimes it looks like I’m not trying because I’m falling, but in reality, I am trying. She just can’t see it. Plus, I don’t want to be depressed I want to learn what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad

and I don’t want to have an eating disorder (most days I don’t want ED). Often she says things like, “Ok you have an altered HPA access, what can we do to fix the behavior?” I know this is adaptive, focusing on the cause, when I can’t change the cause is pointless. However, the way she says that type of comment always comes off as blaming me for mental illness. Now, if a schizophrenic purposefully goes off their meds and has a psychotic break, can we blame them for the break? Assuming they did not go off their meds because of a thought distortion, perhaps we could blame them for a psychotic break because they knew the risk of relapse. However, I don’t think anyone should blame them for having schizophrenia. There is a difference between blaming someone for not following their treatment plan while not acutely ill (acute illness negates blaming them for not following their treatment plan because they’re not in full control) to minimize their symptoms and blaming someone for having a mental illness in the first place. Logically, when I take a step back, I know she means the former, but it always sounds like the latter.

On the subject of EDs, I got the “You need to be careful about loosing more weight; you’ll never see yourself as thin enough” lecture. Also, whenever my parents go out during dinner, she insists on making me dinner before they leave. *sigh* I knew the lies could only last so long. She wants to believe my lies and so she just looks at me with suspicion, but at the certain point the symptoms are undeniable. Plus, I swear she has superpowers; she can always tell if I’ve purged within the last week. I rarely wear makeup, so my eyes often look tired and puffy, but somehow she can always tell the difference between circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and circles under my eyes from burst blood vessels. The tiny red dots are indicative of purging, but they’re not always present.

Non-Violent Communication? Here? LOL!


Emotions are running high lately because of me.

A half hour ago…

Mom: “When are you planning on getting up?”

Me: “Soon.”

Mom: “You’ve wasted almost half the day already.”

Me: “I’m planning on getting up soon.”

Mom: *attempts to slam door* (It won’t slam because it is already broken – not by me)

Me: *sighs and starts getting up*

Meanwhile down stairs I hear thrashing, banging, pots hitting the ground, and possibly china…more things thrown on the ground…”

Fringe_Peter hit head bang

Me: “Are you throwing a temper tantrum like a child or are you trying to wake me up? I can’t decide.”

Mom: “I’m NOT trying to wake you up.”

*banging stops, so I venture downstairs*

As I eat Mom is stomping around and sighing heavily.

Me: “When I start working, can you please stop throwing things or I can leave the house.”

Mom: “Working? You’re not working.”

Me: “Yes, but when I start studying can you please stop throwing things and slamming doors?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ha, I realize I’m a tough person to deal with, but seriously?! What are you, 5 years old?I’m beginning to think the woman has anger issues outside of dealing with a mentally ill daughter. Usually I would say more mean things right back, but I’m very serene this morning. I suppose it is because I just woke up. It was sweet, I didn’t get angry feeling her anger.

I can also see more of why my brother and I developed our coping skills. Mom throws things and yells when she is upset. Dad refuses to speak to you or runs away and on rare occasion hits. My brother, I have no idea what he does! He withdraws like my dad and I, but somehow he remains calm. I guess it is because he remains detached somehow? I withdraw and hide my emotions to, but I can’t hold them in like my brother. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m weaker or maybe his detachment is real and he just doesn’t care. I get caught up in the emotions of people around me; he does not. I don’t let them see my emotions because I’m afraid of their reaction. Yet, they fester inside me and I must lance their wounds. So, I cut myself, starve, binge, purge, or let someone else hurt me to erase the emotions. (The interchangeability of these mechanism is why I fear masochism is secretly an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and not just a sexual proclivity.) It is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to burst from being too full of air, instead of letting it pop.

Family Breakfast


I couldn’t sleep last night. In order to keep myself awake while driving I ate breakfast and did not turn the heat on in the car. I didn’t feel cold. My car said it was 12 degrees outside; the radio said it was 10 degrees. I think I was ok because when I shivered at 19 degrees it was late afternoon. So, the sun was low in the sky and this morning it was shining. Also, I forgot my meds a few days last week. Today I remembered and maybe my body is no longer used to the high dose of stimulants.

Anyway, when I was sick my mom instituted “Family Breakfast” because unless someone watched me, I didn’t eat. I saw right through the “spending more time together” lie.

Fringe_toast

Today my mom ate breakfast with me. Usually I don’t eat breakfast, but also she is usually on her way to work when I am getting ready. Eating breakfast with her reminded of “Family Breakfast”, which reminded me of treatment.

In turn, it reminded of me treatment friends. Some of them are dead; others are on disability. One died at 20. I’m now 23, things aren’t perfect, but they could be much worse.

In other news: I’ve only skipped 3 classes this week. Granted, 2 of them were Contracts, meaning I’ve skipped 3 of the 4 class times we’ve had this semester. The other was Civ Pro…Oops! I plan on going to Contracts at 2 pm today. I also plan on actually doing research for the paper due Sunday before the night it is due. Then again, I always plan on studying/ catching up/ reading for class/ etc., but then sleep sounds so much more inviting. Haha, yesterday I was awake for a grand total of 8 hours.

LotS_cara eye roll

On stepping away from incrimination and accepting sexuality


“Love as thou wilt.” While reading Kushiel’s Chosen, it occurred to me that love cannot be evil. Sure, love can lead us to do immoral things, but the raw emotion can’t be wrong. How could it?

Perhaps it sounds cliché, but my religion is love. I badly want to believe in the God I grew up with, but I struggle. I do not think our mortal minds are capable of conceiving such grandiose things, if they are true. Therefore, how could a benevolent God punish mere humans for getting it wrong? I do not think he would. That would be like an adult punishing a 3 year old for failing to grasp theoretical physics! So, I believe if there is a God or some, any, force that is immortal and controls our access to the afterlife, he/she/they/it could not reasonably damn us for not grasping the truth of planes beyond our existence. If he is smarter than us, he is most likely wiser and more compassionate because if he is more intelligent, he would have to understand our lack of knowledge and intelligence. As a result, unless he is so far beyond us that we are tiny ants, unworthy of his concern, he would not damn us.

I believe we cannot know the truth of what lies beyond our awareness. We can cast our lot with one religion or another, but we cannot be certain until after death. So, our morals cannot come from religious precepts. Then were do they come from? I am not entirely sure, that would take another post. I do know having a positive impact on others is a good thing.

Yet, things are not so simple. One kind act could have awful implications that we could not possibly be aware of. For example, say a woman is starving and out of kindness I give her dinner. As a result, she is able to survive to get her next meal and eventually she finds her feet and prospers. Ten years later she gives birth to a daughter and twenty years after that the daughter gives birth to Adolf Hitler. Hitler, as your know, goes on to orchestrate the murder of millions of people. My one act of kindness saved a woman’s life, but in the end, brought untold suffering. We cannot know the full ripples of our actions. Therefore, how can we be judged solely on what measurable good we do in life? I do not think we can be judged that way. We could judge based on the immediate consequence of any one action, but even that could turn out poorly.

So, if not our deeds, what is left to judge our worth? I think the only thing left is our intent. If our intent is good, born of kindness, compassion, and love, I think we are good people. We may make wrong choices or we may make seemingly correct choices, which lead to catastrophe, but I think our intent is how we can judge a person’s character.

Assuming that supposition is right, how can love, gay, bi, straight, paraphilias, masochistic, or sadistic be wrong? I do not think it can be wrong! There are exceptions, when your “love” harms another person, it is not love; it is lust. For example, I believe pedophilia is wrong because a child cannot consent to sex and sexual abuse does immense harm to children. If pedophiles really loved children, they would not touch them.

However, as long as actions are between consenting adults and do not impinge on a third party’s rights, I conclude love cannot be immoral. Furthermore, if I am wrong, I cannot see how a just deity would damn me for my lack of perfect comprehension when I did not have all the facts. Faith maybe the best course of action, but we are weak; we are not omniscient. How can we be judged by standards that are beyond us?

In sum, thanks to Jacqueline Carey and Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève, I am another step closer to accepting this part of myself. Thanks to Deej, I accept my bisexuality. In years past, I hated my learning disability and mental illnesses. Truthfully, sometimes I still despise the mental illnesses because they make school, relationships, and life in general, much more difficult. However, I now accept my learning disability is not stupidity or a character flaw. It is a result of extreme prematurity (23 weeks gestation) and an intraventricular hemorrhage I suffered in the first 6 months of life. It is not my fault. Yes, it makes academia tougher and presents unique challenges, but I am stubborn and intelligent; I am capable of persevering. Hell, I already defied doctors’ expectations many times over. One doctor (my mom said she used to wish I’d go to medical school and become his boss in the NICU) told her: You don’t need to worry about her getting into college, or even graduating high school. She’ll be deaf, blind, and retarded. You need to worry about whether she can hold down a job, which is unlikely.

