:)


I did it! I went to the coffee meeting and it was great! First of all, his picture did not do him justice! Also, he is smart and smart is more important than sexy. Furthermore, he is sweet!

Felicia Day_happy dance

The wind is awful. I had trouble walking to the coffee shop!! So, he drove me back to school. Potentially dangerous? Yes. However, I’ve risked more in the past and unless he is an amazing sociopath who can fake empathy, I had a good feeling about him. Lo and behold, I am alive! We talked for 2 and a half hours and it wasn’t awkward! I could definitely see myself marrying this guy. Obviously, I barely know him and I wouldn’t even consider a proposal until I’ve dated someone for over 2 years. However, eventually I want to get married and so far, he meets my qualifications.

I may or may not have been obviously shaking because of caffeine and lack of sleep…Oops…. I know he noticed, but he didn’t say anything. Hopefully next time we meet, I’ll be less shaky!

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If Masochism is Self-Hate…Now What?


I just don’t know. Tonight, I’m almost positive my masochism is just another form of self-harm. How could it not be with the depth of my self-loathing?!

If it is simply another way to express self-hate, is that unhealthy? …I think so… but maybe not…

Fringe_Olivia stressed

If it is unhealthy, where does that leave me? This curse has been inside me since I can remember. My mom suggested sex therapy, to manually learn to enjoy vanilla intimacy more than kink but… I don’t think that will work. So, now what?! A life with no sexual pleasure because intimacy is unhealthy for me because sex equals violence because I really, really, really think I deserve violence?!

 ALSO, TO GO OR NOT TO GO TOMORROW?!?!?!?!

First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

I found the perfect Mistress!


I want Melisande Shahrizai.

so pretty longest night

She is extremely intelligent and cunning. She knows how to read people. She knows how to get what she wants. She is a true sadist, but she cares in her own way. For example, she uses aftercare and makes sure Phedre is medically sound. In our world that is par for the course, but peeking into this fictional world and seeing more, it is clear she cares about Phedre. Yes, she sells Phedre illegally, but her intention was getting rid of her as a threat, yet keeping Phedre alive. Given the stakes of the Game of Houses, I do not think selling Phedre was unforgivable. Melisande is human; she has ambition. Phedre’s knowledge threatened her life and she knew she couldn’t trust Phedre to keep her secret. Most people in that circumstance would kill Phedre. It doesn’t hurt that she is described as gorgeous and rich.

I haven’t finished Kushiel’s Dart yet, so maybe Melisande does something reprehensible and unforgivable, but I do not think drugging and selling Phedre counts.

Picture source.

*edit* Gratefulness Day 5: I’m grateful for sadists because they’re the yin to my yang. Plus, if I can accept them as healthy, maybe I can accept myself.

When your cousin offers to go to a munch


with you…

buffy willow hug

This just keeps getting more and more interesting. At this rate, the kinksters will outnumber the vanilla people in this family.

Kushiel’s Dart


I’d happily live in Terre D’Ange; I wish masochism was revered and made someone worth more. I’m trying, I really am trying to accept myself, but I still think it makes me a freak. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind the lack of technology, if only I could see myself through the eyes of Melisande Shahrizai.

Perhaps things would be different if I’d read Carey when the book came out and I was 12.

I don’t know how the others who were essentially born this way accept it. I wouldn’t feel like a freak if a significant other introduced me to BDSM as a teenager and I found it alluring. Most stories I hear are people discovering it after puberty. I feel like a creep for having these proclivities since my earliest conscious memory. Those childhood fantasies, unbidden by someone explaining the nature of pleasure and pain such as in Valerian House, are literally my earliest memory. I cannot adequately explain why, but that makes me feel dirty and wrong and sick and disgusting. I compare it to the difference between Phedre and Adepts of Valerian House. For her, it was inborn and nothing she did could change it. For them, if they could understand the concept of pain and pleasure intermingling, their education commenced with paired pain and pleasure. For them it was conditioned. I’m not saying people who needed a partner to introduce them to BDSM are not real masochists, sadists, Masters, or Mistresses, yet somehow I draw a distinction. For Phefre, her natural “gift” was seen as a rare blessing.

I want to live in a world where my disease is seen as a gift (Yes, masochism and sadism are still in the DSM V. In contrast, homosexuality was removed from the DSM before I was born. So, technically my sexuality is a disease, yay!)

Day 2 of Gratefulness Experiment: I am grateful for everyone who accepts all types of sex between consenting adults because hearing other people accept this as simply a fact and not a burden help push me ever closer to acceptance. Jacqueline Carey is included here. 🙂 She made masochism a powerful, Angel-granted, gift. I love Goodkind, but if you didn’t notice, the sadists and masochists are evil or broken (Darken Rhal, Mord-Sith)

On that note, I’ve been thinking about finding someone I care about and having sex because I’m terrified of guilt and regret, yet the two things I feared the most caused the greatest leaps in self-acceptance. Those 2 things: 1.) My first real life BDSM exposure years ago and 2.) Telling my brother and sister-in-law about bisexuality, masochism, and submission less than a month ago. I was frightened before each of them, but they both helped foster acceptance more than any therapy ever has. If I could accept myself, I think a lot of my depression, anxiety, and disordered eating would cease.

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BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i1.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