I’m awash in guilt right now because I replied to a few messages on an alternative dating website. My God, this is pathetic! Why am I so convinced masochism is wrong that sending a few replies makes me feel like spilling my own blood in punishment?
There are many possibilities: 1. I’m broken and it is unfair to foist myself on another person
2. All I do it hurt people; it is unfair to foist myself on another person 
3. I’m worthless. Even if, by some miracle, someone fell in love with me, I wouldn’t deserve happiness.
4. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty.
5. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. 
6. Opening myself emotionally is dangerous and scary.
7. I’m incapable of trust. 8. Premarital sex is wrong and I’m bad for considering it.
9. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her) 10. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.
or 11. some reason I’m not thinking of…
I think it must be the masochism, not just dating in general because vanilla dating never made me feel guilty, whereas this has always been a shameful secret for me. That only leaves 3 of the above choices: 1. Masochism is simply another outlet for self-hate and therefore it is unhealthy. As a result, even considering engaging in it makes me feel guilty. 2. For me, masochism is “sick” and I’m a disgusting, freak for doing it. or 3. Engaging in sadomasochistic behavior with sadists encourages abuse (I don’t think this, but a therapist told me this once, maybe deep down I believe her). 4. Once I engage in masochism again, my needs will evolve and it’ll become unsafe.
1. Maybe it is an outlet for self-hate, but it does make me feel better. Is that so wrong? Then again, I could say my eating disorder makes me feel better and most people agree it is wrong.
2. Why would it be sick for me and not someone else? Because sometimes I think the depth of my masochism makes it pathological. I’m not sure if this has merit or not.
3. Ehh, I’m almost positive I don’t believe this.
4. I suppose this is possible, but…
I wish I had Elsa’s attitude here
Masochist Musing 