When you feel like no one cares


buffy_faith_no one wants to be alone we all want someone who cares

I feel hurt because my friend read my message and has ignored it for over a day. It was an unimportant message… I guess I’m hurt because I was trying to be normal, ya know? NOT go to her in an emotional crisis. So, I just asked how her trip was… This is beyond stupid and petty. I know. I’m still anxious about work tomorrow and I don’t deal well with rejection. Part of me doesn’t want to go to work.

I wish I could make this part of my brain shut up! I take any insignificant thing and latch onto it as proof that the voice in my head is right. “See?? She doesn’t like you! No one likes you! You’re useless. No one needs you at work. No one wants you. You’re pointless. They’ be better off without you, the kids would be too.”

All anyone says is that I”m being stupid, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help. ūüė¶

 

EDIT: YAY! My persistence paid off! She replied and we talked about normal stuff, also she noticed my drop off in negative emotional communication and appreciates it. I pointed it out and explained that I was consciously making an effort to be less emotionally draining because I wanted her to know I was trying. *does happy calorie burning dance* ūüėÄ

Perils of Room Cleaning


I just realized I missed a fun day with the kids at work. Everyone seemed so happy. I’m disappointed I missed a good chance at bonding with the students. I work with autistic and behaviorally challenged kids. So, sometimes our interactions aren’t positive from a relationship building standpoint. Therefore, it is important to be there for the special events and field trips.

I also feel like I’m not needed there, like I don’t make a difference.

What does this have to do with cleaning my room?

I found a bunch of old box cutters. Bad timing. I haven’t cut in months. I’ve only scratched lately. I found them again. Idk if I’ll bother trying to resist much longer. I’m trying to resist burdening my friends by continually reaching out for emotional support. This solution is easier. Perhaps, in time, journaling will help. But for the moment, it isn’t good enough.

Aversive Stimuli: To Quit Law School


This weekend my dad and I spoke about my “demons”. (his words, not mine) Just like my mom comparing eating disorder behavior to self-control, my dad asked how I could stand to cut my arms and yet I couldn’t read a few pages in a boring book. My mom referring to restricting or purging as self-control bugs me because they aren’t displays of self-control. If anything, they’re a lack of control. She, of all people, should know that! At first, his similar question bugged me because I thought he was downplaying self-injury.

He explained himself saying the first time I cut myself it had to hurt. However, I kept doing it and the more I cut, the deeper the cuts became. I got “better” at it. I learned to withstand an increasing amount of pain, despite its aversive nature. Thinking about it, he has a point.

Why is scarring my arm easier than reading a stupid book? What is so aversive? Well, it is boring. That hardly seems like a good enough reason. I think the problem is I’m imagining a lifetime of exceedingly boring work. It isn’t just a chapter because it represents years, which scares me. Overcoming a semester or 2 of boredom would be simple, but a lifetime is different.

Why is class so aversive? Right now, I’m sitting 30 feet away from the classroom I should be in. Why is sitting through an hour and 15 minute class so awful that I can’t bother to walk 30 feet to endure it?

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

Well, my self-concept as an intelligent person is shaky. It is one of the few things I like about myself, but for most of my life I didn’t believe it. So, the belief is easily upset. Classes confuse me because I skip most of them and don’t read. Therefore, class is aversive because it makes me feel stupid. However, logically I know if I skip, I only become more lost. So, what is really keeping me from going to class? I am more terrified of others seeing me as an imposter than discovering I’m not good enough on my own. If I don’t read, I will look stupid if I am cold called. I’ll look especially stupid; reading doesn’t guarantee a good answer.

I think my problem is I cannot face people thinking I am not good enough. Here, that means my IQ. I’d rather hide and leave the possibility that I’m intelligent. It is a vicious cycle because the more I avoid class, the more lost I feel, and the more lost I feel, the more painful class becomes. At the beginning of each day, I tell myself I’ll do the right things. I’ll read for class¬† and go to all my class regardless. Yet, every day I procrastinate thinking I’ll begin reading in an hour, after the next article, or after I read all my open tabs. As soon as that happens, I invent some other excuse. Since I don’t read, I feel increasingly anxious about class and true to form, I skip it. Then I feel guilty. When I get home I know I should study, but I feel awful and the mounting absences and unread pages, makes it feel overwhelming. Therefore, I avoid beginning the task and it all starts over…

