That Awkward Moment When You Read Diagnostic Criteria…


and think, “Oh my God, that is me!”

awkward_regan

Self-defeating personality disorder

(Wikipedia)
Self-defeating personality disorder (also known as masochistic personality disorder) is a proposed personality disorder. It was discussed in an appendix of the manual’s revised third edition (DSM-III-R) in 1987, but was never formally admitted into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). As an alternative, the diagnosis personality disorder not otherwise specified may be used instead. Some researchers and theorists continue to use its criteria. It has an official code number, 301.90.[1]

Diagnosis

Red = This fits me

Definition proposed in DSM III-R for further review

Self-defeating personality disorder is:

A) A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him or her, as indicated by at least five of the following:
  1. chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
  2. rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
  3. following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
  4. incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
  5. rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
  6. fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write his or her own
  7. is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
  8. engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
B) The behaviors in A do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of, being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.
C) The behaviors in A do not occur only when the person is depressed. Well… have depression, but all these things occur outside of depression.

Exclusion from DSM-IV

Historically, masochism has been associated with feminine submissiveness. This disorder became politically controversial when associated with domestic violence which was considered to be mostly caused by males.[2] However a number of studies suggest that the disorder is common.[3][4] In spite of its exclusion from DSM-IV in 1994, it continues to enjoy widespread currency amongst clinicians as a construct that explains a great many facets of human behaviour.[2]

Sexual masochism that “causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” is still in DSM-IV. (AND DSM-V!!)

Millon’s subtypes

Theodore Millon identified four subtypes of masochist:[2][5]

Subtype Description Personality Traits
Virtuous Including histrionic features Proudly unselfish, self-denying, and self-sacrificial; self-ascetic; weighty burdens are judged noble, righteous, and saintly; others must recognize loyalty and faithfulness; gratitude and appreciation expected for altruism and forbearance.
Possessive Including negativistic features Bewitches and ensnares by becoming jealous, overprotective, and indispensable; entraps, takes control, conquers, enslaves, and dominates others by being sacrificial to a fault; control by obligatory dependence.
Self-undoing Including avoidant features Is “wrecked by success”; experiences “victory through defeat”; gratified by personal misfortunes, failures, humiliations, and ordeals; eschews best interests; chooses to be victimized, ruined, disgraced.
Oppressed Including depressive features Experiences genuine misery, despair, hardship, anguish, torment, illness; grievances used to create guilt in others; resentments vented by exempting from responsibilities and burdening “oppressors.”
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Tabrett Bethell Wisdom


Do you remember Mord-Sith Wisdom? Well, it seems not only is Cara Mason wise, but the actress portraying her is wise to. 🙂

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Via her instagram page: (Unlike the fake twitter accounts, Bridget Regan verified the instagram is really Tabrett!)

tabrett bethell wisdom personal power easyliving livinguptoyourpotential

To be honest, I was surprised to find profound things on her instagram. Most people use it for random personal pictures. The sentiment resonates with me because along with fear (anxiety), my life is dominated by guilt.

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BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i0.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛

Legend of the Seeker News!


OMG, this was posted December 2013! While a third season would be ideal, I realize time has passed and people move on. *sobs* I’d be happy with a movie if that is all I can get.

happy girls

I know Bridget Regan is one of the busy cast members, but I’d totally watch the “Kahlan and Cara kick-ass and take names in the Midlands” movie! I love Terry Goodkind and the Sword of Truth, but Legend of the Seeker has its own special place in my heart and those epic TV show writers can keep going with whatever non-cannon plot they like!  Kahlan swordplay saving Kahlan

Reposted from the SMGO Blog.

Hi all, small update here specifically for the LOTS fans.
You guys and gals are amazing! You just surpassed 21,000 votes – that’s 6,000 more individuals since we hit our first milestone. Congratulations! (Right now, if everyone who voted pledged the site’s average of $91, you’d have enough for a direct-to-video movie) Awesome.We wanted to give you another update before the holidays, and since we heard from many of you that our last one was a bit of a debbie-downer, we wanted to give you a an uplifting post 🙂
As you’ve read in our previous post,we hit a roadblock with a couple of the Legend of the Seeker producers. The good news is that we’ve still had the opportunity to knock on a bunch of other doors. We’ve been working actively with SOS to help come up with an alternative solution – and we think we might have a good plan that works for everyone. It’s still early, and we’re working on it, but hopefully we’ll be able to share more details after the holiday season.
We’ve also been working closely with some key members of the Legend of the Seeker cast. Because more than a few of them are busy with new projects, they’ve expressed a strong preference towards a Legend of the Seeker movie. At the moment, it looks like we might try to follow in the same footsteps as Firefly/Serenity and Veronica Mars, which might be a better outcome for the series.
We’ll let you know more when things get more solid. Thanks for being awesome, keep going.
Rest assured that we’re still working hard to bring back Legend of the Seeker and that the show cast and crew are still open to the idea.
Happy Holidays all!
Dave, Laura, the SMGO team, & SaveOurSeeker.com

Would You Date a Celebrity?


