Nobody Likes You When You’re 23.


"Wait, What?"

e0630b01bb12cb68739f6f151d295cf9

It’s true, nobody actually likes you when you’re 23. Here’s a list of uncomfortable things I’ve learned in 1 month of being 23.

  1. You‚Äôre too ‚Äúgraduated‚ÄĚ for your college friends. Sure it‚Äôs great to hang out every once in a while, go out for drinks or run into them at the bar on the weekends, but for the most part, their lives revolve around school, school friends and campus life. Nothing that you‚Äôre really welcome to unless it‚Äôs an Alumni function. Not to say that you don‚Äôt love all your college friends dearly, you just don‚Äôt want to be that person that people question if you graduated or not.
  2. You‚Äôre not ‚Äúcareer‚ÄĚ enough for your older friends. By now, most of the older people you know are either in grad school, living the ‚Äúcollege friend‚ÄĚ life still, or they‚Äôre working full time far away from you. I, personally‚Ķ

View original post 469 more words

Just so you know I AM ALIVE


Life is just crazy. Things are in upheaval and my depression is awful (like stay in bed all day, don’t shower for days on end bad). I’ll update more by Monday. Sorry I disappeared. It was/is a bad stretch.

 

Depression is like:

no friends

I’m working to reach out to all my family and friends (including you) that I’ve isolated myself from.

 

white tulip fring walter

Forgive me?

NOOOO!!!!


I’m not in love. I KNOW that. However, I sense my feelings slipping. As much as I like someone else to take control in various areas of my life, I detest not being able to control my emotions!

Angel_weak

I find my fantasies changing from faceless amoral kidnappers, to him. Of course, there is still violence, but it is different. There is less of the foolhardy kind I can indulge in the safety of my mind and more of the safe and sane kind. Worse still I find my fantasies sometimes revolving around the future, like kids and normal family things. I had a tough time sleeping last night.

Angel_humanity

I know I am not in love. It is impossible. I am in lust. As I said earlier, I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and it terrifies me. I want to reign in my emotions. I can see getting too close and feel my heart breaking. I’m afraid.

This sucks! I want so badly to fall in love, have that deep connection with someone, and grow old together. At the same time, I’m scared to let myself be emotionally dependent on someone, to be too enamored, and then they’ll leave and I’ll be bereft. ugh people red orange is the new black

At the same time, I am afraid this feeling will fade. In fact, from other’s descriptions, I believe it will fade. Yet, I fear it will not be replaced with whatever affection keeps people in long-term relationships going. I know he isn’t the only person in the world, but in terms¬†of necessary qualities¬†for a spouse,¬†he is damn near perfect in every¬† important way.

On the bright side, I told him about self-injury and he didn’t seem too fazed.

*edit* I asked him why he wasn’t bothered by the SI. His response was incredible. I’ve never had a more understanding response, except from people who also self-injure. Quoting this will remove all doubt of my identity if he ever reads this blog, which would be unfortunate because depression and ED are still hidden. However, there is already more than enough here to identify me to someone who knows me personally.

“It’s not that it was something anyone wants their sub doing, but I’m realistic and understand that going through the normal struggles of life, plus your innate desires for pain, plus having to cope with accepting this side of yourself was a huge pressure, and that happens. There are plenty of angsty teens who cut without having to deal with the latter two pressures. You’re only human.”

Tara_surprised

Blah Blah Woof Woof


Ah, repetition… I’ve texted back and forth with the same guy the past few days. He wants to get together again and I do to. I really like him. It scares the hell out of me. I’m not stupid, I know it isn’t love. It could be lust, but I don’t think so. It is different from the feeling when I just¬†want someone’s body. That sounds callous, doesn’t it? C’est la vie. What else is there to judge a stranger by?

Callous and strange

I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I want him. AND I DON’T LIKE IT. I don’t like it because good feelings don’t last and the better the feeling, the harder the fall. I’m emotionally vulnerable and I barely know him! What happens if I spend more time with him? The feeling might wither and I’ll be safe or it will get stronger and I’ll be weaker.

How to Handle a Potentially Awkward Situation


1. The guy I like is a new doctor at a hospital in town.

2. My mom works at the same hospital.

3. My mom is not an MD, but she is second only to the head of the department.

4.  She is not in the same department as the doctor.

5. She knows the people who are the heads of other departments and the people who have her job in other medical disciplines.

6. She is close friends with a well-known doctor in the hospital who is in his department.

7. When I say close I mean they and some other couples have monthly dinners, monthly card games, they donated blood to me when I was a baby, we went to the same church until I was 18, and they went to my grandparent’s lake house with us for a week (none of their other friends have been there). Furthermore,¬†when I was 5 – 12 years old , the well-known doctor, his daughter, my dad and I did this year-round YMCA thing where we went camping together for a week every year and met monthly to make crafts. When he sees me he still greets me by the program’s special greeting. There were Dad/daughter pairs in our group, but his daughter was my closest friend and we spent hours carpooling to and from meetings and camp sites. Also, my mom tried to set me up with one of his sons.

Samdeancas-awkward

8. I’m planning on telling my mom I met him on another dating website. She should be okay with that because she encouraged me to make an account on a different website. She might be mad that I met him without telling her, but too bad. She’ll get over it. I’m worried my mom will ask either the head of his department, the second in command of his department, or her friend about this guy.

9. Usually I wouldn’t worry about her being invasive; she has never pried into the life of anyone else I’ve dated.¬†However, I think she’ll be wary since we met online.

I asked my brother and he was not too helpful. He responded, “I have no idea.”

I know none of you know my mother, but from the above description, do you think I’m being paranoid?

Ah, Hell, I’m a Walking DSM


I was going to make this into 3 posts, but when I Copy/Paste it doesn’t keep all the formatting changes I made!! There is a section for Depressive Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Dependent Personality Disorder (in that order). All the red or black text is from Wikipedia. All the red text are descriptions¬†or feelings I identify with and the blue¬†words are my comments.¬†Each section heading is purple and bolded. To be clear I have none of these diagnoses, but they fit me too well. My real diagnoses are: Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Anorexia Nervosa (Then EDNOS, then Bulimia, now EDNOS again) and Bi-polar type 2. (Only one psychiatrist gave the bipolar diagnosis and no one before or after him agrees, nonetheless, it is written in some file, somewhere.)

Depressive personality disorder (also known as melancholic personality disorder)

is a controversial psychiatric diagnosis that denotes a personality disorder with depressive features.

Originally included in the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-II, depressive personality disorder was removed from the DSM-III and DSM-III-R.[1] Recently, it has been reconsidered for reinstatement as a diagnosis. Depressive personality disorder is currently described in Appendix B in the DSM-IV-TR as worthy of further study. Although no longer listed in the manual’s personality disorder category, the diagnosis is included under the section ‚Äúpersonality disorder not otherwise specified‚ÄĚ.

While depressive personality disorder shares some similarities with mood disorders such as dysthymic disorder, it also shares many similarities with personality disorders including avoidant personality disorder. Some researchers argue that depressive personality disorder is sufficiently distinct from these other conditions so as to warrant a separate diagnosis.

Characteristics

The DSM-IV defines depressive personality disorder as “a pervasive pattern of depressive cognitions and behaviors beginning by early adulthood and occurring in a variety of contexts.”[1] Depressive personality disorder occurs before, during, and after major depressive episodes, making it a distinct diagnosis not included in the definition of either major depressive episodes or dysthymic disorder. Specifically, five or more of the following must be present most days for at least two years in order for a diagnosis of depressive personality disorder to be made:

  • Usual mood is dominated by dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness and unhappiness
  • Self-concept centers on beliefs of inadequacy, worthlessness and low self-esteem
  • Is critical, blaming and derogatory towards the self
  • Is brooding and given to worry
  • Is negativistic, critical and judgmental toward others
  • Is pessimistic
  • Is prone to feeling¬†guilty or remorseful

Supernatural_hate what u see

People with depressive personality disorder have a generally gloomy outlook on life, themselves, the past and the future. They are plagued by issues developing and maintaining relationships. In addition, studies have found that people with depressive personality disorder are more likely to seek psychotherapy than people with Axis I depression spectrums diagnoses.

Recent studies have concluded that people with depressive personality disorder are at a greater risk of developing dysthymic disorder than a comparable group of people without depressive personality disorder.[2] These findings lead to the fact that depressive personality disorder is a potential precursor to dysthymia or other depression spectrum diagnoses. If included in the DSM-V, depressive personality disorder would be included as a warning sign for potential development of more severe depressive episodes.

Researchers at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts looked at the comorbidity of depressive personality disorder and a variety of other disorders. It was found that subjects with depressive personality disorder were more likely than the subjects without depressive personality disorder to currently have major depression and an eating disorder. Subjects with and without depressive personality disorder were statistically equally likely to have any of the other disorders examined.[citation needed]

Axis I Disorders in Subjects With and Without Depressive Personality Disorder[citation needed]
Present (N=30) Absent (N=24)
Disorder N  % N  % pa[clarification needed]
Major Depression  
Current 12 40 7 29 0.57
Lifetime 25 83 17 71 0.33
Bipolar Disorder
Current 2 7 2 8 1.00
Lifetime 2 7 4 17 0.39
Dysthymia  
All Types 11 37 8 33 1.00
Primary early onset 5 17 5 21 0.74
Any mood disorder  
Current 20 67 14 58 0.58
Lifetime 28 93 22 92 1.00
Substance use disorders (lifetime) 11 37 7 29 0.77
Anxiety disorders (lifetime) 15 50 11 46 0.79
Somatoform disorders (lifetime) 2 7 1 4 1.00
Eating disorders (lifetime) 7 23 1 4 0.06

Millon’s subtypes

Theodore Millon identified five subtypes of depression.[1][3] Any individual depressive may exhibit none, or one or more of the following:

  • Ill-humored depressive, including negativistic (passive-aggressive) features. Patients in this subtype are often hypochondriacal, cantankerous and irritable, and guilt-ridden and self-condemning. In general, ill-humored depressives are down on themselves and think the worst of everything.
  • Voguish depressive, including histrionic, narcissistic features. Voguish depressives see unhappiness as a popular and stylish mode of social disenchantment, personal depression as self-glorifying, and suffering as ennobling. The attention from friends, family, and doctors is seen as a positive aspect of the voguish depressive‚Äôs condition.
  • Self-derogating depressive, including dependent features. Patients who fall under this subtype are self-deriding, discrediting, odious, dishonorable, and disparage themselves for weaknesses and shortcomings. These patients blame themselves for not being good enough.
  • Morbid depressive, including masochistic features. Morbid depressives experience profound dejection and gloom, are highly lugubrious, and often feel drained and oppressed.
  • Restive depressive, including avoidant features. Patients who fall under this subtype are consistently unsettled, agitated, wrought in despair, and perturbed. This is the subtype most likely to commit suicide in order to avoid all the despair in life.[1]

Not all patients with a depressive disorder fall into a subtype. These subtypes are multidimensional in that patients usually experience multiple subtypes, instead of being limited to fitting into one subtype category. Currently, this set of subtypes is associated with melancholic personality disorders. All depression spectrum personality disorders are melancholic and can be looked at in terms of these subtypes.

DSM-V

Similarities to dysthymic disorder

Much of the controversy surrounding the potential inclusion of depressive personality disorder in the DSM-V stems from its apparent similarities to dysthymic disorder, a diagnosis already included in the DSM-IV. Dysthymic disorder is characterized by a variety of depressive symptoms, such as hypersomnia or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor appetite, or difficulty making decisions, for over two years, with symptoms never numerous or severe enough to qualify as major depressive disorder. Patients with dysthymic disorder may experience social withdrawal, pessimism, and feelings of inadequacy at higher rates than other depression spectrum patients. Early-onset dysthymia is the diagnosis most closely related to depressive personality disorder.[4]

The key difference between dysthymic disorder and depressive personality disorder is the focus of the symptoms used to diagnose. Dysthymic disorder is diagnosed by looking at the somatic senses, the more tangible senses. Depressive personality disorder is diagnosed by looking at the cognitive and intrapsychic symptoms. The symptoms of dysthymic disorder and depressive personality disorder may look similar at first glance, but the way these symptoms are considered distinguish the two diagnoses.