Supernatural_every wrong move_Dean

How can I fix the problem? Get more real will power? I need to change how I think and/or feel. The thoughts cause the feelings. I could manually alter the feelings with my usual coping “skills”. In fact, at the moment, I very much want to cut. Yet, even though the coping mechanisms help wash the pain away, I usually still don’t want to study because all of them tire me. So, the best road is to change my thoughts, but that is a long journey. It is difficult to catch, challenge, and change all incorrect thoughts. Plus, it takes time to actually begin to believe the changed thoughts.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? Accountability doesn’t work, at least not with my parents, because I lie to them so they aren’t disappointed. I have the next 3 days to do better. If I can’t at least read and go to every class for the next 3 days, I’m quitting. A leave of absence is pointless because law school is the environmental factor creating my depression! Other than the inevitable ego loss from failure, I think my depression will abate if I leave. The only way a leave of absence would help is if I fixed all my maladaptive thought patterns and then tried again. I don’t think I can. I think I’m stuck like this.

Supernatural_dean crying better

I don’t know what else to do that could help me do the right things in the next 3 days/ the rest of the semester.

On stepping away from incrimination and accepting sexuality


“Love as thou wilt.” While reading Kushiel’s Chosen, it occurred to me that love cannot be evil. Sure, love can lead us to do immoral things, but the raw emotion can’t be wrong. How could it?

Perhaps it sounds cliché, but my religion is love. I badly want to believe in the God I grew up with, but I struggle. I do not think our mortal minds are capable of conceiving such grandiose things, if they are true. Therefore, how could a benevolent God punish mere humans for getting it wrong? I do not think he would. That would be like an adult punishing a 3 year old for failing to grasp theoretical physics! So, I believe if there is a God or some, any, force that is immortal and controls our access to the afterlife, he/she/they/it could not reasonably damn us for not grasping the truth of planes beyond our existence. If he is smarter than us, he is most likely wiser and more compassionate because if he is more intelligent, he would have to understand our lack of knowledge and intelligence. As a result, unless he is so far beyond us that we are tiny ants, unworthy of his concern, he would not damn us.

I believe we cannot know the truth of what lies beyond our awareness. We can cast our lot with one religion or another, but we cannot be certain until after death. So, our morals cannot come from religious precepts. Then were do they come from? I am not entirely sure, that would take another post. I do know having a positive impact on others is a good thing.

Yet, things are not so simple. One kind act could have awful implications that we could not possibly be aware of. For example, say a woman is starving and out of kindness I give her dinner. As a result, she is able to survive to get her next meal and eventually she finds her feet and prospers. Ten years later she gives birth to a daughter and twenty years after that the daughter gives birth to Adolf Hitler. Hitler, as your know, goes on to orchestrate the murder of millions of people. My one act of kindness saved a woman’s life, but in the end, brought untold suffering. We cannot know the full ripples of our actions. Therefore, how can we be judged solely on what measurable good we do in life? I do not think we can be judged that way. We could judge based on the immediate consequence of any one action, but even that could turn out poorly.

So, if not our deeds, what is left to judge our worth? I think the only thing left is our intent. If our intent is good, born of kindness, compassion, and love, I think we are good people. We may make wrong choices or we may make seemingly correct choices, which lead to catastrophe, but I think our intent is how we can judge a person’s character.

Assuming that supposition is right, how can love, gay, bi, straight, paraphilias, masochistic,¬†or sadistic¬†be wrong? I do not think it can be wrong! There are exceptions, when your “love” harms another person, it is not love; it is lust. For example, I believe pedophilia is wrong because a child cannot consent to sex and sexual abuse does immense harm to children. If pedophiles really loved children, they would not touch them.

However, as long as actions are between consenting adults and do not impinge on a third party’s rights, I conclude love cannot be immoral. Furthermore, if I am wrong, I cannot see how a just deity would damn me for my lack of perfect comprehension when I did not have all the facts. Faith maybe the best course of action, but we are weak; we are not omniscient. How can we be judged by standards that are beyond us?

In sum, thanks to Jacqueline Carey and Ph√®dre n√≥ Delaunay de Montr√®ve, I am another step closer to accepting this part of myself. Thanks to Deej, I accept my bisexuality. In years past, I hated my learning disability and mental illnesses. Truthfully, sometimes I still despise the mental illnesses¬†because they make school, relationships, and life in general, much more difficult. However, I now accept my learning disability is not stupidity or a character flaw. It is a result of extreme prematurity (23 weeks gestation) and an intraventricular hemorrhage I suffered¬†in the first 6 months of life. It is not my fault. Yes, it makes academia tougher and presents unique challenges, but I am stubborn and intelligent; I am capable of persevering. Hell, I already defied doctors’ expectations many times over. One doctor (my mom said she used to wish I’d go to medical school and become his boss in the NICU) told her: You don’t need to worry about her getting into college, or even graduating high school. She’ll be deaf, blind, and retarded. You need to worry about whether she can hold down a job, which is unlikely.

