Now on Break

Today was a much better day. We had Water Day. I didn’t plan on getting wet and trusted my “don’t – touch – me” vibe to keep  me safe. It worked too. I walked among the kids and staff tossing water on each other and using water squirts *cough* water guns *cough* and stayed dry. However, I started overheating and asked a student to spray me. He did, but then another student picked up a sprinkler and pointed it towards me! After that, all bets were off! I was completely soaked. It was a lot of fun and I’m so happy I got to be there today.

I ate a giant piece of pizza for the first time in months. On Thursdays during the summer and Fridays during the rest of the school year, staff and students can order a giant slice of pizza. It was pretty good, but not as good as I remembered. I started feeling anxious about it soon after I ordered it.

“You are ONE pound away from your weight restored weight. WHY are you sabotaging your weight loss?! You don’t deserve food. You don’t even need food, [student] won’t elope or need transporting to the Quiet Room. You have no excuse for eating. Everyone will judge you. You disgust me!” And on and on…

Then I noticed I was eating during the kids’ lunch. Usually, I work during their lunch and eat during their recess. That made me more anxious because I planned to eat pizza with a friend and that adds positive social pressure. She usually eats second lunch. Initially, I thought I’d ditch the pizza, but I made the healthy choice and got my piece of pizza. Then when I walked into the room where we usually eat, she was there! That was a nice surprise and made eating it easier.

OH, speaking of eating… My boss brought in pastries this morning. Usually I avoid them because of restricting. Today I felt like eating them. When I walked in she said, “Oh, [I] can’t resist the sweet stuff!” I almost put my plate down and left! I’ll SHOW you self-control, bitch! I did not. However, in the afternoon, after everyone cleaned up and changed out of their soaking wet clothes, we  had ice cream. I put toppings on for a student and my boss joined us and commented, to everyone, that I love sweets! Note: I did NOT have ice cream.

She knows about ED. I think she is jealous because she is trying to lose weight and isn’t losing much. On the other hand, I lost 20 lbs in a month and a half. Therefore, I believe she is taking pleasure in seeing me eat “bad” food.

Now we have 2 weeks off.

 

Jealousy

A co-worker, in another program, posted some PECs (pictures non-verbal kids point to in order to communicate) she made online and the speech therapist, occupational therapist, and my boss all *liked* her picture and commented. Granted we don’t report to the therapists and my boss isn’t her boss… but I’m still jealous and angry and paranoid because she is coming over to our program soon.

…AND I sound like a petty bitch again. The funny thing is I like the girl. I’m just so damn insecure that any “threat” to what little I do feel I contribute to the team is a huge deal to  me. I remember when the assistant behaviorist was hired I was jealous before I even knew her because I felt listened to and I felt that my opinions were valued because my boss and others asked for my opinions on potential behavioral interventions. I feared my opinions and ideas wouldn’t matter anymore because someone more qualified was joining us. It turned out OKAY. I like her and I feel like people, including her, still care about my ideas and thoughts…I used to feel more needed and wanted for other reasons too.

Damn that voice in my head. I can’t turn it off. “No one likes you. No one cares about the tokens or coping skill crap you make. She is better at crafty things and she is in school. You can’t hack school. She is better than you. You don’t belong there. You’re useless.”

Idk how to explain the feelings I get when I’m jealous (which is honestly fear). It is like…

I can see the future and I can see I’ll be unwanted.

I am a FAILURE

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! I didn’t make it to work. 😥 I’m furious at myself and sad and disappointed. I haven’t slept in almost 24 hours. I don’t know why I’ve been up this long. I just couldn’t sleep. I hate myself. I hate myself, so fucking much! I feel like I’m letting everyone down (even though I simultaneously feel like they don’t need me, lol). However, even if I am not important, they were counting on me as a staff person today. FUCK ME.

 

EDIT:

It is officially over 24 hours. I’ve never had this problem before. The only times I’ve stayed up this long was pulling all-nighters in college. I have some sleeping issues; occasionally, I struggle falling asleep. Usually my sleeping problems are more like this:

AND SO it has come to a pathetic point indeed… I am about to log off and play Brahms’ Lullaby, hoping it will lull me to sleep.

 

When you feel like no one cares

I feel hurt because my friend read my message and has ignored it for over a day. It was an unimportant message… I guess I’m hurt because I was trying to be normal, ya know? NOT go to her in an emotional crisis. So, I just asked how her trip was… This is beyond stupid and petty. I know. I’m still anxious about work tomorrow and I don’t deal well with rejection. Part of me doesn’t want to go to work.

I wish I could make this part of my brain shut up! I take any insignificant thing and latch onto it as proof that the voice in my head is right. “See?? She doesn’t like you! No one likes you! You’re useless. No one needs you at work. No one wants you. You’re pointless. They’ be better off without you, the kids would be too.”

All anyone says is that I”m being stupid, which I know is true, but that doesn’t help. 😦

 

EDIT: YAY! My persistence paid off! She replied and we talked about normal stuff, also she noticed my drop off in negative emotional communication and appreciates it. I pointed it out and explained that I was consciously making an effort to be less emotionally draining because I wanted her to know I was trying. *does happy calorie burning dance* 😀

Perils of Room Cleaning

I just realized I missed a fun day with the kids at work. Everyone seemed so happy. I’m disappointed I missed a good chance at bonding with the students. I work with autistic and behaviorally challenged kids. So, sometimes our interactions aren’t positive from a relationship building standpoint. Therefore, it is important to be there for the special events and field trips.

I also feel like I’m not needed there, like I don’t make a difference.

What does this have to do with cleaning my room?

I found a bunch of old box cutters. Bad timing. I haven’t cut in months. I’ve only scratched lately. I found them again. Idk if I’ll bother trying to resist much longer. I’m trying to resist burdening my friends by continually reaching out for emotional support. This solution is easier. Perhaps, in time, journaling will help. But for the moment, it isn’t good enough.

Going Back to Work Post-Surgery

Monday (it is currently 2:45 am on Sunday) I’m going back to work after a little over a week off for surgery. I am worried because I’ve gained a few pounds and I’m self-conscious about that. Because of my eating disorder relapse, I recently lost of bunch of weight and people are commenting. I feel like a failure for gaining weight and I’m afraid people will judge me or at least, secretly be happy that I’m not strong enough to maintain or continue losing.

Logically, I know I am projecting my own thoughts and fears on my co-workers. I also know i can easily lose again. Most importantly, I know I needed to take care of myself by eating enough in order to heal.

Moreover, I’m worried I won’t be as good at my job for the next week or so because I’m not 100% better. That wouldn’t worry me too much except that I’ve felt inept at work lately. I’ll explain that later. For now, I’m going to try to sleep again.