THANK YOU


did i fall asleep1_Echo_Dollhouse - Copy

YES!! I finally got a good stretch of sleep in! At 44 hours, I finally got to sleep for 3 hours! ūüėÄ

It was a good thing I preemptively texted work last night to call off again because my mom came in why I wasn’t awake, a few minutes after I usually leave for work! Okay, going to try to go back to sleep. ūüôā

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Last night I posted about self-injury urges and honestly, I didn’t plan on fighting them much longer after I posted. However, I didn’t cut! Behaviorism helped. I’ve been cutting for 14 years now…Wow, that is more than half my life, sad… Anyway, cutting implements (razors, box cutters, etc.) are conditioned reinforcers for me. Simply seeing a tool makes me feel a little bit better. I held the box cutters for a while, set them next to me, and then drifted off to sleep. Yay, classical conditioning!

A reinforcer is anything that increases the likelihood of a behavior occurring again. That could be positive reinforcement, giving something a person wants (Ex. When a student answers a question correctly, giving them a piece of candy), or  negative reinforcement, taking away something they dislike (Ex. The car obnoxiously beeps at you. Once you put it on, the beeping stops).

Primary reinforcers inherently make people happy like water, food, or lack of pain. Other things are neutral (Ex. Money, grades in school), but they can be paired with a primary reinforcer. If a neutral stimulus is paired with a primary reinforcer enough times, the neutral stimulus starts to elicit the same response as the primary reinforcer. In Pavlov’s¬† famous dog experiment he rang bells while presenting food. Eventually, the dogs salivated when they heard the bell, without the presence of food. Before the experiment, hearing¬† a bell did nothing, but seeing food automatically made them salivate.

Dollhouse_everybody's programmed

If you’re wondering how pain can be an automatic-primary reinforcer… Some people don’t feel pain when they self-injure. I do. For me, pain distracts and obliterates my negative emotional state. I believe the pain distracts me and the neurotransmitters’ responses replace the fear/ worry/ anger/ sadness/ etc. with positive emotions.

Conditioned Reinforcement and Response Strength

Characteristics and Functions of non-suicidal self-injury in a community sample of adolescents

Things I’d Rather Do than Go to Law School…


1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)

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3. Become¬†stranded¬†in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration

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5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I¬†already elucidated¬†my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments¬†are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!

I Am Not a Victim


“And every time someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m the biggest liar in the world.”¬† Echo in Dollhouse, “Briar Rose”, 1×11

“Do you think they sexually abused you?”

No, Trisha, stfu.

That is not actually what I said to the group therapist from inpatient (“IP”) after I shared my “Life Story”, but that is what I thought. Everyone interprets things in the worst light!

Another example from my personal therapist from IP, “Have you ever been abused?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You said that too quickly and emphatically.”

Or my IOP therapist:

“You act like someone who was sexually abused as a child.”

*sigh* Looking back on instances from my youth I’ve concluded there are¬†events that could be considered abusive, but my family was/is not abusive. I feel there is an important difference. Parents are fallible human beings, just like the rest of us.

I am not saying it is ever ok to hit a child, or call him/her a bitch, whore, slut, or a monster. However, parents are people and they have limits. I don’t think either of my parents have anger issues. On the contrary, I believe they were faced with an extraordinarily difficult child. As far as I know, they never hit or called my brother names. I remember a conversation with my IP therapist,

“…He called me an unfeeling monster and then he threatened to break my dog’s legs if I didn’t do what he wanted because he said I loved the dog more than I loved them.”

*therapist gives me a disapproving look*

“No, you don’t understand! I deserved it! I was a bad kid.”

My therapist answered, “What could an 11 year old possibly do to deserve that?”

“I was rude and refused to talk to them.”

I did not explain things adequately to her, that sounds like normal annoying kid behavior. Yet, she nor any one outside the 3 of us (except perhaps my brother), could understand what hell I put them through.