You know what? My parents are f**king right when they call me a miracle. At the time of my birth, no baby born as early as I ever survived the NICU at the hospital I was transferred to after birth. Child magazine ranked the hospital in the “top 10 best hospitals in the nation” 4 times in a row. It is considered 3rd in the nation for neonatal care according to U.S. News and World Report. Furthermore, the hospital received the nation’s highest honor for nursing excellence, the Magnet designation from the American Nurses Credentialing Center (ANCC). To date, only 170 of almost 5,000 hospitals nationwide – 3 percent – have Magnet status. In January 2010, it was redesignated as a Magnet hospital by the ANCC Magnet Recognition Program. Only 2 percent of hospitals nationally have achieved Magnet re-designation. In other words, it is a fricking good hospital and it was good in 1990 to. So, their inability to save a baby born at 23 weeks gestation says something about the state the neonatology at the time. I’m not perfect; there are immutable challenges I must live with, but I am freaking awesome when you consider everything.

some parts of me are awesome

As for the mental illnesses, I believe they are due, in part, to my first 6 months of life. Numerous longitudinal studies show NICU graduates have higher rates of mental illness, including mood disorders like anxiety and depression. I do not know if recovery is possible for me. I know Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can literally rewire the brain, maybe I can recover. However, whether or not I can gain remission from my mental disorders, I must believe I can manage them better. I can surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, I can utilize my support systems, and I can use coping skills to the best of my ability. Managing emotions does not come readily to me. I did not learn to healthily self-sooth and perhaps my emotions will always be more intense than most people’s, but I can learn to use the coping skills therapy taught me.

I used to think I did not have a “right” to be sick. I used to believe my life was perfect, I had a good school, nice friends, a loving family, and I wanted for naught; so, I thought I had no reason to struggle. Now I realize those things, while I am blessed to have them, do not negate my internal world. For whatever reason, I have these problems; they are my burden to bear. I wish it was not so, but I am what I am. I can be no more and no less. I have a right to my feelings, even my irrational ones, but I can learn to harness them. Moreover, I have a right to love who I want and how I want, so long as I am not taking away someone else’s rights.

*edit* While I acknowledge my prematurity had am impact on my development (if nothing else, I endured surgeries until I was 16 to correct certain problems), I do not agree with psychodynamic theory. They believe the unconscious governs most, if not all, mental illness, expressing some unknown need from our forgotten childhood. In contrast, I admit neonatal trauma can physically alter brain development, for example, my stroke.

It is possible that my former therapist is correct and I am substituting masochism for self-injury or my eating disorder, maybe it is unhealthy. At the same time, it gives me peace, security, and happiness. Again, as long as I am not harming others (For example, if shooting random people made me happy, I still could not morally do it.), and it is not detrimental to me wellbeing, I ought to be able to conduct myself as I want. I do not think peace, security, and happiness can be wrong. Granted, my eating disorder gives me those things, after a fashion, but it also harms my long-term health, which when all is said and done, takes away happiness. Masochism, done safely and sanely, does none of those things.

In conclusion, there are still ways I can better myself. Everyone is capable of self-improvement. Bisexuality and masochism do not make me a lesser human being or weak. They are part of who I am. In truth, so are my mental illnesses because they’ve given me more compassion and understanding of others. They’ve shaped me. The harm of mental illnesses can go, but they are not a character flaw or weakness on my part and in a way, I am grateful for them. Bisexuality and masochism are not diseases; they are not immoral. I…I am okay; I am not bad because of them. Alt and Olive_happy to see you Fauxlivia_happy to see you

B smile2 Felicia Day_satisfied smile

A Bad Day or A Couple of ’em


I haven’t been to school since last Thursday. As a result of MLK Jr. day and my schedule that means I only really skipped 2 days, but still… I’ve spent the last 2 days in bed. I got up after 5 pm today and maybe 4:30 pm yesterday. I have homework due at midnight. I’m obviously behind in reading. I’m miserable again I hate this! I’m doing it hoping next semester will be better, hoping I’ll like the job I eventually get, and hoping the student loans will be worth it. I’m more and more convinced I should quit. Why am I doing this to myself?

At the same time, everyone says the first year sucks and it gets better. Plus, I haven’t taken my meds in a few days. We aren’t even 2 full weeks into the semester. I can still turn things around, easily! Right now I’m telling myself I won’t make a decision until I’ve been back on my meds for a few weeks and I’m caught up in school. Otherwise, I fear I’m making a rash choice out of feeling, not reason.

I had an awful nightmare. I haven’t had nightmares in a while. I was supposed to meet with a new lab for the first day of psychology grad school in L.A. Apparently, I went to UCLA in my dream? I got lost and freaked out, then I made a wrong turn onto a broken bridge. However, I didn’t realize it was broken until it was too late to decelerate. I flew through the air, a good 200 feet above the ground. I was certain I’d die, but then 20 feet from death, I stopped. My car got lodged on a beam above the ground. I sat there, paralyzed in fear, afraid any  movement would destabilize me. Paramedics got there in what seemed like over a half hour and they freed me. We rushed into the hospital and they quickly took stock of my injuries. Once I was out of danger, they wheeled me to a locked psychiatric unit, even though I swore up and down that I was really just lost, that was not a suicide attempt. They said it was an eating disorder unit because my electrolytes clearly indicated I was engaging in dangerous ED behaviors. It sucked, it was worse than any psych ward I’ve experienced or even seen (I.e. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Girl, interrupted). Everyone hated me…

Art Therapy


I tried looking for my Affirmation Book (at the end of inpatient, everyone got a small journal where patients and staff wrote well wishes and encouragement) last night, instead I found a stash of art therapy pieces. In some ways, not much changed over the past 6 years. I still suck at art and I still feel the same way about myself.

This the battle for recovery symbolized by two stick figures playing tug-of-war. And look! I’m winning!

art therapy

This is the cyclone of emotions and thoughts that I used my eating disorder to silence.

MM art ed11MM art ed8MM art ed9MM art ed7

This represents my identity; without my eating disorder I am no one/nothing/nobody.

MM art ed10

This is the program for an impromptu talent show we put on. Surprisingly, they let a few of the girls do a short gymnastics routine and they did not supplement them for the lost calories. Usually, they were very strict about movement. If you were redirected more than twice about frequently shaking your leg, sitting up too straight, etc., they gave you 60 CCs Ensure.

MM art ed1

For the 4th of July we had an extra Nutrition Group, yay! The topic was managing recovery around the holidays. I also wrote some notes from my dietician. According to her, I disliked eating because it meant being around family. Oh, treatment teams and their propensity to blame others, especially family, for mental health problems!

Firefly_Saffron eye roll

Photo_00023

Since we weren’t allowed books, magazines, TV, radio, etc., the only things we were allowed to do when not in groups was make up silly things like the following words set to The Twelve Days of Christmas, color on Disney coloring pages the nurses printed for us, and make friendship bracelets.

MM art ed6 MM art ed4 MM art ed3

All the help I got for discharge meal planning! Haha, it didn’t matter because I went straight to PHP, but they didn’t know what my discharge plans were until the day before I left because some people thought I should stay longer.

MM art ed2

Um…I’m not sure what this is! I think it represents the confusion and chaos created by emotions.

emotions

Lol, I have no idea what the shriveled, psychedelic Eye of Sauron, afflicted with pink eye, floating on its side means!

eye

This looks like pure boredom, not an assignment. I see a green balloon that says “Happy Birthday” (I spent my 18th birthday in treatment). I also see an unhappy purple ghost (A Monster? That one purple gaseous Pokémon? Something else?)

bday

Who the hell is Stella?!?! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not much of an artist! :p I doubt I drew this.

stella

BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i1.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛

What to Do When Non-Violent Communication Doesn’t Work?


