Note: I originally posted this on December 2nd, 2013, but I realized I
linked the wrong post. As a result, this post probably made little
sense. Also, this sentiment would make more sense if I belonged to a
religion that believed in salvation through good works. However, despite
using words such as sin and redemption, I am not religious.
Furthermore, I was not raised Catholic or any other religion that
teaches salvation through good works.
You know what the scary thing about that last post? I sound so much like Nicci! Also, my title sounds like some slogan 1984‘s Oceania would spout like “Freedom is Slavery”. “Nicci felt that mankind was filled with nothing but selfish desires. She selflessly submitted herself to the will of others less advantaged than herself and felt that her resentment was proof of her wickedness. As she became ever deeper immersed in the ideals of the Order, Nicci’s emotional state slowly changed. She no longer possessed the ability to feel emotion and she became nothing but indifferent toward life. Any emotion that succeeded in breaching her mental barrier faded quickly and Nicci no longer cared whether she continued to live or die.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki
Or the Fellowship of the Order… “The Fellowship was dedicated to doing the work that they saw as being the Creator’s will. They believed that those born with a need are to be served by those with the ability to help.
It was seen as a grave evil by the Fellowship for a person to live their life for themselves and not give themselves over to others entirely. Under the Fellowship, hard work was done to benefit the whole and very little was given back to the person doing the hard work.” via The Sword of Truth Wiki
There are some great quotes from the books, which I remember reading and thinking, “Oh my GOD, she thinks like I do.” I’m too lazy to go searching through all the books to find them at the moment.
I do not believe everyone should live their life for others, but like Nicci, I believe I am inherently flawed or bad and therefore, to atone, I must live my life for others. That belief is at the center of my eating disorder and fueled by depression. It goes back to my therapist saying I could not have special rules for myself. I needed to hold myself to the same lesser standard I held everyone else. Furthermore, it begs the question: Is my masochism and/or submissive-nature really a by-product of this belief?
This is slightly different from self-hate. This would mean my masochism and/or submissiveness is not about hurting myself, but about redeeming myself through serving others (sadists and Dominants), including pain because I deserve it. This could also be applied to my wish to be a Doll. Through becoming an Active of the Dollhouse, I would do nothing other than serve others. These ideas are similar to self-loathing, but not identical. One is just about self-hate, the other is about self-hate and redemption.
This post reminded me of Doublethink, the language Big Brother used to help brainwash people in Orwell’s 1984. I just realized, the views I hold for my internal world are the same views, Nicci’s ideals or the Doublethink slogan, I vilify in politics. I believe others should be able to work for their own self-interest and prosper. The idea of surveillance terrifies me. (Yes, I realize it is ironic I am posting all this on a public website.)
Wow, the realization of how horrifyingly dissonant my views of what is right for me and what is right for anyone else is disturbing!
So many questions, no answers.