NOOOO!!!!


I’m not in love. I KNOW that. However, I sense my feelings slipping. As much as I like someone else to take control in various areas of my life, I detest not being able to control my emotions!

Angel_weak

I find my fantasies changing from faceless amoral kidnappers, to him. Of course, there is still violence, but it is different. There is less of the foolhardy kind I can indulge in the safety of my mind and more of the safe and sane kind. Worse still I find my fantasies sometimes revolving around the future, like kids and normal family things. I had a tough time sleeping last night.

Angel_humanity

I know I am not in love. It is impossible. I am in lust. As I said earlier, I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and it terrifies me. I want to reign in my emotions. I can see getting too close and feel my heart breaking. I’m afraid.

This sucks! I want so badly to fall in love, have that deep connection with someone, and grow old together. At the same time, I’m scared to let myself be emotionally dependent on someone, to be too enamored, and then they’ll leave and I’ll be bereft. ugh people red orange is the new black

At the same time, I am afraid this feeling will fade. In fact, from other’s descriptions, I believe it will fade. Yet, I fear it will not be replaced with whatever affection keeps people in long-term relationships going. I know he isn’t the only person in the world, but in terms of necessary qualities for a spouse, he is damn near perfect in every  important way.

On the bright side, I told him about self-injury and he didn’t seem too fazed.

*edit* I asked him why he wasn’t bothered by the SI. His response was incredible. I’ve never had a more understanding response, except from people who also self-injure. Quoting this will remove all doubt of my identity if he ever reads this blog, which would be unfortunate because depression and ED are still hidden. However, there is already more than enough here to identify me to someone who knows me personally.

“It’s not that it was something anyone wants their sub doing, but I’m realistic and understand that going through the normal struggles of life, plus your innate desires for pain, plus having to cope with accepting this side of yourself was a huge pressure, and that happens. There are plenty of angsty teens who cut without having to deal with the latter two pressures. You’re only human.”

Tara_surprised

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No wonder lawyers are evil: Law School Hell


Wolfram and Hart

I never thought lawyers were evil. Nonetheless, I have a ton more respect for them; this sucks on so many levels. So far, today is pointless. I didn’t study at all yesterday or on Thanksgiving. I haven’t studied at all today. I woke up at 9 am, or rather I was woken up. I only got 5 hours of sleep. It was my fault (or maybe Terry Goodkind’s fault 😉 ) I was too busy reading The Third Kingdom to sleep. I kept telling myself, “At the end of this chapter I’ll go to bed. I need to sleep; I won’t be able to study tomorrow!” That didn’t happen until the end of the book.

How Law School makes me feel...

How I wish I felt about my first law school exams (yay, forced curve -.- )Angel_spine trophies pwr2

How I actually feel…

Bored nowLost_Locke there is not helping meLost_I'll fail Buffy_blah blah blah1hellAngel_violence

What I wish was possible…

BooksDark Willow

Trying to summon strength…

Face of Resolve 

I can’t force myself to study. I wish I could focus…

sleepy slayer max tears1

But in the end

Dollhouse_I'm just a series of excuses 

care

I admit this is not a substantive post. It is just me complaining, in GIF form, about things I shouldn’t be complaining about. Probably because it was fun-ish to waste a few hours finding or making these GIFs.

Maybe…

thrilling heroics

aka face my fear of failure and not being smart enough. Knowing myself, I’ll still be online in 5 hours.

Defiance


Hahaha, one of the favorite Twitter accounts, Women of Defiance, just tweeted: “Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah to our favorite fandom! Enjoy your stuffed river otter and remember your safe word.” LOL. That made me laugh, which is a tall order on Thanksgiving, during an eating disorder relapse. I’m sitting in the basement, avoiding holiday cooking, and “studying” for law school. Also, thinking of things I’m thankful for made me smile, whedoneque asked, “What Whedonverse things are we thankful for?” I replied, Serenity, Faith Lehane, Fred, and Illyria. AmyAcker elizadushku.

In other news, I HATE FOOD, it is evil!! Okay, logically, I know it is not evil because it is inanimate, but I don’t have to like it. *glares at imaginary food*

*edit* OMG, Women of Defiance has a tumblr! My day has been made! Another joyous procrastination tool.

Not everyone deserves to live


Angel_a good personAngel_kill me

This morning I tried to pin down why I am not worthy of life, why I have a higher threshold to meet in order to deserve life. The result is this internal conversation. It is not eloquent and it is probably confusing, but oh well. The point of this blog is sifting through the mess inside my mind.

I have friends who do not have Bachelor’s degrees and I think they are worthwhile human beings.

Why?

The first 3 who came to find are wives and mothers.

So, is their worth based on their status as either wives or mothers?

Although motherhood confers some worth, in my opinion, I would not think they were useless if they were childless and/or single.

If it is not school or motherhood, then what gives them worth?

They are good people that is why they have worth.

Are you saying I am a bad person?

Yes.

Why? Give me proof. Why are you a bad person? What is a bad person? If you are a bad person, how can you change that? If you can become a good person, does that make you worthy of life?

A good person is someone who helps others.

Okay, so is everyone other than missionaries or other people who dedicate their lives to helping others, a bad people?

No, that is unreasonable. We all have personal needs and wants; that is acceptable. Not everyone can be a missionary, but people should try not to harm others.

Then do you harm others?

Yes.

How?