Comorbidity with Other Disorders

Many researchers believe that depressive personality disorder is so highly comorbid with other depressive disorders, manic-depressive episodes and dysthymic disorder, that it is redundant to include it as a distinct diagnosis. Recent studies however, have found that dysthymic disorder and depressive personality disorder are not as comorbid as previously thought. It was found that almost two thirds of the test subjects with depressive personality disorder did not have dysthymic disorder, and 83% did not have early-onset dysthymia.[1]

The comorbidity with Axis I depressive disorders is not as high as had been assumed. An experiment conducted by American psychologists showed that depressive personality disorder shows a high comorbidity rate with major depression experienced at some point in a lifetime and with any mood disorders experienced at any point in a lifetime. A high comorbidity rate with these disorders is expected of many diagnoses. As for the extremely high comorbidity rate with mood disorders, it has been found that essentially all mood disorders are comorbid with at least one other, especially when looking at a lifetime sample size.[5]

Changes to Cluster C

If depressive personality disorder were added to the DSM-V, it would be included in the Cluster C personality disorders, anxious and fearful personality disorders. At this time, those include avoidant, obsessive-compulsive, and dependent personality disorders. The make-up of Cluster C would have to be rethought, as the figure shown below could no longer represent all of the disorders if depressive personality disorder were to be included. The relation shown in the Venn diagram has been accepted for years and would have to be rethought and redesigned if depressive personality disorder were to be added. Further studies are in progress looking into the comorbidity of Cluster C disorders and depressive personality disorder, as well as how these disorders interact with each other in patients diagnosed with multiple Cluster C disorders.

Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) THIS IS LIKE MY ENTIRE FUCKING PERSONALITY AS A MENTAL ILLNESS O.o

also known as anxious personality disorder,[1] is a Cluster C personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook as afflicting persons when they display a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.[2] Individuals afflicted with the disorder tend to describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, lonely, and generally feel unwanted and isolated from others.[3]

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection (e.g., bullying) are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.[4]

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia (I have a Social Phobia diagnosis *Shrug*) are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form.[5][6] This is argued because generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.[7][8][9]

Signs and symptoms

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings (Ahahahaha, Have you read this blog?!?!?) and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others. They often view themselves with contempt,[3] while showing an increased inability to identify traits within themselves which are generally considered as positive within their societies.[10] Childhood emotional neglect‚ÄĒin particular, the rejection of a child by one or both parents‚ÄĒhas been associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD, as well as rejection by peers.[4]

  • Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
  • Self-imposed social isolation
  • Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships[11]
  • Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus…Except when I want pain.
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Severe low self-esteem
  • Self-loathing
  • Mistrust of others
  • Emotional distancing related to intimacy
  • Highly self-conscious
  • Self-critical about their problems relating to others
  • Problems in occupational functioning
  • Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
  • Feeling inferior to others
  • In some extreme cases, agoraphobia
  • Uses fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts[12][13]¬†…Well, that is just awkward! Many of the psychodynamic theorists think masochism is a form of self-escapism. I despise psycho dynamic theory, but who knows…Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

Causes

Causes of avoidant personality disorder are not clearly defined and may be influenced by a combination of social, genetic, and psychological factors. The disorder may be related to temperamental factors that are inherited.[14][15] Specifically, various anxiety disorders in childhood and adolescence have been associated with a temperament characterized by behavioral inhibition, including features of being shy, fearful, and withdrawn in new situations.[16] These inherited characteristics may give an individual a genetic predisposition towards AvPD.[17] Childhood emotional neglect[18][19][20][21] and peer group rejection[12] are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.[14]

Millon’s subtypes

Psychologist Theodore Millon notes that because most patients present a mixed picture of symptoms, their personality disorder tends to be a blend of a major personality disorder type with one or more secondary personality disorder types.[22] He identified four adult subtypes of avoidant personality disorder.[23]

Subtype Features
Phobic (including dependent features) General apprehensiveness displaced with avoidable tangible precipitant; qualms and disquietude symbolized by repugnant and specific dreadful object or circumstances.
Conflicted (including negativistic features) Internal discord and dissension; fears dependence (ironically, yes); unsettled; unreconciled within self; hesitating, confused, tormented, paroxysmic, embittered; unresolvable angst.
Hypersensitive (including paranoid features) Intensely wary and suspicious; alternately panicky, terrified, edgy, and timorous, then thin-skinned, high-strung, petulant, and prickly.
Self-deserting (including depressive features) Blocks or fragments self awareness; discards painful images and memories *cough* “memories” *cough*; casts away untenable thoughts and impulses OMFG, it is like this man has been inside my head!; ultimately jettisons self (suicidal) I like the name of this one it; I used to wish I could literally run away from my mind.[22]

Diagnosis

World Health Organization

The World Health Organization’s ICD-10 lists avoidant personality disorder as (F60.6) anxious (avoidant) personality disorder.[1] It is characterized by at least four of the following:

  1. persistent and pervasive feelings of tension and apprehension;
  2. belief that one is socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others;
  3. excessive preoccupation with being criticized or rejected in social situations;
  4. unwillingness to become involved with people unless certain of being liked;
  5. restrictions in lifestyle because of need to have physical security;
  6. avoidance of social or occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
Associated features may include hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism.

It is a requirement of ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfy a set of general personality disorder criteria.

American Psychiatric Association

The DSM-IV-TR also has an Avoidant Personality Disorder diagnosis. It refers in general to a widespread pattern of inhibition around people, feeling inadequate and being very sensitive to being evaluated negatively, since early adulthood and occurring in a range of situations. In addition, four of seven specific criteria should be met, which are: AW, that is adorable APA! 4/7!! ūüėČ Although, I don’t know what the hell these people are talking about “early adulthood”. Everyone around me describes me in these terms, even people that like me…but it had always been this way!

  1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
  2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
  3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
  4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
  5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
  6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
  7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risk or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing Personal risk if it means self-harm, a lack of concern for my own safety, etc., is certainly not me! However, mentally I hate new situations because of awkwardness/ embarrassing-ness.

Other

Earlier theorists proposed a personality disorder with a combination of features from borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, called “avoidant-borderline mixed personality” (AvPD/BPD).*shudders in disgust* No one has yet to diagnose me with BPD, but it seems like all ED people who don’t “grow out of it:” end up with this diagnosis and it terrifies me!

Differential diagnosis

Research suggests that people with avoidant personality disorder, in common with sufferers of chronic social anxiety disorder (also called social phobia), <- See, most of the time I think the diagnostic differences are silly! I believe everything, my thoughts (Self-loathing), my actions (ED, SI), and feelings (depression, nerves, fear) result from the same core anxiety. excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. However, unlike social phobics they also excessively monitor the reactions of the people with whom they are interacting. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with avoidant personality disorder; they are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, avoidant personality disorder must be differentiated from dependent, paranoid, schizoid and schizotypal personality disorders.[26]

Comorbidity

Avoidant personality disorder is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders, (SEE?! Clinicians of the world: I’m telling you it is all the same freaking thing! Believe me I was practically born this way, I’ve heard about psychological theories all my life because my mom is a psychologist, and really I should have an honorary PhD in psychology because I’ve spent almost half my life (it will be exactly half my life once I turn 24) in therapy 1 – 4 times/week!) although estimates of comorbidity vary widely due to differences in (among others) diagnostic instruments. Research suggests that approximately 10‚Äď50% of people who have panic disorder with agoraphobia have avoidant personality disorder, as well as about 20‚Äď40% of people who have social phobia (social anxiety disorder).

Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among people with generalized anxiety disorder (Yep, this is in my thick medical chart to) and up to 56% of those with obsessive-compulsive disorder.[27]

Treatment

Treatment of avoidant personality disorder can employ various techniques, such as social skills training, cognitive therapy, exposure treatment to gradually increase social contacts, group therapy for practicing social skills, and sometimes drug therapy.[28] A key issue in treatment is gaining and keeping the patient’s trust, since people with avoidant personality disorder will often start to avoid treatment sessions if they distrust the therapist or fear rejection. LOLZ, does that sound familiar? …Ahem…The day I wrote this I skipped therapy (oops)¬†The primary purpose of both individual therapy and social skills group training is for individuals with avoidant personality disorder to begin challenging their exaggerated negative beliefs about themselves.[29]

People with AvPD can improve social awareness and skills, but with deep-seated feelings of inferiority and significant social fear, these patterns usually do not change dramatically. MAOIs such as Phenelzine can be very helpful by increasing confidence and the feeling of wanting to become more socially active.

Dependent personality disorder (DPD),

formerly known as asthenic personality disorder, is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pervasive psychological dependence on other people. This personality disorder is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend on others to meet their emotional and physical needs, with only a minority achieving normal levels of independence. ūüė¶ I’m actually terrified of this possibility because I know (numerous therapists and my parents have all said) I’m slightly behind in¬†terms of emotional development and independence because eating disorders stunt emotional growth.¬†

The difference between a ‘dependent personality’ and a ‘dependent personality disorder’ is somewhat subjective, which makes diagnosis sensitive to cultural influences such as gender role expectations.

Characteristics

View of others

Individuals with DPD see other people as much more capable to shoulder life’s responsibilities, to navigate a complex world, and to deal with the competitions of life.[1] Other people appear powerful, competent, and capable of providing a sense of security and support to individuals with DPD. Dependent individuals avoid situations that require them to accept responsibility for themselves; they look to others to take the lead and provide continuous support. O.O Submissiveness?!?!?

DPD judgment of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were, rather than as they are.[3] These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive.[4] Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible. Dear God, that family therapist was right. We’re enmeshed! ūüė¶

Self-image

Individuals with DPD see themselves as inadequate and/or helpless; they believe they are in a cold and dangerous world and are unable to cope on their own. Actually, I believe everyone is in a cold and dangerous world…They define themselves as inept and abdicate self-responsibility (using mental illness as an excuse?); they turn their fate over to others (submission and/or masochism??). These individuals will decline to be ambitious and believe that they lack abilities, virtues and attractiveness.[6][7]

The solution to being helpless in a frightening world is to find capable people who will be nurturing and supportive toward those with DPD…Except people scare me (See avoidant Personality Disorder *laughs bitterly* Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. People like me because I am all those adjectives. They will deny their individuality and subordinate their desires to significant others. STOP describing my romantic relationships in the context of mental illness, please! They internalize the beliefs and values of significant others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of something more powerful and they imagine themselves to be supporting others. This diagnosis is making me angry! By seeing themselves as protected by the power of others, they do not have to feel the anxiety attached to their own helplessness and impotence. A-freaking-men.

However, to be comfortable with themselves and their inordinate helplessness, (not helpless, just hopelessly pathetic) individuals with DPD must deny the feelings they experience and the deceptive strategies they employ. (Bwahahaha maybe that is why this one is pissing me off but the other¬†3 didn’t) They limit their awareness of both themselves and others. Their limited perceptiveness allows them to be naive and uncritical.[9] Their limited tolerance for negative feelings, perceptions, or interaction results in the interpersonal and logistical ineptness that they already believe to be true about themselves. Their defensive structure reinforces and actually results in verification of the self-image they already hold.

Relationships

Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. They do not define themselves as able to function independently (I’m afraid and I’ve verbally expressed that fear numerous times to numerous people…all of whom say I’m being an idiot because I’m perfectly capable of independence…but…but…IDK…); they have to be in supportive relationships to be able to manage their lives. (Like how I thrive in D/s relationships?) In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend.…But…these qualities are the only things (other than raw intelligence) that I like about myself! I have trouble expressing anger because I don’t like conflict. I want to please people. I want to make people happy. So, I rarely display anger. I admire sacrifice and all encompassing love. I’m definitely loyal, but affectionate only with people I love (which are few, otherwise people should keep to their own personal bubbles) So, apparently, I’m not really a nice person;¬†I’m self-serving and traits people have praised me for my¬†entire life are disordered?¬†The first thing people say about it me is that accommodating, easy-going, loyal, kind, sweet, gentle, slow to anger…I always pride myself on these attributes because I thought that made me a better person (that is, better than the nameless evil I usually see in the mirror – not literal psychosis fyi). ūüė¶

Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the dominant people in their lives that those people are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent (but what if they truly are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent?…Err, complimenting people is bad?!?!) With these methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable or isolated people. (Not really! I’m geeky (Oh, I like that about me to!) and geeky people are sometimes isolated) To further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own (LOL, NOPE, NOT MY OWN!!) and others’ failures and shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance.[11] They will engage in a mawkish minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others’ negative, self-defeating, or destructive behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they depend. (but…I love the people I love! STOP telling me¬†it is abnormal to ignore people’s faults! >.< How could you have a relationship without minimizing the other person’s faults? I’m not saying I think everyone else is perfect, but if I looked at others the way I looked at myself, I would probably try to destroy the universe) They will deny their individuality, their differences, and ask for little other than acceptance and support.[12]

Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment. (This is just getting awkward…I like submission and masochism damn it! And it isn’t abuse if it occurs between 2 consenting adults! Also, all relationships involve compromise of some kind) Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend. (Yay!¬†A trait that¬†isn’t true for me! ¬†I might do something minor like idk, drugs, but I wouldn’t do something that is undeniably immoral, such as abusing puppies) They will volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. (Ummm….Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do for people we care about?! Help them?!?!) They will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds. (But self-sacrifice makes you a better person…It shows you care! Also, it makes people like you.)

