BDSM Promotes Emotional Bonding or Violence is Love?


In a past relationship, I let someone control when, how, and what I ate. The memory makes me laugh because a few months ago I was on an eating disorder board and someone asked whether anyone’s Dominant controlled their food and how that worked. She talked about it in a long-term manner. I said I’d never done that and it sounded like it could bring up issues because of her eating disorder. My food control experience was just a weekend and  apparently the food control did not bother me at all since I just remembered it.

Looking back, I’m extremely surprised I agreed to that. It was freshman year of college; I was not free of eating disorder behavior. I think I agreed to it because I trusted him, but also because he made me feel gorgeous and wanted. My eating disorder is not all about vanity, but it is about emotional connections and overwhelming negative emotions. I let his positive view of me, override my self-image. I saw myself through his eyes. Seeing a whole person, a good person, a pretty girl and not a broken, evil, ugly person made emotional connections seem possible and emotions less scary. For the first time, I saw why someone could want me. I had significant others before that, but they never made me feel that way.

I’m not sure what the difference is.

fight hugs

Oh God, does this mean I can’t feel like someone thinks I’m beautiful unless they hit me? In other words, they can say whatever they want, but unless there is pain, I think they’re just saying nice things…like someone hurting me shows that they want me enough to hurt me…or I don’t even know what I’m saying!

https://i0.wp.com/gifsforum.com/images/gif/confused/grand/confused-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2715.gif

Now that I think about it, the only relationships where I actually felt emotionally safe, like I knew what was what, and as though my partner really wanted my body, not just a body, involved sadomasochistic intimacy.

alarms

So, I equate violence with love? Great. Maybe I can work with that association in a healthy way? Maybe it isn’t awful? Argh, maybe my mom is right and masochism is sick for me.

disssected

Note: Not into the vivisection. 😛

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Odd Epiphany of the Day


Perhaps I like the idea of 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) because complete obedience reminds me of a pet and people tend to love their pets unconditionally. (Though, I don’t like puppy or pony play it is too weird for me. Ha, don’t worry, I know I have no room to talk about weird practices!)

Anyway, while watching Denna with almost-broken Richard, a strange thought occurred to me. She is kind, affectionate, caring, and sympathetic once he obeys. Of course, she calls him pet, but her actions also remind me of how people treat their pets. No one hates their pets. People love their pets because they never judge or talk back.

Does that mean I think in order for someone to love me I have to always obey them?

…Actually, that may very well be the origin of my extreme people-pleasing which extends beyond kink and into my everyday life. Or maybe I’m over-thinking everything and I should just enjoy what I enjoy and let it be…

Geez, the more I explore my thought processes behind my kinks, the more disturbing thoughts I uncover.

What do you think about this possible reason behind TPE? Do you think others are similarly motivated? Do you think this idea couldn’t possibly be anyone’s motivation for TPE?