I am a FAILURE


Supernatural_Dean_90 percent crap - Copy

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I didn’t make it to work. 😥 I’m furious at myself and sad and disappointed. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. I don’t know why I’ve been up this long. I just couldn’t sleep. I hate myself. I hate myself, so fucking much! I feel like I’m letting everyone down (even though I simultaneously feel like they don’t need me, lol). However, even if I am not important, they were counting on me as a staff person today. FUCK ME.

 

EDIT:

It is officially over 24 hours. I’ve never had this problem before. The only times I’ve stayed up this long was pulling all-nighters in college. I have some sleeping issues; occasionally, I struggle falling asleep. Usually my sleeping problems are more like this:

pretend I have insomnia inadequate respect for tomorrow

AND SO it has come to a pathetic point indeed… I am about to log off and play Brahms’ Lullaby, hoping it will lull me to sleep.

 

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Awful Morning


I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

You Already Have Too Many Labels


I broached the topic of Avoidant and Dependent personality disorders with my psychiatrist and he agreed with me! In fact on some of the criteria I said I wasn’t sure whether they fit, he laughed and gave examples! dean supernatural facepalm

So, then I asked him why he never told me. He said some people are simple and they only have a personality disorder (or 2) and in that case he would diagnose them with a personality disorder. However, when there are multiple issues that need to be addressed, such as my eating disorder and depression, he diagnoses people with them because insurance doesn’t pay for personality disorder treatment. Plus, there is a lot of stigma around personality disorders, worse than other mental illnesses. So, it is better not to have it in my medical charts. I didn’t ask him about depressive or masochistic personality disorders because the DSM no longer uses them as diagnoses.

Also, I brought it up with my mom because psychoanalysis is not exactly the standard treatment for personality disorders. She didn’t care about it, but suggested I could bring up seeing a CBT therapist on the side. The interesting thing is she thinks my dad is avoidant. So, maybe it is genetic or learned. However, she also pointed out that I was gregarious until I was 4 years old and then something changed. She said anxiety dampens my personality, which makes her sad. She also said she knew the ability to be confident and outgoing was inside me, I just lost it somehow and became scared of people.