What do you do when non-violent communication does not work in your family?!Felicia Day_don't know how to respond to that

Before school started, Mom was already constantly asking me about work habits, etc. On one hand, considering last semester, she has valid concerns. On the other hand, her constant nagging is frustrating, unhelpful, and anxiety-provoking. I attempted to express myself using the DEAR MAN cognitive behavior therapy skill, which I learned in inpatient treatment because (as I’m realizing more and more!) my family fails at communication. It helped a tiny bit for the first day, but Friday and last night she was at it again, with renewed vigor. I appreciate her advice. Also, I realize she knows more than me. However, I resent her micro-management. It is one thing to suggest I start homework on Saturday morning instead of Sunday night. It is an entirely different thing to suggest that once and then continue suggesting and/or asking how much work I completed every few hours all night! I was mad, but I tried using skills. When you ask me the same question numerous times and make the same suggestions over and over, I feel annoyed, angry, and resentful. I need you to only make a suggestion once and let me decide whether or not to heed your advice and please ask about progress less often. Fine, I did not include the “please”, but that is the essence of my plea.

It didn’t work. She just got angrier and yelled at me, hitting the table hard enough to break some fragile glass ornaments left there from Christmas. Then I started crying, yelling, and cursing. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at my parents. I feel like a teenager! On one hand, I am living under her roof rent-free. Plus, I admit the eating disorder stunted my emotional growth because once I started using eating disordered behaviors, I stopped learning to deal with emotions healthily. Therefore, although I’ve made tremendous progress over the years, I still view myself as a little behind my peers in emotional maturity. I’ve had more than one therapist tell me this and I know my parents agreed, but no one has said it for a few years. Perhaps I am on par with other early 20-somethings now.

On the other hand, I am 23! I am not a teenager! I am old enough and capable enough to make my own mistakes. Hell, I made a ton last semester, but I am aware of that! I know what I need to do differently and just because I did not study last night, does not mean I am not fixing my mistakes!

I feel suffocated. At the moment, when I see her my first thought is: Regina_don't talk to me

It wasn’t just last night. If it was just one night of needling, I wouldn’t be angry. Even so, I don’t know if I am right to be annoyed or not. Maybe this is that whole teenage-rebellion stage coming a few years late and I should simply listen to her…BUT I am not a teenager and I should be able to make my own choices. I know I owe a lot to her, I know my parents are extremely kind to pay for my first year of grad school and let me live at home without rent. Yet, their generosity doesn’t change the fact that I am an adult.

Ha, the problem is this post feels so whiney! It IS whiney and that is characteristic of a teenager. On the other hand, sometimes people have legitimate reasons to complain.

Last night moving out sounded nice. At this point, it is not worth the extra few thousand in student loans. Inevitably, I’ll have student loans, but I can avoid ~$12,000/year by living at home until the end of school.

I know I can’t give an objective view of all our interactions, the scope, or the frequency of the interactions, but based on what little albeit biased information you have, what should I do differently? Did I do something wrong in my initial attempt to use non-violent communication skills? How can I make things go more smoothly (I.e., no fighting, yelling, screaming, hitting of tables – or people)?

Her advice has merit. In fact, I know it is the best course of action. The way she tried to change my behavior is irritating. Should I do what she says, don’t procrastinate, just to avoid conflict?

I think I’m over-reacting. Then again, I wasn’t the first one to yell, cry, etc.!

Thin-Skinned: The Truth about Some People with Eating Disorders


I disagree whole-heartedly with the other messages of this person, but the following interview excerpt is intriguing. It falls in line with my idea that “crazy” is really feeling deeply and that TedTalk “Lessons from the Mental Hospital”.

“Women who struggle with eating disorders are what I call thin-skinned and what I mean by that is they’re very emotionally sensitive and highly intuitive.

If you’re born thin-skinned into a world that values being thick-skinned which is the culture we, the Western culture we live in today that values, oh no big deal, water off a duck’s back, doesn’t bother me, then what happens is you get this idea, oh my gosh is
something wrong with me?

And so begins the process of trying to be thick-skinned when you’re not and that’s the function of the eating disorder because it blocks your awareness of very deep, intense
emotions.

So what has to happen is they have to develop the skill set for how to be a thin-skinned person in a thick-skinned world and it is a skill set. You don’t need to change your DNA, anybody can learn it, but it does take practice and it does take being able to go some place where it’s taught.”

This is true for me and true for every girl I’ve known in treatment. It means sometimes we are oversensitive, but it also means we’ll do anything for the people that stick by us. I can’t change who I am, but maybe I can find a way to turn my character traits into positive aspects.

SometimesbecauseFringe_feelints

Welcome Back to the Roller Coaster from Hell


Yesterday was not so great. I felt like I was thrown back 7 or 8 years to paralyzing fear, emotional abuse, scarring self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Today is a wash so far. I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm.

I’m ignoring people again (I know I need to reply to some of you); I feel guilty. When I feel any negative emotion I withdraw. I realized the reason I’m not in a relationship isn’t a lack of interest or ugliness, it is because I push people away.

I also realized in order to give a relationship a chance, I need to let go of my eating disorder. The idea scared the hell out of me and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.

Will I be ready to let go at 114 lbs? I doubt it. I know from experience once I reach x weight, the acceptable goal weight lowers again.

Anger and sadness swirl in my heart, but right now they’re veiled by exhaustion-fueled apathy.

Ha, that reminds me, yesterday my mom said, “Are you going to be some weird hermit?” …Um…maybe, but when she asked the question I just spent a week with family and a night with high school friends.

Also, 1 hour until my law school grades are posted!

Emotional Incest


2014 started out wonderfully with flashbacks of my early teen years. The times when Dad would disappear for days or months at a time without a word. I never felt safe. Things could appear normal for long stretches and then seemingly out of nowhere, Mom would come home with puffy eyes, screaming about Dad and his whore again. Last night I heard some of the same phrases I used to hear, “I’d never in a million, no billion, years want you to marry a man like your father” or “If it weren’t for you and your brother, I’d have left years ago.” Images of slamming doors, yelling, and sliding to the kitchen floor in tears after Dad stormed out of the house, raced through my mind last night…memories I thought were in the past. The things he did to her, not just cheating, are unconscionable and inexcusable. I thought I quelled the anger, but since hearing my mom last night, it’s bubbled up inside me again.

Faith_hurt the showerFaith_hurt the shower

On one hand, I told my mom years ago she had my blessing if she wanted a divorce, even if that meant years later when things seemed “okay” because I knew what he had done to her. On the other hand, over the past few years, I let the anger and fear slip out of my grasp. I let my guard down. I thought things were healing between them. So, I am sad.

Worse still, I fear the revolving door…Every time he was emotionally manipulative and/or abusive or she caught him cheating, she would swear it was the last time, this time they would get divorced. Yet, a few weeks or months later, before the final divorce papers were signed, he would come back, apologizing and promising to do better. And around and around we go… I fear the cycle restarting more than I fear their divorce.

Maybe this is why my brother never talks to us. 😦

I also fear her pain. My mom and I are close. Doctors use the word “enmeshed”. Yet, just like instances of alleged physical or verbal abuse, things are never simple. In a house with 4 bathrooms, we’ve shared a bathroom since I was 11. The change happened when they realized I was purging. For a time, we shared a bed. That is not as disturbing as it sounds. She made me sleep in her bed for a few months because she was afraid I’d hurt myself at night. I only went back to my own bed when my dad came home. Coincidentally, my most recent suicide attempt was a few weeks after my dad returned from “business” and my brother returned from school for the holidays.

The definition of emotional incest:

“Other scholars have used the term ‘enmeshment,’ ‘co-dependency,’ and ’emotional abuse’ is another related concept as well. For the sake of this short series of posts, I will use the term ’emotional incest’ because I think that if you can get past the ‘ick’ factor of the word incest, this construction is actually very descriptive.

Emotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional ‘spouse’ to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son. Here are a couple definitions, some using the term ‘covert incest’ and others using the term ’emotional incest.’

Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child.  The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development.

 

Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner.

 

This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child’s age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent. While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.

You get the idea. Emotional incest takes place when the (emotional, not sexual) relationship between a parent and a child becomes like that between two spouses, except that given the immaturity of the child the relationship is one-sided and the parent feeds off the child emotionally while the child ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the parent.” via patheos.com

Yep. That was us. I still feel responsible for her well-being. In fact, thinking about it, I remember feeling jealous, even resentful, that my brother did not feel responsible for her.

Is it still emotional incest now? Back then I was 15 – 17 years old, now I’m 23. I am an adult.

 

Trying a Different Type of New Year’s Resolution


Usually, my resolutions involve grades or weight. This year I’m shying away from external measures of “success”.

My New Year’s Resolution: Accept myself (the limits of my IQ – potentially crushing 😦 – , struggles with mental illness – eating disorder, anxiety, depression – , kink, bisexuality, appearance, even *gasp* weight)

I need to come up with ways to facilitate this. I cannot remember a time I liked or accepted myself. So far, talking and blogging about my insecurities yields a surprising amount of revelations. I think it forces me to elaborate my thoughts to clarify them for others, exposing fallacies. It also helps limit rumination, which only perpetuates negative emotions and does not lead to solutions. However, I don’t know what else I can do to foster self-acceptance.