For example, the time my mom threw a pot at my head? I refused to eat and she was extremely stressed for other reasons. The time my dad called me a bitch, slapped my face hard enough to stun me, told me to leave and never come back for being surly when he asked me to empty the dishwasher? 13 year old me recently IM’ed a half dozen men explicit sexual content.

These memories make me feel sad, but I hate it when people suggest anyone in my life abused me! IT IS NOT TRUE! There is a vast difference between beating a child black and blue with a belt and slapping a stupid teenager in the face a few times.

I reiterate, I do not plan on physically disciplining my children or calling them names because I know even words said in understandable anger can leave a lasting mark on a child’s mind. However, I fricking brought it upon myself. Yes, even at 11 years old, my actions were beyond the pale.

How would you react to your 11 year old child cutting her arms so deeply she caused scars, throwing up her food, crying for no reason, refusing to eat, and refusing to talk about what is going on? I’m sure you would be afraid, even terrified. You probably wouldn’t have that reaction the first time, but what about the 10th incident?

They love me; they would do anything for me. I’ve put them through hell for 23 years and they still put up with my actions. I think they’re heroes. The fact that my brother never encountered the same treatment shows it was my actions that created their responses, not a lack of empathy or self-control on their part.

If I ever have a child like myself I have no doubt I will react better, but I’ve been there! I know what that child is feeling and thinking. They were lost in a new world of mental illness and confusing actions.

Hahaha, I can hear my IOP therapist¬† saying, “You can’t apply rules only
to yourself. If it is never okay to hit a child or call him/her names,
why is it okay to hit or call child-you names?” Maybe this entire post is a cop-out, but it is my story and I’m sticking to it!

Redemption through Service


Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I
linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little
sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a
religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite
using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious.
Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that
teaches salvation through good works.

You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, my title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”.¬†‚ÄúNicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci‚Äôs emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.‚ÄĚ via The Sword of Truth Wiki

Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.

It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.‚ÄĚ via The Sword of Truth Wiki

:(

There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, ‚ÄúOh my GOD, she thinks like I do.‚ÄĚ I‚Äôm too lazy to go searching¬†through all the books to find them at the moment.

I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?

This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.

This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people¬†in Orwell’s 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan,¬†I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website.)

Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!

So many questions, no answers.

BDSM: It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust. Right?!


“It’s not about the pain; it’s about trust.” – Echo in Dollhouse s01e09

This is true. It might be a little about the pain. ūüėČ However, for me, BDSM is about so much more than pain. It is about trust. Giving myself over to someone without reservation is beautiful. Unlike some who call themselves masochists, I do not crave pain, except when I’m very upset as a distraction. Pain as a distracting coping mechanism is not related to BDSM. In general, I don’t like pain. I want it to stop. However, I thrive on pleasing people. I always did. Through masochism, I can give someone a type of pleasure that not many would endure willingly. Through withstanding pain, I show submission and putting someone else before myself. As I said, I do not enjoy the pain. I do not get off on it. I struggle and beg. Yet, when it is over, once I recover, I want more. I like bruises. They’re physical proof of my strength, of my willingness to serve. They can excite me.

Furthermore, pain is inextricably linked to submission. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. Without pain, it feels like a role in a play; it feels like an act.

In order to let someone have that much control over me (I.e., restraints I truly can’t get out of on my own), I must trust them with my life…literally. Once bound, I am s.o.l. if they decide to go past my boundaries. That type of power exchange makes me feel safe, like I’m enveloped in a warm cocoon. I believe this is because of the high level of trust necessary. If I trust them as much as I need in order to put myself at their mercy, I cannot help but feel safe with a collar around my neck.