You know what? My parents are f**king right when they call me a miracle. At the time of my birth, no baby born as early as I ever survived the NICU at the hospital I was transferred to after birth. Child magazine ranked the hospital¬†in¬†the¬†“top 10 best hospitals in the nation”¬†4 times in a¬†row. It is considered 3rd in the nation for neonatal care according to U.S. News and World Report. Furthermore, the hospital received the nation‚Äôs highest honor for nursing excellence, the Magnet designation from the American Nurses Credentialing Center (ANCC). To date, only 170 of almost 5,000 hospitals nationwide ‚Äď 3 percent ‚Äď have Magnet status. In January 2010,¬†it was redesignated as a Magnet hospital by the ANCC Magnet Recognition Program. Only 2 percent of hospitals nationally have achieved Magnet re-designation.¬†In other words, it is a fricking good hospital and it was good in 1990 to. So, their inability to save a baby born at 23 weeks gestation says something about the state the neonatology at the time.¬†I’m not perfect; there are immutable challenges I must live with, but I am freaking awesome when you consider everything.

some parts of me are awesome

As for the mental illnesses, I believe they are due, in part, to my first 6 months of life. Numerous longitudinal studies show NICU graduates have higher rates of mental illness, including mood disorders like anxiety and depression. I do not know if recovery is possible for me. I know Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can literally rewire the brain, maybe I can recover. However, whether or not I can gain remission from my mental disorders, I must believe I can manage them better. I can surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, I can utilize my support systems, and I can use coping skills to the best of my ability. Managing emotions does not come readily to me. I did not learn to healthily self-sooth and perhaps my emotions will always be more intense than most people’s, but I can learn to use the coping skills therapy taught me.

I used to think I did not have a “right” to be sick. I used to believe my life was perfect, I had a good school, nice friends, a loving family, and I wanted for naught; so, I thought I had no reason to struggle. Now I realize those things, while I am blessed to have them, do not negate my internal world. For whatever reason, I have these problems; they are my burden to bear. I wish it was not so, but I am what I am. I can be no more and no less. I have a right to my feelings, even my irrational ones, but I can learn to harness them. Moreover, I have a right to love who I want and how I want, so long as I am not taking away someone else’s rights.

*edit* While I acknowledge my prematurity had am impact on my development (if nothing else, I endured surgeries until I was 16 to correct certain problems), I do not agree with psychodynamic theory. They believe the unconscious governs most, if not all, mental illness, expressing some unknown need from our forgotten childhood. In contrast, I admit neonatal trauma can physically alter brain development, for example, my stroke.

It is possible that my former therapist is correct and I am substituting masochism for self-injury or my eating disorder, maybe it is unhealthy. At the same time, it gives me peace, security, and happiness. Again, as long as I am not harming others (For example, if shooting random people made me happy, I still could not morally do it.), and it is not detrimental to me wellbeing, I ought to be able to conduct myself as I want. I do not think peace, security, and happiness can be wrong. Granted, my eating disorder gives me those things, after a fashion, but it also harms my long-term health, which when all is said and done, takes away happiness. Masochism, done safely and sanely, does none of those things.

In conclusion, there are still ways I can better myself. Everyone is capable of self-improvement. Bisexuality and masochism do not make me a lesser human being or weak. They are part of who I am. In truth, so are my mental illnesses because they’ve given me more compassion and understanding of others. They’ve shaped me. The harm of mental illnesses can go, but they are not a character flaw or weakness on my part and in a way, I am grateful for them. Bisexuality and masochism are not diseases; they are not immoral. I…I am okay; I am not bad because of them. Alt and Olive_happy to see you Fauxlivia_happy to see you

B smile2 Felicia Day_satisfied smile

My Worth or Lack Thereof


I’m feeling worthless today. I’m not really sure why. The only salient “reasons” I can think of¬†are I¬†overslept by 3 hours, last night I went into the study and apparently my parents still have those damn print outs of IMs from when I was 13-14, I’m considering prostitution again, I don’t feel like going to therapy even though I’ve skipped for weeks and deserve¬†firing as a patient and I’m contemplating skipping again. Also, my fantasies literally made me sick to my stomach last night.

