Apparently I have Low Standards


I finished Kushiel’s Legacy and I still  want Melisande! In other words I want a rich sociopath. Jacqueline Carey thinks Melisande is a sociopath, but I don’t know if that is true. She understands masochistic submissives extremely well. She clearly loves Phedre. Melisande doesn’t kill her when most people in Melisande’s situation would murder her to get rid of the threat. Melisande has multiple opportunities to kill Phedre, but she can’t. She jails Phedre in La Dolorosa, where conditions are deplorable. However, she gets worried and caring when Phedre accidentally hurts herself. She is also warm during aftercare. Then again, that might be because Melisande knows Phedre will think she cares if she acts compassionate and concerned during aftercare. However, I like Melisande, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt!

All I really want is a sadist I can spend my life serving. Apparently I’m turned on by levels of violence sociopaths display. However, I wouldn’t really want to be with a sociopath. For example I would not relish capture by Darken Rahl, Drefan Rahl, or many of the criminals on Criminal Minds. What is the difference between the scenes my serial killer friend described and the others? Simple, he seemed to not want to kill me, cared whether I lived or died, and cared about my well-being. Granted, I learned later his concern was feigned.

Nonetheless, assuming the person’s concern is real (*cough* Melisande *cough*), I don’t think I need romantic love…not the type poems and songs are made of. I’ve never felt romantic love; perhaps I’m dismissing it too easily. But come on! Melisande is perfect! She is extremely intelligent, cunning, rich, enjoys luxury and torture. She has ambition. I don’t need plots to destroy sitting rulers, but ambition is a nice thing. Ha, the money is more important. In sum, if they have money, they’re an intelligent sadist, they won’t kill me, or cast me out once I become useless (I.e., Having been the best person ever for 50 years, I get Alzheimer’s disease…despite my current uselessness, they take care of me because they feel a sense of responsibility), I’d be happy. I suppose you could call that selfless (since I can no longer give anything in return) caring…love. I guess you could also call aftercare a type of love, but it isn’t the same type of bond as I imagine romantic love. I want a bond, but I don’t feel like I need romantic love.

There are a couple of IRL caveats like I want to stay in contact with family, have a say in child-rearing, etc…but I don’t know…compared to other people’s pining, I think I have low standards.

…And…I don’t know how to feel about that.

Firefly_Mal is speechless

*edit* No wait, there are some things I would not be okay with:

  1. scat
  2. age roleplaying
  3. disability (Including smaller things, not just cutting off toes makes walking impossible or difficult, but things like if you only wear high heels for a long period of time, your Achilles tendons will shrink, causing possibly irreversible issues or people who wear butt plugs all the time and only use enemas to relieve themselves can lose the ability to control their bodily functions)
  4. excessive disfigurement (concealable scars, tattoos and brands are ok)
  5. actual animals
  6. actual children
  7. death
  8. body modifying surgery
  9. incest roleplaying
  10. encasement.
  11. Public play in vanilla places

I’ve never had anyone suggest disability, death, or children (the latter shouldn’t even count as a fetish, it is called assault!), but I’ve heard second hand about disability and death. It boils down to a.) actions that take away the rights of 3rd parties (children, animals, random vanilla people who don’t want to see bedroom behavior in the street), b.) things that are difficult, dangerous, or impossible to reverse or hide (disability, excessive disfigurement, death, body modifying surgery, encasement), c.) behavior that is especially unsanitary/ likely to make someone seriously ill (Scat – Hello, dangerous strain of E. Coli) or d.) things that bother me on a personal level (age and incest roleplaying). Some of these things I might be convinced to try under extreme duress, but I would prefer death to other things (abusing someone/thing else).

Yay! I have more standards than I realized!

Felicia Day_happy dance1

But I still want Melisande…

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When your cousin offers to go to a munch


with you…

buffy willow hug

This just keeps getting more and more interesting. At this rate, the kinksters will outnumber the vanilla people in this family.

Kushiel’s Dart


I’d happily live in Terre D’Ange; I wish masochism was revered and made someone worth more. I’m trying, I really am trying to accept myself, but I still think it makes me a freak. To be honest, I wouldn’t even mind the lack of technology, if only I could see myself through the eyes of Melisande Shahrizai.

Perhaps things would be different if I’d read Carey when the book came out and I was 12.

I don’t know how the others who were essentially born this way accept it. I wouldn’t feel like a freak if a significant other introduced me to BDSM as a teenager and I found it alluring. Most stories I hear are people discovering it after puberty. I feel like a creep for having these proclivities since my earliest conscious memory. Those childhood fantasies, unbidden by someone explaining the nature of pleasure and pain such as in Valerian House, are literally my earliest memory. I cannot adequately explain why, but that makes me feel dirty and wrong and sick and disgusting. I compare it to the difference between Phedre and Adepts of Valerian House. For her, it was inborn and nothing she did could change it. For them, if they could understand the concept of pain and pleasure intermingling, their education commenced with paired pain and pleasure. For them it was conditioned. I’m not saying people who needed a partner to introduce them to BDSM are not real masochists, sadists, Masters, or Mistresses, yet somehow I draw a distinction. For Phefre, her natural “gift” was seen as a rare blessing.

I want to live in a world where my disease is seen as a gift (Yes, masochism and sadism are still in the DSM V. In contrast, homosexuality was removed from the DSM before I was born. So, technically my sexuality is a disease, yay!)

Day 2 of Gratefulness Experiment: I am grateful for everyone who accepts all types of sex between consenting adults because hearing other people accept this as simply a fact and not a burden help push me ever closer to acceptance. Jacqueline Carey is included here. 🙂 She made masochism a powerful, Angel-granted, gift. I love Goodkind, but if you didn’t notice, the sadists and masochists are evil or broken (Darken Rhal, Mord-Sith)

On that note, I’ve been thinking about finding someone I care about and having sex because I’m terrified of guilt and regret, yet the two things I feared the most caused the greatest leaps in self-acceptance. Those 2 things: 1.) My first real life BDSM exposure years ago and 2.) Telling my brother and sister-in-law about bisexuality, masochism, and submission less than a month ago. I was frightened before each of them, but they both helped foster acceptance more than any therapy ever has. If I could accept myself, I think a lot of my depression, anxiety, and disordered eating would cease.

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