MAKING yourself depressed, LETTING your eating disorder come back

Mom said those words to me. She claims I’m self-sabotaging. There might be some merit to that statement because I can see myself going downhill as behaviors increase and I do nothing to stop it. sad olivia

If I cared more I would tell my parents or my treatment team about the increase in behaviors. Failing to heed warning signs is like letting my eating disorder come back, which could be self-sabotage. Technically, I make myself depressed. My depression is almost always a result of distorted thinking, as opposed to a random chemical imbalance. While thoughts can alter brain function (For example, brain imaging shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on changing problematic thought patterns, can re-wire the brain), I can sort of control my thoughts or at least work harder to catch them, challenge them, and change them. Failing to try to change irrational thought patterns is similar to making myself depressed…except, it isn’t something I consciously do. Unlike with ED, I don’t consciously ignore thoughts, they just seem natural and pass under the radar.

On the other hand, sometimes it looks like I’m not trying because I’m falling, but in reality, I am trying. She just can’t see it. Plus, I don’t want to be depressed I want to learn what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad

and I don’t want to have an eating disorder (most days I don’t want ED). Often she says things like, “Ok you have an altered HPA access, what can we do to fix the behavior?” I know this is adaptive, focusing on the cause, when I can’t change the cause is pointless. However, the way she says that type of comment always comes off as blaming me for mental illness. Now, if a schizophrenic purposefully goes off their meds and has a psychotic break, can we blame them for the break? Assuming they did not go off their meds because of a thought distortion, perhaps we could blame them for a psychotic break because they knew the risk of relapse. However, I don’t think anyone should blame them for having schizophrenia. There is a difference between blaming someone for not following their treatment plan while not acutely ill (acute illness negates blaming them for not following their treatment plan because they’re not in full control) to minimize their symptoms and blaming someone for having a mental illness in the first place. Logically, when I take a step back, I know she means the former, but it always sounds like the latter.

On the subject of EDs, I got the “You need to be careful about loosing more weight; you’ll never see yourself as thin enough” lecture. Also, whenever my parents go out during dinner, she insists on making me dinner before they leave. *sigh* I knew the lies could only last so long. She wants to believe my lies and so she just looks at me with suspicion, but at the certain point the symptoms are undeniable. Plus, I swear she has superpowers; she can always tell if I’ve purged within the last week. I rarely wear makeup, so my eyes often look tired and puffy, but somehow she can always tell the difference between circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and circles under my eyes from burst blood vessels. The tiny red dots are indicative of purging, but they’re not always present.


Things I’d Rather Do than Go to Law School…

1. Join Division under Percy

2. Become a Doll                                  

(I DO!!!!!)


3. Become stranded in an Alternate Universe (Assuming survival was possible…I wouldn’t want to go to a Hell dimension that was completely incompatible with human life)

4. Contribute to Manticore’s Scientific Exploration


5. Marry a Celebrity

….Okay, fine, those last two are exaggerations. I already elucidated my position on knowing celebrities. I hope none of the theater girls from treatment ever make it big… In terms of Manticore: Surrogacy is awesome! Science experiments are awesome! Giving away the child I carried to a secret government organization who intended to torture him/her into a child-super-soldier…not so awesome. I wouldn’t really do that.

*sigh* Obviously my complaints aren’t the whole picture or I’d quit law school. Nonetheless, I am not looking forward to today.

*edit* I wrote this last night and scheduled it to post this morning. Right now I am sitting in Legal Research and Writing waiting for it to start in about an hour. I’m in a surprisingly good mood. I have no idea why…perhaps sleep deprivation? I managed to get at most 3 hours of sleep, even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour. I guess I’m anxious about the semester, even though I’m not sure staying in school is the right thing to do, I still want to do well. I want to prove I am smart and I can do well!