What things do you think I should do to encourage self-acceptance?

Use Your Words


You know how you tell a 2 year old to “use your words” when they start a tantrum? Apparently, this lesson didn’t go much past age 2 in my family. The other night I had a random thought. BDSM involves lots of overt, clear verbal communication. In contrast, my family is the opposite. My mom wanted to spend time just as our nuclear family (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, and I) before they left town, but my uncle and grandparents wanted to spend part of their last day with them to. I tried and failed to encourage my mom to express her wants about spending some time as our nuclear family; I even pointed out she spent $100,000+ on hospitalizations to teach me to use my words to express emotions. She refused, saying it wasn’t important. This is a stretch, but maybe my brother and I’s mutual interest in BDSM is partially due to the clear verbal communication, since we grew up in a family that encouraged not expressing your wants, needs, or feelings. Obviously, a lot more would go into anyone’s predilections; it is just an interesting observation.

Dating, Maybe Not…


I felt confident for a few hours, then my sister-in-law told me about friend trouble. The friend has some mental illness struggles and the mental illness is causing relationship strain. The situation brings me back to my fears about dating. I don’t want to be a burden….but then, what? I never get in relationships because I might burden or hurt the other person? That means I will always be alone. Plus, relationships are give and take, as long as I act honorably and do not put undue or unfair burdens on someone, it is okay… but sometimes we crack and maybe we will do things we know are wrong like sending someone a suicide note and then disappearing for hours….. argh…must do more thinking….

*edited a few hours later* Well, confidence didn’t last long. Now I know my sister-in-law has a history of mental illness. I thought they were proof of healthy people enjoying BDSM. Now I’m rehashing all my “does masochism equal an unhealthy coping mechanism and not a true sexual desire?” arguments.

Dating, Maybe…


I’m seriously considering getting back in the game. All of your comments, likes, and talking to my brother and sister-in-law, gives me confidence. I’m even talking to people on Fetlife again. …Shh.

However, school starts again on the 9th. I need to put a lot more effort into this semester. School always causes anxiety or depression. In turn, I brush people off or ignore them, not because I dislike them or don’t care, but because I am too wrapped up in anxiety or sadness. Half of my relationships ended because of the distance I created as a result of school and more than one budding relationship stopped because I accidentally gave the impression that I did not like the person.

I Am Not a Victim


“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”  Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist  saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

Urge to Purge


Ever since law school ended for the semester, I’ve endured awful urges to purge! I think it is two-fold. On one hand, during the semester, I could easily tell my eating disorder to go away by rationalizing that purging would make studying more difficult. I no longer have that excuse. Furthermore, with Christmas fast approaching there are ample opportunities to over-eat. So, I am eating more than usual and feeling sick-full. It is tough because I haven’t purged in…actually, I can’t remember the last time I purged! Looking at logs I keep, my record is a few months long. Right now, I’m going to take a nap and hope when I wakeup the feeling is bearable.

Body Love, I Know Girls, and Self-Acceptance


More and more I think if it makes me happy, why shouldn’t I do it? Why should I care what other people think? Why should I care about the antecedents?

Perhaps it is true there are more dangerous people who are sadists or more mentally ill people who are masochists, but I also know here are amazing, compassionate, caring, intelligent people on both sides of the coin.

Yes, I have mental illnesses, they are part of who I am today. Even when I am in remission, they’ve shaped who I am. It is clear I function optimally when in a D/s relationship. The last time I remember liking my body and feeling confident since I was 9 years old was during a D/s relationship. Why should I give up that peace and security because of societal expectations?

Someone once told me even if I work through the antecedents, this will most likely always be with me. Why am I fighting so hard against part of myself? Why can’t I just accept it?

Mary Lambert ❤ makes me want to cry in a good way. “I only know how to exist when I am wanted.” 😦 FYI, I’m jealous of her girlfriend; she seems amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7tlFfKCESg

Masochism does not have to be self-destructive. There may be an element of self-hate, but it is so much more than that.

I went to a Catholic Girl’s School and I’m Not Catholic


…but I loved that school I entered the school in 9th grade. At first, I was nervous because the vast majority of students were Catholic, we had to take theology classes, and we had mandatory mass every month. I know this is random, but a girl I went to high school with just posted a link to an article about Catholic girl’s schools and it made me nostalgic!

All my nerves were unfounded. Yes, most girls were Catholic, but our religion almost never came up. Freshman year I invited my best friend to a church lock-in. Her parents knew I was not Catholic and they were okay with that as long as I didn’t belong to a certain non-Judeo-Christian religion, which I did not So, all was well. We prayed every morning during assembly, but no one looked at me oddly for not making the sign of the cross. It was okay if I did not say the prayers along with the others. All anyone expected was for me to be polite during the prayer and not disturb those who prayed. In other words, If I was quiet no one cared.

I was nervous about theology classes, not because I was afraid to be exposed to new belies, but because I figured the others would have a leg up on me and I’d do poorly. Again, this concern was unnecessary! First of all, Theology classes may be a loose term. Freshman year amounted to sex ed, which surprisingly, was not limited to abstinence or heterosexuality. Sophomore year was about the Bible, but the teacher presented outside information. Sure knowledge of the basic stories was helpful, but not needed because the teacher explained the plots while teaching. Junior year was comparative religions. That was interesting! No one had a sure grasp of every religion we studied, so no one had an advantage. Senior year was the best, it was a social justice course It wasn’t so much about Catholic tenants anymore, as it was about what you, individually, believed were moral actions and why. As long as you could articulate your beliefs and support them logically, it did not matter whether you agreed with Catholic teachings or not. It was helpful to me because it forced me to really think about why I believed what I believed.

The first couple of times I was in mass, I was nervous. However, there were procedures for people who were not Catholic Again, the only real expectation was that you did not ruin anyone else’s time. So, when they had communion I could approach the priest if I wanted to, instead of making the sign of the cross I crossed my arms across my chest in an X, like I was doing one of those faith falls where you trust the people behind you to catch you. In that case, the priest would bless me and I’d go back to my seat. After taking communion, people knelt in the pews. I could do this and use the time for my own contemplation, or I could not. No one ever chastised me. In fact, if I felt like it, I could remain in my sea the entire time, neither approaching the priest during communion, nor kneeling.

I’ll always be grateful to my high school! They were uncharacteristically understanding and compassionate. You know those crazy stories of administrators suspending kids for imaginary gun fights? My school was level-headed. At 16 I used the school computers to research Gor and I joined a forum using my school email address because at the time, I was clueless about technology. An administrator on that website contacted my school, even though I lied about my age! I was terrified!! I thought I would get kicked out! Instead the school talked to my parents and asked if they wanted the school to block my internet access until I could use it safely. My parents agreed and it was a reasonable consequence. They were not punishing me, they were keeping me safe!

During junior year, I relapsed with my eating disorder. I barely made it through the 2nd semester before being hospitalized. I was still in treatment during the beginning of my senior year. M school was absolutely wonderful! They worked in concert with my treatment programs to ensure I got all my work. They were understanding about due dates and tests. They did not penalize me for missing half days. For a time, I did half days, starting at going to school once a week for a half-day and then working up from there. I did not reach full time until November! Yet, I graduated on time because my school was so understanding and helpful. I remember more than one girl I was in treatment with did not have helpful schools and some had to repeat grades or fight tooth and nail just to have communication between the treatment center’s tutors and their school. I would not have graduated with my class if my school was not amazing! Plus,, we had a senior year retreat before classes started. I missed it because of treatment and they had a bag of notes made for me. 🙂

Things weren’t perfect but I loved that place. I miss it! If I have daughters and I can afford private school, I will send them there, even though I’m still not Catholic! Sure there was normal teenage behavior, like rumors. Apparently, everyone knew about me. When I got to PHP in my home town, I met a girl from my school who was a year younger and she said she was not surprised to see me there because people talked about me last year. Honestly, with my symptoms and rapid weight loss, it was hard to miss. Gossip is a normal thing for teenage girls.

