Afraid of Growing Up Stereotype


I fit so many stereotypes for eating disordered people; it hurts.

  • White
  • High socioeconomic status
  • Afraid of growing up
  • Female
  • Relapse-Recovery-Relapse-Recovery-Relapse
  • Emotionally dysregulated
  • Cutter
  • Selfish
  • Emotionally immature and childish
  • Co-morbid mood and personality disorders (I remember joking with a friend that once we turned 18, if we still had an ED we’d be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder because it seemed like everyone we knew from treatment over 18 had that Dx. Surprise! We both have that diagnosis. My most recent treatment team disagrees, but nonetheless, one person diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder)
  • Distorted body image
  • Control issue
  • Perfectionist

Today I argued with my mom about doing my fair share of the chores around the house. Perhaps argued is not the right word. We weren’t yelling. My mom was perfectly nice about it, until I started getting defensive. I cried. The argument I had with my dad yesterday was about taking responsibility for myself (Ex. getting my headlight fixed, making doctor appointments, waking up at reasonable hours). I’m avoiding all those things for specific reasons. The headlight- money, doctor’s appointments – I’m afraid of the results, and sleeping is just more peaceful than being awake.

There was no reason for me to cry while talking to my mom. As I said, she was nice and reasonable. She didn’t understand why I started crying and I didn’t want to admit the real reason. So, I was just a jerk.

I cried because I am afraid of growing  up. That entails so much. I’m afraid I can’t handle living on my own. I’m afraid my depression and eating disorder will consume me so completely that I won’t function at all and I’ll lose my job. Losing my job means losing health insurance and income. If I’m not making money, I can’t pay bills. All the responsibilities of living on my own and financial independence seem overwhelming. I don’t want to try and then fail. I’d rather let my ED handicap me, so that I never have to try. If I never have to try, I never have to face failure.

Yesterday, my first inclination was to dive so far into my ED that no one expects anything from me. Today, I wanted to cut enough to wind up in the ER. If I’m in the ER for psychiatric reasons, no one would pressure me about school or being a fully functional adult.

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I feel like a pathetic, weak piece of shit admitting this function of my ED and I don’t know how to get over it.

 

Now on Break


Today was a much better day. We had Water Day. I didn’t plan on getting wet and trusted my “don’t – touch – me” vibe to keep  me safe. It worked too. I walked among the kids and staff tossing water on each other and using water squirts *cough* water guns *cough* and stayed dry. However, I started overheating and asked a student to spray me. He did, but then another student picked up a sprinkler and pointed it towards me! After that, all bets were off! I was completely soaked. It was a lot of fun and I’m so happy I got to be there today.

I ate a giant piece of pizza for the first time in months. On Thursdays during the summer and Fridays during the rest of the school year, staff and students can order a giant slice of pizza. It was pretty good, but not as good as I remembered. I started feeling anxious about it soon after I ordered it.

“You are ONE pound away from your weight restored weight. WHY are you sabotaging your weight loss?! You don’t deserve food. You don’t even need food, [student] won’t elope or need transporting to the Quiet Room. You have no excuse for eating. Everyone will judge you. You disgust me!” And on and on…

Then I noticed I was eating during the kids’ lunch. Usually, I work during their lunch and eat during their recess. That made me more anxious because I planned to eat pizza with a friend and that adds positive social pressure. She usually eats second lunch. Initially, I thought I’d ditch the pizza, but I made the healthy choice and got my piece of pizza. Then when I walked into the room where we usually eat, she was there! That was a nice surprise and made eating it easier.

OH, speaking of eating… My boss brought in pastries this morning. Usually I avoid them because of restricting. Today I felt like eating them. When I walked in she said, “Oh, [I] can’t resist the sweet stuff!” I almost put my plate down and left! I’ll SHOW you self-control, bitch! I did not. However, in the afternoon, after everyone cleaned up and changed out of their soaking wet clothes, we  had ice cream. I put toppings on for a student and my boss joined us and commented, to everyone, that I love sweets! Note: I did NOT have ice cream.

She knows about ED. I think she is jealous because she is trying to lose weight and isn’t losing much. On the other hand, I lost 20 lbs in a month and a half. Therefore, I believe she is taking pleasure in seeing me eat “bad” food.

Now we have 2 weeks off.

 

Jealousy


A co-worker, in another program, posted some PECs (pictures non-verbal kids point to in order to communicate) she made online and the speech therapist, occupational therapist, and my boss all *liked* her picture and commented. Granted we don’t report to the therapists and my boss isn’t her boss… but I’m still jealous and angry and paranoid because she is coming over to our program soon.

…AND I sound like a petty bitch again. The funny thing is I like the girl. I’m just so damn insecure that any “threat” to what little I do feel I contribute to the team is a huge deal to  me. I remember when the assistant behaviorist was hired I was jealous before I even knew her because I felt listened to and I felt that my opinions were valued because my boss and others asked for my opinions on potential behavioral interventions. I feared my opinions and ideas wouldn’t matter anymore because someone more qualified was joining us. It turned out OKAY. I like her and I feel like people, including her, still care about my ideas and thoughts…I used to feel more needed and wanted for other reasons too.

Damn that voice in my head. I can’t turn it off. “No one likes you. No one cares about the tokens or coping skill crap you make. She is better at crafty things and she is in school. You can’t hack school. She is better than you. You don’t belong there. You’re useless.”

Idk how to explain the feelings I get when I’m jealous (which is honestly fear). It is like… Buffy_Dawn rejection so obvious you don't want me around

I can see the future and I can see I’ll be unwanted.

When you feel like no one cares


buffy_faith_no one wants to be alone we all want someone who cares

I feel hurt because my friend read my message and has ignored it for over a day. It was an unimportant message… I guess I’m hurt because I was trying to be normal, ya know? NOT go to her in an emotional crisis. So, I just asked how her trip was… This is beyond stupid and petty. I know. I’m still anxious about work tomorrow and I don’t deal well with rejection. Part of me doesn’t want to go to work.

I wish I could make this part of my brain shut up! I take any insignificant thing and latch onto it as proof that the voice in my head is right. “See?? She doesn’t like you! No one likes you! You’re useless. No one needs you at work. No one wants you. You’re pointless. They’ be better off without you, the kids would be too.”

All anyone says is that I”m being stupid, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help. 😦

 

EDIT: YAY! My persistence paid off! She replied and we talked about normal stuff, also she noticed my drop off in negative emotional communication and appreciates it. I pointed it out and explained that I was consciously making an effort to be less emotionally draining because I wanted her to know I was trying. *does happy calorie burning dance* 😀