Emotions are running high lately because of me.
A half hour ago…
Mom: “When are you planning on getting up?”
Mom: “You’ve wasted almost half the day already.”
Me: “I’m planning on getting up soon.”
Mom: *attempts to slam door* (It won’t slam because it is already broken – not by me)
Me: *sighs and starts getting up*
Meanwhile down stairs I hear thrashing, banging, pots hitting the ground, and possibly china…more things thrown on the ground…”
Me: “Are you throwing a temper tantrum like a child or are you trying to wake me up? I can’t decide.”
Mom: “I’m NOT trying to wake you up.”
*banging stops, so I venture downstairs*
As I eat Mom is stomping around and sighing heavily.
Me: “When I start working, can you please stop throwing things or I can leave the house.”
Mom: “Working? You’re not working.”
Me: “Yes, but when I start studying can you please stop throwing things and slamming doors?”
Me: “Thank you.”
Ha, I realize I’m a tough person to deal with, but seriously?! What are you, 5 years old?I’m beginning to think the woman has anger issues outside of dealing with a mentally ill daughter. Usually I would say more mean things right back, but I’m very serene this morning. I suppose it is because I just woke up. It was sweet, I didn’t get angry feeling her anger.
I can also see more of why my brother and I developed our coping skills. Mom throws things and yells when she is upset. Dad refuses to speak to you or runs away and on rare occasion hits. My brother, I have no idea what he does! He withdraws like my dad and I, but somehow he remains calm. I guess it is because he remains detached somehow? I withdraw and hide my emotions to, but I can’t hold them in like my brother. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m weaker or maybe his detachment is real and he just doesn’t care. I get caught up in the emotions of people around me; he does not. I don’t let them see my emotions because I’m afraid of their reaction. Yet, they fester inside me and I must lance their wounds. So, I cut myself, starve, binge, purge, or let someone else hurt me to erase the emotions. (The interchangeability of these mechanism is why I fear masochism is secretly an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and not just a sexual proclivity.) It is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to burst from being too full of air, instead of letting it pop.