Controlling the Curse


I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?

Frozen_so much fear

There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person

Frozen_Conceal Don't Feel

2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person Frozen_you're not safe here

3. I’m worthless. Even if, by some miracle, someone fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.

Frozen_the cold never bothered me anyway

4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.

Frozen_can't be free

5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. Frozen_no escaping the storm inside

6. Opening myself emotionally is dangerous and scary.

Frozen_love will thaw

7. I’m incapable of trust. 8. Premarital sex is wrong and I’m bad for considering it.

Frozen_be the good girl

9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her) 10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

Frozen_can't control the curse

or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…

I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or 3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.

1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.

2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.

3. Ehh, I’m almost positive I don’t believe this.

4. I suppose this is possible, but…

I wish I had Elsa’s attitude here

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