It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship. *crickets chirping in the background* It is the strength of the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable. (SO, NOT TRUE!!!! NOPE! NADA! My “strong” people are irreplaceable! Also, it takes me a looong time to attach and trust people because¬†people are scary¬†(see avoidant personality disorder)) Attachment to others is a self-referenced and, at times, haphazard process of securing the protection of the most readily available powerful other willing to provide nurturance and care. (Oh shut up! Everyone cares about their partner’s ability to meet their needs! If that happens to involve dominance…so what?)

Comparison with other PDs

Both DPD and HPD are distinguished from other personality disorders by their need for social approval and affection and by their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. (Said everyone EVER! Everyone makes concessions for people they care about! And everyone (most everyone) cares about social approval) They both feel paralyzed when they are alone and need constant assurance that they will not be abandoned. (ah, my poor family.. I am continuously extracting promises that no matter what I do, they’ll love me, I’m not a burden, once my grandparents die my uncles and parents and my generation will get together on holidays, once my parents die my brother and sister-in-law will¬†invite me to see them and stuff like that because¬†everyone leaves eventually)¬†Individuals with DPD are passive individuals who lean on others to guide their lives. (UGH, passiveness makes me agreeable and likable and fun to be around. I don’t argue. I might be saying awful things in my head, but they’ll never know) People with HPD are active individuals who take the initiative to arrange and modify the circumstances of their lives. They have the will and ability to take charge of their lives and to make active demands on others.[17]

Causes

No studies of genetics or of biological traits for dependents have been conducted. Central to their psychodynamic constellation is an insecure form of attachment to others, which may be the result of clinging parental behavior.[18]

Epidemiology

Dependent personality disorder occurs in about 0.5% of the general population. It is more frequent in females.[19]

Diagnosis

The following questions when assessing individuals for DPD:[20]

  • Some people enjoy making decisions. Others prefer to have someone they trust guide them. Which do you prefer?
  • Do you seek advice for everyday decisions? (Are the decisions you make understood by the practitioner?) NO…maybe….IDK…
  • Do you find yourself in situations where other people have made decisions about important areas in your life, e.g. what job to take? No!
  • Is it hard for you to express a different opinion with someone you are close to? What do you think might happen if you did? Yes because then they’ll see me for the monster I am and they’ll despise me as much as I despise myself.
  • Do you often pretend to agree with others even if you do not? Why? Do you think it could get you into trouble if you disagree? Yes (see above). Also, why sow discord in general? If it is something I really care about, I’ll disagree, but if it is about what movie we should watch or most political beliefs…
  • Do you often need help to get started on a project? What does that mean? Like I need help because I’m incapable of starting it (no) or I need help because I procrastinate? No one helps me start projects, well, the professors do with their due dates…
  • Do you ever volunteer to do unpleasant things for others so they will take care of you when you need it? Duh.
  • Are you uncomfortable when you are alone? Are you afraid you will not be able to take care of yourself? Not really. The problem is I’m afraid I’ll be alone FOREVER.¬† In the moment,¬†I usually prefer being alone because then there is no chance of embarrassing myself or hurting someone, etc. I just don’t want to be totally alone forever…
  • Have you found that you are desperate to get into another relationship right away when a close relationship ends? Even if the new relationship might not be the best person for you? NOPE. It has been 3 years. :p Screw you, test! (Ha, that would not be received well if this was a real diagnostic interview!)
  • Do you worry about important people in your life leaving you? Yes, because they’re all going to die eventually. More likely, they’ll move on with their lives, find better friends/lovers/people and forget me because at the core, I suck.

American Psychiatric Association

The DSM-IV-TR contains a Dependent Personality Disorder diagnosis. It refers to a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of which leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation. (I am not clingy because clinginess annoys people! Also, I fear separation because it might turn into abandonment, but I don’t fear separation itself like toddlers who cry when their mom drops them off at daycare) This begins by early adulthood and can present in a variety of contexts.:[21]

World Health Organization

The World Health Organization’s ICD-10 lists dependent personality disorder as F60.7 Dependent personality disorder:[22]

It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:

  1. encouraging or allowing others to make most of one’s important life decisions;
  2. subordination of one’s own needs to those of others on whom one is dependent, and undue compliance with their wishes; (and what do you, World Health Organization, expect someone who is dependant on another person, for whatever reason, to do? NOT comply with their wishes and risk getting kicked out?)
  3. unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on the people one depends on;
  4. feeling uncomfortable or helpless when alone, because of exaggerated fears of inability to care for oneself;
  5. preoccupation with fears of being abandoned by a person with whom one has a close relationship, and of being left to care for oneself;
  6. limited capacity to make everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others. Maybe…but I refuse to acknowledge this! I need reassurance, of course!¬†is that so bad? ūüė¶ How do you know what is excessive?

Associated features may include perceiving oneself as helpless, incompetent, and lacking stamina.

Includes:

  • asthenic (physical or emotional? Physical: No; Emotional: Yes), inadequate, passive, and self-defeating personality (disorder) (AKA Masochistic Personality Disorder)

It is a requirement of ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.

Millon’s subtypes

Psychologist Theodore Millon identified five adult subtypes of dependent personality disorder.[23][24] Any individual dependent may exhibit none or one of the following:

Subtype Description Personality Traits
Disquieted Including avoidant features Restlessly perturbed; disconcerted and fretful; feels dread and foreboding; apprehensively vulnerable to abandonment; lonely unless near supportive figures.
Selfless Including depressive features Merges with and immersed into another; is engulfed, enshrouded, absorbed, incorporated, willingly giving up own identity; becomes one with or an extension of another.
Immature Variant of ‚Äúpure‚ÄĚ pattern Unsophisticated, half-grown, unversed, childlike; undeveloped, inexperienced, gullible, and unformed; incapable of assuming adult responsibilities.
Accommodating Including masochistic features Gracious, neighborly, eager, benevolent, compliant, obliging, agreeable; denies disturbing feelings; adopts submissive and inferior role well.
Ineffectual Including schizoid features Unproductive, gainless, incompetent, useless, meritless; seeks untroubled life; refuses to deal with difficulties; untroubled by shortcomings.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, I fit all the personality traits of masochistic and depressive subtypes of Dependant Personality Disorder! And 1/2 of the Avoidant subtype. …WHY does no one acknowledge that all of this is the SAME problem?!?!?! THINK ABOUT IT! ED, SI, suicide, they’re all a result of dysregulation, often involving anxiety!

Differential diagnosis

The following conditions commonly coexist (comorbid) with dependent personality disorder:[19]

  • mood disorders Wouldn’t you be depressed or anxious with all these fears and beliefs abut yourself running rampant in your head?!?!? YES YOU WOULD ūüėõ Ha, I tried explaining my depressive episode from last semester to my mom by articulating a bunch of my daily thoughts and her exact words were, “Wow, no wonder you’re depressed”
  • anxiety disorders (SAME THING; Also, I think EDs are anxiety disorders)
  • adjustment disorder
  • borderline personality disorder (REALLY FREAKING SIMILAR…but not identical)
  • avoidant personality disorder (SAME THING)
  • histrionic personality disorder

Treatment

Adler suggests that treatment goals for all personality disorders include: preventing further deterioration, regaining an adaptive equilibrium, (I have no adaptive equilibrium) alleviating symptoms, restoring lost skills, and fostering improved adaptive capacity. Goals may not necessarily include characterological restructuring. The focus of treatment is adaptation, i.e., how individuals respond to the environment. Treatment interventions teach more adaptive methods of managing distress, improving interpersonal effectiveness, and building skills for affective regulation.[25]

For individuals with DPD, the goal of treatment is not independence but autonomy. Autonomy has been defined as the capacity for independence and the ability to develop intimate relationships (Great, I already have the capacity for independence – or so they keep telling me- and I’m definitely capable of long-term intimate relationships. In fact, my longest, albeit tepid, relationship was with a vanilla person! So if I seriously have this disorder, there is nothing more you can do to help?) Sperry suggests that the basic goal for DPD treatment is self-efficacy.[27] Individuals with DPD must recognize their dependent patterns and the high price they pay to maintain those patterns. This allows them to explore alternatives. (You fools, no one will like me and then I’ll have, well…no one!) The long-range goal is to increase DPD individuals’ sense of independence and ability to function. Clients with DPD must build strength rather than foster neediness.[28]

As with other personality disorders, treatment goals should not be in contradiction to the basic personality and temperament of these individuals. (But all these things (from all the personality disorders here)¬†are my basic personality and temperament! For as long as I can remember all these characteristics fit me. My parents say I was really confident and outgoing when I was little, but I don’t remember that. They say it changed around age 4 or 5. We are presently going to ignore the connection that just invaded my thoughts…) They can work toward a more functional version of those characteristics that are intrinsic to their style. Oldham suggests seven traits and behaviors of the “devoted personality style“, i.e., the non-personality-disordered version of DPD. Finally something I like about this article.

  • ability to make commitments;
  • enjoyment of intimacy;
  • skills as a team player‚ÄĒwithout need to compete with the leader;
  • willingness to seek the opinions and advice of others;
  • ability to promote interpersonal harmony;
  • thoughtfulness and consideration for others; and,
  • willingness to self-correct in response to criticism.
  • See?! This ^^^ is what I kept saying! Except without self-defense and anger….

Medication

There is little evidence to suggest that the use of medication will result in long-term benefits in the personality functioning of individuals with DPD.[30] DPD is not amenable to pharmacological measures; treatment relies upon verbal therapies.[31] It is recommended that target symptoms rather than specific personality disorders be medicated. One of these target symptoms of particular importance is dysphoria‚ÄĒmarked by low energy, leaden fatigue, and depression. Dysphoria can also be associated with a craving for chocolate and for stimulants, e.g. cocaine. DPD is one of the most vulnerable personality disorders to dysphoria and some individuals with DPD respond well to antidepressant medications. In other words binging?! I’m surprised there is not a huge correlation with BED or Bulimia or EDNOS.

People with DPD are prone to both depressive and anxiety disorders. (Again, live in my brain and see how you feel after 24 hours ūüôā ) Stone suggests that these individuals may respond well to benzodiazepines in a crisis.[31] However, clients with DPD are likely to abuse anxiolytics and their use should be limited and monitored with caution.[33]

Unfortunately, individuals with DPD tend to be appealing clients. They are not inclined to be demanding and provocative. This can be precisely why they are given benzodiazepines by psychiatrists who may feel both benevolent and protective. Their inclination to use denial and escape to manage their lives makes the use of sedative-hypnotics familiar and pleasant. Iatrogenic addiction is a serious concern. Meh, not so much, I used my anxiety meds to attempt suicide. Nonetheless, I was later put back on the same medication because I’m appealing and amiable. :p

I Must Like Failure


It is as if I enjoy hating myself¬†or getting sub par grades. I keep distracting myself, this is due in 2 hours, and I’m nowhere near done. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

annoyed buffy

Also, I kind of…ate my dad’s cake. It was a Valentine’s Day present from my maternal grandma. I didn’t touch it before he got home and I didn’t touch it when he was home, but he left the country again after less than 48 hours at home…Then I ate it all. My mom is disgusted by me. She gave me this look like “What is your problem?! Do you not care about other people?” She was going to freeze it for him for when he comes back in over a month. Hahahaha, in 2014 I’ve seen him a little more than 72 hours; theoretically we live in the same house. I feel guilty, but…but… I pay attention to Mom and I’m actually here. Okay…yeah, selfish bitch I know… My stomach hurts from too much food; I bought a cake and a bunch of chocolate to try to keep myself awake and working. Instead I feel sick. I’d purge, but that would infuriate my mom and she has magical purge detecting powers. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. *sigh* Now having minor suicidal thoughts, meaning the type I’m 99.999% sure I won’t act on…

UGH, I really don’t want to go get coffee tomorrow! I want to come home after school, curl up in bed, and forget for a while. I have an awful habit of cancelling plans, even with family and close friends. So, someone I don’t care about on a personal level yet…They’re screwed… I see potential in this guy, but at the same time, I’m thinking “WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU CRAZY BITCH?”

no friends

In a Fog


Today will be interesting. I have a paper to write by midnight and I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. THANKS insomnia and anxiety!

insomnia_fringe_olivia

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Let Me Rescind that Invitation!!


