Visions of Torture Dancing in their Heads


The night before Christmas was never filled with visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head. No.

The earliest fantasy I remember was in kindergarten (5 years old). Every year my family watched The Ten Commandments. I recall the screams of Israeli slaves as whips bloodied their bare backs. For years I dreamed of being an Israelite slave and feeling the lashes against my skin.

The next genre I remember is The Borrowers. In first grade, I imagined I was a Borrower and my teacher was my Mistress. At school I appeared normal, but everyday after school I shrank to my true form and went home to serve my Mistress. Haha, I can’t remember how I served her in that form…

After that, Civil War history entered my lexicon. Around age 8 or 9 I fantasized about living on a plantation. I don’t remember much about this era of my fantasy life. I remember whale oil candles and plain white dresses with matching bonnets…and of course, whips.

The following year, puberty struck and with it came rape. So, for the last 13 years my fantasy life revolved around forcible, violent rape. In college I read an article about female rape fantasies, “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents.” Of 355 college age women, 62% had rape fantasies. Only 9% of that 62% had mainly aversive rape fantasies. In other words, most of the rape fantasies were really seduction fantasies where (although still rape, abhorrent, and illegal if IRL) the woman became willing as the rape progressed or the woman was originally consenting and the partner(s) went too far. Aversive rape fantasies involved torture above and beyond what was necessary to gain compliance and/or no consent at any point.

“the only perpetrator motive identified in aversive rape fantasies was to hurt or degrade the self-character. In over one half of aversive rape fantasies, the self-character was described as the loser. For the fantasizer, the large majority of aversive rape fantasies generated negative feelings such as guilt, shame, and embarrassment, which is similar to findings from Gold et al. (1991). Having negative feelings in response to the rape fantasy was more common for aversive than for erotic rape fantasies. These negative feelings may have resulted from the aversive experience of the fantasy itself and from reactions to having a fantasy that may seem socially inappropriate to some women”

Indeed, I feel guilty typing this post!!!! In fact, as I type the urge to cut is increasing because I feel the need to punish myself for “sick” thoughts. FML.

 

As I said earlier my first introduction to BDSM was as a 13 year old. I finally learned there were other people like me and we even had a name. At 19 I got my first real life taste of humiliation, submission, restraint, and pain.

There was no doubt. These experiences were more salient and evoked stronger feelings than any past intimacy. I remember the first night, looking into my first Master’s eyes and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. *smiles* As I wore restraints to bed, still feeling the sting of my first real whip’s bruises, I felt safe. I felt accepted for all of me, every detail of my imperfect body, and every unspeakable, dark, forbidden desire. I was whole for the first time in my life. I was real, I was being true to myself. I was not letting society dictate what was right for me.

I also remember the next night, getting ready for bed again, smiling at him and saying, “I wish I didn’t have to leave. I don’t want this to end.” He smiled and replied,

“It is amazing isn’t it? How you can feel so close to someone you just met.”

Right now, if I could have anything for Christmas, I would ask for the power to accept myself. Despite personal experience showing over and over, that this is something I crave, for whatever reason, I fear it. I shy away from this side of myself.

The past few days the images are getting more intrusive and darker. I guess I’ll start writing the fantasies out again, that usually helps. Ironically, while firmly in a D/s relationship, I don’t have these annoying misgivings.

I’m not the only Doll


Alas, as far as I know, the technology for imprints and mind-wipes does not exist yet. Ever since the first episode of Dollhouse, I loved the idea of becoming a doll. I’m too tired to think, but I’ll explain my reasoning later. The main point is most people don’t understand the attraction and think it is weird.

A few of the post on the tumbler blog Dollhouse Confessions surprised me.

On the flip side of the coin…

Why the Doll state appeals to me:

  1. Dollhouse_did I fall asleepI  could escape my life for 5 years
  2. In Doll state I would have a higher drive to take care of myself than I do on my own. (I.e. exercise to peak physical fitness, eat healthily, sleep a normal amount) As a result, my body would most likely be healthier than when I went in.
  3. I could be emotionally at peace for 5 years.
  4. I’d live in a beautiful, comfortable environment. I know I wouldn’t remember it, but I still like the idea!
  5. I would get to live ever life and do things I am not capable of doing. Granted, I wouldn’t remember it, but it would still be cool!
  6. I would have skills that are beyond me. Think about it! Instant muscle memory! How awesome would that be? You could become an Olympic athlete overnight.
  7. If any of those things were morally wrong, I wouldn’t remember them. Even if I did somehow remember, I bet I could reason my way out of guilt, by saying I had no choice.
  8. I would have great wealth at the end of 5 years. Hell yes I would give away 5 years of my life if I was 210% financially secure for the rest of my life.
  9. Heck, I would even become of Doll for no money if they would fix my silly brain! Topher thought he could fix Priya’s schizophrenia. He did fix Anthony’s PTSD. Take away all my mental illnesses and you can have my mind and body for 5 years! Although, I’d need assurance that my body would be taken care of.
  10. I might get to retain those skills either like Echo through a composite event, or like Anthony by becoming a Tech Head. I would even sign the dotted line if they just let me keep some skills that would otherwise take years to learn.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Related Quotes

