The (AWFUL) Reasons I’m Staying in Law School


I’m 97% sure I’m going to slog through the rest of the semester. It seems I hate law school with more passion than most of my peers, but I am staying. Here is why:

  1. To prove I can
  2. To make my professor’s proud
  3. In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later

(To prove I can) Objectively this makes no sense. I already passed last semester while battling depression. There is nothing to prove…except, to prove to the scholarship committee that I am capable of getting good grades. This should not matter at all, if I’m planning on quitting law school at the end of this semester. It matters to me because what positive views I hold about myself come from outside sources (IQ tests, scholarships, grades). Losing the scholarship by .07 of a GPA point makes me angry at myself. I feel the need to prove I can get great grades in law school, even if I’m not finishing.

boromir facepalmFyi, this is Ned Stark in The Game of Thrones (note the Hand of the King pin on his vest), not Boromir from Lord of the Rings

(To make my professors proud) This makes no sense either. I’ve spoken to 2 out of my 3 professors and they both said they were impressed that I got the grades I got last semester with my lack of class attendance and procrastination. They both also said I should have higher grades in their class based on raw ability. Lastly, they both expressed concern about my health, saying I am more than capable of being at the top of my class, but maybe not right now. They both suggested a leave of absence. On one hand, despite my failings, they think I’m smart and they both said they were proud. On the other hand, they both think I can’t do it. Well, I’ve proven I can get straight Cs in law school with depression. They mean they think straight Cs are no indicative of my potential and I should take time off to get healthy before coming back and kicking ass. I want to prove I can get As and Bs with depression. I suppose that is idiotic. Why does it matter that I can still pull off good grades while mentally ill? That is like someone saying, “I want to prove I can still get straight As while undergoing cancer treatment.” It matters because if I am as smart as they think I am, I should be able to get good grades in spite of depression. I want to prove them wrong in a good way. They think I’m intelligent, I want them to be happy when they think of me, not sad or disappointed. If I get the grades I “deserve“, they’ll be happy.

(In the hope that I will like law school/the practice of law later) I still hold hope that I can find a niche in the law, but as of now, I’ve only taken 3 classes because the classes I’m taking right now are continuations of last semester. If I can just struggle through the next 3 months and pass, I’ll be able to try classes I might actually enjoy. I’m scared of regrets. If I can make it through this semester and at least try some classes that align with what I believe I want to practice, I won’t have to wonder “what if…?”

In the meantime, here is my life:The Hulk_Avengers_I'm always angry

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Crying in Least Favorite Professor’s Office


*this happened two weeks ago, I’m not sure why it is in my Draft folder*

I just met with my Contract’s professor. I don’t know if I can call him my least favorite professor anymore. I was certain he hated me, but he was sweet.

He said sometimes it isn’t a question of whether you can make it in law school, but whether right now is the right time to go to law school.

He also said a C (which is literally average because they force the curve) in Contracts does not reflect my capability. Furthermore, I’m extremely smart based on my essay answers and my answers in class (WHEN I COME TO CLASS). Therefore, it makes him sad that I got a C last semester because he is sure based on raw intelligence I should be at the top of the class. In addition, he worries because I’m already struggling again and as a result of missing 5 out of 6 classes so far this semester, I am already in a hole again. He doesn’t want me to have to dig myself out of a hole.

He said I have an interesting choice. On one hand, I could quit, get better, wipe the slate clean, and get the grades I deserve. He said it was “unfair” and used words like “deserve”, but I don’t see myself as entitled to a certain grade because I’m smart. I didn’t do the work or show up to class. Of course my grades did not reflect my capability. I deserved to fail. I didn’t say any of this. I was too busy wiping tears from my face because I know he, my LRW professor, and my friend are right.

*****warning lots of cursing ahead*****

I know a C average (I got a C+, C, and C-, which equals a straight C average) does not reflect my capability. I know based on the LSAT scores of my classmates, subjective impressions of professors, and the general population bell curve (Granted it would be different in law school because theoretically only smarter people go to grad school of any type. So, most likely I wouldn’t be as high on an IQ bell curve of my law school peers versus an IQ bell curve of the general population), I should be at the top of my class. In fact, using those measures, a C equals failure…like seriously, since I’m objectively intelligent, a C is abysmal. If I’d gone to class, read for class, done homework before the night it was due, and made an attempt to study for the exams, I should have easily gotten As. I know they’re correct when they say I am not living up to my capability and my grades do not indicate my ability. The problem is I have to at least SHOW UP TO FREAKING CLASS, read for class or FOR GOD SAKES AT LEAST OPEN THE BOOK, start a research paper before FOUR FUCKING HOURS before it is due (seriously?!?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! We’re given weeks to work on it and even class time off and I start it 4 hours before it is due. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!), and study for more than a FRIKING HOUR (Again, what the hell, you stupid fucking bitch?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You have no school from Thanksgiving to December 10th because they expect you to STUDY a semester’s worth of material. What does the lazy idiot do?!? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING…until 1 hour before the exam begin.)

I don’t know what my fucking problem is!! I’m not lazy. Honestly, I am not. I used to be on the Dean’s List in college, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh I know….fucking depression. But the fucked up thing is I WASN’T DEPRESSED the summer between senior year and law school or during Winter break. Law school makes me depressed!!!!!! So, what the fuck can I do? If I quit, I believe my depression will lift. I don’t think I’ll need a higher level of care. If I begin again or take a leave of absence and start where I left off, I think the same thing will happen all over again.

Right now I am miserable. I cannot take 3 more years of this fucked up madness. I’ll go more insane. So, why stay?

Because I hold out hope that when I am interested in the course material, I’ll like law school.

He said on the other hand I could decide to stay and push through it, but if I decide to stay I need to camp out near his office and get help to make sure I understand all I’ve missed. Also, if I miss even one more class, I can’t take the exam. In other words, I fail the class.

On the bright side, I feel a little better after crying and cursing a lot while ranting. Ha, if you knew me, you’d know I rarely curse, even in anger. I’m 23 and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at someone. Apparently, it helps to release my self-hatred.

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You Know Law School Crushed Your Soul When…


A C+ makes you happy! In fact, not having the lowest grade in the class is a wonderful thing! It can no longer be taken for granted.

lilah teasing smile

Friends’ poor grades make you secretly smile (argh, curve!)lilah paking heat

Going from low “emerging” [aka you are clueless] to “competent”, by 1 point [aka you still have a long way to go before this quality of work would not result in being disbarred], is cause for celebration!

In some classes, simply passing, no matter how low the grade is, becomes a gift from Gods you aren’t sure you believe in. Whereas, you used to cry over B+s…Yes, you were that person and look how you fell.

Lilah you make so much more sense to me! Also, woah! Lilah is a masochist, lending credence to my theory that Law School is for serious Masochists,

cordie to lilah want to punch ulilah to cordie trying to turn me on