I suggested to someone that we go get coffee. What the hell?! I never initiate. I suddenly feel 100x more stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, and bad than I usually feel.paralyzed by feelings

 

It will be obvious that…¬† verge of nervous breakdown What did I do?! Ugh, no one should like me!

I’m afraid he is going to think: worst-person-april

 

On the off-chance he does like me a meaningful relationship requires me to let go of my eating disorder, talking about feelings in real life, and not isolate myself.nightmare

 

On one hand, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. On the other hand, if I never try, I’ll never get better at talking about feelings and leaving the house.

Enhanced by Zemanta

You’ll Never Know the Truth: Childhood Abuse


On my way home from school, I was perilously close to tears the whole way. At some point, that thing I never ever talk about out loud popped into my mind. I tried talking about it out loud once. The conversations didn’t¬†end well. My therapist at the time wanted me to talk about it and she’d¬†encouraged me for months to open the topic. Once we did…Let’s just say I almost didn’t go away for college. My therapist told me I should work on the issue, but¬†if I¬†worked on it, I’d need to be inpatient because I was clearly a danger to myself.

It sounds so immaterial. On its own, I guess it is immaterial. That is reason #1 why this topic makes me hate myself. The memory itself is inconsequential. I have no right to be bothered by it, at least not compared to other people who experienced real trauma. Therefore, I am weak and pathetic for getting so emotional over nothing.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had one or two odd childhood memories floating in my head. In the first memory *hands pause above keyboard* …I still can’t even fucking type it! I’m continuing this post from yesterday and after a few hours I was okay again last night, but trying to explain this is putting me on the verge of tears. I have this maelstrom inside me tied to 2 short, old memories. The gist is potentially sexually abusive actions occurred, but the memories aren’t necessarily abusive. The first one involved foreign object insertion. The second involved touching. However, both have potentially benign explanation. For example, intramuscular injections of medication in the ventrogluteal and dorsogluteal muscles. As for the second memory, well…little kids have to learn about genital hygiene at some point.

Possibility 1: The memories have benign explanations.

For instance, the ones I proffered above. (Assuming this is the truth) Reason #2 to hate myself is that I’m a sick, twisted, weird, evil, dirty, bad freak for ever considering the idea that someone who cares about me would do that! Reason #3 is that I’ve dealt with all this fear and guilt for years over nothing. In fact, even now, I think part of my trouble relating to people romantically stems from this…nothing.

Possibility 2: These events never occurred in any form. At some point, I made them up.

On one hand, I have no doubt false memories are implantable through suggestion. Numerous psychological studies show it. On the other hand, these memories bothered me before age 12 (when I started therapy). So, no accidental therapeutic suggestion could cause them.

However, even without suggestion, false memories occur because our brains are just not perfect. When we remember an event, we change it. When we think about a memory, it isn’t as though we replay a video tape and when we’re done remembering we put the same video tape away. That is not how memory works. retrieving a memory can alter it and when we “save” the memory for later we save our most recent memory of the memory. So, the next time we retrieve that¬† memory, we are not watching an unadulterated movie of the event, our memory consists of what we recalled the last time we remembered the event.

It is kind of similar to these 2 examples:¬†You are certain when you were 6 you had a black border collie named Keko. You ask your mom about the dog and she tells you there was a dog, but it was named Miko and it was a multicolored (including black)¬†Lhasa Apso. Or you remember visiting a friend’s house when you were 4 (let’s say you know you were 4 because you moved neighborhood right before you’re 5th birthday and the friend didn’t move into your old neighborhood until after your 3rd birthday) and you remember the gigantic, scary, steep hill in her backyard. Then you watch old home movies and the camera shows her backyard in its entirety. You see the “big” hill, but as an adult you realize it was tiny. We see things through lenses clouded by our personal perception of the world (be that age, height, life experiences, anger, fear, etc)

Therefore, I can never know what is real and what is false without outside evidence because I cannot trust the reliability of my recollection of the events. I’ve had at least 18 years to “remember”, but with each thought, I could be altering the “memory”. At the same time, certain important events remain as clear as the day they happened in our mind. Also,¬†evidence shows even pre-verbal children remember things and I was older than that.

(Assuming this possibility is true) Reasons #2 and #3 apply here, except it would be even worse! If this possibility is true, I made it all up! Everything! There wasn’t even a benign memory to misinterpret! What kind of freak am I?!?

Possibility 3: These events occurred and have sinister origins

There are unquestionable things (Here, meaning things that occurred in the recent past, as in I have no reason to question my recall) that support and oppose this possibility.

Support

  1. Some family members are odd about physical affection.
  2. Once I complained about the oddness using the word “touchy” and no other descriptors and my mom flipped out! Her demeanor immediately changed; she was horrified and scared. When I complained about the oddness I was not covertly referencing sexual abuse. Furthermore, she should have easily known what I meant. I brought it up at the time because she had recently complained about it!! Despite her own complaints, her immediate conclusion when I asked why someone was “touchy” was sexual abuse from a loving family member! I’m pretty sure that is an abnormal reaction. Most people deny a family member could possibly do that to a child. So, why the assumption on her part? My only answer is she heard, saw, or knew something.
  3. As a teenager or pre-teen I realized the possible implications of these memories. Since I have a lengthy complicated medical history, I asked my mom if I ever had intramuscular injections of medication in the ventrogluteal and dorsogluteal muscles. She said, No.
  4. Numerous therapists/doctors told me I “act like someone who was sexually abused” as a child¬†and they won’t even¬†believe me when I insist I was not abused!
  5. I brought up the false memory possibility that one time I tried to process all of this and my therapist did not agree that was likely because if it was fake, why did my mind keep returning to that point in time? She has a point. However, not the one she meant to make. I think it is possible it is a fake memory, but I’ve carried it around all these years almost as if it was a memory of abuse because I’ve gone over these arguments in my head a million times and I’m damned no matter what the truth is.
  6. Multiple times my mom has asked what bad thing happened to me as a child without me saying anything to instigate that conversation.

Opposition

  1. No one in my family is capable of incest.
  2. If something occurred, why only when I was 4 -6 years old? That doesn’t make sense!
  3. If my mom freaked out when I asked about “touchiness” because she knew something I do not know, then how could she leave me alone with any family member she could not prove was innocent?!?!?!?! She would not do that.
  4. I have no clear memories of abuse, no actual sex. Potential sex acts, but not sex.

And so (again, assuming the current possibility is true) Reason #4 to hate myself is I considered the fact that my mom knew something and did nothing or Reason #4a My mom knew and did nothing, so…what? I must be garbage. Reason #5 On the continuum of childhood sexual abuse, this is a .00000000001, if 10 was the worst nonfatal sexual abuse you can imagine and 0 is no abuse. People who endured¬†much more are relatively well adjusted. Me? FUBAR.

Also, like WTF?! NO MATTER what the truth is…even if it is the worst possibility (3), the memories in my head don’t have to be bad. I am afraid it is…In a way, I made it bad. Like even if abuse occurred, the memory did not have to be interpreted that way. I could have forgotten or passed it off as nothing. BUT NO!!!! I had to think about it.

Lastly, thinking about all this right now and last night makes me want to flay myself because I feel like a bad, sick person regardless of the truth.

Non-Violent Communication? Here? LOL!


Emotions are running high lately because of me.

A half hour ago…

Mom: “When are you planning on getting up?”

Me: “Soon.”

Mom: “You’ve wasted almost half the day already.”

Me: “I’m planning on getting up soon.”

Mom: *attempts to slam door* (It won’t slam because it is already broken – not by me)

Me: *sighs and starts getting up*

Meanwhile down stairs I hear thrashing, banging, pots hitting the ground, and possibly china…more things thrown on the ground…”

Fringe_Peter hit head bang

Me: “Are you throwing a temper tantrum like a child or are you trying to wake me up? I can’t decide.”

Mom: “I’m NOT trying to wake you up.”

*banging stops, so I venture downstairs*

As I eat Mom is stomping around and sighing heavily.

Me: “When I start working, can you please stop throwing things or I can leave the house.”

Mom: “Working? You’re not working.”

Me: “Yes, but when I start studying can you please stop throwing things and slamming doors?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ha, I realize I’m a tough person to deal with, but seriously?! What are you, 5 years old?I’m beginning to think the woman has anger issues outside of dealing with a mentally ill daughter. Usually I would say more mean things right back, but I’m very serene this morning. I suppose it is because I just woke up. It was sweet, I didn’t get angry feeling her anger.

I can also see more of why my brother and I developed¬†our coping skills. Mom throws things and yells when she is upset. Dad refuses to speak to you or runs away and on rare occasion hits. My brother, I have no idea what he does! He withdraws like my dad and I, but somehow he remains calm. I guess it is because he remains detached somehow? I withdraw and hide my emotions to, but I can’t hold them in like my brother. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m weaker or maybe his detachment is real and he just doesn’t care. I get caught up in the emotions of people around me; he does not.¬†I don’t let them see my emotions because I’m afraid of their reaction. Yet, they fester inside me and I¬†must lance¬†their wounds. So, I cut myself, starve, binge, purge, or let someone else hurt me to erase the emotions. (The interchangeability of these mechanism is why I fear masochism is secretly an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and not just a sexual proclivity.) It is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to burst from being too full of air, instead of letting it pop.

FRAK MY LIFE: Disappointed in Myself (AGAIN)


After all that blather about doing the right thing, I skipped Contracts AGAIN. That makes 4 out of 5 classes skipped in the first 2 weeks of school. OH MY FUCKING GOD. BBT_failure at everything

How I feel:BBT_rage in my heartGI_on inside my head

What I wish I could do to myself:

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Or at least do something to snap myself out of this cycle: Buffy_punches_willow_superstrength_two_to_go

I wish I could make the thoughts go away:

Fringe_shush and calm down

But I can’t…

Supernatural_hate what u see   OUaT_no one could ever love me  Buffy_about willow

*edit* Right after I posted this, my friend burst into the room and asked if I was ok. She was in the room with me earlier in the day. So, she knew where I was likely to be “studying”. I still feel like crap about myself, but she helped me feel a little better.

I am trying to do well; I care about success in law school. I am trying to do the reading. Honestly, I am trying. The problem is my baseline is starting too low. I struggle to get out of bed. Then I struggle to do my Activities of Daily Living. Next, whether of not I did my ADLS, I struggle to get to the law school building. After that I have to rally the effort to actually go to class. Lastly, I have to attempt to read the casebooks or research for my paper and I have to do it after dragging myself around all day, fighting the urge to give up. When getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a fight, and brushing teeth is a rarity, getting to class takes a lot of willpower. I know if I want to be here, I have to be here. I know I am capable of doing this. However, with the way the professors teach, it is impossible to pass, if you miss too much.

Fringe_Peter_head bang

First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

Scoop: Anna Torv Eyes TV Return as Jennifer Jason Leigh’s Lover in Ryan Murphy’s Open


And the only reason I’m watching Open on HBO is…Anna Torv. ūüėČ

TVLine

Anna Torv Open HBOAnna Torv is entering a new alternative universe: The former Fringe star is joining Ryan Murphy’s sex-and-relationships pilot Open as the lesbian lover of Jennifer Jason Leigh, TVLine has learned.

RELATED | 30 Actors TVLine Readers Want Back on TV Now

The provocative script, which was penned for HBO by Murphy and Dexter co-executive producer Lauren Gussis, revolves around five characters.

