When you feel like no one cares


buffy_faith_no one wants to be alone we all want someone who cares

I feel hurt because my friend read my message and has ignored it for over a day. It was an unimportant message… I guess I’m hurt because I was trying to be normal, ya know? NOT go to her in an emotional crisis. So, I just asked how her trip was… This is beyond stupid and petty. I know. I’m still anxious about work tomorrow and I don’t deal well with rejection. Part of me doesn’t want to go to work.

I wish I could make this part of my brain shut up! I take any insignificant thing and latch onto it as proof that the voice in my head is right. “See?? She doesn’t like you! No one likes you! You’re useless. No one needs you at work. No one wants you. You’re pointless. They’ be better off without you, the kids would be too.”

All anyone says is that I”m being stupid, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help. 😦

 

EDIT: YAY! My persistence paid off! She replied and we talked about normal stuff, also she noticed my drop off in negative emotional communication and appreciates it. I pointed it out and explained that I was consciously making an effort to be less emotionally draining because I wanted her to know I was trying. *does happy calorie burning dance* 😀

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As per usual, Mental Illness, Law School, and BDSM


Lost_Locke there is not helping me

Except “her” is me because I fricking hate “her”!! I’m with Locke on this one; I am a failure. Failure and inadequacy make me want to cry. The worst part is I am capable of this. I am making myself fail. Yet, I can’t stop myself!!

Faith_hurt the shower

This makes me angry…except the wall is me. I direct my anger inward. Trust me, life is better that way.

How I feel about exams and law school as a whole. So, I procrastinate, I sleep for hours during the day, I focus on my eating disorder, anything other than what I need to do because I feel inadequate. 2 more days. It is impossible to finish now.

Buffy_mental hospital

I came across these while searching for the above GIFs. This is false. In truth, if you spend a few weeks in a psych ward your parents will continuously throw it in your face. Every time you feel strong emotions or express fear they’ll ask, “Do I need to take you to the hospital?” (even though it has been SEVEN years). The labels and stigma never go away.

Buffy_what if I never left the hospital

Sometime though, I want to go back. Why?? Because life in the hospital is simple, easy, and stress free. You have a routine. You have strict rules to follow. Your only concern is not acting out in a manner that gets you restrained and drugged. Ironically, whenever anyone brings up the hospital I insist I’ll never be hospitalized again. Plus, I know the revolving door of treatment is not life.

River

Earlier this evening my mom said, “Don’t fall apart in the next 2 days. You’re almost there. You’ll be fine.” Too bad I’m lying through my teeth every day about how much work I complete. It is coming. I know how my mind works. I know I will avoid intimidating work until I can’t anymore. First, I’ll tell myself I have plenty of time, for now I can relax (like the day after Thanksgiving). Second, I’ll feel guilty (like this whole week). Next, I’ll begin getting anxious about all the work I have to do (this phase started on Thursday the 5th). After that I’ll start feeling overwhelmed (yesterday). Then I’ll start to panic and I’ll freeze (today). Lastly, I’ll start having suicidal or self-harm urges. I call these fleeting suicidal urges because they aren’t “real”. What I mean by that is they are not truly a wish to die. These suicidal thoughts are purely escapist. (I.e., death would be easier than this homework assignment) At this point, I know that is illogical and stupid. I won’t hurt myself because it will only make the situation worse. The danger comes when those thoughts morph into real urges to die because I reason that I am such a failure, such a screw-up, and so worthless, I deserve to die. I’ll never make anything out of myself.

Really I don’t deserve to complain. As I said, this is my fault. You made your bed, now sleep in it. I could still voluntarily withdraw, but I doubt I’ll reapply if I do that. Therefore, it makes the most sense to try to pass, even though it is unlikely.

*sigh* I didn’t realize how late it is. Just because I don’t post tomorrow, doesn’t mean I killed myself. I don’t have easy means and I’ve gotten great at ignoring the temptation. Along with knowing suicide would destroy my family, I fear eternal damnation. I’m not religious, but it is a vestige of my upbringing. I can’t be sure I’m right; therefore, I fear I am wrong and God will damn me. I may hate myself a lot, but not quite as much as Nicci because I don’t relish the idea of eternal hell. Torture in the here and now, for a finite amount of time helps my demons, torture forever does not sound nice.

Ironically, I functioned best in a BDSM relationship. I felt confident in my body, my intelligence, my worth, my capabilities, I was focused. I wish all these things could come from inside me. For some reason I only see worth when someone else wants me. There is something about someone dominating and torturing me that says, “You are worth a lot, look how much I want to control you.” Yeah, it is weird, but what the hell. Maybe I should just say screw it and go back to BDSM, even if it is “unhealthy” it is better than this.

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.

Not everyone deserves to live


Angel_a good personAngel_kill me

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

 I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

 So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

 I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

 Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

    Angel_humanityAngel_weak