NOOOO!!!!


I’m not in love. I KNOW that. However, I sense my feelings slipping. As much as I like someone else to take control in various areas of my life, I detest not being able to control my emotions!

Angel_weak

I find my fantasies changing from faceless amoral kidnappers, to him. Of course, there is still violence, but it is different. There is less of the foolhardy kind I can indulge in the safety of my mind and more of the safe and sane kind. Worse still I find my fantasies sometimes revolving around the future, like kids and normal family things. I had a tough time sleeping last night.

Angel_humanity

I know I am not in love. It is impossible. I am in lust. As I said earlier, I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and it terrifies me. I want to reign in my emotions. I can see getting too close and feel my heart breaking. I’m afraid.

This sucks! I want so badly to fall in love, have that deep connection with someone, and grow old together. At the same time, I’m scared to let myself be emotionally dependent on someone, to be too enamored, and then they’ll leave and I’ll be bereft. ugh people red orange is the new black

At the same time, I am afraid this feeling will fade. In fact, from other’s descriptions, I believe it will fade. Yet, I fear it will not be replaced with whatever affection keeps people in long-term relationships going. I know he isn’t the only person in the world, but in terms of necessary qualities for a spouse, he is damn near perfect in every  important way.

On the bright side, I told him about self-injury and he didn’t seem too fazed.

*edit* I asked him why he wasn’t bothered by the SI. His response was incredible. I’ve never had a more understanding response, except from people who also self-injure. Quoting this will remove all doubt of my identity if he ever reads this blog, which would be unfortunate because depression and ED are still hidden. However, there is already more than enough here to identify me to someone who knows me personally.

“It’s not that it was something anyone wants their sub doing, but I’m realistic and understand that going through the normal struggles of life, plus your innate desires for pain, plus having to cope with accepting this side of yourself was a huge pressure, and that happens. There are plenty of angsty teens who cut without having to deal with the latter two pressures. You’re only human.”

Tara_surprised

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Blah Blah Woof Woof


Ah, repetition… I’ve texted back and forth with the same guy the past few days. He wants to get together again and I do to. I really like him. It scares the hell out of me. I’m not stupid, I know it isn’t love. It could be lust, but I don’t think so. It is different from the feeling when I just want someone’s body. That sounds callous, doesn’t it? C’est la vie. What else is there to judge a stranger by?

Callous and strange

I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I want him. AND I DON’T LIKE IT. I don’t like it because good feelings don’t last and the better the feeling, the harder the fall. I’m emotionally vulnerable and I barely know him! What happens if I spend more time with him? The feeling might wither and I’ll be safe or it will get stronger and I’ll be weaker.

Apparently I have Low Standards


I finished Kushiel’s Legacy and I still  want Melisande! In other words I want a rich sociopath. Jacqueline Carey thinks Melisande is a sociopath, but I don’t know if that is true. She understands masochistic submissives extremely well. She clearly loves Phedre. Melisande doesn’t kill her when most people in Melisande’s situation would murder her to get rid of the threat. Melisande has multiple opportunities to kill Phedre, but she can’t. She jails Phedre in La Dolorosa, where conditions are deplorable. However, she gets worried and caring when Phedre accidentally hurts herself. She is also warm during aftercare. Then again, that might be because Melisande knows Phedre will think she cares if she acts compassionate and concerned during aftercare. However, I like Melisande, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt!

All I really want is a sadist I can spend my life serving. Apparently I’m turned on by levels of violence sociopaths display. However, I wouldn’t really want to be with a sociopath. For example I would not relish capture by Darken Rahl, Drefan Rahl, or many of the criminals on Criminal Minds. What is the difference between the scenes my serial killer friend described and the others? Simple, he seemed to not want to kill me, cared whether I lived or died, and cared about my well-being. Granted, I learned later his concern was feigned.

Nonetheless, assuming the person’s concern is real (*cough* Melisande *cough*), I don’t think I need romantic love…not the type poems and songs are made of. I’ve never felt romantic love; perhaps I’m dismissing it too easily. But come on! Melisande is perfect! She is extremely intelligent, cunning, rich, enjoys luxury and torture. She has ambition. I don’t need plots to destroy sitting rulers, but ambition is a nice thing. Ha, the money is more important. In sum, if they have money, they’re an intelligent sadist, they won’t kill me, or cast me out once I become useless (I.e., Having been the best person ever for 50 years, I get Alzheimer’s disease…despite my current uselessness, they take care of me because they feel a sense of responsibility), I’d be happy. I suppose you could call that selfless (since I can no longer give anything in return) caring…love. I guess you could also call aftercare a type of love, but it isn’t the same type of bond as I imagine romantic love. I want a bond, but I don’t feel like I need romantic love.