Torv will play Windsor, a yoga instructor in a longterm relationship with Holly (Jennifer Jason Leigh), but upon meeting Grace (casting TBD) feels an instant connection. They join the previously cast Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley.

[pmc_twitter_followme username=‚ÄĚMichaelAusiello‚ÄĚ]

View original post

20 Signs You Really, Really Hate People


LOL, I don’t hate people, but I don’t enjoy being with lots of them either…Also, #16 = law school life!!!

Natalie-Kay-Es-El

1. The idea of getting your ass out of bed, dressing up and stepping out of your front door is just

Michael scott no

2. When you take public transport, you can’t help but think:

theres-too-many-people-on-this-earth-we-need-a-plague

3. You’re on your way to meet a friend and then you get a text from her saying she’s brought a tag-along.

This is your reaction:

dont need another friend

4. You find yourself praying that plans get cancelled all the time.

cancelling plans

5. When you get invited to a house party, you pray to God they’ve got a pet so you can act busy and not interact with actual human beings.

6. When people tap you on the shoulder, or try to do that cheek-kissy thing that white people love, or touch you in any way:

you-dont-know-me-like-that

7. When someone whips out a camera and everyone squeals in delight, you’re just like:

Robert Downey Jr Pained Photo Taking

8. You loovvvveee the internet. And the invention of mobile phones…

View original post 319 more words

Screw Writing Strong Women


Complicated women3 women who kick asswomen who cry women who want but don't need

The OP makes a wonderful point! Writers should create real women! They should also write real men. Human beings are complicated. It really hit home for me because I realized I sometimes judge unfairly. For example, while re-reading Legend of the Seeker, all the difficult, stressful events Kahlan faced struck me. Maybe she cries a lot and maybe there are other women in the story who are in similar situations and do not cry, but no other woman in the series had the same burden. Kahlan essentially ruled numerous countries and felt responsible for the people of all those nations. Furthermore, she was the last of her kind, Confessors. Kahlan and other women like Olivia can be strong, powerful, and brave, even while crying.

One of the best things about Game of Thrones is that the characters, women included, are complicated! They neither “good” nor “bad”. They are a mixture; they are human. They have weaknesses and strengths. Sometimes they do “the right thing”, but not always.¬†In contrast, Richard Cypher/¬†Rahl is almost perfect. I’m having difficulty thinking of a time when he made a mistake or did the immoral thing. The only event that comes to mind from 14 about 1,000 page books is when he felt betrayed by Kahlan for enjoying sex when she thought it was his brother. While I can understand why he felt betrayed, he almost refused to return to the land of the living! First of all, the sex wasn’t with Drefan, it was with him. Who knows if she would be aroused by him. Second, she did not enjoy it. She equated it to rape. Third, she had no choice. She detested the first time, but acquiesced because¬†the spirits demanded it. She¬†waited for the spirits to come take Richard to the Temple of the Winds. When they did not, she realized she had to enjoy it. So, she worked to get over her mental block (losing her “virginity” to Drefan, not Richard/ having sex with anyone other than Richard) and did what she needed to, in order to climax. If she hadn’t, the spirits would never open the door for Richard to the Temple of the Winds. Fourth, people have involuntary physical reactions to stimuli. So, while I think he had the right to be angry, I think he did not fairly look at the situation and her predicament.

In fact, one of my favorite characters in the Whedonverse is the one who changed the most over their series: Spike. He went from pure evil, to starting to care about Buffy, to attempting to rape her, to recognizing his soullessness, to being the one person Buffy turns to when she is alone, and finally (in Buffy) to sacrificing himself to save the others. Even at his best, Spike it not one-dimensional. He has quirks, flaws, and positive attributes.

I know many of you write fanfiction and some of you want to write your own stories. Please write complicated women and men and don’t lose a character’s humanity while trying to defy stereotypes.

Pictures and original post via http://wildheart71.tumblr.com/post/67892540097/screw-writing-strong-women-write

Thankfulness and Sarah Michelle Gellar


My grandma told me for years to think of something your grateful for every day. I decided to give it a try after reading “How a Year of ‘Grateful’ Facebook Posts Changed This Woman’s Life” on Yahoo. Haha, oops…

Don’t worry in the future,¬†I’ll tack them on the end of posts. I won’t add an extra post to your dash every day!

Day 1: I’m grateful for my sister-in-law because she never treated me differently after various problems. She isn’t blood (and therefore “obligated” to deal with me), but she knows my score and accepts and loves me anyway. At their wedding reception I told her I already considered her family because she’d been through so much with me and was always….human. Not everyone is understanding and I’m lucky my brother found a compassionate, amazing, girl! Happy 1 year and 3 month anniversary guys!

buffywillowtacklehug

 

While searching for a proper hug GIF for this post, I found a GIF of Sarah Michelle Gellar at The People’s Choice Awards this year! It made me smile and it fits the theme of the post!

SMG thanks buffy fans Source: Jarett Wieselman

Reflections on Buffy Episode s05e06 “Family”


I wrote this post at the same time as “Et tu Tara?!“, but I went on a long tangent; I decided to separate the topics. This is the product…

I mean, every parent threatens to beat their kids in anger. My parents spanked me as a kid, but that is not the same as abuse (hitting or beating). I’ve been hit before, but a couple of mistakes does not¬†equal a pattern of abuse. Monsters are evil. Therefore, in essence, my dad called me evil. Blah, I make them sound awful! They aren’t bad people! They love me a lot! I love them! We get along well. People get angry, especially when they have stupid kids like young me, and say things they don’t mean. Too bad kids are impressionable and if they hear something enough, sometimes they start to believe the words. It wasn’t like they were mean to me; I just did stupid things a lot.

My brother doesn’t thinks “blood kin”¬†are important. He thinks the emotional bonds you have with people, regardless of blood, is what makes family. I’m not sure why. In Tara’s case, when family completely rejects you, finding your own “family” makes sense. Sometimes it hurts my feelings¬†that he doesn’t view us as important. Well, he views us as important but not necessarily important. In other words, our place in his life is replaceable. I think except in cases of out right rejection, abuse, or other extenuating circumstances, blood family always has a place in your life. Sometimes family is unhealthy to be around. For example, I know a woman recovering from her eating disorder who refuses to see her family because they trigger her so much with incessant body shaming of others, etc. That to is a different case. In my opinion, barring unhealthiness/abuse/rejection, just because you don’t care for or dislike certain members does not mean the family ceases to hold value in your life. Fyi, I like everyone in my family! I think my brother hold himself at a distance because he is afraid of true open communication and he learned as a child that voicing his needs and emotions was not okay. To be fair, non-violent communication rarely occurs in my family.

I’m not sure where he learned that. I learned it to, but differently. I attributed my interaction style to teachings that nice people go along with what others want, good people don’t make a fuss, etc. Taken to the extreme, you get children who don’t know how to express emotions because you punish them for it.

I never saw it with him. I thought it was directed at me because I was overly emotional or bad. However, it is possible that by the time I was old enough to understand these messages, it was already ingrained in him. Therefore, the stoicism I took as inner strength, which I lacked, was really a learned behavior.

Furthermore, I’m a submissive masochist, but he is a Dominant sadist! So, it would not follow that our upbringing influenced my submissive side, unless there really was a difference in their attitude towards us because I was overly emotional, bad, or female. My parents made adhere to some gender roles (nothing inherently wrong with that!) and they do treat us differently in some ways. For example, my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…while my brother was living with my future sister-in-law. She explicitly said as a female, it would be worse for me to live with a man, than my brother living with his girlfriend. However, my parents never said or implied women were less than men or incapable of anything, just different. In fact, since I can remember, I’ve been told I can do anything I want in life and it is important to be able to take care of myself. Haha, I guess that means I can’t be a painter!

The problem with this theory is that we were never punished for minimal expressions of emotion. So, I’m not sure where we got the idea. I know my dad’s family does not express emotions or needs because my aunt is overbearing, temperamental, and abusive when angry. (Yes, that is right, I said abusive. I can recognize abuse even in my family. My nuclear family is not abusive though.) Therefore, the other kids learned to never express their desires for fear of setting her off. This interaction style persisted in adulthood. My mother on the other hand, has no problem expressing her desires. In fact, I’m envious of her ability to sway people’s decisions with reasoned arguments. So, maybe our dad was an example of non-adaptive communication, but our mom was not. In that case, why didn’t we learn from her? She certainly did her best to course-correct us both prior to middle school.

Maybe I am over thinking things. Maybe my emotional issues are only mine. That is perhaps no matter how I was parented, I would turn out the same way. I’m jealous of my brother. He grew up in the same home and came from the same gene pool, yet he has no diagnosable mental illness. Why am¬†I so weak? Why could he adapt, while¬†I could not?

Dean--WTF photo dean-annoyed.gif

I wonder how my brother views our childhoods. Does he see any maladaptive interactions? If so, what? Did they affect him? Is that why he never calls/ returns calls? Or is there another reason? Does he think we were treated differently? Regardless of our upbringing did he notice different attitudes toward gender? Did Mom or Dad ever hit him¬†(spanking doesn’t count)¬†or was that just me? Did they ever threaten to hurt him? Did they ever call him names?

Most of the hitting and name calling occurred after he left for college. He left for college when I was 13. I don’t remember any hitting or name calling before age 11. So, he was not around for most of it. Mostly, he stayed in his room. So, he wouldn’t be present anyway. Also, this wasn’t frequent by any measure! The hitting and name calling I speak of are isolated incidents, arising from specific behaviors on my part. In fact, the only reason I remember each time so clearly is because it was rare!

I think we were treated differently, but I think it was because he was the first child. Therefore, in general, they were tougher on him and more relaxed with me. If there were any negative messages, he heard them louder and more clearly. As a result, he should be worse off than I am, if our upbringing had anything to do with who I am. At the same time, since I was about 11, my parents said certain things about me, but only after I did inexplicable things. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Meh, I’m over thinking things again. Every family has foibles. No person, and parents are people, is perfect. My family is no better or worse than any other non-abusive, healthy family. I take that back, my parents were fricking heroic when I was born early. Family is not to blame. No one is, this is just me.

What to Do When Non-Violent Communication Doesn’t Work?


What do you do when non-violent communication does not work in your family?!Felicia Day_don't know how to respond to that

Before school started, Mom was already constantly asking me about work habits, etc. On one hand, considering last semester, she has valid concerns. On the other hand, her constant nagging is frustrating, unhelpful, and anxiety-provoking. I attempted to express myself using the DEAR¬†MAN cognitive behavior therapy skill, which I learned in inpatient treatment because (as I’m realizing more and more!) my family fails at communication. It helped a tiny bit for the first day, but Friday and last night she was at it again, with renewed vigor. I appreciate her advice. Also, I realize she knows more than me. However, I resent her¬†micro-management. It is one thing to suggest I start homework on Saturday morning instead of Sunday night. It is an entirely different thing to suggest that once and then continue suggesting and/or asking how much work I completed every few hours all night! I was mad, but¬†I tried using skills. When you ask me the same question numerous times and make the same suggestions over and over, I feel annoyed, angry, and resentful. I need you to only make a suggestion once and let me decide whether or not to heed your advice and please ask about progress less often. Fine, I did not include the “please”, but that is the essence of my plea.

It didn’t work. She just got angrier and yelled at me, hitting the table hard enough to break some fragile glass ornaments left there from Christmas. Then I started crying, yelling, and cursing. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at my parents. I feel like a teenager! On one hand, I am living under her roof rent-free. Plus, I admit the eating disorder stunted my emotional growth because once I started using eating disordered behaviors, I stopped learning to deal with emotions healthily. Therefore, although I’ve made¬†tremendous progress over the years, I still view myself as a little behind my peers in emotional maturity.¬†I’ve had more than one therapist tell me this and I know my parents agreed, but no one¬†has said it for a few years. Perhaps I am on par with other early 20-somethings now.

On the other hand, I am 23! I am not a teenager! I am old enough and capable enough to make my own mistakes. Hell, I made a ton last semester, but I am aware of that! I know what I need to do differently and just because I did not study last night, does not mean I am not fixing my mistakes!

