Clearly, it isn’t Monday


dean supernatural laughs then gets serious

Oops. As usual…failure on my part.

I’m actually feeling up to writing a little bit, yay! There are some long stories involved, but for now, I’m just going to run down the litany of changes in my life over the past 2-ish months.

1. Took a medical leave from law school because passing was impossible with how far behind I was and I really don’t know what I want to do…

2. Looking for a full-time psychology job to try to determine if that is what I want to pursue. Since I only have a Bachelor’s degree, my job options are limited to Mental Health Technician (glorified baby-sitter) or entry level research tech. I’ve applied for about 10 of those positions around town. I’ve had 2 interviews, but no job offers.

3. I broke up with the Doc. Honestly, of all the people I’ve dated or even had a crush on, I liked him the best. I clicked with him on a different level. I’m not sure how to describe it. I broke it off because he couldn’t accept my limits. For example, he didn’t want to use safe words.

4. I’ve had lots of suicidal ideation and I’m still struggling with basic things on most days, but despite threats, no hospital yet.

5. My family is disappointed and angry because I’m ruining my life, I want to fail, I can do so much better, I’m just a personality-disordered mess, etc.

6. I’m still giving dating a shot. Since breaking it off with the Doc, I’ve had 2 dates. I skipped one (with a plausible lie because I was freaking out too much). They were with different men. The one I didn’t skip was fine. (Given #4, I find even 1 date is miraculous)

7. I’m making a concerted effort to rekindle friendships and familial relationships that I’ve damaged through isolating

8. I told my mom about IT and… her reaction was surprising and I wish I hadn’t told her. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t blame me, but she won’t let it go.

 

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Awful Morning


I’m not really sure what is wrong, but my self-talk is atrocious. “I hate you” “You suck” “You’re evil” “You’re pathetic” “You deserve to die” “You should quit law school because you’re hopeless.” “You’re worthless” “You’re stupid” “You’re lazy” “No one will ever love you.” “No one likes you”

Supernatural_Dean_i am crap

That is my usual self-talk, but it is more frequent or louder. I have that heavy anxiety feeling in my chest and I feel sad. I have plenty of academic stuff due before spring break, but it isn’t impossible. I have an email summary due Friday (it’s like a mini draft), an oral argument tomorrow, and an assignment I never turned in.

I was cold called yesterday and I didn’t know the answer. I was cold called in the same course last class. I had a bad afternoon yesterday because of that, but I thought I got over it.

I started having minor suicidal thoughts this morning and they’re getting worse. The only thing stopping me (as usual) is the tremendous hurt I know it would cause. I feel like I’m about to cry.

I know part of the problem is I keep focusing on all my shortcomings and failures, instead of focusing on how to fix the problem.

Also, I’m seriously considering having sex and I think that makes me feel guilty. Ah, so much fear and shame.

It probably didn’t help that my mom keeps praising me for things I’m lying about (working diligently, eating well, etc.). I don’t take praise and compliments well in general. So, compliments about things I’m doing right, which I’m really failing at, but lying to appease her makes me feel guilty.

*Correction: Now I am crying

Why We Choose Suicide


The 3rd leading cause of death for people ages 15 – 24 is suicide. No one commits suicide because it is not a crime; it is a symptom of mental illness. 90% of people who died by suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death.

Supernatural_Cass_deserve to die

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