This is random, but the question occurred to me because I’ve been very GIF-happy lately. As much as I talk about crushes on actors and actresses, if I saw someone IRL I’d never approach them.

For one, my biggest crush is married.

(Apparently she and Craig used to watch fanvids to get in the mood for their romantic scenes!)

Second, and seriously, I could not deal with the media attention. I have enough insecurities without strangers around the globe commenting on every flaw. It seems celebrities’ significant others and friends are often scrutinized as well. The idea gives me shivers. Third, I want kids and I am certain growing up surrounded by all that media pressure is unhealthy. Fourth, I’d never get a chance to know them as a person because I’d never attempt to converse with them if we ever met by chance. I bet it is awful to never be able to go to a Barnes and Noble and browse books for fun without people pestering you for pictures or trying to talk to you. It would suck! I wouldn’t want to contribute to that feeling.

In fact, part of the reason I write-off local actors/actresses as partners is because most of them have bigger aspirations. If they’re successful, the uber-fame would come. It is unfair to want your partner to be unsuccessful! Yet, no amount of money is worth the personal invasion.

On the other hand, I don’t feel too bad for current celebrities because they knew what they were getting in to. That sentiment does not apply to their kids. I feel sad for their children, they had no say about their parent’s identities.

Welcome Back to the Roller Coaster from Hell


Yesterday was not so great. I felt like I was thrown back 7 or 8 years to paralyzing fear, emotional abuse, scarring self-injury, and suicide attempts.

Today is a wash so far. I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm.

I’m ignoring people again (I know I need to reply to some of you); I feel guilty. When I feel any negative emotion I withdraw. I realized the reason I’m not in a relationship isn’t a lack of interest or ugliness, it is because I push people away.

I also realized in order to give a relationship a chance, I need to let go of my eating disorder. The idea scared the hell out of me and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.

Will I be ready to let go at 114 lbs? I doubt it. I know from experience once I reach x weight, the acceptable goal weight lowers again.

Anger and sadness swirl in my heart, but right now they’re veiled by exhaustion-fueled apathy.

Ha, that reminds me, yesterday my mom said, “Are you going to be some weird hermit?” …Um…maybe, but when she asked the question I just spent a week with family and a night with high school friends.

Also, 1 hour until my law school grades are posted!

Love at First Sight


Do you think love at first sight exists? I’ve never been in love. I love my family and friends, but I’ve never experienced romantic love. Therefore, I don’t have abundant knowledge on the subject. I think a parent’s love for their child can bloom at first sight. I don’t think romantic love at first sight exists.

I think lust at first sight exists. For example, I can lust over Bridget Regan, but I don’t love her. I don’t know her! I can’t love someone I don’t know. I can love her acting skills (seriously, go watch “Torn” from s2 of Legend of the Seeker), I can love a character she portrayed, I can love her looks, but without personally knowing her, I cannot love her in the deep, abiding, romantic way. Sure, I may hope good things happen. I may wish her a  happy personal life or I may be sad when she is not cast as Wonder Woman. Still, I believe knowing about someone’s character and intellect is imperative to love. Also, spending time with the person is needed. Therefore, I think romantic love builds over time; it can arise from lust at first sight, but they are not the same thing.

In The Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, Richard essentially falls in love the first time he and Kahlan make eye contact,

“She stood straight and still, her arms at her side. Her eyebrows had the graceful arch of a raptor’s wings in flight. Her green eyes came unafraid to his. The connection was so intense that it threatened to drain his sense of self. He felt that he had always known her, that she had always been a part of him, that her needs were his needs. She held him with her gaze as surely as a grip of iron would, searching his eyes as if searching his soul, seeking an answer to something. I am here to help you, he said in his mind. He meant it more than any thought he had ever had.
The intensity of her gaze relaxed, loosening its hold on him. In her eyes he saw something that attracted him more than anything else. Intelligence. He saw it flaring there, burning in her, and through it all he felt an overriding sense of her integrity. Richard felt safe.”

Such an experience would be amazing, but I don’t think it is realistic.

Do you think romantic love at first sight exists?

In case you are either uninformed or silly, and don’t know why I would lust after Bridget Regan…

She is hauntingly beautiful
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B eyes
Her gorgeous bright blue eyes
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Her full, soft-looking hair (regardless of the current color, it is touchable)
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Her legs
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https://i1.wp.com/i630.photobucket.com/albums/uu26/kaymartxD/Decorated%20images/bridget_regan_0001.jpg
Does this one even need a caption?
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B Cheekbones
Her cheek bones
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B dorable
She is adorable! (and funny, if you watch Attack of the Show)
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Her smile, any version, but I’m jealous of the first picture because I can’t pull off a closed-lips smile. Also, her perfect teeth!
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Her complexion
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candid
This looks suspiciously “real”, yet she is still amazing!
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