What should I do with my life?


Ah, skipping school again. On the¬†bright side, I took my meds today. Oh, and I’m awake before 4 pm!

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I want to help people. I want to ultimately leave the world a better place than when I left it. Am I an altruist? No. I bet this comes from the same part of me that believes I’m evil, always atoning for some nameless sin. Since my motives are less than pure, I don’t think I am doing true good works. Nonetheless, I want to make a positive impact.

I despise law school. Yesterday I said I’d wait until my meds had a chance to kick-in again, but seriously this sucks!

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Jobs that have a positive impact:

  1. Justice (Prosecutor, Child advocate, Forensic psychologist)
  2. Healer (Doctor, EMT, Nurse, ultrasound technician, MHT, Therapist)
  3. Protector (Armed Forces, FBI, CIA, Police Officer, ICE, DoD)
  4. Knowledge (Researcher – Psychological, medicine, physics)
  5. The Next Generation (Teacher)

The first thing I remember wanting to do is to work for the CIA as a spy. My parents quickly discouraged that because of the danger. All of the jobs listed above are job I’ve considered. In fact, when searching for undergrad universities I looked at teaching and nursing programs. I entered undergrad as a nursing student, but shadowing students scared me away (they were doing a microbiology lab at 10:30 on a Sunday night) and I switched to psychology before Freshman year even started. Realistically, I don’t think any of the careers I listed as protectors would accept me. Theoretically, I could work on nutrition and fitness to pass their various fitness exams, but they all require in-depth psychiatric evaluations and my dad, who dealt with government agencies in the past, says they don’t take people with depression.

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To Stay in Law School or Not To Stay?


Serious life decisions, boo…

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I passed the first semester of law school despite missing 20% of the classes, reading less than 25% of the time, and seriously briefing 2 cases. I never made an outline. I spent a grand total of 3 hour studying for exams. In other words, depression and fear swallowed me whole, but I survived. That tells me I am capable of surviving law school and more than likely I can thrive. Since I gave about 10% effort, if I gave 100% of my effort, assuming most people gave close to 90% or more effort, I have no reason to believe I would be in the bottom 80% of my class.

That semester was hell. I was close more than once to a serious suicide attempt. I don’t want to go through that again.

 

I know myself well enough to know if I got straight As I would decide I “loved” law school and I’d be excited to go back. Right now I am dreading the 9th.

I was .07 GPA points away from keeping my scholarship. If I raise my GPA by .07, I can appeal to reinstate my scholarship going forward.

What do I want out of life? A stable career that I enjoy and feel helps others. Law could give me that. Even before I got the news about the scholarship, I’ve been thinking about my true love: science. I chose law over grad school because I feared the GRE more than the LSAT. The LSAT played to my strengths. Also, I feared the strange interview process PhD schools utilize. Candidates list labs they’re interested in and if the school thinks you may fit, they invite you to a mass open house weekend, where you have to hang out with the current lab students, professors, and your competition. The current students write reports about you, basically you’re on display 24/7. I dislike meeting new people, much less a bunch of smart new people who I know are judging me!

Those weren’t the only reasons, I talked to a lot of current lawyers about what I wanted out of life, my strengths, what I love, and I asked many question about their day-to-day life. I had reason to believe I would enjoy the law.

I’m scared because I still think I could enjoy law, but I won’t get a chance to experience the areas I think I may enjoy for another year. If I go on and decide I still hate it, I wasted another year and $1,000s. Yet I don’t want to quit and lost the opportunity because maybe I will love it!

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I am nervous because it is an awful sign that I’m dreading going back. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do.

please no olivia

It feels like I’m giving up and I hate that. I don’t want to give up, if there are rewards ahead, but I can’t know that at this point.

Olivia_Scared

 

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