I’m More Sexist than I Thought?


I tend to judge Domme’s profiles as bitchy, rude, and arrogant.

I’m not sure why. My assessments may be unbiased. However, since I view almost every Domme’s profile that way, I think it is unfair. On one hand, many Domme’s seem to write in a similar style because that is what is accepted or wanted by others. I think most Financial Dommes and many pro-Dominatrixes are not genuinely kinky and maybe their writing style influences the others. On the other hand, maybe I am so suspicious they’re all Fin Dommes that I view their profiles through a lens. Another possibility is that I’m attributing the same characteristics I see as positive in Doms, as negative in Dommes because of social conditioning.

Examples…

“I am Bitch Goddess…Those that come to Me should do so on their knees, with fear and adoration in their eyes. I want to rend and tear that which is delicate, I want to rake My nails along soft flesh and leave blood filled trails, I want to look into your eyes and know that I am feared and loved above all others…”

“Come into My realm and let your self be free from the vanilla world that surround us and judge us. Now a little introduction about Myself. I love Myself and those around Me so if your lucky enough for Me to grace you with My presence then you should do whatever it takes to stay there. I have a No nonsense attitude about how I train and allow sub/slaves serve Me.”

versus

“My name is _____. I’ve been pretty heavily involved in the real world kink community within Ontario since 2008 and joined [this website] in late 2007, after hearing about it on another BDSM/Ds message board. If there’s anything you want to know about me, kink in general, or how to get the most out of [this website]…ask!”

“I am a dominant male as my profile says, I am not necessarily looking for an LTR 24/7 situation at this time, however that doesn’t mean I am not open to it if it were to work out that way. I am however always looking for playmates to enjoy, explore and expand my knowledge with. I find it far more fun enjoyable to talk to someone else about interests instead of just writing them down, so take a look at my pics and if you are interested send me a message and let’s get in touch.”

The above four examples were not a result of selection bias. They are all in their 20s or 30s, with Master or Mistress in their name from North America. Except the profiles of women who admitted they were pro-Dommes or people in relationships, these were the first profiles I came across in a quick search.

Based on this, maybe I’m not more sexist than previously thought! There is a huge difference in their tone. Sure I get presumptuous messages from men demanding I call them Master or graphic descriptions of what they want to do to me, when we’ve never spoken before, but it seems more common among the Dommes.

What do you think? Maybe they feel they have to put on a front for people to accept them as Dominant women? Maybe Dominant women tend to be like that? Maybe straight Dominant men feel the same way, but don’t feel socially able to express themselves so boldly on their general profile for fear of appearing misogynistic? Maybe Dommes have enough looking subs that they can afford to act that way, but Doms do not?

I don’t have a problem with appellations, rituals, or graphic descriptions, but I do not submit to someone I just shared a few IMs with on a kinky website. I submit to someone when they’ve earned my trust and obedience. Overly familiar or unrealistic demands and detailed stories directed at me from someone I don’t know are a huge turn off. In the right context, all these are wonderful, but not from someone (Dom or Domme) I don’t know.

If they had magical powers like a Confessor, this would not be a problem. 😉

a confess dalhia

Have you noticed a difference in tone from Doms versus Dommes? If so, what do you attribute it to? If not, what do you think I am missing?

Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads


The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

 

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.