Crying in Least Favorite Professor’s Office


*this happened two weeks ago, I’m not sure why it is in my Draft folder*

I just met with my Contract’s professor. I don’t know if I can call him my least favorite professor anymore. I was certain he hated me, but he was sweet.

He said sometimes it isn’t a question of whether you can make it in law school, but whether right now is the right time to go to law school.

He also said a C (which is literally average because they force the curve) in Contracts does not reflect my capability. Furthermore, I’m extremely smart based on my essay answers and my answers in class (WHEN I COME TO CLASS). Therefore, it makes him sad that I got a C last semester because he is sure based on raw intelligence I should be at the top of the class. In addition, he worries because I’m already struggling again and as a result of missing 5 out of 6 classes so far this semester, I am already in a hole again. He doesn’t want me to have to dig myself out of a hole.

He said I have an interesting choice. On one hand, I could quit, get better, wipe the slate clean, and get the grades I deserve. He said it was “unfair” and used words like “deserve”, but I don’t see myself as entitled to a certain grade because I’m smart. I didn’t do the work or show up to class. Of course my grades did not reflect my capability. I deserved to fail. I didn’t say any of this. I was too busy wiping tears from my face because I know he, my LRW professor, and my friend are right.

*****warning lots of cursing ahead*****

I know a C average (I got a C+, C, and C-, which equals a straight C average) does not reflect my capability. I know based on the LSAT scores of my classmates, subjective impressions of professors, and the general population bell curve (Granted it would be different in law school because theoretically only smarter people go to grad school of any type. So, most likely I wouldn’t be as high on an IQ bell curve of my law school peers versus an IQ bell curve of the general population), I should be at the top of my class. In fact, using those measures, a C equals failure…like seriously, since I’m objectively intelligent, a C is abysmal. If I’d gone to class, read for class, done homework before the night it was due, and made an attempt to study for the exams, I should have easily gotten As. I know they’re correct when they say I am not living up to my capability and my grades do not indicate my ability. The problem is I have to at least SHOW UP TO FREAKING CLASS, read for class or FOR GOD SAKES AT LEAST OPEN THE BOOK, start a research paper before FOUR FUCKING HOURS before it is due (seriously?!?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! We’re given weeks to work on it and even class time off and I start it 4 hours before it is due. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!), and study for more than a FRIKING HOUR (Again, what the hell, you stupid fucking bitch?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You have no school from Thanksgiving to December 10th because they expect you to STUDY a semester’s worth of material. What does the lazy idiot do?!? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING…until 1 hour before the exam begin.)

I don’t know what my fucking problem is!! I’m not lazy. Honestly, I am not. I used to be on the Dean’s List in college, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh I know….fucking depression. But the fucked up thing is I WASN’T DEPRESSED the summer between senior year and law school or during Winter break. Law school makes me depressed!!!!!! So, what the fuck can I do? If I quit, I believe my depression will lift. I don’t think I’ll need a higher level of care. If I begin again or take a leave of absence and start where I left off, I think the same thing will happen all over again.

Right now I am miserable. I cannot take 3 more years of this fucked up madness. I’ll go more insane. So, why stay?

Because I hold out hope that when I am interested in the course material, I’ll like law school.

He said on the other hand I could decide to stay and push through it, but if I decide to stay I need to camp out near his office and get help to make sure I understand all I’ve missed. Also, if I miss even one more class, I can’t take the exam. In other words, I fail the class.

On the bright side, I feel a little better after crying and cursing a lot while ranting. Ha, if you knew me, you’d know I rarely curse, even in anger. I’m 23 and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at someone. Apparently, it helps to release my self-hatred.

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You Don’t have to Fight Anymore


I talked to my Legal Research and Writing Professor for an hour and a half. She is amazing! It turns out that she struggles with depression. We talked about depression, anxiety, perfectionism, medication, therapy, premature birth, support systems, and coping mechanisms. My professor asked if there was a family history of mental illness (there is a minor history, but no one as bad as me) and whether I thought my struggles were genetic or environmental. I said both, but that was why we talked about prematurity. She didn’t say anything new, but she phrased some ideas differently than other people. It was helpful.