There are a couple of IRL caveats like I want to stay in contact with family, have a say in child-rearing, etc…but I don’t know…compared to other people’s pining, I think I have low standards.

…And…I don’t know how to feel about that.

Firefly_Mal is speechless

*edit* No wait, there are some things I would not be okay with:

  1. scat
  2. age roleplaying
  3. disability (Including smaller things, not just cutting off toes makes walking impossible or difficult, but things like if you only wear high heels for a long period of time, your Achilles tendons will shrink, causing possibly irreversible issues or people who wear butt plugs all the time and only use enemas to relieve themselves can lose the ability to control their bodily functions)
  4. excessive disfigurement (concealable scars, tattoos and brands are ok)
  5. actual animals
  6. actual children
  7. death
  8. body modifying surgery
  9. incest roleplaying
  10. encasement.
  11. Public play in vanilla places

I’ve never had anyone suggest disability, death, or children (the latter shouldn’t even count as a fetish, it is called assault!), but I’ve heard second hand about disability and death. It boils down to a.) actions that take away the rights of 3rd parties (children, animals, random vanilla people who don’t want to see bedroom behavior in the street), b.) things that are difficult, dangerous, or impossible to reverse or hide (disability, excessive disfigurement, death, body modifying surgery, encasement), c.) behavior that is especially unsanitary/ likely to make someone seriously ill (Scat – Hello, dangerous strain of E. Coli) or d.) things that bother me on a personal level (age and incest roleplaying). Some of these things I might be convinced to try under extreme duress, but I would prefer death to other things (abusing someone/thing else).

Yay! I have more standards than I realized!

Felicia Day_happy dance1

But I still want Melisande…

On stepping away from incrimination and accepting sexuality


“Love as thou wilt.” While reading Kushiel’s Chosen, it occurred to me that love cannot be evil. Sure, love can lead us to do immoral things, but the raw emotion can’t be wrong. How could it?

Perhaps it sounds cliché, but my religion is love. I badly want to believe in the God I grew up with, but I struggle. I do not think our mortal minds are capable of conceiving such grandiose things, if they are true. Therefore, how could a benevolent God punish mere humans for getting it wrong? I do not think he would. That would be like an adult punishing a 3 year old for failing to grasp theoretical physics! So, I believe if there is a God or some, any, force that is immortal and controls our access to the afterlife, he/she/they/it could not reasonably damn us for not grasping the truth of planes beyond our existence. If he is smarter than us, he is most likely wiser and more compassionate because if he is more intelligent, he would have to understand our lack of knowledge and intelligence. As a result, unless he is so far beyond us that we are tiny ants, unworthy of his concern, he would not damn us.

I believe we cannot know the truth of what lies beyond our awareness. We can cast our lot with one religion or another, but we cannot be certain until after death. So, our morals cannot come from religious precepts. Then were do they come from? I am not entirely sure, that would take another post. I do know having a positive impact on others is a good thing.

Yet, things are not so simple. One kind act could have awful implications that we could not possibly be aware of. For example, say a woman is starving and out of kindness I give her dinner. As a result, she is able to survive to get her next meal and eventually she finds her feet and prospers. Ten years later she gives birth to a daughter and twenty years after that the daughter gives birth to Adolf Hitler. Hitler, as your know, goes on to orchestrate the murder of millions of people. My one act of kindness saved a woman’s life, but in the end, brought untold suffering. We cannot know the full ripples of our actions. Therefore, how can we be judged solely on what measurable good we do in life? I do not think we can be judged that way. We could judge based on the immediate consequence of any one action, but even that could turn out poorly.

So, if not our deeds, what is left to judge our worth? I think the only thing left is our intent. If our intent is good, born of kindness, compassion, and love, I think we are good people. We may make wrong choices or we may make seemingly correct choices, which lead to catastrophe, but I think our intent is how we can judge a person’s character.

Assuming that supposition is right, how can love, gay, bi, straight, paraphilias, masochistic, or sadistic be wrong? I do not think it can be wrong! There are exceptions, when your “love” harms another person, it is not love; it is lust. For example, I believe pedophilia is wrong because a child cannot consent to sex and sexual abuse does immense harm to children. If pedophiles really loved children, they would not touch them.