My favorite female characters confounded me for a while. (Cara from Legend of the Seeker, Echo from Dollhouse, Max from Dark Angel, Sydney Bristow from Alias) If I identified as submissive, why were my favorite characters the strong, self-reliant ones, who often ignored authority? Then I realized, this isn’t about laziness and wanting someone to control my every move so I didn’t have to think. It isn’t about wanting someone to take care of me and it isn’t about weakness. I value self-sufficiency and internal fortitude, in myself and others. This dynamic is about a self-sufficient, whole human being trusting someone, loving someone, enough to give that person control. The only person I could turn myself over to is someone who I knew held my best interest at heart. If my arms are going numb and I signal to them, they will listen and fix the problem to prevent nerve damage, as opposed to continuing their work for their own gratitude.

In turn, that magnitude of trust forms a deeper bond than most relationships. Moreover, trust generates feelings of security, peace, and happiness.

Are those feelings possible in vanilla relationships? Sure. However, my experience is BDSM fosters trust and openness on different playing field, faster than other relationships. It is inevitable. To be safe, you have to talk about everything going on inside you physically and emotionally.

I know there are people out there who use this lifestyle as a smoke-screen for abuse. That is awful. I have been very fortunate to be with people who respect my wishes and value my well-being above their own happiness.

If BDSM is so great, why do I have so much trouble accepting it? Well, I think there are some great aspects to it, but I also fear I have ulterior motives like self-harm. I don’t know how to suss out where genuine kinks begin and self-hate begins. I wish I knew. I don’t know what I’ll do if I decide kinky cannot be healthy for me. Also, for some reason, I feel guilty about it all.

I feel weird that the only time I find pleasure in intimacy is with BDSM trappings. I’m afraid that means something is wrong with me, that I’m not normal. Maybe if I find the right person, pain and submission won’t matter. Who knows. What if this dynamic is all I ever feel comfortable with AND it is unhealthy? I just don’t know. I also don’t know how to go about exploring these things. It feels unfair to experiment with someone. I couldn’t see myself with a vanilla person. Therefore, I’d be exploring the vanilla side of life with another kinky person. Yet, what happens if at some point, I decide BDSM is no healthy for me? What if I realize all these thoughts about pain and trust are simply rationalizations to mask self-loathing? What if it is all about the pain because I think I deserve punishment? I guess I break-up. That sounds simple, but it is not simple for me. I may be young, but I do not take intimacy lightly. I would feel dishonest going in to a relationship to explore non-kinkiness with a kinky person. Dishonesty would destroy the needed trust, making me feel unsafe. Do you see the problem?

I suppose to the solution is to develop a more relaxed view of sex. I doubt that will happen. *sigh*

If anyone is reading this, do I make sense at all? My own mind confuses me; therefore I imagine others would find it convoluted as well.

I’m not the only Doll


Alas, as far as I know, the technology for imprints and mind-wipes does not exist yet. Ever since the first episode of Dollhouse, I loved the idea of becoming a doll. I’m too tired to think, but I’ll explain my reasoning later. The main point is most people don’t understand the attraction and think it is weird.

A few of the post on the tumbler blog Dollhouse Confessions surprised me.

On the flip side of the coin…

Why the Doll state appeals to me:

  1. Dollhouse_did I fall asleepI  could escape my life for 5 years
  2. In Doll state I would have a higher drive to take care of myself than I do on my own. (I.e. exercise to peak physical fitness, eat healthily, sleep a normal amount) As a result, my body would most likely be healthier than when I went in.
  3. I could be emotionally at peace for 5 years.
  4. I’d live in a beautiful, comfortable environment. I know I wouldn’t remember it, but I still like the idea!
  5. I would get to live ever life and do things I am not capable of doing. Granted, I wouldn’t remember it, but it would still be cool!
  6. I would have skills that are beyond me. Think about it! Instant muscle memory! How awesome would that be? You could become an Olympic athlete overnight.
  7. If any of those things were morally wrong, I wouldn’t remember them. Even if I did somehow remember, I bet I could reason my way out of guilt, by saying I had no choice.
  8. I would have great wealth at the end of 5 years. Hell yes I would give away 5 years of my life if I was 210% financially secure for the rest of my life.
  9. Heck, I would even become of Doll for no money if they would fix my silly brain! Topher thought he could fix Priya’s schizophrenia. He did fix Anthony’s PTSD. Take away all my mental illnesses and you can have my mind and body for 5 years! Although, I’d need assurance that my body would be taken care of.
  10. I might get to retain those skills either like Echo through a composite event, or like Anthony by becoming a Tech Head. I would even sign the dotted line if they just let me keep some skills that would otherwise take years to learn.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Related Quotes

Topher: “They volunteered for this.”