What especially stuck with me was “Wow, no wonder you’re a fighter. You have always been a fighter…but you don’t have to fight anymore. I was proud, amazed, that you passed last semester. You’ve clearly proven you can do it and you’re smart enough. Leaving doesn’t equal failure. You need to do what makes you happy. I worry about you because law school is making you this miserable. The first year is tough, but I know many people who struggled with depression in their 3rd year. This, no degree, is worth being suicidal.

But then again, I feel like I still have something to prove. Like this: (4:44 – 5:09)

Is this what you really want? I know it is hard to know this early; if it is, maybe you should fight for it. If it’s not, the degree isn’t worth the pain you’re in. Maybe a leave of absence would help. If you’re much better out of law school that maybe your answer. Also, just because you leave, doesn’t mean you can never come back. I know students who failed their first semester, reapplied, and returned. I see no reason why you wouldn’t be accepted; you have a solid C average. You’ve proven yourself.”

She also said I can help people without a law degree. I said I wanted to do child advocacy; she said there may even be better ways to make a difference because with the law, you feel like you’re fighting unwinnable battles against this giant system. She used to be a child advocate and a juvenile defense attorney, but she became a professor because she burned out.

She said I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to be happy. I shouldn’t do things because like her, “I (she) was the intelligent person who didn’t want to take the MCAT. It was expected because everyone said I’d made a good lawyer…and I made a great lawyer. My perfectionism worked in my favor, but I was miserable.” Also, on one hand, I am depressed and that wreaks havoc on motivation, but on the other hand, is it possible I waited until the last possible moment to do every assignment, barely read the casebooks, and skipped as many classes as possible to still pass because this is really not were I want to be?

I have a lot to think about. If I become suicidal again, I will at least take a leave of absence. Short of that, I don’t know what to do. I am inclined to stay…today.

lilah teasing smile

A Bad Day or A Couple of ’em


I haven’t been to school since last Thursday. As a result of MLK Jr. day and my schedule that means I only really skipped 2 days, but still… I’ve spent the last 2 days in bed. I got up after 5 pm today and maybe 4:30 pm yesterday. I have homework due at midnight. I’m obviously behind in reading. I’m miserable again I hate this! I’m doing it hoping next semester will be better, hoping I’ll like the job I eventually get, and hoping the student loans will be worth it. I’m more and more convinced I should quit. Why am I doing this to myself?

At the same time, everyone says the first year sucks and it gets better. Plus, I haven’t taken my meds in a few days. We aren’t even 2 full weeks into the semester. I can still turn things around, easily! Right now I’m telling myself I won’t make a decision until I’ve been back on my meds for a few weeks and I’m caught up in school. Otherwise, I fear I’m making a rash choice out of feeling, not reason.

I had an awful nightmare. I haven’t had nightmares in a while. I was supposed to meet with a new lab for the first day of psychology grad school in L.A. Apparently, I went to UCLA in my dream? I got lost and freaked out, then I made a wrong turn onto a broken bridge. However, I didn’t realize it was broken until it was too late to decelerate. I flew through the air, a good 200 feet above the ground. I was certain I’d die, but then 20 feet from death, I stopped. My car got lodged on a beam above the ground. I sat there, paralyzed in fear, afraid any  movement would destabilize me. Paramedics got there in what seemed like over a half hour and they freed me. We rushed into the hospital and they quickly took stock of my injuries. Once I was out of danger, they wheeled me to a locked psychiatric unit, even though I swore up and down that I was really just lost, that was not a suicide attempt. They said it was an eating disorder unit because my electrolytes clearly indicated I was engaging in dangerous ED behaviors. It sucked, it was worse than any psych ward I’ve experienced or even seen (I.e. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Girl, interrupted). Everyone hated me…

Why Are Lawyers Killing Themselves?


http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/19/us/lawyer-suicides/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

Oh, CNN, THAT is a stupid question! The law is stressful. If you screw up, you may potentially ruin someone’s life. It is boring and it is cut-throat.