I feel suffocated. At the moment, when I see her my first thought is: Regina_don't talk to me

It wasn’t just last night. If it was just one night of needling, I wouldn’t be angry. Even so,¬†I don’t know if I am right to be annoyed or not. Maybe this is that whole teenage-rebellion stage coming a few years late and I should simply listen to her…BUT I am not a teenager and I should be able to make my own choices. I know I owe a lot to her, I know my parents are extremely kind to pay for my first year of grad school and let me live at home without rent. Yet,¬†their generosity¬†doesn’t change the fact that I am an adult.

Ha, the problem is this post feels so whiney! It IS whiney and that is characteristic of a teenager. On the other hand, sometimes people have legitimate reasons to complain.

Last night moving out sounded nice. At this point, it is not worth the extra few thousand in student loans. Inevitably, I’ll have student loans, but I can avoid ~$12,000/year by living at home until the end of school.

I know I can’t give an objective view of all our interactions, the scope, or the frequency¬†of the interactions, but based on what little albeit biased information you have, what should I do differently? Did I do something wrong in my initial attempt to use non-violent communication skills? How can I make things go more smoothly (I.e., no fighting, yelling, screaming, hitting of tables – or people)?

Her advice has merit. In fact, I know it is the best course of action. The way she tried to change my behavior is irritating. Should I do what she says, don’t procrastinate, just to avoid conflict?

I think I’m over-reacting. Then again, I wasn’t the first one to yell, cry, etc.!

On Super Powers


This GIF ¬†got me thinking…As much as I adore bad asses with magic or science so advanced it looks like magic, some of the most heroic people in the fictional worlds the aforementioned characters come from, are the people without super powers.

Case in point, in the above GIF, Xander Harris confronts Dark Willow. Willow is a powerful, extremely angry, revenge and grief motivated Wiccan trying to destroy the world. Xander is her childhood friend with no super-human ability whatsoever. Yet, he confronts her. One could argue if he had not confronted her, he would die anyway. Therefore, his actions were not heroic, they were self-preserving. However, he risks his life¬†countless times for his friends and innocent people. Unlike Willow’s magic or Buffy’s super strength, Xander has no¬†supernatural help¬†when fighting monsters. Although they all risk death, Xander has no extra¬†weapon. He is more vulnerable. As a result, he risks more¬†than the others each time he fight evil. Yay Xander (and other non-gifted, normal, but brave humans)!

Xander_snoopy dance

Would You Date a Celebrity?


This is random, but the question occurred to me because I’ve been very GIF-happy lately. As much as I talk about crushes on actors and actresses, if I saw someone IRL I’d never approach them.

For one, my biggest crush is married.

(Apparently she and Craig used to watch fanvids to get in the mood for their romantic scenes!)

Second, and seriously, I could not deal with the media attention. I have enough insecurities without strangers around the globe commenting on every flaw. It seems celebrities’¬†significant others and friends are often scrutinized as well. The idea gives me shivers. Third, I want kids and I am certain growing up surrounded by all that media pressure is unhealthy. Fourth, I’d never get a chance to know them as a person because I’d never attempt to converse with them if we ever met by chance. I bet it is awful to never be able to go to a Barnes and Noble and browse books for fun without people pestering you for pictures or trying to talk to you. It would suck! I wouldn’t want to contribute to that feeling.

In fact, part of the reason I write-off local actors/actresses as partners is because most of them have bigger aspirations. If they’re successful, the uber-fame would come. It is¬†unfair to want your partner to be unsuccessful! Yet, no amount of money is worth the personal invasion.

On the other hand, I don’t feel too bad for current celebrities because they knew what they were getting in to. That sentiment does not apply to their kids. I feel sad for their children, they had no say about their parent’s identities.

Thin-Skinned: The Truth about Some People with Eating Disorders


I disagree whole-heartedly with the other messages of this person, but the following interview excerpt is intriguing. It falls in line with my idea that “crazy” is really feeling deeply¬†and that TedTalk “Lessons from the Mental Hospital”.

“Women who struggle with eating disorders are what I call thin-skinned and what I mean by that is they’re very emotionally sensitive and highly intuitive.

If you’re born thin-skinned into a world that values being thick-skinned which is the culture we, the Western culture we live in today that values, oh no big deal, water off a duck’s back, doesn’t bother me, then what happens is you get this idea, oh my gosh is
something wrong with me?

And so begins the process of trying to be thick-skinned when you’re not and that’s the function of the eating disorder because it blocks your awareness of very deep, intense
emotions.

So what has to happen is they have to develop the skill set for how to be a thin-skinned person in a thick-skinned world and it is a skill set. You don’t need to change your DNA, anybody can learn it, but it does take practice and it does take being able to go some place where it’s taught.”

This is true for me and true for every girl I’ve¬†known in treatment. It means sometimes we are oversensitive, but it also means we’ll do anything for the people that stick by us. I can’t change who I am, but maybe I can find a way to turn my character traits into positive aspects.

SometimesbecauseFringe_feelints

Why Tara Maclay is My Role Model *updated Jan. 11, 2014*


“It is¬† hard to find positive role models today. Especially ones that you can relate too.” Erik R. Voshel

Tara doesn’t fit the same overt BAMF mold most of my favorite characters fit, but I love her! I just want to give her lots of hugs and love! She is another character that reminds me of myself, but unlike Olivia Dunham, I loved Tara from the beginning!

Tara was afraid of herself. She never really fit in. She thought she was a demon, to save other people she stayed in the background, but she persevered.

Tara_Afraid

She feels useless. I mention this because I feel the same way. While feeling useless is not good, someone who feels bad about themselves, but makes progress, is a worthy role model.

Tara_surprised

…but she totally isn’t! Tara¬†is wiccan.

Tara_magic

Tara has style! Considering this is her first BtVS scene, her style is the first thing I noticed!

She is shy, but cute about it. Also, she overcomes her stutter. Shyness isn’t good or bad, but sometimes it is debilitating. I’m shy to, shy enough that it interferes with adaptive expression of needs/wants. Unlike below, I’m not freaking adorable about it!

Tara is kind. She embodies non-judgmental, unconditional love. She teaches the Scooby Gang how to be wise and self-compassionate.

tumblr_m02lhq0TcU1r8gsqgo3_250Tara_role model Tara_it is ok to be worried

While Tara is kind and respectful, woe unto anyone who threatens the people she loves!

tara_go through me

Her loyalty is undying. (I’m sensing a submissive vibe. ūüėČ Look who is on top in the second to last picture!)

She is self-sacrificing. Tara lets Glory crush her hand and destroy her mind to save Dawn.

tumblr_m44wf59EB41qgmt5yo2_250toughlove

Tara sticks to her morals, even when it hurts.

tumblr_mi9eg2xSp41qmtytko1_r1_250tumblr_mi9eg2xSp41qmtytko2_r1_250

She beat the messages of her childhood and became an amazing woman.

…¬†It makes me proud. It makes me love you more.”

Plus, Tara is the first positive lesbian character I remember. She and Willow¬†helped make¬†it okay to love who I wanted…And make an amazing lesbian couple you did, Amber Benson…

tumblr_mvnxjgCEmi1r0pbyyo6_250willowtarahug-1

I wish I was her. I’m still afraid of myself. I still hear “monster” reverberating in my mind. I don’t know if I can overcome the messages my family instilled about sexuality,¬†intimacy,¬†and self-worth.

The only difference is that I wasn’t lied to my whole life. She thinks she has a legitimate reason to fear herself, but she doesn’t. I do… Nonetheless, showing her¬†deal with¬†the messages of her childhood is powerful!

I don’t have her strength yet. I wonder if she is like me, nice because she feels she has nothing more to offer. The most common thing people say about me is that I’m “nice”, “kind”, “sweet”, “flexible”, “not argumentative”, “easy-going”. I pride myself on these attributes, but sometimes I think I’m just nice and laid back because I’m afraid no one will like me, if they see me. Tara and Nicciare the two fictional characters I identify with the most. I wish I knew more about their character development from Joss and Goodkind. Plus, I wish magic, the type of magic that¬†makes an immediate clear¬†impact on the physical world, existed.

*edit* How could I forget?! Amber Benson is (was?) body positive! I know there were silly haters about her body, but I think she was and is gorgeous at any size. I think her body appeared average on BtVS. By average, I do not mean average beauty; I mean average size when compared to the sickly thin, eating disordered Hollywood ideal.

Welcome Back to the Roller Coaster from Hell


Yesterday was not so great. I felt like I was thrown back 7 or 8 years to paralyzing fear, emotional abuse, scarring self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Today is a wash so far. I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm.

I’m ignoring people again (I know I need to reply to some of you); I feel guilty. When I feel any negative emotion I withdraw. I realized the reason I’m not in a relationship isn’t a lack of interest or ugliness, it is because I push people away.

I also realized in order to give a relationship a chance, I need to let go of my eating disorder. The idea scared the hell out of me and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.

Will I be ready to let go at 114 lbs? I doubt it. I know from experience once I reach x weight, the acceptable goal weight lowers again.

Anger and sadness swirl in my heart, but right now they’re veiled by exhaustion-fueled apathy.

Ha, that reminds me, yesterday my mom said, “Are you going to be some weird hermit?” …Um…maybe, but when she asked the question I just spent a week with family and a night with high school friends.

Also, 1 hour until my law school grades are posted!

Emotional Incest


2014 started out wonderfully with flashbacks of my early teen years. The times when Dad would disappear for days¬†or months at a time without a word. I never felt safe. Things could appear normal for long stretches and then seemingly out of nowhere, Mom would come home with puffy eyes, screaming about Dad and his whore again. Last night I heard some of the same phrases I used to hear, “I’d never in a million, no billion, years want you to marry a man like your father” or “If it weren’t for you and your brother, I’d have left years ago.” Images of slamming doors, yelling, and sliding to the kitchen floor in tears after Dad stormed out of the house, raced through my mind last night…memories I thought were in the past. The things he did to her, not just cheating, are unconscionable and inexcusable. I thought I quelled the anger, but since hearing my mom last night, it’s bubbled up inside me again.

Faith_hurt the showerFaith_hurt the shower

On one hand, I told my mom years ago she had my blessing if she wanted a divorce, even if that meant years later when things seemed “okay” because I knew what he had done to her. On the other hand, over the past few years, I let the anger and fear slip out of my grasp. I let my guard down. I thought things were healing between them. So, I am sad.

Worse still, I fear the revolving door…Every time he was emotionally manipulative and/or abusive or she caught him cheating, she would swear it was the last time, this time they would get divorced. Yet, a few weeks or months later, before the final divorce papers were signed, he would come back, apologizing and promising to do better. And around and around we go… I fear the cycle restarting more than I fear their divorce.

Maybe this is why my brother never talks to us. ūüė¶

I also fear her pain. My mom and I are close. Doctors use the word “enmeshed”. Yet, just like instances of alleged physical or verbal abuse, things are never simple. In a house with 4 bathrooms, we’ve shared a bathroom since I was 11. The change happened when they realized I was purging. For a time, we shared¬†a bed. That is not as disturbing as it sounds. She made me sleep in her bed for a few months because she was afraid I’d hurt myself at night. I only went back to my own bed when my dad came home. Coincidentally, my most recent suicide attempt was a few weeks after my dad returned from “business” and my brother returned from school for the holidays.

The definition of emotional incest:

“Other scholars have used the term ‘enmeshment,’ ‘co-dependency,’ and ’emotional abuse’ is another related concept as well. For the sake of this short series of posts, I will use the term ’emotional incest’ because I think that if you can get past the ‘ick’ factor of the word incest, this construction is actually very descriptive.

Emotional incest involves an unhealthy relationship between parent and child in which the child serves as a sort of emotional ‘spouse’ to the parent. This can be mother/daughter, father/daughter, mother/son, or father/son. Here are a couple definitions, some using the term ‘covert incest’ and others using the term ’emotional incest.’

Covert incest occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent’s need for companionship is met through the child.  The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. The demand for loyalty to the lonely, needy parent overwhelms the child and becomes the major organizing experience in the child’s development.

 

Covert emotional incest begins when a person perceives and responds to a family member as a replacement or substitute for a partner.

 

This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child’s age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent. While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.

You get the idea. Emotional incest takes place when the (emotional, not sexual) relationship between a parent and a child becomes like that between two spouses, except that given the immaturity of the child the relationship is one-sided and the parent feeds off the child emotionally while the child ends up feeling responsible for the well-being of the parent.” via patheos.com

Yep. That was us. I still feel responsible for her well-being. In fact, thinking about it, I remember feeling jealous, even resentful, that my brother did not feel responsible for her.

