First Meet…


Guess who ditched? Guess who also forgot to set up a safe call? Just because I’ve been insanely lucky thus far with my blatant disregard for my own safety doesn’t mean it’ll last. *sigh* I didn’t plan on ditching, but I got scared…I keep myself emotionally safe with distance and detachment.

Tara_surprised

Maybe it is more my fault than I thought that my brother and I aren’t close.

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First Meet


later this week! I’m not nervous because I decided I’m not in the right place for a relationship, but the person is cool enough to be friends with.

Day 6: I’m grateful for friends who forgive my foibles and just pick up where we left off. I finally got in touch with a good friend, after being AWOL from everyone in my life for months.

awkward_regan

Sensory Deprivation


My RL experience with sensory deprivation is neutral. Although, the light hurt my eyes when I took the black-out mask off! I also experienced blindfolds and mummy bags, etc. However, in my fantasies, where reality is gleefully suspended, this is how I imagine sensory deprivation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c

[youtube.com=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEURyEgBj9c]

In case youtube takes it down:

via http://io9.com/5829343/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-sensory-deprivation-tanks

While creating this video I realized I have no issue imagining a stranger injecting me with illicit drugs like LSD! This does not bother me because I know it is the type of fantasy that I enjoy thinking about, but would never enact in real life. At the same time, the violence in similar fantasies scares me. Perhaps it shouldn’t. If I can separate the drugs from RL, why can’t I separate the violence? If drugs don’t bother me, why should dangerous levels of violence bother me?

I think the difference is I would never mix mind altering chemicals and BDSM, whereas I often mix violence and BDSM. Therefore, one is completely out of the realm of possibility and the other is too close for comfort. Maybe I fear crossing the line of safe and sane with violence, but not drugs. As a result, it is easy to separate fantasies involving drugs, but violent fantasies cause cognitive dissonance because they are close to real life.

Control Issues


Re-watching Legend of the Seeker is so much more fun than studying for law school exams. It is fun to see little nods to Terry Goodkind’s books and also see the differences in cannon.

It also kind of funny because as I watch each episode I remember it a little bit. I find myself thinking, ¬†“YES, Confess someone already! Let’s get on with it!” or “More Mord-Sith, yay! Start with the torture already!” Apparently I¬†do have control issues.

Treatment teams across the years keep insisting EDs are about controlling something when one can’t control other aspects of life. What if I’m just a control freak? If it is that simple, why do I want to give up control? Then again, perhaps I don’t have any desire to give up control. While it is true I enjoy restraint and subservience, I always felt safe because I knew if I said a safe word the¬†pain ¬†would stop. Although to an outsider, it may appear I am a prisoner, in reality, I am the one in control. Granted, utilizing such control, unless I’m in¬†physical danger, defeats the purpose of¬†the dynamic and is rude. The point isn’t that I should or do use control, but that I could if necessary. In that way, I am in control. Then again, if I’m with someone I have not vetted, a safe word is just an illusion. In restraints, someone could easily chose to ignore my safe word.

Or maybe I think too much about control and it is irrelevant. *head* -> *desk*

Clearly this is another facet that needs exploration. *sigh* So complicated.

Speaking of control, I have no self-control unless it involves starving or hurting myself. Apparently, that requires self-control. I don’t know if this no-studying problem is version of self-sabotage or what… Actually, I’m fairly confident it has to do with fear of failure and if I procrastinate enough I can blame my failure on “depression”. Yet at this point, I’m just shooting myself in the foot. UGH.

Is there worth in someone who has so little self-control? Why can I do “difficult” things for another or hurt myself, but I don’t have the self-control to help myself?! I can control myself for someone else, but not for myself. I’m completely other-driven. That seems to imply some deep-seated, internal flaw.