Half-Price Cheesecake!


Today and tomorrow there is half price cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory! I think this is the case for Cheesecake Factories nationwide. I went with 2 friends to one near my house. We enjoyed cheesecake and conversation. It was fun! No ED talk because my 2nd friend doesn’t know about ED. It was nice to be normal for a few hours.

This morning I was 114, my weight restoration weight from inpatient treatment in high school.

Happy Dance_Charlie_ Felicia Day_ Supernatural

At the time I was happy to reach the goal. However, it was more triggering than I realized. I purged for the first time in a while. To be honest, I lost track of the last time I purged; it was more than a month ago. The cheesecake was heavy and calorie-laden. I probably would have resisted purging, but while driving home I involuntarily regurgitated some of the cheesecake. I swallowed it again, but it was like a sign my body was unhappy.

My dad was home. At first, I thought I wouldn’t because of the chance of being caught, but then he was sitting downstairs. So,  I purged in the sink upstairs to avoid flushing the toilet. I haven’t done that in years. I don’t feel disappointed, sad, or happy; I feel comfortably numb, but that is what purging does to me.

I also think fighting with my dad this morning was a factor. I slept more than he deemed acceptable because I have phone calls and errands to run. He woke me up and I said I was getting up, but then I went back to sleep. An hour and a half later he woke me up again and this time he was mad. We argued; I cried. However, it was lucky that he woke me up because my friends changed our lunch to earlier and I barely made it to the Cheesecake Factory!

Oh well. At least I’ll stay 114 and hopefully I’ll be below weight restoration next time anyone from work sees me! :

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MAKING yourself depressed, LETTING your eating disorder come back


Mom said those words to me. She claims I’m self-sabotaging. There might be some merit to that statement because I can see myself going downhill as behaviors increase and I do nothing to stop it. sad olivia

If I cared more I would tell my parents or my treatment team about the increase in behaviors. Failing to heed warning signs is like letting my eating disorder come back, which could be self-sabotage. Technically, I make myself depressed. My depression is almost always a result of distorted thinking, as opposed to a random chemical imbalance. While thoughts can alter brain function (For example, brain imaging shows that Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on changing problematic thought patterns, can re-wire the brain), I can sort of control my thoughts or at least work harder to catch them, challenge them, and change them. Failing to try to change irrational thought patterns is similar to making myself depressed…except, it isn’t something I consciously do. Unlike with ED, I don’t consciously ignore thoughts, they just seem natural and pass under the radar.

On the other hand, sometimes it looks like I’m not trying because I’m falling, but in reality, I am trying. She just can’t see it. Plus, I don’t want to be depressed I want to learn what it is like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad

and I don’t want to have an eating disorder (most days I don’t want ED). Often she says things like, “Ok you have an altered HPA access, what can we do to fix the behavior?” I know this is adaptive, focusing on the cause, when I can’t change the cause is pointless. However, the way she says that type of comment always comes off as blaming me for mental illness. Now, if a schizophrenic purposefully goes off their meds and has a psychotic break, can we blame them for the break? Assuming they did not go off their meds because of a thought distortion, perhaps we could blame them for a psychotic break because they knew the risk of relapse. However, I don’t think anyone should blame them for having schizophrenia. There is a difference between blaming someone for not following their treatment plan while not acutely ill (acute illness negates blaming them for not following their treatment plan because they’re not in full control) to minimize their symptoms and blaming someone for having a mental illness in the first place. Logically, when I take a step back, I know she means the former, but it always sounds like the latter.

On the subject of EDs, I got the “You need to be careful about loosing more weight; you’ll never see yourself as thin enough” lecture. Also, whenever my parents go out during dinner, she insists on making me dinner before they leave. *sigh* I knew the lies could only last so long. She wants to believe my lies and so she just looks at me with suspicion, but at the certain point the symptoms are undeniable. Plus, I swear she has superpowers; she can always tell if I’ve purged within the last week. I rarely wear makeup, so my eyes often look tired and puffy, but somehow she can always tell the difference between circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and circles under my eyes from burst blood vessels. The tiny red dots are indicative of purging, but they’re not always present.