Is it still emotional incest now? Back then I was 15 – 17 years old, now I’m 23. I am an adult.

 

Sometimes I like myself


Olivia_laughing about ella

Happy 2014! I looked back through my posts to make sure there was nothing too objectionable and as I read the Evil Lawyers post, I smiled and thought, “Yes! All these GIFs are perfect! Your geekiness is awesome!”

Trying a Different Type of New Year’s Resolution


Usually, my resolutions involve grades or weight. This year I’m shying away from external measures of “success”.

My New Year’s Resolution: Accept myself (the limits of my IQ – potentially crushing ūüė¶ – , struggles with mental illness – eating disorder, anxiety, depression – , kink, bisexuality, appearance, even *gasp* weight)

I need to come up with ways to facilitate this. I cannot remember a time I liked or accepted myself. So far, talking and blogging about my insecurities yields a surprising amount of revelations. I think it forces me to elaborate my thoughts to clarify them for others,¬†exposing fallacies. It also helps limit rumination, which only perpetuates negative emotions and does not lead to solutions. However, I don’t know what else I can do to foster self-acceptance.

What things do you think I should do to encourage self-acceptance?

Torn


Right now I’m coming down on the side of vulnerability and putting myself out there. I am not used to that at all. I don’t share much with¬†people, even people I’m supposed to be close to. I don’t trust easily. I’m terrified of putting my heart out in the open,¬†of letting myself feel.

But if I don’t give¬†people a chance, I’ll always be alone.¬†Love isn’t going to fall in my lap. I have to be open, I may make mistakes, I may wind up with regrets, but the only way to¬†ensure I have no regrets and make no mistakes is by not fully living.

In order to get what I want (love), I have to open myself up to my greatest fear (loss).

When my best friend from PHP left I cried. She was the only treatment friend I cried over. I didn’t cry when anyone from inpatient left. After she left, I remember thinking the pain was not worth it. It was easier to keep myself walled off and not make connections, than it was to lose someone.

I’m standing at a crossroads. On one side there is the chance of great suffering and/or great love, on the other side there is stagnation.

Usually I run away and stop talking to people at this point. I push them away, so I don’t have to get to know them and feel the sting of their loss later. Yet, I yearn to know what love is like. I want to feel the connection songs are made of…but I’m terrified.

I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting them.

*sigh* The irony of my love of physical pain and abnormally high aversion to emotion pain is not lost on me.

  • Torn (itsebunite.wordpress.com)
  • all torn up (newrussell5087.wordpress.com)

Love at First Sight


Do you think love at first sight exists? I’ve never been in love. I love my family and friends, but I’ve never experienced romantic love. Therefore, I don’t have abundant knowledge on the subject. I think a parent’s love for their child can bloom at first sight. I don’t think romantic love at first sight exists.

I think lust at first sight exists. For example, I can lust over Bridget Regan, but I don’t love her. I don’t know her! I can’t love someone I don’t know. I can love her acting skills (seriously, go watch “Torn” from s2 of Legend of the Seeker), I can love¬†a character she portrayed, I can love her looks, but without personally knowing her, I cannot love her in the deep, abiding, romantic way. Sure, I may hope good things happen. I may wish her a ¬†happy personal life or I may be sad when she is not cast as Wonder Woman. Still, I believe knowing about someone’s character and intellect¬†is imperative to love. Also, spending time with the person is needed. Therefore, I think romantic love builds over time; it can arise from lust at first sight, but they are not the same thing.

In The Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, Richard¬†essentially falls in love¬†the first time¬†he and Kahlan make eye contact,

‚ÄúShe stood straight and still, her arms at her side. Her eyebrows had the graceful arch of a raptor’s wings in flight. Her green eyes came unafraid to his. The connection was so intense that it threatened to drain his sense of self. He felt that he had always known her, that she had always been a part of him, that her needs were his needs. She held him with her gaze as surely as a grip of iron would, searching his eyes as if searching his soul, seeking an answer to something. I am here to help you, he said in his mind. He meant it more than any thought he had ever had.
The intensity of her gaze relaxed, loosening its hold on him. In her eyes he saw something that attracted him more than anything else. Intelligence. He saw it flaring there, burning in her, and through it all he felt an overriding sense of her integrity. Richard felt safe.‚ÄĚ

Such an experience would be amazing, but I don’t think it is realistic.

Do you think romantic love at first sight exists?

In case you are either uninformed or silly, and don’t know why I would lust after Bridget Regan…

She is hauntingly beautiful
_
B eyes
Her gorgeous bright blue eyes
_
Her full, soft-looking hair (regardless of the current color, it is touchable)
_
Her legs
_
https://i0.wp.com/i630.photobucket.com/albums/uu26/kaymartxD/Decorated%20images/bridget_regan_0001.jpg
Does this one even need a caption?
_
B Cheekbones
Her cheek bones
_
B dorable
She is adorable! (and funny, if you watch Attack of the Show)
_
Her smile,¬†any version, but I’m jealous of the first picture because¬†I can’t pull off¬†a closed-lips smile. Also, her perfect teeth!
_
Her complexion
_
candid
This looks suspiciously “real”, yet she is still amazing!
_
_

That was Anti-Climactic (coming out)


My brother and sister-in-law are here! My sister-in-law saw one of my Sapphic GIFs and asked me about it when we were alone for a moment. So, I told her.

How I felt before:

How she reacted:

How I felt after:

No one else knows. I’m sure she’ll tell my brother, but that is okay. I told her I was scared to tell my uncle, in case my mom and uncle fight, but she said he was a safe person to tell secrets.

Coming Out or Chickening Out?


I¬†planned on telling my gay uncle about my bisexuality because I know he understands. However, as soon as my mom got home last night, she ranted about my uncle refusing to attend church on¬†Christmas Eve and refusing to let anyone talk about politics or religion. She said she isn’t going to let his sensitivities prevent her from talking about her personal views. I can see it now… She says something that offends him, he gets red and starts yelling and in anger, tells her my secret! ūüė¶

CD1

Bondage and Love

CD Bondage7 CD Bondage6

It is mutual Myka! After all, many of H.G.’s lovers were women. ūüėČ love

Best. Couple. EVER.

Tara I am you know Tara_YoursI will always find youonce more with feeling

I Am Not a Victim


“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”¬† Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are¬†events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist¬† saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

Compassion and Mental Illness Or Friends Who Accept All of You


I have a theory, people with mental illness tend to be more compassionate and understanding of other people’s flaws. For example, the first person to romantically accept me, every secret, every scar, and every contradiction, had a history of depression. Furthermore, I have many friends with various mental illnesses, some of that is by design like meeting people in treatment and I suppose the others are because we attract people similar to us.

Tonight I had dinner with a wonderful friend; we’ve known each other since high school. We met online and discovered we lived in the same town. At the time, we were both mired in our eating disorders and we did some rather disordered things together. The first time we met in person, we bought diet pills together. We ended up going to the same university and living on the same dorm floor (not by accident). Now we’re both in grad school! Tonight we ate dinner at the same place we met 6 years ago. Talk about full circle! She is one of two RL people who I sent a link to this blog. I sent her the Feminism link because I knew she came from the same world and might understand what I tried to convey. I feared there would be a lot of negative feedback. So, I wanted some affirmation. She did understand, but I did not need to worry. No one replied negatively.

Apparently my friend read more than just that one post. So now she knows more than most people. My family may not understand, but she is fricking awesome! She (as far as I know) does not share my proclivities, but she was not weird about them at all!

I realize the people who understand me on the most fundamental level and forgive my mistakes the easiest are the people in my life with a history of mental illness. That doesn’t mean I plan on actively seeking out others with mental illnesses as mates because I fear for any future children’s genetics; nonetheless, I think it is an interesting observation.

The Remnants of Fear


I say I am not Christian; I don’t believe in God, but I still have many ideas stuck in my head. Despite hearing, “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-34) as a child, like I said in my last post, I do not believe all women should be submissive. I identify as a submissive, but not because I am female.

However, I still have a lot of fear bottled up inside. I do not think my family or church intended to instill fear; I think they meant to give me hope of salvation, but all I see¬†are paths to damnation. In some ways it works in my favor. For example, 1 of the 2 things that stopped me from attempting suicide since age 16 is a fear of Hell. I don’t think a just God would damn a broken human for his or her weakness, but I cannot be sure.

In other ways, the ideas I can’t seem to dislodge, despite my lack of belief in their religious tenants, are unhelpful. For example, I am technically a virgin. In other words, I have no experience with penile vaginal penetration. Why does this one act mean more to me than any other genital skin contact? Obviously there is a pregnancy fear, but birth control can easily take care of that. I also worry about STDs, but other sexual contact can transmit STDs.

In my mind there is something special about vaginal penetration. I can’t logically explain it, so I think it is a vestige of my upbringing. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about vaginal intercourse before marriage. I do not feel guilt about the other sex acts I’ve done. It is so frustrating! Clearly, I find alternatives stimulating. Yet, people hold it up at the Holy Grail of intimacy. So, maybe that is what I’m missing in vanilla intimate contact?

I hate how the very thought of an action can create guilt! It is absurd! It probably did not help matters when my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…like my brother was at the time. He is still in the family, but she said she would be angrier at me because I am female and would risk more.

I read this blog post¬†and it made me feel a little better because it reminded me of Deej’s West Wing Clip about homosexuality and the Bible. Both arguments mention relying on some sections of the Old Testament to decry behavior, while selectively ignoring other sections (ex. human trafficking). The earlier conversation helped me accept part of my sexuality in a new way. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this fear. It is illogical, right?! If the statistic on the linked blog post are true and 9 out of 10 women in 1940 had premarital sex, certainly a just God would not damn each of those people. After all, I believe the Bible says somewhere that all sin is equal and we’re all sinners. Therefore, lying to my mom every day about restricting my food is no better than premarital sex.

But then…WHY DO I EVEN CARE what the Bible says if I don’t believe?!? I think I care because I afraid it is true. Yet, if it is all true, then there is forgiveness. So, why am I so fearful?

I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to regret losing my virginity. I don’t want to look back and feel sad on my wedding night that I can’t give my virginity to my partner.

Oddly, since coming to terms with bisexuality, I don’t get the same sense to guilt over female-female fisting. WTF brain?!?! That would break the precious piece of skin your worrying about to!!

Firefly_going mad

Reviewing Childhood


Now that the law semester is over, I’m busier than I was in school because I’m expected to help cook and clean again. Last night my parents had a dinner party and I helped all night. While serving dinner, I realized I perfected being seen and not heard at age 5. O.o Anyway, got to go, I’m only grabbing something from upstairs.

And I thought I had issues!


LOL! Someone is bitter…

Photo_00008

I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, “Finals monster is coming…to kill…your future in law!” I’ll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn’t see it as an omen!

I’m much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don’t care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m ashamed of my procrastination and I’m an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I’m one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, “I just failed because I didn’t study.” as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough! ¬†It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can’t seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

“14 Signs Your Perfectionism has Gotten Out of Control” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

and

Body Love, I Know Girls, and Self-Acceptance


More and more I think¬†if it makes me happy, why shouldn’t I do it? Why should I care what other people think? Why should I care about the antecedents?

Perhaps it is true there are more dangerous people who are sadists or more mentally ill people who are masochists, but I also know here are amazing, compassionate, caring, intelligent people on both sides of the coin.

Yes, I have mental illnesses, they are part of who I am today. Even when I am in remission, they’ve shaped who I am. It is clear I function optimally when in a D/s relationship. The last time I remember liking my body and feeling confident since I was 9 years old was during a D/s relationship. Why should I give up that peace and security because of societal expectations?

Someone once told me even if I work through the antecedents, this will most likely always be with me. Why am I fighting so hard against part of myself? Why can’t I just accept it?

Mary Lambert ‚̧ makes me want to cry in a good way. “I only know how to exist when I am wanted.” ūüė¶ FYI, I’m jealous of her girlfriend; she seems amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7tlFfKCESg

Masochism does not have to be self-destructive. There may be an element of self-hate, but it is so much more than that.

But I don’t want to think


Do you ever have moments where you just don’t want to think? For example, I have a few different post drafts, but they all require serious consideration. One is “Romantic Notions of Pain”, I don’t want to just spout off my ideas and not adequately explain them. Listing them is easy; however, delving deep into those notions requires analytical thought. Sometimes, like now, I simply don’t feel like expending the effort, even though creating a cohesive thought pattern (as opposed to the jumbled mess in my mind)¬†is supremely important to me.

