The Positive Coming Out Experience


Sometimes Vulnerability is Good. After admitting my bisexuality to my sister-in-law, my brother, sister-in-law, and I ended up talking for 2 hours and there were a few mutual comings out. Here are some things I learned…

1. My big brother is kinky and knew it at age 7.

Sawyer surprised

I’m not alone! I always thought I was weird because I had masochistic fantasies from such a young age, whereas according to research and anecdotal evidence, most people don’t realize they are kinky until they are older. It worried me; I felt something must be wrong with me. Knowing my brother is similar lifts a huge burden. As usual, I can accept things as good or fine for others, but not in myself. I’ve always looked up to him. So, knowing his truth and knowing how normal and good he is, normalizes me.

2. Whether or not masochism is sick for me is a tough question, how do you know if someone drinks a lot or is an alcoholic? The difference is whether their drinking interferes with their life. Perhaps that is a good way to think about this.

3. Lesbian relationships question – Is it “ok” to purposefully ignore same-sex attraction because homosexual relationships are still tough societally? There is no right answer, it isn’t wrong to ignore female attraction for fear of reprisal, especially now (I am financially dependent on my parents). However, obviously it would mean I miss out on potentially wonderful relationships. It is about happiness maximization.

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Scientific Research on Masochism


Finally I can research psychology journals or create fandom music videos without feeling guilty for procrastinating!

So far, my research is comforting! Then again, I am purposefully biased in paper selection. Since I’m not doing this research for a dissertation or a lab, I am okay with that! However, you should know I am ignoring papers that are negative. Yet, the ability to find any positive published papers on masochism is exciting!

I wanted to wait until I read all the articles I saved, but I can’t wait to share this beautiful prose from a PhD psychologist, “The sexual relations found among the clients cited above are not about people who are running away from intimacy, notwithstanding the unusual nature of their sex lives; it is about choosing an extraordinary level of intense, erotic intimacy and of mutual trust. Once one enters the power exchange with a trusted partner, there is no going back, literally or figuratively. To put oneself in another’s hands is not about escapism but rather about being uncovered, exposure and discovery. To be held,appreciated, embraced and loved despite being (or because of having the courage to be) vulnerable and known intimately can lead to self-discovery and acceptance that is transforming. This is living on the edge. It may entail placing oneself in suspended animation, changing one’s pain threshold and intensely focused concentration.”

This paragraph gives me warm and fuzzies. 🙂 Yay for knowledgeable people making it okay and NOT pathological to be me.

And

“Whereas many people conceal themselves during sex, extraordinary lovers deliberately seek out the anxiety provoking. That which creates embarrassment, trepidation, a sense of foreboding, or provokes uneasy nervous laughter, curiosity, a titillating sense of risk and/or a compelling hint of arousal (Mahrer, 1996/2004) may suggest the potential for growth resides there. Rather than trying to dampen, modulate, contain and ignore (i.e., “bypass”) the anxiety that interferes with “functioning,” such lovers explore and exploit sensitive areas and use them as an avenue towards personal development and erotic intimacy. They may not know what lurks in their own shadows but the attitude is of welcoming unknowns.”

Both quotes are from “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” by Dr. Peggy J. Kleinplatz