However, as long as actions are between consenting adults and do not impinge on a third party’s rights, I conclude love cannot be immoral. Furthermore, if I am wrong, I cannot see how a just deity would damn me for my lack of perfect comprehension when I did not have all the facts. Faith maybe the best course of action, but we are weak; we are not omniscient. How can we be judged by standards that are beyond us?

In sum, thanks to Jacqueline Carey and Phèdre nó Delaunay de Montrève, I am another step closer to accepting this part of myself. Thanks to Deej, I accept my bisexuality. In years past, I hated my learning disability and mental illnesses. Truthfully, sometimes I still despise the mental illnesses because they make school, relationships, and life in general, much more difficult. However, I now accept my learning disability is not stupidity or a character flaw. It is a result of extreme prematurity (23 weeks gestation) and an intraventricular hemorrhage I suffered in the first 6 months of life. It is not my fault. Yes, it makes academia tougher and presents unique challenges, but I am stubborn and intelligent; I am capable of persevering. Hell, I already defied doctors’ expectations many times over. One doctor (my mom said she used to wish I’d go to medical school and become his boss in the NICU) told her: You don’t need to worry about her getting into college, or even graduating high school. She’ll be deaf, blind, and retarded. You need to worry about whether she can hold down a job, which is unlikely.

You know what? My parents are f**king right when they call me a miracle. At the time of my birth, no baby born as early as I ever survived the NICU at the hospital I was transferred to after birth. Child magazine ranked the hospital in the “top 10 best hospitals in the nation” 4 times in a row. It is considered 3rd in the nation for neonatal care according to U.S. News and World Report. Furthermore, the hospital received the nation’s highest honor for nursing excellence, the Magnet designation from the American Nurses Credentialing Center (ANCC). To date, only 170 of almost 5,000 hospitals nationwide – 3 percent – have Magnet status. In January 2010, it was redesignated as a Magnet hospital by the ANCC Magnet Recognition Program. Only 2 percent of hospitals nationally have achieved Magnet re-designation. In other words, it is a fricking good hospital and it was good in 1990 to. So, their inability to save a baby born at 23 weeks gestation says something about the state the neonatology at the time. I’m not perfect; there are immutable challenges I must live with, but I am freaking awesome when you consider everything.

some parts of me are awesome

As for the mental illnesses, I believe they are due, in part, to my first 6 months of life. Numerous longitudinal studies show NICU graduates have higher rates of mental illness, including mood disorders like anxiety and depression. I do not know if recovery is possible for me. I know Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can literally rewire the brain, maybe I can recover. However, whether or not I can gain remission from my mental disorders, I must believe I can manage them better. I can surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, I can utilize my support systems, and I can use coping skills to the best of my ability. Managing emotions does not come readily to me. I did not learn to healthily self-sooth and perhaps my emotions will always be more intense than most people’s, but I can learn to use the coping skills therapy taught me.

I used to think I did not have a “right” to be sick. I used to believe my life was perfect, I had a good school, nice friends, a loving family, and I wanted for naught; so, I thought I had no reason to struggle. Now I realize those things, while I am blessed to have them, do not negate my internal world. For whatever reason, I have these problems; they are my burden to bear. I wish it was not so, but I am what I am. I can be no more and no less. I have a right to my feelings, even my irrational ones, but I can learn to harness them. Moreover, I have a right to love who I want and how I want, so long as I am not taking away someone else’s rights.

*edit* While I acknowledge my prematurity had am impact on my development (if nothing else, I endured surgeries until I was 16 to correct certain problems), I do not agree with psychodynamic theory. They believe the unconscious governs most, if not all, mental illness, expressing some unknown need from our forgotten childhood. In contrast, I admit neonatal trauma can physically alter brain development, for example, my stroke.

It is possible that my former therapist is correct and I am substituting masochism for self-injury or my eating disorder, maybe it is unhealthy. At the same time, it gives me peace, security, and happiness. Again, as long as I am not harming others (For example, if shooting random people made me happy, I still could not morally do it.), and it is not detrimental to me wellbeing, I ought to be able to conduct myself as I want. I do not think peace, security, and happiness can be wrong. Granted, my eating disorder gives me those things, after a fashion, but it also harms my long-term health, which when all is said and done, takes away happiness. Masochism, done safely and sanely, does none of those things.

