If Masochism is Self-Hate…Now What?


I just don’t know. Tonight, I’m almost positive my masochism is just another form of self-harm. How could it not be with the depth of my self-loathing?!

If it is simply another way to express self-hate, is that unhealthy? …I think so… but maybe not…

Fringe_Olivia stressed

If it is unhealthy, where does that leave me? This curse has been inside me since I can remember. My mom suggested sex therapy, to manually learn to enjoy vanilla intimacy more than kink but… I don’t think that will work. So, now what?! A life with no sexual pleasure because intimacy is unhealthy for me because sex equals violence because I really, really, really think I deserve violence?!

 ALSO, TO GO OR NOT TO GO TOMORROW?!?!?!?!

In a Fog


Today will be interesting. I have a paper to write by midnight and I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. THANKS insomnia and anxiety!

insomnia_fringe_olivia

 

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The Evolution of Olivia Dunham


Season 1: (blue)

my first gif

Olivia is serious. She is driven. She does not trust easily and often hides her feelings. She is intuitive and smart. She is good at her job. She is brave. Once she learns about Walter and William Bell’s child experiments and her part in them, she is hurt, scared of herself, and angry at them.

 

Season 2: (blue mostly, travels to red in the last 2 episodes)

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She is still guarded (What Lies Below e12, kind of). She is really hard on herself (Grey Matters e10, e14,). She is strong (Bell, first meeting flashback Jacksonville e14), but impatient (Weis, bowling lessons). She wants to be self-sufficient, to do it all on her own (Weis, bowling lessons). She hates her human weakness/ too strong emotions (Grey Matters e10). She does not share her feelings easily; she tries to shield her loved ones (What Lies Below e12), really she wants to protect everyone (Olivia…the Revolver. e16, Brown Better e19, Northwest Passage e20). She is self-sacrificing (What Lies Below e12). She has a good memory, but can’t remember the illegal experimentation she experienced as a child (Jacksonville e14).She does not feel fear anymore; she feels angers, which makes her good at her job (Jacksonville e14). Intimacy scares her; she has trouble forming relationships (e14). She has insomnia and constantly goes over her choices again and again, beating herself up over them (Olivia. In the Lab. With the Revolver. e16). Family is the most important thing to her (Over There: Part 1 e21 – spending her last night with Rachel and Ella and going to the hostile Other Side without a plan to save Peter). “She is always trying to make up for something, right some imaginary wrong” (e22). She switches to begging rather quickly! Then again, who knows what anyone would do when trapped in a strange, hostile universe alone (e22).

 

Season 3: (alternating blue/red, last episode is gray for accelerated, but original timeline)

sunrise

She is spirited. People are always portrayed as talking back, but I don’t know if that is the smartest course of action when someone is trying to break you. I suppose it depends on the situation. If they are trying to get information out of you through torture, that may be smart because it may provoke them to kill you, but if they’re trying to brainwash you into believing a lie, it may be smarter to play along relatively soon. However, the first day would be rather quick and we don’t know how much time passed. (e1) Olivia grows a lot in her ability to trust. Furthermore, by the end, she trusts herself a little more. She is able to tell Peter she loves him!

 

Season 4: (Amber) – re-set timeline, without Peter, after he went in the machine. Fringe_Olivia saves that double agent char

Never having met Peter, even as a child, Olivia is harder, more caustic, less compassionate. For example, she is tough with Lincoln after his partner dies. She also antagonizes Fauxlivia…except for Walter…She is maybe even better with Walter. I assume because it is only her and Astrid taking care of him, not Peter. Eventually she recovers original timeline Olivia’s memories.

 

Season 5: time jump 24 years in the future

Fringe_olivia surprised

Things are strained between Peter and Olivia because when the Observers invaded and kidnapped their daughter, Peter refused to stop looking and left Olivia. On the other hand, after searching, Olivia grieved for her daughter, but joined Walter and Astrid in attempting to stop the Observers. As a result of Peter leaving Olivia, she regresses a little bit in her inability to trust. She also finds seeing her adult daughter awkward. Of course she loves Etta, but Olivia was stuck in amber for 20 years. As far as she was concerned, 3 year old Etta disappeared without a trace only months ago. Now Olivia has to adjust to the idea of her daughter as an adult. Furthermore, like the others Olivia not only missed out on Etta’s childhood, but also missed out on all world developments for the past 20 years. The world is strange, even compared to the world they knew. Peter seems to adapt to adult Etta better than Olivia, but he always had an easier time with emotions. In the end, Olivia and Peter reconcile and turn to each other for comfort.

Change is Good: Over the past 5 years, Olivia has undergone an immense transformations. The time jump caused some regression in her emotional development; nonetheless, she blossomed at Fringe division. She remains rather serious, but her smile comes easier. She (understandably) has trust issues, but she learns to let herself be vulnerable. She conquers her fear of letting someone into her heart. She accepts her flaws and she accepts her past. Olivia is not perfect; after all, she is human, but she made a lot of progress.

Fringe_olivia run fingers through hair

MAKING yourself depressed, LETTING your eating disorder come back


Mom said those words to me. She claims I’m self-sabotaging. There might be some merit to that statement because I can see myself going downhill as behaviors increase and I do nothing to stop it. sad olivia

If I cared more I would tell my parents or my treatment team about the increase in behaviors. Failing to heed warning signs is like letting my eating disorder come back, which could be self-sabotage. Technically, I make myself depressed. My depression is almost always a result of distorted thinking, as opposed to a random chemical imbalance. While thoughts can alter brain function (For example, brain imaging shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on changing problematic thought patterns, can re-wire the brain), I can sort of control my thoughts or at least work harder to catch them, challenge them, and change them. Failing to try to change irrational thought patterns is similar to making myself depressed…except, it isn’t something I consciously do. Unlike with ED, I don’t consciously ignore thoughts, they just seem natural and pass under the radar.

