The (AWFUL) Reasons I’m Staying in Law School


I’m 97% sure I’m going to slog through the rest of the semester. It seems I hate law school with more passion than most of my peers, but I am staying. Here is why:

  1. To prove I can
  2. To make my professor’s proud
  3. In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later

(To prove I can) Objectively this makes no sense. I already passed last semester while battling depression. There is nothing to prove…except, to prove to the scholarship committee that I am capable of getting good grades. This should not matter at all, if I’m planning on quitting law school at the end of this semester. It matters to me because what positive views I hold about myself come from outside sources (IQ tests, scholarships, grades). Losing the scholarship by .07 of a GPA point makes me angry at myself. I feel the need to prove I can get great grades in law school, even if I’m not finishing.

boromir facepalmFyi, this is Ned Stark in The Game of Thrones (note the Hand of the King pin on his vest), not Boromir from Lord of the Rings

(To make my professors proud) This makes no sense either. I’ve spoken to 2 out of my 3 professors and they both said they were impressed that I got the grades I got last semester with my lack of class attendance and procrastination. They both also said I should have higher grades in their class based on raw ability. Lastly, they both expressed concern about my health, saying I am more than capable of being at the top of my class, but maybe not right now. They both suggested a leave of absence. On one hand, despite my failings, they think I’m smart and they both said they were proud. On the other hand, they both think I can’t do it. Well, I’ve proven I can get straight Cs in law school with depression. They mean they think straight Cs are no indicative of my potential and I should take time off to get healthy before coming back and kicking ass. I want to prove I can get As and Bs with depression. I suppose that is idiotic. Why does it matter that I can still pull off good grades while mentally ill? That is like someone saying, “I want to prove I can still get straight As while undergoing cancer treatment.” It matters because if I am as smart as they think I am, I should be able to get good grades in spite of depression. I want to prove them wrong in a good way. They think I’m intelligent, I want them to be happy when they think of me, not sad or disappointed. If I get the grades I “deserve“, they’ll be happy.

(In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later) I still hold hope that I can find a niche in the law, but as of now, I’ve only taken 3 classes because the classes I’m taking right now are continuations of last semester. If I can just struggle through the next 3 months and pass, I’ll be able to try classes I might actually enjoy. I’m scared of regrets. If I can make it through this semester and at least try some classes that align with what I believe I want to practice, I won’t have to wonder “what if…?”

In the meantime, here is my life:The Hulk_Avengers_I'm always angry

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You Know Law School Crushed Your Soul When…


A C+ makes you happy! In fact, not having the lowest grade in the class is a wonderful thing! It can no longer be taken for granted.

lilah teasing smile

Friends’ poor grades make you secretly smile (argh, curve!)lilah paking heat

Going from low “emerging” [aka you are clueless] to “competent”, by 1 point [aka you still have a long way to go before this quality of work would not result in being disbarred], is cause for celebration!

In some classes, simply passing, no matter how low the grade is, becomes a gift from Gods you aren’t sure you believe in. Whereas, you used to cry over B+s…Yes, you were that person and look how you fell.

Lilah you make so much more sense to me! Also, woah! Lilah is a masochist, lending credence to my theory that Law School is for serious Masochists,

cordie to lilah want to punch ulilah to cordie trying to turn me on

I was wrong; it isn’t the end of the world


irefly_KayleeOMG1

Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

*updated Dec. 9 youtube clip* Alive, but Sad, Angry, and Afraid


I’m safe. I didn’t even self-harm, which was a minor miracle. I have a half hour until my meds kick in, then I’ll work. …No, really, I will! *laughs bitterly*

I’m already on the verge of tears. My first words this morning were a lie. “Are you ok emotionally?” Me: “Yes. I’m good.” *smiles* I’m not a half bad actor, maybe I should go to L.A. 😉

If I worked 18 hours today, I could still listen to all my Contracts recordings. Ahahahaha. That is not going to happen. Even though I skip class all the time and avoid all social things, I have one amazing acquaintance/friend. She always texts me when I miss and asks if I’m okay. She encourages me. I told her about the depression and I was nervous. Her reaction was great! She was so understanding and kind! I’m considering asking for her outline. She might give it to me, after all, I am far from a threat in the curve.

I can’t decide if I should try to power through it all for hours on end or if I should try to learn specific sections in detail. That is if I even work today. 😦

I hate that my school doesn’t give medical leave to 1st semester students. My only options are voluntarily withdrawing before I take the exams or attempting to pass and let the chips fall where they may. If I pass, yay! Let’s attempt a second semester. If I fail, I’m out, but I can reapply in 1 year to another law school or 2 years to my law school. For some reason the thought of re-starting the semester is not that bad, but the thought of going through the entire admissions process again is daunting. I doubt I’d do it. However, even if I voluntarily withdraw, I have to reapply. The odds are not in my favor.

Last night I thought about other life options: Wal-Mart cashier again, psychology masters or PhD, ultrasound technician, Costco cashier (they pay more, but I’m certain Wal-Mart would re-hire me), or something I haven’t thought of yet. It isn’t the end of my life, unless I make it so. At least if I’m alive I still have hope of becoming a better person. If I’m dead, I’ll probably be tortured for all time, not a pleasant idea.

At the same time, most of what little self-worth I have comes from academia. If I fail this will shatter my fragile self-concept. Nothing worthwhile will be left. Technically I can “blame” depression; there was a point in the semester where my psychiatrist was evaluating daily whether to hospitalize me. It was a serious relapse. However, I *let* it happen.

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses Angel_I'm better than that

The right thing to do is try as best as I can, but at this point, it feels hopeless. I keep thinking, “Why even bother? You won’t pass.”

Also, I feel sad because I know my dad will be disappointed. He said he was afraid I’d let my fear of failure overwhelm me and I’d settle for mediocrity. My mom and brother each reassured me they’d still love me, even if I flunk out, but not him. 😦

I’m sorry I’m repetitive, but right now my life is repetitive: wake-up, feel guilty, think I should study, avoid studying at all costs, feel more guilt, gratefully go to bed, promise tomorrow will be different.

Lately I’ve thought maybe my ideas of slavery are escapist. I think of it like Denna, a slave in her own way as Mord-Sith, thinks of it.

Denna: “I think you’ll find it quite liberating wizard. For so long, you’ve been burdened with all the world’s concerns. Once you’re broken, you’ll have only one: pleasing me.”

Clip at http://youtu.be/JUYNJPfs5vs

I don’t have the fate of the world on my shoulders. Except, I sort of do, in that I have great expectations of helping others and if I don’t succeed I feel worthless. Of course, it is self-imposed. However, if I was a sadist’s slave, my life would at least be devoted to helping and pleasing one person. That is worth something, right? In addition, as Denna said, I’d only have one concern. I would have focus; I would have a purpose. Since my Master would be a sadist, I would be tortured and as you know, I deserve punishment. *sigh* I am well aware that this line of thinking is fraking insane. 😦