In conclusion, there are still ways I can better myself. Everyone is capable of self-improvement. Bisexuality and masochism do not make me a lesser human being or weak. They are part of who I am. In truth, so are my mental illnesses because they’ve given me more compassion and understanding of others. They’ve shaped me. The harm of mental illnesses can go, but they are not a character flaw or weakness on my part and in a way, I am grateful for them. Bisexuality and masochism are not diseases; they are not immoral. I…I am okay; I am not bad because of them. Alt and Olive_happy to see you Fauxlivia_happy to see you

B smile2 Felicia Day_satisfied smile

Sometimes I like myself


Olivia_laughing about ella

Happy 2014! I looked back through my posts to make sure there was nothing too objectionable and as I read the Evil Lawyers post, I smiled and thought, “Yes! All these GIFs are perfect! Your geekiness is awesome!”

Torn


Right now I’m coming down on the side of vulnerability and putting myself out there. I am not used to that at all. I don’t share much with people, even people I’m supposed to be close to. I don’t trust easily. I’m terrified of putting my heart out in the open, of letting myself feel.

But if I don’t give people a chance, I’ll always be alone. Love isn’t going to fall in my lap. I have to be open, I may make mistakes, I may wind up with regrets, but the only way to ensure I have no regrets and make no mistakes is by not fully living.

In order to get what I want (love), I have to open myself up to my greatest fear (loss).

When my best friend from PHP left I cried. She was the only treatment friend I cried over. I didn’t cry when anyone from inpatient left. After she left, I remember thinking the pain was not worth it. It was easier to keep myself walled off and not make connections, than it was to lose someone.

I’m standing at a crossroads. On one side there is the chance of great suffering and/or great love, on the other side there is stagnation.

Usually I run away and stop talking to people at this point. I push them away, so I don’t have to get to know them and feel the sting of their loss later. Yet, I yearn to know what love is like. I want to feel the connection songs are made of…but I’m terrified.

I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting them.

*sigh* The irony of my love of physical pain and abnormally high aversion to emotion pain is not lost on me.

  • Torn (itsebunite.wordpress.com)
  • all torn up (newrussell5087.wordpress.com)

Love at First Sight


Do you think love at first sight exists? I’ve never been in love. I love my family and friends, but I’ve never experienced romantic love. Therefore, I don’t have abundant knowledge on the subject. I think a parent’s love for their child can bloom at first sight. I don’t think romantic love at first sight exists.

I think lust at first sight exists. For example, I can lust over Bridget Regan, but I don’t love her. I don’t know her! I can’t love someone I don’t know. I can love her acting skills (seriously, go watch “Torn” from s2 of Legend of the Seeker), I can love a character she portrayed, I can love her looks, but without personally knowing her, I cannot love her in the deep, abiding, romantic way. Sure, I may hope good things happen. I may wish her a  happy personal life or I may be sad when she is not cast as Wonder Woman. Still, I believe knowing about someone’s character and intellect is imperative to love. Also, spending time with the person is needed. Therefore, I think romantic love builds over time; it can arise from lust at first sight, but they are not the same thing.

In The Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, Richard essentially falls in love the first time he and Kahlan make eye contact,

“She stood straight and still, her arms at her side. Her eyebrows had the graceful arch of a raptor’s wings in flight. Her green eyes came unafraid to his. The connection was so intense that it threatened to drain his sense of self. He felt that he had always known her, that she had always been a part of him, that her needs were his needs. She held him with her gaze as surely as a grip of iron would, searching his eyes as if searching his soul, seeking an answer to something. I am here to help you, he said in his mind. He meant it more than any thought he had ever had.
The intensity of her gaze relaxed, loosening its hold on him. In her eyes he saw something that attracted him more than anything else. Intelligence. He saw it flaring there, burning in her, and through it all he felt an overriding sense of her integrity. Richard felt safe.”

Such an experience would be amazing, but I don’t think it is realistic.

Do you think romantic love at first sight exists?

In case you are either uninformed or silly, and don’t know why I would lust after Bridget Regan…

She is hauntingly beautiful
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B eyes
Her gorgeous bright blue eyes
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Her full, soft-looking hair (regardless of the current color, it is touchable)
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Her legs
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https://i1.wp.com/i630.photobucket.com/albums/uu26/kaymartxD/Decorated%20images/bridget_regan_0001.jpg
Does this one even need a caption?
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B Cheekbones
Her cheek bones
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B dorable
She is adorable! (and funny, if you watch Attack of the Show)
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Her smile, any version, but I’m jealous of the first picture because I can’t pull off a closed-lips smile. Also, her perfect teeth!
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Her complexion
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candid
This looks suspiciously “real”, yet she is still amazing!
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