And I thought I had issues!


LOL! Someone is bitter…

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I know it is unreadable, but it was the best picture I could get with my webcam. It says, “Finals monster is coming…to kill…your future in law!” I’ll probably erase it before I leave so some scared person doesn’t see it as an omen!

I’m much more confident than I should be this morning. I did not study at all this time. Ruh roh! However, I feel much less nervous than I did before my Contracts exam. Also, I saw my uber hot marine classmate (sadly, married with a child and twins on the way!) already this morning. He is nice and nice looking. :p

FYI, I probably seem proud of my procrastination or like I don’t care about law school, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m ashamed of my procrastination and I’m an awful perfectionist. I desperately want to do well, but I’m one of those people who procrastinates in order to blame my potential failure on something other than my innate worth or intelligence. If I procrastinate, I can say to myself, “I just failed because I didn’t study.” as opposed to trying with all my effort, still failing and having to face the truth that I am not good enough!  It is a terrible strategy to maintain my self-image, but I can’t seem to break away from it, despite the pain and anxiety it causes.

“14 Signs Your Perfectionism has Gotten Out of Control” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html

and

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I was wrong; it isn’t the end of the world


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Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel happy though because I thought I would feel awful after the exam!

Also:

Now is the Time to PANIC!


Fraking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to check my exam software though, hence I am online. I decided not to use it. I ran into a really sweet janitor. She said, “Good luck!” I said, “Thanks! I’ll need it!”

She replied, “Come here sweetie.” and she gave me a hug. 🙂 Then she said, “It will be okay! You have to be positive.” I replied, “I’ll try.” Anyway, she was kind! I’ve run into her before. Once I was waiting outside a professor’s office and she was cleaning near me. I asked if she needed me to move so she could get to my spot. Apparently, it is unnecessary to get out of the way for janitors in this building. So, maybe she recognized me. I doubt it because that was a month ago. She said I was “dragging”. Haha, I don’t feel too tired! I know I got less than 6 hours of sleep because I couldn’t sleep. At least, I didn’t try to read The Sword of Truth. I was extremely good and only read 2 short chapters before trying to sleep, then I tossed and turned all night. Right now, I am nervous, but not extremely anxious because I don’t expect to do well. I’ll try my best with what I have, but at this point…what will be, will be! Plus, everyone in my family, other than  my dad, assures me I’m still loved, no matter what. I’ll deal with the self-concept fallout later. Right now, I’m going to focus on cramming for an hour.

Bad Study Strategies and Bulimia


Bridget Regan as Robin in The Best and The Brightest

Robin:   I agree. I hate fat chicks!
Mica:   Hey, me too.
The Player:   To bulimia!

Note: To be clear, I am not body shaming! I do not hate fat people; I hate my fat!!! In fact, I am most attracted to people who are slightly overweight. Bridget Regan is an exception because she is fricking gorgeous!

Also, eating disorders are killers, but once you taste one, it is hard to get rid of it because it feels good. Pun very much intended 😉

Do you know what I don’t hate? My eating disorder. Law school stress caused the relapse. My ED is here for me when no one else can be. Just like a collar it wraps me in a comforting hug and insulates me from feeling too much. Plus, when I tried to recover I gained a ton of weight! I even got to the obese range! For me, “recovery” meant binging without purging. I know that is not real recovery, but I never got the binging under control. I binged twice this month, including today. In November I binged twice the entire month. Is it a coincidence that law school exams are looming? I think not! I’m so close and yet so far away! I’m close because they start tomorrow. I’m leagues away because I’ve barely studied.

  I'm trying to get rid of that feeling

So, why am I blogging? As a general rule, I fail at life. Also, I like to use the excuse that my meds take a half hour to kick-in. However, I find myself wasting time hours later. I can’t avoid studying today; it would be a disaster! I can avoid it for the moment. I’m currently having escapist self-harm, and masochistic urges. I don’t know if I’m completely safe. I won’t log on to my Alt of Collarme accounts and meet some random person because I don’t have a death wish at the moment. So, that is just a mind exercise. I’m not sure if I can withstand the self-harm urges. In this case, I mean doing something dangerous enough that I’d land in the hospital and therefore miss exams. Yeah, I know that is a completely sane and logical thought process. 😡

I hate myself and I hate the things I do

On the bright side, if I make it through exams, my poor followers won’t have to hear me rant about law school for a month!

The 6 Stages of Final Exams As Told by Harry Potter


This post is similar to my stages of procrastination post. (To see them, scroll all the way down to the girl, River Tam, holding a gun.) They are in the first paragraph under that picture.

The reblogged post is horrifyingly accurate, yet funny! My version? Not so funny, more whiney. :p

I’m currently procrastinating for law school exam. The first one is on Tuesday. I’ve passed through all these stages and I’m on apathy. Although, knowing me, tomorrow I’ll revert to cramming!

As Told by Laura

1. Denial

Finals? Hahahahaha! Please. I’ve still got an entire week left. Do you have any idea what I can accomplish in that short amount of time? Seriously, there’s nothing to worry about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go paint my nails like little zebras.

2. Anger

Okay, it’s not like I’m mad about finals or anything, but seriously? A comprehensive test? How unfair is that?! And it’s worth, like, 96 percent of my grade. I’m too mad to study. School is so stupid. No, everything is stupid. LET’S START A REVOLUTION!

3. Procrastination

I’m just gonna’ go over to Tiffany’s for a quick study session. I always do my best work in groups. Oh, and Jennifer, Michael and Josh will be there too, but we’re definitely gonna’ get stuff done. Definitely…

4. Cramming

Okayokayokay. Two hours left until the test. I have four Redbulls in the fridge…

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