Yes, I wore a uniform and it was freaking easy! I miss that to! I barely had any clothes during high school because I only wore other clothes on the weekends. It was great to wake up every week day and not have to worry about what I was going to wear or if I’d look stupid or what clothes were clean. It was quick and easy. Going to college, buying a wardrobe, and wearing a new outfit every day was tough! I don’t mean I didn’t  know how to fit in, I mean it was easier to have a uniform! Some people think uniforms are the great equalizer, making it unclear whose parents are wealthy and whose are not. Eh, that is not always true. Our shoes and socks were regulated, but some girls had designer purses or cars for their 16th birthday. Whatever. I still like uniforms! Also, every was relaxed. No one cared about how the looked because there was no one to impress. Almost no one worse make-up. Some girls cared more than I cared and did wear make-up or hair accessories, but no one thought poorly of either choice. The only time I ever wore make-up in high school was for special occasions. It irks my mom now that I continue that habit at 23!

Contrary to popular belief, the nuns at my school were sweet, non-judgmental old ladies who taught a few subjects and lived at the school. I never had a class taught my the nuns, but I never heard a bad word whispered about them ad they always greeted us cheerfully.

I know all girl’s schools have a catty reputation, but there really was not drama! At times people would argue or create drama, but it was rare. Our class was small, 70 girls per grade. If anything, we were very supportive of one another. I’m friends with all of them on Facebook. Last November one girl invited all of us to her house for a get-together. This Christmas season, another girl suggested we all – yes, all – go out clubbing. That is not my idea of fun, but my point is even though I may not be best  friends with all of them, we are friendly. If I was in dire straights, I could ask any one of them for help and they could do the same. Also after hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans school was closed for some time and many of the other Sacred Heart schools in the U.S., including my own, took their girls in until the school was repaired.

Also, one of my teachers volunteered, without my parents even asking, to sit with me at lunch when I first started eating lunch at school again to give me accountability. She was awesome! 🙂

I’m a Daughter of the Sacred Heart and I have the ring to prove it at convents around the world. My family went to Italy and at the Church at the top of the Spanish Steps in Rome is run by Sisters of the Sacred Heart. There is a miraculous painting there. I wanted to see it because I’d heard about it in school, but it was after hours. The painting was located in a school adjacent to the Church and it was closed to the public during the time of day we arrived. I found a nun who spoke English and asked about the painting when she told me it was off limits. I explained where I went to high school and showed her my ring. She got keys, unlocked the building and led me to the painting! ❤ According to the Wikipedia page I looked up for the correct name of the Spanish Steps, it is no longer run by the Sacred Heart, but in 2008 (after the Wikipedia page claims it was turned over to others) the Sisters of the Sacred Heart were still there and in charge.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia


Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I am most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended 😉

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

  I'm trying to get rid of that feeling

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. 😡

I hate myself and I hate the things I do

On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM


Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

Crazy Really Means Feeling Deeply


She’s always been Suzanne in my mind. The way I use ‘crazy’ is
she’s crazy-good, crazy-fun, crazy-fun-to-play, for sure. But she’s
definitely been ‘Suzanne’ to me because I didn’t want to get trapped in
the one layer of just playing ‘crazy.’ When I was approaching the
material, I thought of her as somebody who just feels deeply. This is
someone who loves passionately. Every side of her life is a ’10.’ She
gets mad at a 10, she loves at a 10 and she’s gonna pee at a 10. That’s
how I approach Suzanne,” Aduba said. (via idigitaltimes, “Orange is the New Blacks Season 2 Spoilers”)

🙂 I like this conceptualization of crazy. In some ways I think it is spot on! I think many people with mental illness, especially mood disorders and other disorders like eating disorders, are unusually sensitive. We feel deeply. We may scare easier than others, we may feel lonely a lot, but when we love, we love passionately. In fact, emotions being too strong is why anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar, etc. are a problem! The emotions are normal, but their strength is too much to handle. Therefore, we act “crazy”. We feel so sad that we want to sleep all day or we are so terrified of whatever that we can only cope through self-harm.

…Still not working. 😡 On the bright side, lunch wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t hungry or interested in food at all when it was ready, but I ate without complaint. I feel full, but not sick-full. Sick-full is like that feeling you get after a large Thanksgiving meal, you’re overstuffed, you think you couldn’t possibly eat another morsel for a month, and you feel ill. When I’ve been restricting for a while, normal meals start to create that feeling, which is a problem since I’m living at home again.

I hope by the time I publish this (It was saved as a Draft for a few hours), I am diligently working!

can do it

Also, I forgot to show you …because I have so many people who care, comment, and read this blog 😉 … the shirt I’m wearing today! I wore it hoping it would inspire me to concentrate on studying. So far, no dice.

Photo_00009

Green-eyed Law Students: Interviews, Self-esteem, and Hope


Every time someone in the Sword of Truth mentions Kahlan’s green eyes, I feel a swell of pride and confidence. It makes me feel pretty!

“The intelligence, the nobility, the life in those green eyes was riveting. This was a woman the equal of Richard” Nicci (aka my mind twin!) spellbound by Kahlan’s green eyes in Confessor, by Terry Goodkind.

I know that is silly, but I think it is because I usually find blue eyes the prettiest. Plus, authors often focus on the beauty of blue eyes. It seems most characters have blue or brown eyes. Therefore, Terry Goodkind focusing on the image of her green eyes makes me feel good. In fact, my iris color is one of the only aspects I like about myself physically.

Bridget Regan’s Fricking Gorgeous BLUE eyes:

How can someone be so gorgeous?!? *cries jealous tears*

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/338614465704430659/

My Green eyes:

Photo_00011

While searching for a good book quote about Kahlan’s eyes I came across an interview with Bridget Regan. I’m falling in love. 😉 which reminds me, there used to be a fandom trend called Gay for Kahlan. The author hasn’t posted on that website in a while, but she is still active on Twitter and Tumblr!

Anyway, the interview from http://www.sword-of-truth.com/?page=24 via The TV Chick. The questions are quotes to, I’m just too lazy to correctly use ‘ and ” throughout.

What originally attracted you to the show?

“Well, it was the role. The character of Kahlan was not like any part I had ever auditioned for or played. So, I was immediately drawn to it. I thought that she was really tough and kind of timeless, epic and theatrical which I really was drawn to. I went to a drama school and I grew up doing theater, so I quite liked that the show was kind of heightened and it wasn’t the sort of low energy, common chit-chat show, it was big and epic and exciting and high stakes and all that which I loved.”

This is why I love epic fantasies like Legend of the Seeker/ The Sword of Truth, Lord of the Rings, and The Wheel of Time; the scale is grand and everything is high stakes!

Are you a fan of fantasy?

“I wasn’t at all, actually. (laughs) It was pretty embarrassing when I moved to New Zealand, because the fact that I hadn’t seen Lord Of The Rings, I thought that they were going to turn me around and not let me into the country. But, once I got into [it], I really enjoyed it. The fans are really passionate, and have really strong opinions about things, which I like. You know, we had a fan base before we even started filming the show, which was so cool and bizarre. People had thoughts and feelings about what color my hair should be and my eyes and that was totally new to me.”

Yes, yes we are all a bit cult-ish and kind of amazing, aren’t we? :p In case you can’t tell, I love my geekiness.

Have you read the books or met the author?

“I have not met Terry Goodkind. You know, my parents have because they went to Comic Con in San Diego. That’s where I grew up. I’ve read some of the books. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but I’ve been skipping around. The series isn’t really following the books perfectly, and so you know, I find them really helpful. But sometimes I find it frustrating, because I’ll read something and I’ll be like ugh I really wish we would do this in the show. Or there’s an episode coming up — the one I’m going back to film right after I leave the states — is totally an escape from the book and nothing like that’s happened in it, and I’m so excited to do it because Kahlan gets split into two different bodies…almost like a yin and a yang sort of thing. One of her is the confessor in her, you know, [is] magical, has the powers and everything. And the other is just a woman. And without having both of them in check, things kind of go crazy and it’s such a cool episode for me, and I’m so excited to do it, but it’s not in the book, so you know I’m kind of thankful that we do stray because we get so many cool other opportunities.”

Haha, her parents went to Comic Con! How awesome is that? Plus, I’m jealous of them; I want to meet him!! I love that she read the books. I agree there are some things from the books I wish happened in the TV show (and vice versa!). For example, Cara’s trial from the TV show was neat. Also, the episode she talks about is amazing! (Torn, Season 2, Episode 11)

You were saying before how Kahlan is such a tough character. What does it mean to do you to play her? Do you think it sends a powerful message to women?