Topher: “They volunteered for this.”

Boyd: “So we’re told.”

I would volunteer…

Topher: “Look at Echo. Not a care in the world. She’s living The Dream.”
Boyd: “Whose Dream?”
Topher: “Who’s next?”

Considering how the programming works, she is living “her” dream as far as she is concerned.

Ballard: So this is it. This is where you steal their souls.”
Topher: “Yeah, and then we put ’em in a glass jar with our fireflies. Why is there a tall, morally judgmental man in my imprint room besides him?” (indicates Boyd)
I do not think, if there is a soul, you can steal it. True, memories make up who we are, memories form our perceptions of the world, our beliefs, our thought processes, who or what we love, but I believe some part of us are inborn, little specks of personality that show up in babies.
_
Woman being interviewed (by a reporter breaking the Dollhouse case) : “The only reason someone would volunteer to be a slave is that they is one already.”
Well, *shrugs* I do think if I ever found someone I could trust enough for that type of relationship dynamic, I would enjoy an M/s relationship. In that sense, am I, at heart, already a slave? Perhaps.
_
Boyd: “What about those things we program them to do? Even if they did sign up, they didn’t know what they were signing up for.”
Topher: “Lay down your burdens, old man. They have what everybody wants. They live every life, have every skill, every experience. They fall in love. Hey, real love with unreserved passion.”
Boyd: “There’s nothing real about it. They’re programmed.”
Topher: “Does that tie keep you warm?”
Boyd: “What? No.”
Topher: “No, it’s just what grown-up men do in our culture. They put a piece of cloth around their necks so they can assert their status and recognize each other as non-threatening kindred.”
Boyd: “So what is this, the ’60s? Are we gonna burn our draft cards?”
Topher: “You wear the tie because it never occurred to you not to. You eat eggs every morning but never at night. You feel excitement and companionship when rich men you’ve never met put a ball through a net. You feel guilty, maybe a little suspicious, every time you see that Salvation Army Santa. You look down for at least half a second if a woman leans forward. And your stomach rumbles every time you drive by a big golden arch even if you weren’t hungry before. Dollhouse_everybody's programmed
Boyd: “Damn. You really spent some time on your self-justification.”
Topher: “Not the case. I don’t care. This is an awesome gig. This is cutting-edge science in a house full of hot chicks. Morality is programming, too.”
I see the inherent ethical problems here. For example, if you consent to something without knowing the full meaning of what you’re consenting to, your consent is invalid. However, I think I should be able to waive my rights. I think, if I don’t care, I should be able to say, “Yes, I acknowledge I will have no say in my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I acknowledge I will have no memory of any events and I know I may not be able to envision all possible scenarios for the next 5 years, but that is okay. As a capable human being, of my own free will, I accept this contract.” I know, I know, there is always the possibility of coercion. It is rife with opportunity to abuse people in other ways. Once you’re in a doll state, you have no guarantee they will ever wake you up again. For instance, they tried to force Priya to be a doll forever. Furthermore, the way consent works in the U.S., you have the ability to withdraw it at any time. In doll state, you lose free will and awareness. Once wiped, you can no longer consent. Anything done to you is technically without consent, it is as if you are unconscious. I understand all this. I promise! I understand the thorny issue of consent, I understand how easy manipulation and abuse would be, and I understand that once in Doll state, I would be helpless. However, for MYSELF, I don’t see why I cannot say I am okay with all these unknowns. You have my life for 5 years.
_
Topher: “We’re great humanitarians.”
Boyd: “Who’d spend their lives in jail if they ever found this place.”
Topher: “We’re all so misunderstood… Which great humanitarians often are.”
Oh Topher, I freaking love you! 🙂 He grows so much. Also, he is a genius and a geek! Smart + geeky = best men.
_
Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Would you be a Doll?
_