On the other hand, sometimes it looks like I’m not trying because I’m falling, but in reality, I am trying. She just can’t see it. Plus, I don’t want to be depressed I want to learn what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad

and I don’t want to have an eating disorder (most days I don’t want ED). Often she says things like, “Ok you have an altered HPA access, what can we do to fix the behavior?” I know this is adaptive, focusing on the cause, when I can’t change the cause is pointless. However, the way she says that type of comment always comes off as blaming me for mental illness. Now, if a schizophrenic purposefully goes off their meds and has a psychotic break, can we blame them for the break? Assuming they did not go off their meds because of a thought distortion, perhaps we could blame them for a psychotic break because they knew the risk of relapse. However, I don’t think anyone should blame them for having schizophrenia. There is a difference between blaming someone for not following their treatment plan while not acutely ill (acute illness negates blaming them for not following their treatment plan because they’re not in full control) to minimize their symptoms and blaming someone for having a mental illness in the first place. Logically, when I take a step back, I know she means the former, but it always sounds like the latter.

On the subject of EDs, I got the “You need to be careful about loosing more weight; you’ll never see yourself as thin enough” lecture. Also, whenever my parents go out during dinner, she insists on making me dinner before they leave. *sigh* I knew the lies could only last so long. She wants to believe my lies and so she just looks at me with suspicion, but at the certain point the symptoms are undeniable. Plus, I swear she has superpowers; she can always tell if I’ve purged within the last week. I rarely wear makeup, so my eyes often look tired and puffy, but somehow she can always tell the difference between circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and circles under my eyes from burst blood vessels. The tiny red dots are indicative of purging, but they’re not always present.

Non-Violent Communication? Here? LOL!


Emotions are running high lately because of me.

A half hour ago…

Mom: “When are you planning on getting up?”

Me: “Soon.”

Mom: “You’ve wasted almost half the day already.”

Me: “I’m planning on getting up soon.”

Mom: *attempts to slam door* (It won’t slam because it is already broken – not by me)

Me: *sighs and starts getting up*

Meanwhile down stairs I hear thrashing, banging, pots hitting the ground, and possibly china…more things thrown on the ground…”

Fringe_Peter hit head bang

Me: “Are you throwing a temper tantrum like a child or are you trying to wake me up? I can’t decide.”

Mom: “I’m NOT trying to wake you up.”

*banging stops, so I venture downstairs*

As I eat Mom is stomping around and sighing heavily.

Me: “When I start working, can you please stop throwing things or I can leave the house.”

Mom: “Working? You’re not working.”

Me: “Yes, but when I start studying can you please stop throwing things and slamming doors?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ha, I realize I’m a tough person to deal with, but seriously?! What are you, 5 years old?I’m beginning to think the woman has anger issues outside of dealing with a mentally ill daughter. Usually I would say more mean things right back, but I’m very serene this morning. I suppose it is because I just woke up. It was sweet, I didn’t get angry feeling her anger.

I can also see more of why my brother and I developed our coping skills. Mom throws things and yells when she is upset. Dad refuses to speak to you or runs away and on rare occasion hits. My brother, I have no idea what he does! He withdraws like my dad and I, but somehow he remains calm. I guess it is because he remains detached somehow? I withdraw and hide my emotions to, but I can’t hold them in like my brother. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m weaker or maybe his detachment is real and he just doesn’t care. I get caught up in the emotions of people around me; he does not. I don’t let them see my emotions because I’m afraid of their reaction. Yet, they fester inside me and I must lance their wounds. So, I cut myself, starve, binge, purge, or let someone else hurt me to erase the emotions. (The interchangeability of these mechanism is why I fear masochism is secretly an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and not just a sexual proclivity.) It is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to burst from being too full of air, instead of letting it pop.

Family Breakfast


I couldn’t sleep last night. In order to keep myself awake while driving I ate breakfast and did not turn the heat on in the car. I didn’t feel cold. My car said it was 12 degrees outside; the radio said it was 10 degrees. I think I was ok because when I shivered at 19 degrees it was late afternoon. So, the sun was low in the sky and this morning it was shining. Also, I forgot my meds a few days last week. Today I remembered and maybe my body is no longer used to the high dose of stimulants.

Anyway, when I was sick my mom instituted “Family Breakfast” because unless someone watched me, I didn’t eat. I saw right through the “spending more time together” lie.

Fringe_toast

Today my mom ate breakfast with me. Usually I don’t eat breakfast, but also she is usually on her way to work when I am getting ready. Eating breakfast with her reminded of “Family Breakfast”, which reminded me of treatment.

In turn, it reminded of me treatment friends. Some of them are dead; others are on disability. One died at 20. I’m now 23, things aren’t perfect, but they could be much worse.

In other news: I’ve only skipped 3 classes this week. Granted, 2 of them were Contracts, meaning I’ve skipped 3 of the 4 class times we’ve had this semester. The other was Civ Pro…Oops! I plan on going to Contracts at 2 pm today. I also plan on actually doing research for the paper due Sunday before the night it is due. Then again, I always plan on studying/ catching up/ reading for class/ etc., but then sleep sounds so much more inviting. Haha, yesterday I was awake for a grand total of 8 hours.

LotS_cara eye roll

BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i1.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