THANK YOU


did i fall asleep1_Echo_Dollhouse - Copy

YES!! I finally got a good stretch of sleep in! At 44 hours, I finally got to sleep for 3 hours! 😀

It was a good thing I preemptively texted work last night to call off again because my mom came in why I wasn’t awake, a few minutes after I usually leave for work! Okay, going to try to go back to sleep. 🙂

No Hallucinations, Bored


Ugh, I’m bored. Maybe I should clean or something useful, but I can’t because that would wake my parents.

In the past 42 hours, I’ve had 30 minutes of sleep.

Started hallucinating (minor, people moving the periphery of my vision, hearing drills and hammers when the construction people had already left) around hour 29, I successfully napped around hour 31. Since then no more hallucinations, but also no more sleep. Sometimes I feel tired, sometimes I don’t, but I’m not motivated to do anything and I’m not happy.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

I was paranoid I was going into a manic episode, but then I realized that wasn’t the problem because I WANT to rest (except the hours I’m not tired at all like when I woke up from my nap). Right now, I don’t care about sleep. I don’t feel like it.

Theoretically, I had hypomanic episodes in the past. Various professionals say Borderline, others say Bipolar II. Borderline makes more sense to me because my mood swings are most often caused by minor external events and my cognitive reaction to them, as opposed to purely biological mood swings in Bipolar. However, the first doc to Dx me with Bipolar also put me on a mood stabilizer and I’ve been on it for almost 10 years because it helped so much. Anyway, I was worried because if the I-have-Bipolar II camp is right, I am at high risk for a manic episode. I was reading the DSM 5 today and it was some huge proportion of Bipolar II patients eventually have a full blown manic episode.

*shrug* I don’t think that is the case. I’m rambling. I might also be repeating myself. I’m going to go check.

I am a FAILURE


Supernatural_Dean_90 percent crap - Copy

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I didn’t make it to work. 😥 I’m furious at myself and sad and disappointed. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. I don’t know why I’ve been up this long. I just couldn’t sleep. I hate myself. I hate myself, so fucking much! I feel like I’m letting everyone down (even though I simultaneously feel like they don’t need me, lol). However, even if I am not important, they were counting on me as a staff person today. FUCK ME.

 

EDIT:

It is officially over 24 hours. I’ve never had this problem before. The only times I’ve stayed up this long was pulling all-nighters in college. I have some sleeping issues; occasionally, I struggle falling asleep. Usually my sleeping problems are more like this:

pretend I have insomnia inadequate respect for tomorrow

AND SO it has come to a pathetic point indeed… I am about to log off and play Brahms’ Lullaby, hoping it will lull me to sleep.

 

In a Fog


Today will be interesting. I have a paper to write by midnight and I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night. THANKS insomnia and anxiety!

insomnia_fringe_olivia

 

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