“I actually do. This season even more than last, because this season, we introduce a lot of other characters as well. It’s not just me, there are a lot of really kick-butt chicks. The light, the dark and all the mord-siths and everything. But I have a hard time playing the weak ingenue. I wouldn’t get cast as that when I first moved to the city. And I don’t even know, maybe it was because I’m pretty tall and I’m not a tiny little thing. And I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I love it when Kahlan gets to be really strong. I had a dream actually — it’s funny — I haven’t told this to anybody. I had this dream where we were doing a scene and it was a massive, big, war/fight scene. And we were fighting — Kahlan and Richard were fighting all these mord-siths, and we had these resistance fighters who were these scrappy guys. And I was all upset because they cast all these big massive guys to be the D’Harans and all these kind of small, hungry looking guys who were all weak and disheveled to be the resistance guys. None of this really happened in real life, but I dreamt it. So we’re fighting all the mord-siths, and the choreography was that we were supposed to lose. And I was supposed to get beaten, and we were supposed to get captured. And I changed the choreography, confessing all these mord-siths, making them fight with us so that we would win. (laughs) So I was refusing to lose.”

Hmm, this explains why I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than Kahlan in the books. That said, I’m re-reading the books and I think I need to give her more credit. As I re-read the books, I realize she is strong. I may be biased because I saw Legend of the Seeker before reading the books, but Bridget Regan is exactly how I imagine Kahlan. I used to think Bridget’s version was tougher, but now I think she exemplifies Goodkind’s Kahlan perfectly. She brings a spark to the character. I think it is her acting ability and the power of visual media, not a difference in the character’s strength. In other words, bringing the character to life onscreen made her strength more clear; it was not a change in portrayal. Terry Goodkind’s Kahlan is just as strong.

Well, maybe we will see it in a future episode!

“I know! I actually told one of our directors, and he laughed at me. Because in the dream I was looking over to him being like “look see, I got her, she’s on our side now!” Because once I confess someone, then they immediately change, and they’ll do anything to defend my life. So I was totally cheating.”

Ahahahahahahahaha. For someone who isn’t into fantasy, I love how she got so into the character, even dreaming about the plot. 🙂

Is there anything specific you do to get into character or does it just sort of happen when you put on the costume and makeup?

“It’s amazing. I’ve never played a character this long before. But when I put on the dress and the corset, I immediately feel different. It’s not like throwing on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Everything about the costumes are really authentic. There’s no zippers, or buttons or hooks or anything. So to get in that dress it takes twenty minutes of just lacing. And it’s kind of like a ritual in the morning. And that helps. I often go back and read Wizard’s First Rule. I have it in my trailer, my old beat up copy. I have little parts marked. And I really love the sections when it’s in — because the book changes narrative — sometimes it’s in Richard’s head, sometimes it’s in Kahlan’s. I love it when it goes into hers, because it’s like a little cheat sheet, you get to get some ideas. So those sort of things. I listen to a lot of music as well. I have a lot of playlists on my iPod that I bring on set to get me in the mood.”

Yes, her costumes are wonderful! They are intricate and great! Her white Mother Confessor’s dress was the first cosplay I considered! It is cool how simply taking the time to get into costume helps put her in character. It kind of reminds me of wearing a collar. Of course, collars can be practical as a restraint, but mostly I enjoy them because they set the mood. They remind me of my place; they’re like big strong arms, enveloping me in a secure, comforting hug. …around my neck :p I love how she took cues from the book sections in Kahlan’s point of view.

What’s your favorite song that you listen to?

“Oh my God. I really want to do an iTunes playlist! I talked to some people about that. You know it’s actually kind of dark, sad music. It’s a lot of Radiohead, and some White Stripes, too. I like the kind of aggressive, kick ass…sometimes you need that empowering sort of stuff. You know, Kahlan went through a lot of stuff last season…really, really heavy things. And so it was a lot of sad music.”

Oh my God!!! She listens to Radiohead!!!!! 😀 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Well, that makes sense. And what has been your favorite part of filming so far?

“I think — I have to say, it’s really simple. But I love acting every day. It’s so simple, but that’s always what I dreamed of doing, was being an actor, since I was a little kid. And the fact that I get to wake up every morning, and do that, when I have so many friends that are really talented and are living here in New York and in LA and they can’t seem to get that break where they get to do it, so I mean that’s a joy. And playing a part that I love as much as I do is pretty cool — pretty awesome.”

I don’t know her friends, but maybe she got her break because she is better, in other words, freaking epic!

And you were talking about last season being pretty serious. But have there been any funny moments on set?

“Oh my God, there’s lots. I actually was talking about this with Craig just a little while ago. We always want to cut up and play jokes and things like that, but we’re so pressed for time. Because we’re trying to do feature film quality special effects, on a really fast television turnaround schedule. So constantly I want to make him break and do something silly, but we feel like we have to reign it in. But a lot of the girls in wardrobe love to play pranks on Bruce Spence, and I sometimes try to get in on them. But one day, they were all waiting in Bruce’s trailer, wearing pajamas, watching “Dirty Dancing” and eating popcorn. (laughs) And he walked in and thought he was in the wrong room.”

Haha, this is hilarious! They sound like a fun, tight-knit group. I wish LotS could have reigned for years. 😦 I MISS IT!! I have an idea though, if someone amazing network decided to bring it back, they could open with an episode like Home (Season 1, Episode 12) where Richard is tangled in a spell cast by Darken Rhal and he reveals parts of their journey so far, almost including a big secret: The location of the last Box of Orden. Clearly, I would want them to employ Bridget Regan Craig Horner, Tabrett Bethell, and Bruce Spence!

Do all of the cast hang out during your downtime?

“We do. It’s actually such a small town, even if I’m not planning to see Craig [Horner], I run into him all the time. Because we live really, really close to each other. But we do hang out. We get brunches here and there. Bruce and I go to see plays when they come into town. We went and saw this Italian play together with our significant others. We hang out, we do. We have a great time together. It’s like we work really hard, and the crew is really terrific. And honestly all of my friends down at that end of the world are friends from work. The girl that was my dresser, she finally took her maternity leave, and she’s having her baby I think right now. I just got an e-mail that she was in contractions. They’re all my dearest friends down there, all people from work, and they’re gorgeous people who have a real down-to-earth outdoorsy sort of feel to them. They all like to rough it, because we do, we schlep up these mountains to work and they all are really good sports.”

Adorable! I wonder if she is still in contact with any of the cast or crew. I hope so! It would be sad to make such connections and then lose them because the show got cancelled. I suppose that would be no different than going away to college and inevitably losing closeness to high school friends, but it is still sad. I love that they’re really outdoorsy people! I think it is interesting that a lot of geeky people love camping and hiking. *raises hand* I don’t know why, but I noticed a trend. Perhaps it is because our epic fantasies are set in such gorgeous surroundings that we’re pulled from our gaming systems and out into the real world.

You were saying how there has been fan reaction to the show since before it started shooting. What has been the fan reaction to your character and the show? How was your reception at Comic Con?

“Oh, I didn’t go to Comic Con. I did Armageddon, in Auckland, which is kind of like their version of Comic Con. But every time I come home, there’s just all this beautiful letters from fans and things like that. The best compliment that I get is when people say to me ‘You’re how I envisioned Kahlan,’ or ‘How you played her is just how like how I pictured her,’ things like that is just like wow. That’s amazing to me, because for one person to read something and another person, and then my interpretation — for me to bring it to life, that’s really bizarre and has kind of a cosmic-y, spooky kind of feel, because in your mind — when you read something, you get your own picture. And for someone to write to me and go ‘now when I read the books I picture you,’ it’s like wow, that’s so cool.”

😀 That is what I said!!

And can you give a little teaser, without spoiling too much of what’s coming up in season two?

“Hmm…well honestly I don’t really know too much further than a few episodes ahead of us. Because Ken Biller, he keeps a lot of it under wraps, he won’t let us know all the time. I think he changes it often, because I think he’s just got so many ideas. We do have a lot — we’ve had so many good guests from the states, like we have Charisma Carpenter in the first episode, and then we have Jolene Blaylock coming up from “Star Trek,” Amy Teegarden from “Friday Night Lights,” Gabriel Mann from “Mad Men.” I mean, some really great talent has come down to have a little play with us. But, it’s going crazy. I will tell you that on Tuesday, when I go back to work, I have a love scene, a sex scene, and I’m nervous…another one! This season’s been really racy, I can’t believe it, it’s really sexy and cool. I think it’s also Tabrett — because Tabrett’s new, she has some really hot, steamy scenes.”

Season 1 was great, season 2 was amazingly wonderful and spectacular! Cordelia Chase was a bonus!  Lol, there were hot steamy scenes in abundance!

And I’m sure it’s too early to know, but has there been any word on a possible season three?