1. I feel guilty about oversleeping because it meant I did not respond to a message about a meeting today until 2 minutes before one of the suggested times.

2. I don’t think this was the cause because I’ve stumbled across those papers before. I didn’t even think about it until after I felt worthless and began thinking of all the possible reasons I’m a bad person. Also, I was 13 years old! That was 10 years ago! Teenagers are idiots. Their brains aren’t fully developed. Most importantly I would not impeach a friend if I learned of similar or more drastic behavior in his/her childhood. That last one has no bearing on my thought processes and self-worth because I often beat myself up over things I would tell someone else not to worry about. I’m simply attempting to justify some self-compassion here…

3. Oh dear… This really deserves its own post, but there are a myriad of distorted thoughts around prostitution. I have a friend who was a teenage prostitute because one parent died and the other was negligent as a result of¬†their own mental illness. She was involved with DFS, but the system let her fall through the cracks. Some men are awful and don’t care whether the person they’re paying is a child and unable to consent. Abusing people who can’t stand up for themselves is the worst crime in my opinion; thinking about it makes my blood boil.

I blame 13-year-old me despite the age of consent because 13-year-old me was an idiot and had no reason for her actions, whereas my friend was trying to feed herself, stay in high school, and find a place to sleep at night.

I brought up my friend because I know it is not a pretty picture. Also, ironically, I’ve encouraged her many times not to go back to that life by outlining the dangers and drawbacks, along with reminding her of all she has accomplished/ her worth as a human being. In other words, stay in school! You have a full academic-based scholarship because you’re smart and you have a chance to graduate with¬†a degree and do some good in the world. Also, you deserve someone who will cherish you and love you as a whole person, not an object, etc… but I can’t convincingly tell myself that.

Lastly, I know it is ironic that I’m talking about prostitution when earlier I spoke about my hang-ups about virginity. I’m a very all-or-nothing person. Yay, thought distortions! As unreasonable as it sounds, maybe I fear loosing my technical virginity because I fear the flood gates would open and I’d lose all boundaries. I might fear the same thing about my masochism. So far, despite my lack of vetting, I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to only deal with people who cared more about¬†my wellbeing¬†than I did. Therefore, nothing dangerous occurred. I don’t know that I could guarantee safe/sane actions if I was with someone who didn’t care about hospital visits…or dead bodies.

On one hand, few people’s sadism can match my brand of masochism. On the other hand, the people who do, tend to be dangerous. One person, I never met him, turned out to be connected with the disappearance of¬†2 girls and 2 women.

You see, other people get involved in police investigations because life circumstances lead them to certain behaviors. That doesn’t excuse all actions, but I am¬†different. I come from an upper middle class family who love me and don’t abuse me. I have no excuse or reason to do the stupid things I do. I bring all the trouble in my life on myself. That is one reason why I despise myself. However, as sometimes happens with journaling, writing out my thoughts caused more reflection. I was not thinking in all this detail before sitting down to write this post. My only conscious thought was, “prostitution could work.”

Of course, living in a country where sexual contact for money is illegal almost everywhere, complicates things now that I am over 18, but that is another story.

4. Meh, I’ve done this so many times… I feel guilty, but it isn’t something that would make me feel worthless. It is wrong and unfair to my doctor¬†and unhealthy, but I do it a lot. I doubt it contributed to¬†feeling worthless.

5. This one was kind of new. It only happened for the first time a few nights ago. I often scare or disgust myself with my own depravity. Thank God I am a submissive/masochist, otherwise I’d have so much more cognitive dissonance! I’d probably be even more convinced I am evil and I’d probably have many more attempted suicides under my belt…If I was still here.

Anyway, two nights ago was the first time I remember feeling sick to my stomach after fantasizing. At the time I attributed it to the disturbing level of violence, but it just occurred to me that the series of scenes were the first in years that were only female. Usually, my fantasies involve only males or a combination of males and female. This night, it was only women. Maybe that is why I felt sick? To reiterate, I have no issues with other people’s sexual behavior provided it is between consenting adults. I hold myself to different, illogical, standards. Lately the violence has been bad, as in horror movie bad, as opposed to just it-would-be-smart-to-go-to-the-hospital bad. I don’t know why. This¬†sort of goes¬†along with my fear of crossing the SSC boundaries. The more I explore masochism in the real world, the more pain I realize I can handle, and the more dark my fantasies become. While I can draw a distinction between the type of fantasy that remains fantasy (I.e., drugs and BDSM) and the type of fantasy that I might act out, part of me fears as I explore more offline, I’ll adjust the lines in the sand. Apparently the only people who match my level of violence, or at least, who are willing to admit to¬†even fantasizing about it¬†are serial killers. ¬†https://i2.wp.com/img.pandawhale.com/95182-felicia-day-cringe-reaction-gi-tbxp.gif

Note: My fantasies never involve death.