Does anyone relate? If so, how do you get out of it?

I went to a Catholic Girl’s School and I’m Not Catholic


…but I loved that school I entered the school in 9th grade. At first, I was nervous because the vast majority of students were Catholic, we had to take theology classes, and we had mandatory mass every month. I know this is random, but a girl I went to high school with just posted a link to an article about Catholic girl’s schools and it made me nostalgic!

All my nerves were unfounded. Yes, most girls were Catholic, but our religion almost never came up. Freshman year I invited my best friend to a church lock-in. Her parents knew I was not Catholic and they were okay with that as long as I didn’t belong to a certain non-Judeo-Christian religion, which I did not So, all was well. We prayed every morning during assembly, but no one looked at me oddly for not making the sign of the cross. It was okay if I did not say the prayers along with the others. All anyone expected was for me to be polite during the prayer and not disturb those who prayed. In other words, If I was quiet no one cared.

I was nervous about theology classes, not because I was afraid to be exposed to new belies, but because I figured the others would have a leg up on me and I’d do poorly. Again, this concern was unnecessary! First of all, Theology classes may be a loose term. Freshman year amounted to sex ed, which surprisingly, was not limited to abstinence or heterosexuality. Sophomore year was about the Bible, but the teacher presented outside information. Sure knowledge of the basic stories was helpful, but not needed because the teacher explained the plots while teaching. Junior year was comparative religions. That was interesting! No one had a sure grasp of every religion we studied, so no one had an advantage. Senior year was the best, it was a social justice course It wasn’t so much about Catholic tenants anymore, as it was about what you, individually, believed were moral actions and why. As long as you could articulate your beliefs and support them logically, it did not matter whether you agreed with Catholic teachings or not. It was helpful to me because it forced me to really think about why I believed what I believed.

The first couple of times I was in mass, I was nervous. However, there were procedures for people who were not Catholic Again, the only real expectation was that you did not ruin anyone else’s time. So, when they had communion I could approach the priest if I wanted to, instead of making the sign of the cross I crossed my arms across my chest in an X, like I was doing one of those faith falls where you trust the people behind you to catch you. In that case, the priest would bless me and I’d go back to my seat. After taking communion, people knelt in the pews. I could do this and use the time for my own contemplation, or I could not. No one ever chastised me. In fact, if I felt like it, I could remain in my sea the entire time, neither approaching the priest during communion, nor kneeling.

I’ll always be grateful to my high school! They were uncharacteristically understanding and compassionate. You know those crazy stories of administrators suspending kids for imaginary gun fights? My school was level-headed. At 16 I used the school computers to research Gor and I joined a forum using my school email address because at the time, I was clueless about technology. An administrator on that website contacted my school, even though I lied about my age! I was terrified!! I thought I would get kicked out! Instead the school talked to my parents and asked if they wanted the school to block my internet access until I could use it safely. My parents agreed and it was a reasonable consequence. They were not punishing me, they were keeping me safe!

During junior year, I relapsed with my eating disorder. I barely made it through the 2nd semester before being hospitalized. I was still in treatment during the beginning of my senior year. M school was absolutely wonderful! They worked in concert with my treatment programs to ensure I got all my work. They were understanding about due dates and tests. They did not penalize me for missing half days. For a time, I did half days, starting at going to school once a week for a half-day and then working up from there. I did not reach full time until November! Yet, I graduated on time because my school was so understanding and helpful. I remember more than one girl I was in treatment with did not have helpful schools and some had to repeat grades or fight tooth and nail just to have communication between the treatment center’s tutors and their school. I would not have graduated with my class if my school was not amazing! Plus,, we had a senior year retreat before classes started. I missed it because of treatment and they had a bag of notes made for me. ūüôā

Things weren’t perfect but I loved that place. I miss it! If I have daughters and I can afford private school, I will send them there, even though I’m still not Catholic! Sure there was normal teenage behavior, like rumors. Apparently, everyone knew about me. When I got to PHP in my home town, I met a girl from my school who was a year younger and she said she was not surprised to see me there because people talked about me last year. Honestly, with my symptoms and rapid weight loss, it was hard to miss. Gossip is a normal thing for teenage girls.

Yes, I wore a uniform and it was freaking easy! I miss that to! I barely had any clothes during high school because I only wore other clothes on the weekends. It was great to wake up every week day and not have to worry about what I was going to wear or if I’d look stupid or what clothes were clean. It was quick and easy. Going to college, buying a wardrobe, and wearing a new outfit every day was tough! I don’t mean I didn’t¬† know how to fit in, I mean it was easier to have a uniform! Some people think uniforms are the great equalizer, making it unclear whose parents are wealthy and whose are not. Eh, that is not always true. Our shoes and socks were regulated, but some girls had designer purses or cars for their 16th birthday. Whatever. I still like uniforms! Also, every was relaxed. No one cared about how the looked because there was no one to impress. Almost no one worse make-up. Some girls cared more than I cared and did wear make-up or hair accessories, but no one thought poorly of either choice.¬†The only time I ever wore make-up in high school was for special occasions. It irks my mom now that I continue that habit at 23!

Contrary to popular belief, the nuns at my school were sweet, non-judgmental old ladies who taught a few subjects and lived at the school. I never had a class taught my the nuns, but I never heard a bad word whispered about them ad they always greeted us cheerfully.

I know all girl’s schools have a catty reputation, but there really was not drama! At times people would argue or create drama, but it was rare. Our class was small, 70 girls per grade. If anything, we were very supportive of one another. I’m friends with all of them on Facebook. Last November one girl invited all of us to her house for a get-together. This Christmas season, another girl suggested we all – yes, all – go out clubbing. That is not my idea of fun, but my point is even though I may not be best¬† friends with all of them,¬†we are¬†friendly. If I was in dire straights, I could ask any one of them for help and they could do the same. Also after hurricane Katrina, the New Orleans school was closed for some time and many of the other Sacred Heart schools in the U.S., including my own,¬†took their girls in until the school was repaired.

Also, one of my teachers volunteered, without my parents even asking, to sit with me at lunch when I first started eating lunch at school again to give me accountability. She was awesome! ūüôā

I’m a Daughter of the Sacred Heart and I have the ring to prove it at convents around the world. My family went to Italy and at the Church at the top of the Spanish Steps in Rome is run by Sisters of the Sacred Heart. There is a miraculous painting there. I wanted to see it because I’d heard about it in school, but it was after hours. The painting was located in a school adjacent to the Church and it was closed to the public during the time of day we arrived. I found a nun who spoke English and asked about the painting when she told me it was off limits. I explained where I went to high school and showed her my ring. She got keys, unlocked the building and led me to the painting! ‚̧ According to the Wikipedia page I looked up for the correct name of the Spanish Steps, it is no longer run by the Sacred Heart, but in 2008 (after the Wikipedia page claims it was turned over to others) the Sisters of the Sacred Heart were still there and in charge.

Alone? Want a new mom for the Holidays?


I’m a little late, considering Hanukkah is over tonight. This is a heart-warming project geared toward LGBTQ people without family for the holidays,

http://www.yourholidaymom.com/

“Hello Dear Friends And Supporters!

This season, supportive moms (and dads, sisters, brothers, grandparents and friends too!) have gathered to send a holiday message to all LGBTQ children, teens and adults who are without family support and who would like a ‚Äústand-in Holiday family.‚ÄĚ Knowing that not¬†every parent is ready to accept her own LGBTQ child exactly as-is (as hard as this is for us to imagine), we have written to extend our love beyond that of our own family.

We are not celebrities. We are everyday friends and family from everyday homes. Many, but not all, have LGBTQ ¬†children of our own (hence, some use full names and photos, and some do not).¬†Many, but not all, are straight. In other words, even our writers here represent diversity. The vast majority of us came together because they heard about the project in our 2012 season, and many have never met me or each other. The common bond we share is that we are so full of love and pride for our own children‚ÄďLGBTQ and straight‚Äďwe wanted to extend ourselves beyond our own families and do something more.”

I’m insane because of Feminism


I FIGURED IT OUT! I was born in the wrong time period! I’m currently watching “Princess”, the Legend of the Seeker episode where Cara/Tabrett Bethell must pretend to be a princess. There is an impromptu curtsy-off over who can bend the lowest. I thought to myself, “I’d already fail, cotillion and Maypole dancing failed to teach me a proper curtsy!” To check my spelling of cotillion I Googled it and ended up reading the wikipedia pages about it and Maypole dances. They’re both old. Cotillion dates to the 1700s in France and May Day is ancient, but Maypole dances in the U.S. date back to 1628.

On one hand, as I stated, my curtsies are not pretty. On the other hand, I live in the U.S. in the 21st century, yet belong to a culture where cotillion, Maypole dances, and debutant balls still exist. Here, Maypole dances involve ribbons, pole, and teenage or pre-teen girls in white dresses.

Although no one ever told me women were less than or different, I grew up with clearly defined gender roles. For example, women work in the kitchen and men work the yard. Until, my sister-in-law came along, everyone silently obeyed the unspoken rules.

At the same time, outside society keeps pushing ideas down my throat like “having it all”.

So, I have factions at war. On one side, I want a protector. On the other side, I want to be independent and self-sufficient. I grew up in a world that said, “the man takes your coat, stands up when you leave the table, leads you by the arm, etc”, but I face a world that says “you must be the same to be equal.”

I know equality does not have to equal sameness. I do not view myself as less than men or anyone else, other than the whole I-hate-myself-thing. Yet, I do not think division of labor has to equal a hierarchy.

What if, my uncertainties are because I’m trying to fit into the world at large, while still holding on to the world I grew up in? And somehow, that was twisted into bdsm? It might be a contributing factor. I do feel guilty for submissive tendencies because people keep saying woman are equal and therefore, should not submit.

I believe everyone should have the right to chose their own path. My feminism: Fighting for the right to chose any path, whether that means no kids and no partner, stay at home mom, or something in between. It is like that scene in Mona Lisa Smile.

Note: I don’t really blame feminism or my upbringing for my issues! Also, Alice Paul is my hero! Yes, I like the right to vote, own property, etc. I’m just trying to explore my personal motives in life…

Nothing Good can come of hiding who I am


Sometimes I get so sick of hiding who I am. I feel as though I hide almost everything about myself offline. The mental illness, bdsm, sexuality, everything. I think no one knows me, which makes me feel very alone. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone knew all of it and accepted me despite it. I uploaded part of two scenes (from the same episode, s1e19, “Cursed”) that resonated with me because of my necessity to hide myself. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the sentiment is true for me, especially with mental illness. Perhaps it is true in regard to masochism or submission. I don’t know.

I fear I can’t trust myself. I don’t know what my truth is. I wish I viewed it as a gift, as part of who I am, as something I should not deny. I want to embrace it, control it, but is that safe or wise? I feel sad when I hear her say, “Nothing good can come of hiding who I am”; I will always have to hide who I am.


_
Just for fun, this is a version where I added audio from another episode (s1e18, “Mirror”) and clips from a third episode (s2e09, “Light”) to imply BDSM was Kahlan’s secret. ūüėČ
_

For some people, eye contact during painful parts of scenes is like
saying, “Mmm, I like it! Give me more!!” ūüėČ Not to mention that smile on
her face afterwards!!

Redemption through Service


Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I
linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little
sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a
religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite
using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious.
Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that
teaches salvation through good works.

You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, my title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”.¬†‚ÄúNicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci‚Äôs emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.‚ÄĚ via The Sword of Truth Wiki

Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.

It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.‚ÄĚ via The Sword of Truth Wiki

:(

There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, ‚ÄúOh my GOD, she thinks like I do.‚ÄĚ I‚Äôm too lazy to go searching¬†through all the books to find them at the moment.

I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?

This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.

This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people¬†in Orwell’s 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan,¬†I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website.)

Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!

So many questions, no answers.

Link


It is tough to find active blogs revolving around Legend of the Seeker (or many of my off-air fandoms). This one is still posting and it is wonderful! http://mordsithwisdom.tumblr.com/

This is their most recent post: ūüėČ Look familiar? This is Cara, not Denna, but their outfits are similar, they’re both being tortured, and they both have blonde hair.