“Everybody talks about it. It’s so funny, the second you finally hear you’re doing two, it’s like is there going to be three? I don’t know. The show has been sold in something like 130 some countries, so we’re doing pretty well in terms of interest all around the world, which I can imagine is quite a good sign of the studio wanting to continue. I don’t know, I think it’s just a matter of people tuning in. I know that it is hard for us, because I think a lot of our air times are up against a lot of sports and things like that. And I know a lot of people watch our show on Hulu and iTunes, and things like that, which don’t really count for our ratings on TV. I mean, I don’t really understand all this stuff that much but I do know there’s a lot of factors that go into it, other than us just having a good time. But I kind of hope we go to a third. I’m really enjoying my life down there, but you know it’s one of those things where sometimes it seems like it’s going by really slow, and then you go Oh my God, we’re halfway through the season, where’d this year go? Then it goes by really fast.”

😦 COME BACK TO ME! Alas, all I can realistically hold my breath for is Terry Goodkind’s newest Richard and Kahlan book.

I know you were saying you weren’t really a fan: of fantasy before you started this project. So what would you tell viewers who might not watch a lot of fantasy — why should they tune into this show?

“Well what drew me to it was, I guess you could say, the romance: the relationship of Richard and Kahlan. I mean, to me it’s like Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of forbidden love thing. And I really think that’s part of the show, more than sort of magic and wizards and things like that. Maybe to some people it could be distracting, but I really find it to be kind of like, just an escapism sort of thing, where you get to go home, and forget about your day, and just kind of go into this other world — literally. It’s not reality.”

Aw, yes, Kahlan and Richard (and Cara ;P) forever! I love the dynamic between Richard and Kahlan. She is a strong, knowledgeable, opinionated woman, but she is clearly submissive to Richard. The problem is in real life, I need someone I could trust! I don’t have the Seeker of Truth!!! I think Fantasy is the best escapism genre. It is like taking a vacation without leaving home. I like magic; I’ve always had a fascination with the occult. In 8th grade I printed out over 300 pages of spells from the internet and created my own Book of Shadows, it “mysteriously” disappeared one day. However, often authors use it as a catalyst for heroism.

What other projects do you have coming up?

“I did a film in between the two seasons called The Best and The Brightest, and it’s with Neil Patrick Harris, and Amy Sedaris and Christopher McDonald, and Bonnie Somerville. It’s a really fun, great movie. I’m actually going to do ADR for it this afternoon, and I haven’t seen it yet so I’m really excited. That will be coming out sometime in 2010.”

After catching Legend of the Seeker, post-syndication sadly (not that my one view would make a cancellation difference), on Netflix, I looked for other things Bridget Regan was in. I saw The Best and The Brightest. It is hilarious! She is currently in White collar on USA. I’m going to check it out (after exams!) purely because she is in it.

What’s it like filming in New Zealand?

“Every scene that we do that’s outside, it’s all on location all over Auckland, and we’ve gone to the South Island a few times to shoot there as well. It’s really remarkable. It can be energizing as well, you know on a Wednesday in the middle of the week when you’re really tired. And I go to work in the dark usually, around four thirty. And then I come out of the makeup bus, with all the makeup on and everything, and there’s the most insane sunrise you’ve ever seen. And it’s pretty beautiful. I notice the air being so different, as soon I got off the plane in Los Angeles. I take one breath in, and I’m like wow, that did not smell nearly as fresh as it does down at that end of the world. But it’s remarkably beautiful.”

O.O The air smells fresh! 🙂 It sounds divine. The scenery is spectacular, just like in Lord of the Rings. New Zealand is one of the top 3 countries I want to visit before I die.

I did not intend to quote the entire interview! Well, technically, I did not quote the whole thing. I left out one or two questions.

~ ~ ~

Even though I have 0 views today and so I should probably post twice, I’m off to study. I hope, for the whole day. :/ Thanks to my abysmal procrastination, to review all my lecture recordings, I’ll have to study at least 12 hours per day until Tuesday! Somehow I doubt that will occur. There is still hope. It is only 11:30 am. Twelve hours only puts me at 11:30 pm. However, it is the weekend; as a result, my mom will expect me to eat lunch and dinner. Boo weekends! BOO food! I know I need glucose and protein to adequately study, but it just takes time. I still have some Ensure, but somehow I doubt my mom will accept it as a meal replacement. Plus, by the time I publish this it will be well past 11:30 am because I have to go search for a proper picture.

Despite this stress, I am in a good mood so far. I’m not sure why. I took the medication I’ve been skipping for weeks last night. Also, I took all my meds this morning. I accidentally forgot them the other day. Furthermore, I got 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual insomniac 5 hours. Also, I showered, yay Activities of Daily Living! When I’m anxious or my depression is bad or I’m just busy, they suffer. All these things could contribute. Or who knows, maybe I’m happy because I know no matter the outcome, the first (maybe only) semester of 1L hell will be over!

That reminds me, I had a dream I worked at Wal-Mart again. Geez, you know things are bad when you fondly dream of working at an entry-level job at Wal-Mart!

Redemption through Service


Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I
linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little
sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a
religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite
using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious.
Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that
teaches salvation through good works.

You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, my title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki

Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.

It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki

:(

There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.

I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?

This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.

This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell’s 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website.)

Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!

So many questions, no answers.

Like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a Market


Earlier I had a conversation with my dad. He seemed worried about something. He said he had “a daughter intent on making [him] old before [his] time…because [I] let stress overwhelm [me] too easily.” I asked if he meant he feared I would kill myself. He said he thought I was more stable than that for the past few weeks and he worried I would fail school and work as a cashier at Wal-Mart forever because that was the easiest path and (apparently) I often take the easiest path. I give-up too quickly. He compared me to my aunt who has a college degree, but worked half days at a lunch lady at a local school. For 15 years she worked there, but stayed part-time and never attempted to advance her position. She simply did the bare minimum. Furthermore, she lived at my grandma’s house for all those years, rent free, and without contributing to any bills, even groceries. Yet, she had 4 kids who also moved in when she did. He said if I resign myself to being a cashier at Wal-mart, it is “like taking a Maserati and using it to sell vegetables at a market.” In other words, while neither of us believe anyone is “too good” for a job because you should do what pays the bills regardless of your IQ, education, or any so-called “right” to a better job, he thinks it would be a waste for me to drop out of law school and be a cashier. He thinks I can contribute more to the world by being a lawyer.

I suppose I am being weak like he said, but that hurt my feelings. I am not like my aunt. I am not taking the easiest route. I don’t even know what he is talking about! I can’t think of anything I gave up because I didn’t want to do the work. Right now, I am not doing the work I need to do in order to complete the semester. I have not done that work almost the entire semester. It isn’t because I don’t care though. It is because I am scared. I realize that is exactly what he said. The difference is that I don’t want to give up. That is not my intention, yet I know by not studying, I am giving up by proxy.

I don’t know how to force myself to study. I have recordings of lectures. The recorder is sitting next to me; I am supposed to transcribe them and create an outline to take to exams. Since Thanksgiving, I have barely done anything. I haven’t even started one class recording.

I don’t know what I’m saying. He is right, but he hurt my feelings. He is only calling me out with the truth, but I am not like his sister! Even if I don’t make it through law school and I wind up in a entry-level pink-collar job, I would not be like her. I would give my best and I would not turn down offers to work more hours or promotions. If there was no hope of promotion in the company, I would find another job. *sigh*

Nonetheless, it would still be a waste. I know that and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. What little worth I attach to myself is based on others, either I have some worth because people who love me see worth in me, or I have worth because I can make a positive difference in people’s lives. I cannot make the same difference at Wal-Mart and the practice of law. I am squandering potential. While I could still make a difference, just by creating a positive and helpful interaction in someone’s day, it is not the same magnitude of difference and it is wasting the potential to make a larger difference. Purposefully wasting potential like that is wrong. It is not the same as harming people, but it is a little similar because I could have helped more people.

This line of reasoning is similar to my earlier posts. I am no super-human, I am not destined to do anything wonderful, but I do have a duty to try to damnedest and that requires more of me than it may require of someone else. As a result of innate intelligence (which is still not as high as too many other people) and gifts in life, like the ability to go to good schools, I have a duty to make a large positive difference.

Control Issues


Re-watching Legend of the Seeker is so much more fun than studying for law school exams. It is fun to see little nods to Terry Goodkind’s books and also see the differences in cannon.

It also kind of funny because as I watch each episode I remember it a little bit. I find myself thinking,  “YES, Confess someone already! Let’s get on with it!” or “More Mord-Sith, yay! Start with the torture already!” Apparently I do have control issues.