I don’t know. I am selfish. I am rude; I ditch social things all the time.

Everyone does that. You believe those things make you deserve pain?

Well, no, not specifically those examples.

Then what?

No one is perfect; I know that. However, I have the ability to be more patient, kinder, etc., be better in every way. Since I am capable of being better, I need to try to be better. Not everyone has the same capacity for empathy or whatever, but short of extremes, all we can ask is for people to try not to harm others.

Alright, so do you try to harm others?

No.

Then why are you bad?

Because I don’t try hard enough to stop harm.

You still haven’t proven what harm you cause.

 I can’t think of any atrocious harm I intended to cause. However, I have caused harm. I killed my brother.

You’re an idiot, you were a fetus, and there was obviously no intent.

That doesn’t matter; lack of intent does not equal lack of fault for example, a drunk driver killing another driver in a car accident. They may not have had intent, but they are nonetheless at fault.

So, does that drunk driver deserve to die?

No, but they deserve to be punished.

Why?

Because hurting others is bad.

Will punishment bring the victim back?

No, but they need to help the victim’s family in any way possible and they need to have consequences for their actions.

 So, because you believe your presence in the womb made your twin weaker, contributing to his death, you deserve to die?

No. Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault in total. After all, he was the one whose water broke. However, he may have been a better person.

You don’t know that.

True, but I have reason to believe it.

Really?

Yes, I am defective. I am weak.

So, why not work on fixing yourself, instead of killing yourself?

You have a point. I should work to be the best I can because I am living for 2. Yet what do I do when my best is not good enough?

What is good enough?

 I don’t know, worthwhile. As I said, either helping people, or other things like contributing to knowledge through scientific discovery, or trying my best to be good. At the same time, my best effort may not be enough.

Why? Best effort is individual.

True, but I need to make up for my sins. My best effort needs to be good enough, it needs to make a positive impact.

Why?! Because you were a twin? Because you sin?

Yes.

But everyone sins. What if you never knew about him? Also, what happens if your best effort is not good enough?

Yes everyone sins, but… I am just not good enough. I don’t know. If I never knew about him…I guess I would still have that metaphysical debt, but I would not be bad for ignoring it. I would not be held to the same standard because of ignorance. If my best is not good enough to counteract my badness, then I deserve to be punished.

If you were unaware of your twin, would you still deserve death?

Yes because there are uncountable other reasons.

In sum, for reasons you refuse to specify, you are inherently bad. People can counteract their badness by either doing their best to not harm others or contributing to knowledge. However, you bare best is not enough because you have a metaphysical debt. Therefore, you need to have a tangible positive impact in order to set the balance back the way it should be. What if you can’t make a positive impact?

Then I deserve to be punished.

Is that why you’re into BDSM? If so, is that moral? Is that healthy? Is that fair to your partner?

Don’t all people have inherent worth?

Yes, but at some point their actions can take away their inherent worth.

And your actions, before birth, took away your worth?

Yes.

What if I proved you were not at fault?

I would still be bad because I do not do my best to help people.

What about other people who do not do their utmost to help others? Do they deserve punishment?

No, not as long as they minimize harm to others.

Yet, even if you weren’t a twin, harm minimization would not be sufficient for you?

Correct.

Why?

I’m bad in other ways.

However you can’t give me concrete examples of how you are so bad that you deserve eternal torment?

Yes, because it is the sum of many smaller things that make an imperfect person.

So, in order to deserve anything you need to be perfect?

Yes, as perfect as possible.

Why?

I told you: to counteract the bad inside me!

I’m still waiting on proof that you are bad.

I am inside my mind. Only I know.

So, evil thoughts make you evil?

Not for everyone, but for me…it makes me feel guilty. I must be punished.

What are your evil thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know…I am lazy. I don’t give my full effort to school. I avoid social things. I break plans with people on no-notice or I make promises that I don’t keep.

That sounds human. Also, none of those are thoughts.

But I need to be more than human!

That doesn’t make sense. You can only be what you are, nothing more, nothing less.

I can rise above my base instincts. I am strong. Failure to be better than others is WORSE for me because I know I am capable of being good. It is kind of like, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” Well, with great capacity for self-control or positive impacts, comes a higher expectation of results. The same results from two people do not necessarily equal the same effort. The worth comes from the effort.

Your proof of badness comes from a lack of results? Even though those results are like any other imperfect person?

Yes.

What makes you so damn special that you are held to impossible standards? Basically you’re saying you are better than everyone else; therefore, you are actually worse than everyone else when your actions are the same because it shows you are not trying?

Yes. I don’t know why I have higher standards. I do not think I am better than anyone else. I do not think I am morally superior

If you are not superior, why have a different standard?

Because I know I am capable of more. Who am I to judge anyone else’s capacity to help others or contribute to society? I cannot judge others, besides they all have free will. If they were not bad like me, they have no cosmic scale to balance out. I am not superior; I am not different. I am inside my mind. I know right from wrong. I know how to be better. Since I know those things, and chose to act in other ways, I am bad. I cannot read other people’s minds. Therefore, I do not know their thoughts. As a result, I cannot judge them.

Do you think most people could be better than they are?

Sure.

If most people could be better than they are, why are they not all bad like you?

 Because I have to balance out my badness. I have a special obligation, not because I am better than anyone, but because I am worse. I need to tip the balance in the correct direction.

    Angel_humanityAngel_weak