Boyd: “So we’re told.”

I would volunteer…

Topher: “Look at Echo. Not a care in the world. She’s living The Dream.”
Boyd: “Whose Dream?”
Topher: “Who’s next?”

Considering how the programming works, she is living “her” dream as far as she is concerned.

Ballard: So this is it. This is where you steal their souls.”
Topher: “Yeah, and then we put ’em in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides him?” (indicates Boyd)
I do not think, if there is a soul, you can steal it. True, memories make up who we are, memories form our perceptions of the world, our beliefs, our thought processes, who or what we love, but I believe some part of us are inborn, little specks of personality that show up in babies.
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Woman being interviewed (by a reporter breaking the Dollhouse case) : “The only reason someone would volunteer to be a slave is that they is one already.”
Well, *shrugs* I do think if I ever found someone I could trust enough for that type of relationship dynamic, I would enjoy an M/s relationship. In that sense, am I, at heart, already a slave? Perhaps.
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Boyd: “What about those things we program them to do? Even if they did sign up, they didn’t know what they were signing up for.”
Topher: “Lay down your burdens, old man. They have what everybody wants. They live every life, have every skill, every experience. They fall in love. Hey, real love with unreserved passion.”
Boyd: “There’s nothing real about it. They’re programmed.”
Topher: “Does that tie keep you warm?”
Boyd: “What? No.”
Topher: “No, it’s just what grown-up men do in our culture. They put a piece of cloth around their necks so they can assert their status and recognize each other as non-threatening kindred.”
Boyd: “So what is this, the ’60s? Are we gonna burn our draft cards?”
Topher: “You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net. You feel guilty, maybe a little suspicious, every time you see that Salvation Army Santa. You look down for at least half a second if a woman leans forward. And your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a big golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Dollhouse_everybody's programmed
Boyd: “Damn. You really spent some time on your self-justification.”
Topher: “Not the case. I don’t care. This is an awesome gig. This is cutting-edge science in a house full of hot chicks. Morality is programming, too.”
I see the inherent ethical problems here. For example, if you consent to something without knowing the full meaning of what you’re consenting to, your consent is invalid. However, I think I should be able to waive my rights. I think, if I don’t care, I should be able to say, “Yes, I acknowledge I will have no say in my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I acknowledge I will have no memory of any events and I know I may not be able to envision all possible scenarios for the next 5 years, but that is okay. As a capable human being, of my own free will, I accept this contract.” I know, I know, there is always the possibility of coercion. It is rife with opportunity to abuse people in other ways. Once you’re in a doll state, you have no guarantee they will ever wake you up again. For instance, they tried to force Priya to be a doll forever. Furthermore, the way consent works in the U.S., you have the ability to withdraw it at any time. In doll state, you lose free will and awareness. Once wiped, you can no longer consent. Anything done to you is technically without consent, it is as if you are unconscious. I understand all this. I promise! I understand the thorny issue of consent, I understand how easy manipulation and abuse would be, and I understand that once in Doll state, I would be helpless. However, for MYSELF, I don’t see why I cannot say I am okay with all these unknowns. You have my life for 5 years.
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Topher: “We’re great humanitarians.”
Boyd: “Who’d spend their lives in jail if they ever found this place.”
Topher: “We’re all so misunderstood… Which great humanitarians often are.”
Oh Topher, I freaking love you! ūüôā He grows so much. Also, he is a genius and a geek! Smart + geeky = best men.
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Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Would you be a Doll?
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