Treatment teams across the years keep insisting EDs are about controlling something when one can’t control other aspects of life. What if I’m just a control freak? If it is that simple, why do I want to give up control? Then again, perhaps I don’t have any desire to give up control. While it is true I enjoy restraint and subservience, I always felt safe because I knew if I said a safe word the pain  would stop. Although to an outsider, it may appear I am a prisoner, in reality, I am the one in control. Granted, utilizing such control, unless I’m in physical danger, defeats the purpose of the dynamic and is rude. The point isn’t that I should or do use control, but that I could if necessary. In that way, I am in control. Then again, if I’m with someone I have not vetted, a safe word is just an illusion. In restraints, someone could easily chose to ignore my safe word.

Or maybe I think too much about control and it is irrelevant. *head* -> *desk*

Clearly this is another facet that needs exploration. *sigh* So complicated.

Speaking of control, I have no self-control unless it involves starving or hurting myself. Apparently, that requires self-control. I don’t know if this no-studying problem is version of self-sabotage or what… Actually, I’m fairly confident it has to do with fear of failure and if I procrastinate enough I can blame my failure on “depression”. Yet at this point, I’m just shooting myself in the foot. UGH.

Is there worth in someone who has so little self-control? Why can I do “difficult” things for another or hurt myself, but I don’t have the self-control to help myself?! I can control myself for someone else, but not for myself. I’m completely other-driven. That seems to imply some deep-seated, internal flaw.

 

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.

I’m not the only Doll


Alas, as far as I know, the technology for imprints and mind-wipes does not exist yet. Ever since the first episode of Dollhouse, I loved the idea of becoming a doll. I’m too tired to think, but I’ll explain my reasoning later. The main point is most people don’t understand the attraction and think it is weird.

A few of the post on the tumbler blog Dollhouse Confessions surprised me.

On the flip side of the coin…

Why the Doll state appeals to me:

  1. Dollhouse_did I fall asleepI  could escape my life for 5 years
  2. In Doll state I would have a higher drive to take care of myself than I do on my own. (I.e. exercise to peak physical fitness, eat healthily, sleep a normal amount) As a result, my body would most likely be healthier than when I went in.
  3. I could be emotionally at peace for 5 years.
  4. I’d live in a beautiful, comfortable environment. I know I wouldn’t remember it, but I still like the idea!
  5. I would get to live ever life and do things I am not capable of doing. Granted, I wouldn’t remember it, but it would still be cool!
  6. I would have skills that are beyond me. Think about it! Instant muscle memory! How awesome would that be? You could become an Olympic athlete overnight.
  7. If any of those things were morally wrong, I wouldn’t remember them. Even if I did somehow remember, I bet I could reason my way out of guilt, by saying I had no choice.
  8. I would have great wealth at the end of 5 years. Hell yes I would give away 5 years of my life if I was 210% financially secure for the rest of my life.
  9. Heck, I would even become of Doll for no money if they would fix my silly brain! Topher thought he could fix Priya’s schizophrenia. He did fix Anthony’s PTSD. Take away all my mental illnesses and you can have my mind and body for 5 years! Although, I’d need assurance that my body would be taken care of.
  10. I might get to retain those skills either like Echo through a composite event, or like Anthony by becoming a Tech Head. I would even sign the dotted line if they just let me keep some skills that would otherwise take years to learn.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Related Quotes

Topher: “They volunteered for this.”

Boyd: “So we’re told.”

I would volunteer…

Topher: “Look at Echo. Not a care in the world. She’s living The Dream.”
Boyd: “Whose Dream?”
Topher: “Who’s next?”

Considering how the programming works, she is living “her” dream as far as she is concerned.

Ballard: So this is it. This is where you steal their souls.”
Topher: “Yeah, and then we put ’em in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides him?” (indicates Boyd)
I do not think, if there is a soul, you can steal it. True, memories make up who we are, memories form our perceptions of the world, our beliefs, our thought processes, who or what we love, but I believe some part of us are inborn, little specks of personality that show up in babies.
_
Woman being interviewed (by a reporter breaking the Dollhouse case) : “The only reason someone would volunteer to be a slave is that they is one already.”
Well, *shrugs* I do think if I ever found someone I could trust enough for that type of relationship dynamic, I would enjoy an M/s relationship. In that sense, am I, at heart, already a slave? Perhaps.
_
Boyd: “What about those things we program them to do? Even if they did sign up, they didn’t know what they were signing up for.”
Topher: “Lay down your burdens, old man. They have what everybody wants. They live every life, have every skill, every experience. They fall in love. Hey, real love with unreserved passion.”
Boyd: “There’s nothing real about it. They’re programmed.”
Topher: “Does that tie keep you warm?”
Boyd: “What? No.”
Topher: “No, it’s just what grown-up men do in our culture. They put a piece of cloth around their necks so they can assert their status and recognize each other as non-threatening kindred.”
Boyd: “So what is this, the ’60s? Are we gonna burn our draft cards?”
Topher: “You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net. You feel guilty, maybe a little suspicious, every time you see that Salvation Army Santa. You look down for at least half a second if a woman leans forward. And your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a big golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Dollhouse_everybody's programmed
Boyd: “Damn. You really spent some time on your self-justification.”
Topher: “Not the case. I don’t care. This is an awesome gig. This is cutting-edge science in a house full of hot chicks. Morality is programming, too.”
I see the inherent ethical problems here. For example, if you consent to something without knowing the full meaning of what you’re consenting to, your consent is invalid. However, I think I should be able to waive my rights. I think, if I don’t care, I should be able to say, “Yes, I acknowledge I will have no say in my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I acknowledge I will have no memory of any events and I know I may not be able to envision all possible scenarios for the next 5 years, but that is okay. As a capable human being, of my own free will, I accept this contract.” I know, I know, there is always the possibility of coercion. It is rife with opportunity to abuse people in other ways. Once you’re in a doll state, you have no guarantee they will ever wake you up again. For instance, they tried to force Priya to be a doll forever. Furthermore, the way consent works in the U.S., you have the ability to withdraw it at any time. In doll state, you lose free will and awareness. Once wiped, you can no longer consent. Anything done to you is technically without consent, it is as if you are unconscious. I understand all this. I promise! I understand the thorny issue of consent, I understand how easy manipulation and abuse would be, and I understand that once in Doll state, I would be helpless. However, for MYSELF, I don’t see why I cannot say I am okay with all these unknowns. You have my life for 5 years.
_
Topher: “We’re great humanitarians.”
Boyd: “Who’d spend their lives in jail if they ever found this place.”
Topher: “We’re all so misunderstood… Which great humanitarians often are.”
Oh Topher, I freaking love you! 🙂 He grows so much. Also, he is a genius and a geek! Smart + geeky = best men.
_
Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Would you be a Doll?
_

Knowledge is a destination.


Still no work done today. 😦 Haha, my mom always asks why I have enough “self-control” to starve myself nearly to death, but not enough to study.

Well… eating disorders are mental illnesses, not “self-control.” She should know that considering she is a psychologist! Case in point: I’m trying to set aside my anxieties and focus on school. That means eating throughout the day, not obsessing about eating disorder related things, and not going over the same fears in my mind ad nauseum. I know to be successful, I need to focus solely on law school for the next 3 weeks. Despite a conscious effort to ignore my eating disorder, I constantly catch myself thinking about losing weight or feeling fat.

I know what she means though. Most people can’t subsist on water for 5 days or force themselves to throw up any food they consume, pushing past dizzy spells, pain, and blood. It doesn’t take self-control; it takes a depth of self-hate few people understand. I wish my “self-control” extended to other areas of my life. In a way, through perfectionism, it does enter other areas of my life. However, the self-loathing and fear coming from my self-concept destroy any benefit of perfectionism. Ironically, I procrastinate because of it.

While searching for a title, I came across the quote in my title: “Knowledge is a destination. Truth, the journey.” Again it is from Zeddicus Z’ul Zorander. I’m going to try to think of Law School this way. All those foreign words and new ideas seem overwhelming and tedious. However, if I learn them all, I will end up with the knowledge needed to discover the truth (of cases). Yet, right now, I need to write a paper.

One desperate act after another


Yeah, creative post title. I know. It is 5 am and I can’t sleep. I’ll make a better post when I can think. I thought the blog looked weird without a post.

I’m using this blog to write about my sexuality because I’m not at peace with it yet. However, since my sexuality may be linked to other facets of my personality and environment, I will also write about school and mental health.

*edit* The original title was “First…” I changed it to a quote from Zeddicus Zu’l Zorander. “Sometimes that’s all life is: one desperate act after another.” Stone of Tears, Chapter 22, page 259

It perfectly captures my feelings at the moment.