Well, I think I know what spurred the feelings of worthlessness. After writing the paragraphs on BDSM fantasies and prostitution I felt like cutting because I feel guilty. Although the other things make me feel guilty, the level of recrimination associated with the extremity of my BDSM thoughts and prostitution seems to rise to a higher level. Either I feel the need to be punished for thinking/doing bad things or I want to get rid of the feeling of guilt. Punishment would absolve me and therefore I’d feel less guilty, but the two options are dissimilar. On one hand, I’d be redeemed and “good”, whereas on the other hand, nothing would change, but cutting pushes the feelings away.

Why Tara Maclay is My Role Model *updated Jan. 11, 2014*


“It is¬† hard to find positive role models today. Especially ones that you can relate too.” Erik R. Voshel

Tara doesn’t fit the same overt BAMF mold most of my favorite characters fit, but I love her! I just want to give her lots of hugs and love! She is another character that reminds me of myself, but unlike Olivia Dunham, I loved Tara from the beginning!

Tara was afraid of herself. She never really fit in. She thought she was a demon, to save other people she stayed in the background, but she persevered.

Tara_Afraid

She feels useless. I mention this because I feel the same way. While feeling useless is not good, someone who feels bad about themselves, but makes progress, is a worthy role model.

Tara_surprised

…but she totally isn’t! Tara¬†is wiccan.

Tara_magic

Tara has style! Considering this is her first BtVS scene, her style is the first thing I noticed!

She is shy, but cute about it. Also, she overcomes her stutter. Shyness isn’t good or bad, but sometimes it is debilitating. I’m shy to, shy enough that it interferes with adaptive expression of needs/wants. Unlike below, I’m not freaking adorable about it!

Tara is kind. She embodies non-judgmental, unconditional love. She teaches the Scooby Gang how to be wise and self-compassionate.

tumblr_m02lhq0TcU1r8gsqgo3_250Tara_role model Tara_it is ok to be worried

While Tara is kind and respectful, woe unto anyone who threatens the people she loves!

tara_go through me

Her loyalty is undying. (I’m sensing a submissive vibe. ūüėČ Look who is on top in the second to last picture!)

She is self-sacrificing. Tara lets Glory crush her hand and destroy her mind to save Dawn.

tumblr_m44wf59EB41qgmt5yo2_250toughlove

Tara sticks to her morals, even when it hurts.

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She beat the messages of her childhood and became an amazing woman.

…¬†It makes me proud. It makes me love you more.”

Plus, Tara is the first positive lesbian character I remember. She and Willow¬†helped make¬†it okay to love who I wanted…And make an amazing lesbian couple you did, Amber Benson…

tumblr_mvnxjgCEmi1r0pbyyo6_250willowtarahug-1

I wish I was her. I’m still afraid of myself. I still hear “monster” reverberating in my mind. I don’t know if I can overcome the messages my family instilled about sexuality,¬†intimacy,¬†and self-worth.

The only difference is that I wasn’t lied to my whole life. She thinks she has a legitimate reason to fear herself, but she doesn’t. I do… Nonetheless, showing her¬†deal with¬†the messages of her childhood is powerful!

I don’t have her strength yet. I wonder if she is like me, nice because she feels she has nothing more to offer. The most common thing people say about me is that I’m “nice”, “kind”, “sweet”, “flexible”, “not argumentative”, “easy-going”. I pride myself on these attributes, but sometimes I think I’m just nice and laid back because I’m afraid no one will like me, if they see me. Tara and Nicciare the two fictional characters I identify with the most. I wish I knew more about their character development from Joss and Goodkind. Plus, I wish magic, the type of magic that¬†makes an immediate clear¬†impact on the physical world, existed.

*edit* How could I forget?! Amber Benson is (was?) body positive! I know there were silly haters about her body, but I think she was and is gorgeous at any size. I think her body appeared average on BtVS. By average, I do not mean average beauty; I mean average size when compared to the sickly thin, eating disordered Hollywood ideal.

Sometimes I like myself


Olivia_laughing about ella

Happy 2014! I looked back through my posts to make sure there was nothing too objectionable and as I read the Evil Lawyers post, I smiled and thought, “Yes! All these GIFs are perfect! Your geekiness is awesome!”